Losing My Mind, Losing Control
Life's too short to even care at all.
Title: Losing My Mind, Losing Control
Rating: PG 13
Spoilers: 3x14 (On My Way), there is also a spoiler from a picture released from the next episode though you won't know it's a spoiler if you haven't seen it
Warnings: casual swearing
TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR: frank discussions of attempted suicide, gay bashing, and severe car collisions resulting in serious injuries
Characters/Pairings: Blaine Anderson, Cooper Anderson, Kurt/Blaine, ensemble cast
Summary: This is quite possibly the worst week of Blaine's life, beating out the week following the Sadie Hawkins dance by a long mile.
Disclaimer: I do not claim any ownership rights to Glee as it belongs to FOX network and the show's producers. Title credit goes to Cough Syrup by Young the Giant. The first song Kurt sings is Hey Jude by the Beatles. The second one they sing together is Yellow by Coldplay.
Author's Note: If you haven't read the warnings, there are A LOT OF TRIGGERS in this. If you are easily triggered, please, please don't read this. Just a little background, this episode meant a lot to me and I think it meant a lot to other people as well. With that said, I'd like to ask that you don't actually discuss the episode in the comments – there are places for that. Also, I don't know why I always do this to Blaine, but I seem to enjoy piling the angst onto him. It's always been my headcanon that Blaine has struggled with depression and the side effects which come with it. I wrote this because although I've never been in David's situation, I very well could have been and watching this episode made me realize that.
Rachel delays for as long as she possibly can. They get lucky because the Justice of Peace gets food poisoning and they have to wait another hour before they can get Finn and Rachel married. Blaine can see that Rachel is starting to worry because Quinn promised and she never backs down on her promises.
"Something's wrong you guys," Rachel says, "I can feel it. Something is really, really wrong."
She keeps scrolling back to the last message from Quinn. On my way, it reads. And Blaine can't let himself get too worked up about this – Quinn probably just got caught behind a tractor trailer or something. Kurt, Finn, Mr. Berry and Mr. Berry take turns comforting Rachel, assuring her that Quinn is fine and she'll show up soon – she said so herself.
They get the call ten minutes before the new Justice of Peace is scheduled to show up. It's Carole's phone that rings – Judy Fabray, says the caller ID.
"H-hello," Carole answers hesitantly, "Judy?" The room is silent; everyone is hanging on bated breath, anxious to hear what is taking Quinn so long.
"What?" Carole quickly sinks down onto one of the leather chairs beside the bride's maids. "Oh my god, Judy, slow down! What happened?" And then she's quiet for a long time, listening to Mrs. Fabray on the other side of the line.
Maybe it's because he's sitting so close to her, but Blaine is the first one to see the tear roll down Carole's cheek and he knows automatically that something terrible has happened to Quinn.
"Y-yes, yes of course, Judy," Carole says, "We'll be there as soon as possible." She hangs up the phone and for a few moments, just quietly stares off into the distance.
Everyone else seems to be too scared to ask, so it's Blaine who kneels down in front of Carole and asks, "Carole, what happened?" in the most scared voice he's used since Sadie Hawkins.
"Quinn…Quinn's been in an accident," Carole says, so quite that they can barely hear. "Two car collision, she was hit by a pick-up truck, she's in pretty bad shape – they're rushing her into surgery."
There's a sharp gasp – Blaine isn't sure who from, maybe Rachel – and from somewhere in the corner of his eye, he sees Santana fall to her knees, Brittany quickly following after. The world seems to have stopped. No one is worried about stopping this wedding or starting it, or almost losing David, or, or –
And then there's a flurry of movement – everyone rushing to gather coats and bags and car keys, because Quinn Fabray is in the hospital and oh my god, why are they still here? Blaine grabs Kurt's hand before Kurt can run out the door with his family.
"Blaine, let go! I have to go see her!" Kurt shouts, angry that Blaine is holding him back.
"You will, Kurt OK?" Blaine assures. "We just – we'll take my car."
"I need to be with my family right now, Blaine. I love you, but I need to be with them, please."
