"Love is as delicate as glass; once broken it can be fixed, but there will always be cracks." - Waqas Ahmad
I watched as Alvin paused, looking at me with a concerned expression written across his face. I sighed quietly to myself. I know he still cares, and I can never deny that I don't either, because I do. But that was what I was scared of. Just thinking about his reaction when I tell him the news, breaks my heart. The last thing I want is for him to get hurt.
But do I have a choice? No, of course not. Because I know that even if I tell him or not, we'll both get hurt one way or another.
"Talk?" He asked me gently.
I didn't say or do anything at first. Even though this is the first time in 3 months where Alvin and I have spoken to each other, I still feel somewhat safe on the inside. Being near him again was just such a relieving feeling. And despite the fact that we may or may not be still together, I can truly say that there is something inside of me that still believes that we never broke up.
After I didn't respond, Alvin sighed. He walked even closed to me, making my heart jump in a way it shouldn't have and looked at me. And once again, I found myself staring into the eyes of the boy I was undeniably in love with. Alvin kept on staring at me for at least 2 more seconds before finally asking me, "Brittany, what's wrong?"
"Nothing." I said.
But I could see it in his eyes that he didn't believe me. He sighed. "What's wrong?" He asked again, more gentler this time.
I was on the verge of tears. It was so hard being this close to him again after 3 whole months. And though it did bring me a bit of happiness on the inside, knowing that Alvin and I are speaking again, it was just so difficult to be around the person you trusted, and loved...the person who broke your heart.
"I just wanna talk to you." I said, without even thinking about it.
Alvin bit his bottom lip before sighing. He took a quick glance at the clock on the wall before looking back at me. My heart still breaks everytime he looks at me.
"Right now?" He asked.
I was beginning to lose hope. The tone of his voice just made me think that maybe, just maybe, he didn't want to talk to me. I mean, why would he after all? We did break up, and we haven't spoken to each other in months. But I looked up into his eyes. I sighed and nodded. "Please?"
He sighed once more. "I really wish I could, Brittany, but...you see, I have football practice in 10 minutes..."
My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. "Oh."
Pure silence swept over us. And I hated it. I absolutely hated the fact that we seem so distant from each other now. It breaks my heart, remembering all the times we had before this stupid break up of ours. But then I had to remind myself that breaking up with him was the right choice. It was the healthiest thing to do, not only for me, but for Alvin too. But now, in the situation that I'm in, a part of me wishes that I could undo the whole thing...
I sighed inaudibly. "If you're busy, it's totally understandable." I said weakly.
"But if it's really that important, then-" Alvin started.
"No, it's fine." I said.
Alvin sighed and shook his head. He looked at me and said, "Brittany, whatever it is, I-"
"Alvin, I said it's okay." I said, not realizing til now that I had snapped at him.
Alvin closed his mouth and studied me. His eyes never left mine, and mine never left his. I felt my heartbeat getting faster. What the hell am I doing? Why am I pushing him away like this? I knew I had to talk to him soon, so why am I distancing myself away from him even more?
I sighed and looked down. "Alvin, I'm sorry. It's just..." I trailed off.
"I really wish I could skip practice today, but then my coach will probably kick me off the team, and I'll never hear the end of it." He said, shrugging, but giving me a half smile.
I couldn't help but smile back.
"But...but if you want, I can come over to your house after that, if that's okay with you." Alvin told me.
I said nothing at first. To be brutally honest, I wanted him to come over, but just knowing that they two of us will be alone in the same room together for the first time in a long time just made my stomach do little twists and turns. And what would my sisters say? They know the situation going on between me and Alvin, so what will they say - what will they think - once they see Alvin at our front door again?
But I had to do what was right. Despite everything, despite all the little emotions I was now suddenly feeling, I knew that no matter what, I still love him. I still love him as if we had never broken up. But I had to remind myself why I needed to talk to him. As much as I wanted to, it wasn't to get back together with him.
No, it was to tell him that I was leaving. Leaving, moving to New York, the other side of the entire country.
My heart shattered but I managed to smile. But trust me, there was nothing genuine about that smile. Like I said, everytime I looked at him, memories came back into my mind, reminding myself that I love him. I still love him. I will never stop loving him.
"Yeah, that's okay with me." I managed to say.
He gave me that half, charming smile of his that I always loved. But I could see that there was something inside him holding him back. "Alright then. I guess I'll see you later?"
I sighed deeply and nodded. You have no idea how much I wanted to walk over to him and wrap my arms around him like old times. But no, I can't. I gave him one last weak smile before I turned around on my heel to walk away. But then, he called my name.