What Blaine wants to say is, I drove here alone, I can't go there by myself, I need you to be here with me, please Kurt just go with me. What he does say it, "Ok, I'll follow you."
Blaine waits for everyone to leave before he goes to find the Justice of Peace. He explains their situation to her, and no, he doesn't know if they'll be rescheduling or when, but he'll make sure they call.
He makes it to his car without shedding a single tear. He hasn't known Quinn for very long, but over the past few weeks, they've bonded – talks about Yale and parents with unreasonable expectations and shitty dads bonding them in ways that no one else could possibly understand. And Blaine just doesn't get how this could happen – he just saw her in her Cheerios uniform two hours ago!
He's not sure if he should be driving. The thoughts of getting behind a wheel terrify him right now because oh my god, Quinn was just in a car crash. Holy shit. But this is the only way he can get to the hospital – everyone else already left.
He turns the ignition on and his iPod starts to play Hear You Me. And isn't that just fan-fucking-tastic? Even his music is against him right now. Blaine has half a mind to rip his iPod from the stereo and throw it out the window. But he thinks he'll let Jimmy Eat World croon away at him for a little while longer.
This week has been the worst emotional rollercoaster of his life – very high highs and very low lows. He's friends with the Warblers again, but that's only because David tried to commit suicide and they won Regionals and Finn and Rachel were going to get married, but Quinn could be dying in an operating room right now.
Blaine holds back tears because he needs to see the road and he can't afford to get in an accident. Not now. Not after this. He's not a stranger to car wrecks. His second-freshman year, four months after he'd been discharged from the hospital and three weeks after they'd cut off the cast on his leg, Blaine had stolen the keys to his mom's Volvo and driven to a deserted road where he successfully wrapped the car around a light post.
Needless to say, he hadn't been allowed to get behind a wheel for a long time after that. Not that he could without suffering from severe panic attacks. He'd gotten off lucky that time with only a broken wrist, a concussion and a terrible case of whiplash – apparently Volvo's are notoriously safe cars even when you're trying to be unsafe with them.
He hadn't talked a lot about David's attempted suicide. He simply couldn't bring himself to and also, he hadn't had much time to even think about it because he was busy comforting Kurt, who blamed himself. Blaine couldn't express just how much Kurt was not at fault here because he knew, god, he knew exactly what David was thinking and it was not anything to do with Kurt.
Out of everyone in Glee, Blaine is the only one who knows. He is the only one who knows what David felt and why he felt it. It didn't matter that Mr. Schue had thought about it, because Blaine had actually done it – twice. It's not as if anyone knew or that Blaine would tell any of them, but Blaine had been there and had almost succeeded.
And Blaine hadn't even thought about any of it until now. Until he was sitting in the parking lot of the very hospital they had brought him to, waiting to go see his friend who could be dying. The very hospital where David had been admitted and fuck, Blaine hadn't even been to see him yet.
What would he say anyway? Hey, I've hated you for close to a year now, but if you need to talk, I'm here? I'm probably the only person in this godforsaken town who knows what you're going through?
No, he doesn't think he could do that.
He sits in the car for a little longer. The song on the stereo changes to Cough Syrup and he lets out a bitter laugh. Because he sang that song about his own bullying experience. He sang that song for the anniversary of the day he almost died. He sang that song and when he was singing it, David Karofsky was trying to kill himself. And isn't that ironic?
He sighs as the song ends and he lets himself out of the car. The trek to the hospital from the parking lot seems almost never ending and too short altogether.
Everyone is in the waiting room once he gets there. Rachel tucked between her dads, Finn with his mom, Kurt with his dad, Brittany on Santana's lap, Santana leaned on Puck, Sugar on Artie's lap, Rory on the floor holding Sugar's hand, Mercedes with her head on Sam's shoulder, Tina tucked into Mike's side, Mr. Schue and Ms. Pillsbury huddled together, Sue Sylvester talking to Quinn's mom. It's unnerving how quiet it is, considering how loud they usually are, Blaine's not used to it. And standing there, in waiting room with everyone paired off, Blaine has never felt so alone.