"Britt?" He called me gently.
I stopped and spun back around, making eye contact with him again. "Yeah?"
He smiled softly and shrugged. "It's nice...seeing you again."
Once he said that, I felt as though the entire world around me melted away. On the inside, I felt my inner little girl squeal. I melt my heart bloom into love and adoration - something I haven't felt in a long, long time. But then that feeling disappeared as quickly as it came because I was soon reminded of what I had to tell him later on.
"It's nice seeing you too." I called back gently.
Alvin just smiled at me before picking his gym bag off the floor and swinging it across one shoulder. He gave me a small wave goodbye before heading off into the opposite direction. And the moment I saw him walk away, I just wanted to run after him. Everything came back. All the emotions I had from the very first time I met him, to the day we broke up, came back to me. And there was something inside of me that was wishing - hoping, in fact - that he still feels the same way about me, the same way I still feel about him.
Once I arrived home after school, I instantly went upstairs and into my room. I sat down on my bed with my head in my hands. Now that Alvin's coming here, how am I gonna tell him? It occurred to me now how unprepared I am to tell him that I'm moving. It kills me to even think about it. The fact that Alvin and I have lost so much time together, and that we will never get it back, really hit my emotions in a way I could never describe.
But the thing I feared the most was seeing his reaction.
The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt him.
After about 30 minutes of pure silence, of pure contemplating, I walked out of my room, and descended down the stairs. I went into the kitchen where I found Jeanette and Eleanor at the table doing their homework. I didn't say a word to them as I entered the kitchen, but they looked at me as I sat down across from them.
"What's wrong Britt?" Eleanor asked.
I didn't know how to start, but I might as well get it over with. I looked at Jeanette and Eleanor and said, "Alvin's coming over."
They both froze.
"He is? Why?" Jeanette asked.
"I asked to talk to him." I answered.
"Oh my gosh, wait. Are you guys getting back together?" Jeanette asked.
I sighed and replied by shaking my head.
Eleanor frowned. "You're not? Then why is he coming?"
I looked at her. "You guys know why." I said quietly.
Eleanor looked at me in confusion before finally saying, "Oh my gosh, Britt. You're not telling him about New York, are you?"
I sighed. "I have to." I whispered.
Jeanette and Eleanor both gasped. Jeanette said, "You haven't told him yet?"
I shook my head again. "No. I haven't gotten the chance to even speak to him at all."
"Oh my God, Britt! He's gonna be so upset." Jeanette said.
I looked down, knowing that she was right. "I know. But...but I don't know what else to do. I know that I have to tell him. I have to tell him now - today. But I'm just so scared that he'll be mad at me. I don't want him to feel as though we're...leaving each other for good."
But before Eleanor or Jeanette could respond, there came a series of knocks on the door. I felt myself freeze as I looked over at my sisters. They were looking back at me with the same expression. Now that I know that I have no chance to turn back, I completely lost my train of thought. How the hell was I gonna explain this to him? It felt so real now. So real, it was frightening.
I was leaving. I was leaving, and Alvin didn't even know it yet.
Eleanor sighed. "You better go get the door. Jeanette and I will give you guys privacy."
I nodded as I slowly got out of my chair. As I walked out of the kitchen, through the living room towards the front door, each step made it feel as though everything was getting more farther. As I took one more step towards the door, I could feel the walls of my throat closing in on me. It's been ages since Alvin and I talked to each other in private, and as of now, I didn't even want to think of what will happen later on when I actually tell him.
I finally reached the door. I closed my eyes, and as I took a deep breath, I opened them up again, and opened the door.
Alvin stood there, instantly locking gazes with me as I gently swung open the door. Gosh, this reminds me of all the times he would come over, and how he would stand at the door, smiling, and leaning in to kiss me hello. But no, there was none of that. There was nothing like that between us anymore.
"Hey." He said softly.
"Hi." I replied.
We both kinda stood here in pure silence for a few seconds before he finally said, "Thanks for letting me over."
I only nodded as I stepped aside to let him enter. I closed the door behind me before turning to look at him. Gosh, it's been so long since he's last been here. And it hurts to remember the last time when he and I were here together - the day we broke up.
"So..." He sighed. "You wanna talk?"
My eyes darted to the kitchen, before going back to him. I couldn't risk my sisters overhearing our conversation, even though I truthfully had nothing to hide. But then I nodded gently and said, "Can we go upstairs? I need to talk to you...privately."