He walks in and sits down on the floor by Kurt's feet and leans back on his legs. Kurt reaches a hand down onto Blaine's shoulder and Blaine reaches his up to link their fingers together. They're quiet for a long time, everyone lost in their own thoughts and fears. Blaine doesn't let himself think, doesn't let his mind wander. Instead, he focuses on counting the number of circles his thumb has rubbed onto Kurt's wrist and thinking about how ridiculous they must all look in their suits and dresses.
He's taken to counting the number of dots on the ceiling tiles when his phone goes off.
"Blaine, you should turn that off," Kurt says.
Blaine pulls the phone out of his pocket to do just that when he notices the caller ID. Lima Memorial Hospital, it reads. Confused and curious, he gets up to take the call outside.
"Hello," he answers.
"Blaine Anderson?" a woman on the other side asks.
"Y-yes," he stutters, because the hospital never makes calls to deliver good news.
"Sir, we regret to inform you that your brother was recently admitted to Lima Memorial, we tried to contact your parents, but we couldn't reach them," the woman says. Her voice is unbearably calm, condescendingly soothing and generally quite unhelpful in helping him calm the fuck down.
Blaine sinks to the ground, because no. No, this could not be happening right now. Not now. Not ever. Please, god, let this just be a cruel joke.
"Mr. Anderson? Mr. Anderson, are you still with me?"
"Wh-what? Yes, yes I'm still here. Our parents are in Guatemala right now…Cooper wasn't even supposed to be in town! Oh my god, oh my god," Blaine rambles.
"Sir, sir I need you to calm down so I can tell you what happened," the woman says.
Blaine breathes – in, out, in, out. "OK, alright, I'm calm."
"Mr. Anderson, your brother's truck was involved an accident a –" she starts.
And a sudden feeling of dread fills Blaine's stomach. "– a two car collision," he finishes for her. Because he knows. This is just the way Blaine's life is, one shitfest after another.
"I- yes, how did you know?" she asks.
"Unless there's been any other major car crashes within the last hour – my friend – my friend was in the other car," he chokes out. Why is this happening?
"Oh," she hesitates, "I-I'm so sorry, Mr. Anderson."
"It's alright," Blaine sniffs, "Can you tell me where he is? I'm already at the hospital, I just need a room number."
"He's in surgery right now, but if you can come to the information desk in the emergency room, we can fill you in on the details."
"I – OK, ok I'll be right there."
He hangs up the call and runs. It's funny, he knows this hospital backwards and forwards by now. He doesn't even have to think about how he has to get to A&E, his body just guides him there. He gets there in record time – three minutes, tops.
"Hi, I'm here for Cooper Anderson," Blaine says when he approaches the counter.
The woman sitting behind the counter raises a perfectly plucked eyebrow, "And you are?"
"Blaine Anderson, his brother," he supplies.
"Can I see some ID?"
Blaine rolls his eyes, he knows it's standard procedure or whatever, but it's frustrating. He pulls out his wallet and shows her his driver's licence. She scans the card and nods, pulling out a clipboard filled with papers from under the desk.
"He's in surgery right now, so you're going to have to wait for him in the post-op waiting room on the third floor. And because you're eighteen and your parents aren't here, you are technically your brother's power of attorney. So, I'm going to need you fill this out as best as can, OK? His doctor will come and talk to you there." She hands him the clipboard and Blaine numbly nods as he takes it.
"D-do you have his wallet? His insurance information is in there," Blaine says.
The woman smiles softly and nods. She reaches behind her for a cart full of Ziploc bags with patients' belongings in them and pulls out one with Cooper Anderson written on it in black Sharpie.
"Everything we could salvage from the crash is in there," she says. "I'm so sorry."
Blaine nods again. "Thank you," he says. He takes the clipboard and the bag and makes his way back to the room – where moments ago, he was waiting for his friend – to wait for his brother.
Everyone stares at him when he gets back and it takes him approximately five seconds to all but collapse on the floor and start crying. They're all so shocked, that for a moment, none of them know what to do.
And then Kurt is there, lightning fast, kneeling down beside him, pulling Blaine into his embrace,
"Shh," Kurt sooths, "Shh, Blaine, honey, what's wrong?"