He raised his eyebrows slightly before nodding. I walked up the stairs, knowing that he was following close behind. I sighed deeply to myself as we arrived at my bedroom. Yes, it was making my stomach go in knots, but I knew I had a purpose of bringing him here. I closed the door behind me as Alvin and I walked in. Alvin went to go sit at the edge of my bed while I sat down on the chair of my computer desk. Silence was spilled upon the both of us for a while. I looked at Alvin. He was staring at the floor.
"Alvin?" I called.
He looked at me. "Yeah?"
I opened my mouth to say something but then I closed it half a second later. I didn't know how to start. I mean, how was I gonna start? I didn't want to tell him the news of me leaving so soon, like, right away. I hated the fact that I couldn't even start a conversation with him anymore! But despite the fact that I couldn't start talking, I had so much things to say on my mind. I had too much to say, in fact.
And before I even knew it, before I even had time to reconsider what I'm saying, the words I had been keeping locked up inside of me, came sliding off my mouth.
"I missed you." I whispered.
My heart began to thud once I realized what I just said. I was afraid to look up into Alvin's eyes, afraid to see his reaction. But I knew I had to. I unlocked my gaze from the carpeted floor, and looked up to look into his eyes. And to my deep and utter surprised, Alvin just sat there, looking at me with a soft gaze, the gaze that use to remind me of the times we had together.
Seconds turned into minutes, and by the end of it, it seemed as though this silence would never end. I quickly began to regret my decision of telling him. Oh God, I had just made a fool of myself! Why did I tell him I missed him? I seemed so weak. I felt so weak! My cheeks began to heat up in embarrassment. Gosh, Alvin must hate me so much right now! I just wanted to melt into a pool of liquid, and drain away...
But then, Alvin began to chuckle quietly.
I looked at him, confused.
He looked at me and said, "Here, sit with me." He shifted over to make room for me.
I awkwardly got off my chair and sat beside him on the edge of my bed. My heart started to race. Why did he laugh? Did he really think this was a joke? But before I knew it, I felt him wrap an arm around my waist as he pulled me closer to him. I turned to him, the same time he turned to me. His gold eyes were gleaming.
"Is this why you wanted me to come over?" He whispered gently.
"What?" I asked.
"Is this why you asked me to come over? To tell me that you missed me?" He asked.
I glared at him, hating the fact that he was saying that as if it was a joke. I looked at him and said, "No."
He laughed. "You're a terrible liar."
I froze. I had to tell myself to get to the point, to stop making this conversation longer than it really should. I had to remind myself why I asked him to come over. I had to tell him that I was leaving! But the wrong answer came out of my mouth.
"Okay, fine. So what?" I asked.
He smiled. "So, you missed me, huh?"
I could see that he was taunting me now - the same way he had done when we were still together. I smiled a little and said, "Why? Is there a problem?"
He laughed again. I smiled, soon finding myself more comfortable around him now. He shook his head and said, "No. In fact, I'm glad you told me."
"Why?" I asked.
Alvin sighed, never taking his eyes off of mine. "Because I missed you too."
I felt my heart explode. Did I really just hear that? I felt a newly found happiness in myself again, knowing that despite our break up, he still misses me. I looked at him, expecting him to reveal that he was just kidding, but no. We just sat here on the bed, looking at each other in silence.
"You did?" I asked, almost sheepishly.
Alvin nodded vaguely. "A lot, in fact."
That made me laugh softly. I smiled as I felt his arm around my waist pull me even closer to his body. I looked at him and said, "How do I know that you're not lying?"
He raised his eyebrows and said, "Because these past 3 months have been hell for me. Ever since we broke up, I honestly couldn't stop thinking about you."
I laughed, finding myself even more comfortable with him now. "Yeah, right."
He laughed. "And I know you couldn't stop thinking about me too."
"Excuse me?" I asked.
He looked at me teasingly. "You can't deny that, Brittany."
I scoffed. "For your information, I haven't thought about you at all."
Alvin laughed. "Now that, I don't believe."
I just looked at him in disbelief. "And here I am, thinking that your ego may have died down a little."
"In your dreams." He laughed.
I laughed and sighed. I shrugged and said, "Fine, I admit it. Ever since we broke up with each other, I was hoping that we would get back together soon. As much as I hate admitting this, especially to you, all I could think about was you."
He smirked. "Thought so."
I playfully slapped him. "You're still so hot headed." I said, and he laughed.
Silence dawned upon us again. Alvin and I just looked at each other without saying a word. I felt so happy, something I haven't felt in a long time. Words cannot even express how happy I am, knowing that Alvin and I are at this stage again. And even though I'm still unsure about where our relationship stands now, it still felt good to be around him after so long. It was quiet for another moment or two until I heard him sigh. I looked up at him.
"So...are we back together?" He asked.
I was suddenly taken aback. "W-What?"
He didn't say anything for a few seconds before sighing. "Are we back together again?" He asked.
I froze and gulped to myself. Oh no. No, no no! The moment he asked me that, I felt as though I completely lost my entire train of thought. You have no idea how much I wanted to say yes, but I just had to keep on reminding myself that I couldn't. I couldn't get back together with him. I brought him here for a reason - I had to tell him that in a few weeks, I would be leaving...
I had to tell him the truth. I had to tell him the truth to prevent the both of us from getting hurt even more.
As much as I wanted to, I couldn't allow myself to get back together with him.
I had to stop.
I had to tell him before it was too late.
"I..." I whispered, but instantly closed my mouth.
Alvin slightly frowned, and I instantly knew that he was assuming something else. It broke my heart, seeing him frown like that. But as much as I tried, I just couldn't bring myself up to tell him the truth. I just wasn't able to speak up and tell him that I brought him here for a reason - a reason that I was too scared to admit in front of him...
I was so scared to speak. I was so scared to answer.
"Britt?" He asked me quietly.
I looked up at him, and before I knew it, I leaned in, and kissed him on the lips. I knew I had surrendered to my guilt, but there was nothing I could do to admit the truth. But all I did was kiss him. The moment I did, I felt as though nothing else mattered anymore. I was suddenly lost, and all I could focus on was Alvin. It has been way too long since our last kiss, and now, kissing him for the first time since our breakup, just made me feel so loved again.
I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it seemed like the only way...
Alvin responded by gently kissing me back, as I wrapped my arms around his neck. I never wanted to let go of him, and I never wanted him to let go of me. And before I even knew it, I felt myself being pushed onto my back, onto my bed. I sighed and moaned softly as I felt Alvin kiss me down the side of my neck.
No, Brittany. Stay focused. You need to tell Alvin what's really happening.
But that distant voice in my head was instantly pushed away from my thoughts. I automatically lost control as I soon found myself pulling Alvin's shirt over his head, and pushing him on his back as I straddled on his toned body. I gave him one last smirk before leaning down, and resumed our kiss...
I soon woke up, finding myself wrapped up in my pillows and blankets on my bed. I smiled to myself as I gently stretched. It felt so amazing, waking up with a smile on my face again. I sighed to myself as I felt my comfy bed underneath my naked back. Yes, I was still naked.
I gently giggled to myself as memories of what happened earlier, poured back into my mind. Did I actually just have sex with Alvin? Yes, yes I did. And gosh, it was incredible.
Everything was so peaceful, but I couldn't help but feel guilty on the inside...
I sighed as I looked over at the clock. It was a little bit past 6pm. I rolled over on my side, expecting to see Alvin lying down beside me, but he wasn't there. I quickly sat up, covering my bare body with my blanket and frowned. Where was he? But all the relief came back to me as I heard my washroom door click open. Alvin walked out, and smiled when he saw that I was awake. But I frowned, seeing that he was fully dressed again.
"What?" He asked, noticing my frown.
"You're wearing clothes." I said.
He laughed as he strode over to me. He leaned down and kissed me, but quickly pulled away, which made me frown even more. He sighed and sat down beside me. "What now?"
It only took me a moment to realize that he could read the expression on my face. I couldn't keep the truth away from him much long. I mean, I brought him here to talk to him, didn't I? I brought him here to tell him that I was leaving. So why wasn't I able to say anything? I looked at him and sighed. "I actually have something to tell you..."
He looked at me. "Oh. What is it?"
But right when I tried opening my mouth, I just couldn't. We just got back together and I didn't want to ruin everything else between us, especially now! But it was just so difficult to try and tell him the news, even though I wanted to so badly. We only had such limited amounts of time left until I really leave for good. But despite all these reasons, I couldn't find the guts to tell him. I guess my heart finally made it's decision - for now.
"I love you." I said.
Even though that wasn't what I was intending to say, it still felt amazing to say that to him again.
Alvin smiled and leaned in to kiss me softly on the lips. "I love you too." He whispered.
I smiled back. But deep inside, I knew that this guilt would be eating me alive until I told him.
But I guess it'll just have to wait.
But the longer I wait, the closer it gets to the day I leave.
And I knew I had to tell Alvin before it's too late.
Hm, it looks like Alvin and Brittany are back together. But when will Brittany tell him? Will she even be able to tell him? How will Alvin react? What do you guys think will happen to their relationship once Brittany tells him the news? :o
I apologize for not being able to update as much anymore, but thanks for being so patient and bearing with me. I hope you all liked this chapter! PLEASE review! :D