Blaine opens his mouth to say something, but all that comes out is a wretched sob. Kurt kisses the top of Blaine's head and ushers them over to a vacant corner of the room. Blaine is still clutching the bag full of Cooper's things and the clipboard while Kurt clutches onto him.
Hey Jude, don't make it bad/ Take a sad song, and make it better, Blaine hears the familiar tune being hummed into his ears. Kurt rubs soft circles on his back and sings softly to him until he calms down. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, Blaine thinks he's very lucky to have someone like Kurt in his life.
When Kurt senses that he won't breakdown again, he points to the clipboard and asks, voice hushed, "Want to tell me what those are for?"
"It's paperwork," Blaine whispers back.
"Paperwork for what?"
"It's to admit patients into the hospital."
"Who are you admitting to the hospital? Blaine, what's going on?" Kurt asks, panicked.
Everyone is staring curiously at them, trying to gauge the situation, but they're too quiet for anyone else to hear them.
Blaine buries his face into Kurt's shoulder and mumbles, "It's Cooper, Cooper was the other driver."
And Kurt's hand on his back stills as he's pulled into another bone-crushing hug.
"Oh, Blaine," he whispers. Blaine feels the splash of Kurt's warm tears on his head and Blaine starts to cry again. It's not fair. But who's to say Blaine's life has ever been fair? He hates this stupid hospital and its stupid plastic waiting chairs and the stupid fucking hand-sanitizer dispensers every ten feet.
There're too many memories here, he thinks. Too many nights spent alone on a hospital bed in the children's wing. And days spent under the wary eyes of the suicide-watch staff making sure he didn't choke himself on his toothbrush or fashion a weapon out of the plastic sporks they gave him with his stale hospital meals.
But he can't go down that road right now – no one here knows, Kurt doesn't know. And now isn't the time to tell anyone about it either. He doesn't need them worrying anymore. Besides, he hasn't had any thoughts for almost a year. He's stronger and something like this isn't going to throw him off the wagon – not if he can help it.
He tucks himself into Kurt's side and fills out his brother's admittance papers and hopes to god, or whatever, that everyone he knows walks out of this hospital alive.
Name: Cooper Theodor Anderson, Age: 25, DOB: June 19, 1987…Blaine's hands start to shake and he can't even write his stupid brother's stupid medical conditions down without completely losing control. Kurt pulls the pen and clipboard out of his hands.
"Why don't you tell me what to write down?" he asks. Blaine nods, not trusting his voice to work at the moment. Kurt whispers questions on the forms to him and he whispers back answers. It's mindless work and that, of course, is why his mind begins to wonder.
It's funny, Blaine thinks, that a couple of years ago, Cooper was the one in the waiting room, filling up forms for Blaine. Cooper was the one that had found him the second time – three months after his attempt with the car, this time with a bottle of his father's sleep medication (they didn't tell Blaine where they kept his own medication, too afraid that he might do something drastic).
He feels like he should apologize for putting Cooper through that. He thought about apologizing to Mr. Karofsky too, but soon realized that it was stupid apologizing for something that Blaine had no part in. Besides, Mr. Karofsky had never even met him and he didn't think that the man would take too kindly to strangers consoling him for his almost-loss.
Two doctors in scrubs walk into the room. Everyone is too distracted by the first, who calls out, Fabray, to notice the second. Blaine is about to walk towards the first doctor when he hears the second one ask for family of Cooper Anderson, please.
Blaine walks towards the man. He's wearing blue scrubs, cap on his head and surgical mask hanging from his neck. Blaine can make out splatters of blood on his top and – oh god, that's Cooper's blood.
"H-hi," Blaine says, his voice sounds wrecked, "I'm his brother, Blaine Anderson."
"Hello, Mr. Anderson, I'm Cooper's surgeon, Dr. Matheson," the man says, reaching out to shake Blaine's hand.
"I uh – I have his forms done," Blaine replies.
"That's great, I'll get this to one of the nurses as soon as we finish in here. I just wanted to come in and give you an update on Cooper."
Blaine looks at Dr. Matheson, hoping that he won't actually have to ask about what's wrong with his brother.
"As you know," the doctor begins, "we had to rush him to surgery as soon as the EMTs brought him in. Cooper had several broken ribs and a punctured lung as well as a broken femur. We've set his ribs and repaired the lung – the leg will have to wait until his other injuries have healed. We're getting it set in a cast now, but we will need to put some screws in there to hold the bones in place."
Lungs, ribs, leg. Not too, too horrible. Blaine's had worse, and if he can make it through that, Cooper can definitely make it through this.
"When can I see him?" Blaine asks. In his peripheral vision, he can see his friends listening intently to Quinn's doctor. Her mom is clutching onto Carole's arm, everyone else huddled together in a makeshift circle. Kurt keeps taking glances at Blaine, shooting him worried looks. Their eyes meet and Blaine gives him a small, sad smile to tell him that Cooper will be alright.
"We're casting his leg, but he's already got a room," Dr. Matheson says. "You can wait for him there, however, it will take him at least another hour to kick the sedatives and even then, he'll be out for the night. You should go home, get changed and get some toiletries for your brother – maybe try and get a hold of your parents."
Blaine nods, but he's not going home. There is no way he's going home to an empty house knowing that his brother's in the hospital. He doesn't trust himself to be alone in that house right now. Maybe he'll call David and ask him to pick some things up.
"Which room will he be in?"
"313, up stairs," the doctor replies.
"OK, thank you."
Dr. Matheson leaves just before Quinn's doctor does. Kurt rushes over to Blaine as soon as everyone else is immersed in conversation about Quinn. He doesn't say anything, just engulfs Blaine in a hug and squeezes tight. It feels impossibly like Kurt is the only thing holding him together. Like if Kurt lets go, all of Blaine's limbs will fall apart into a million tiny pieces and he will cease to exist.
"How is he?" Kurt asks.
"As good as can be expected – broken ribs, punctured lung, shattered femur. He'll be fine, just a lot of recovery to go through." Blaine sighs into Kurt's shoulder, not wanting to think about having to watch his brother hobble around on a crutch all day.
"Good, that's good."
Kurt pulls out of the hug to look at Blaine. "She had a ruptured spleen, so they had to remove it and – something happened to her spine. They did their best to fix it – it wasn't anything fatal, but they don't know if she'll walk again."
"Oh my god," Blaine gasps. Quinn would be devastated if she could walk anymore. Quinn loves dancing and being a part of the Cheerios, and if – if she couldn't, it would surely break her.
"Yeah," Kurt sighs. "I don't know how she'll get through that. Artie almost threw a fit, but he calmed down and promised Judy that he'd be there to talk if she or Quinn needed anything. I guess we're all still in shock. She'll get better though."
Blaine shuts his eyes and takes deep breaths. This is too much information to process in such a short period of time – first his eye, then David, then Quinn and now Cooper. Blaine is spending entirely too much time in the hospital.
"How are you doing?" Kurt asks.
And Blaine can't help but laugh – bitterly and with no humor at all. "I'm doing just fine Kurt; my brother's in the hospital and so is my friend, I just had major eye surgery, people I thought were my friends betrayed me, and someone I know just tried to kill themselves. I'm doing fine."
Kurt's face falls and he fixes Blaine with that look that says don't try and pull that shit on me, I know you too well.
"Hey, no. I'm sorry," Blaine says softly, pulling Kurt into another embrace. "It's just a lot to handle; I feel like the whole world's coming down on me."
"It's alright," Kurt whispers into his shoulder, "We'll get through this. I'm here for you, however you need me."
They stand there for a long moment before Kurt breaks the silence. "So, what are you going to do?"
"I need to call my parents, let them know what's going on. And then I need to call David – Dalton David, not Karofsky – and ask him to bring me and Cooper some clothes and supplies from the house."
"Oh? I didn't know you guys were talking again."
"He's one of my best friends Kurt."
"After what he – what they did?"
"Yours friends have done some pretty horrible things too and you've always found it in your heart to forgive them."
Kurt furrows his eyebrows, "My friends never put me in the hospital," he says, clearly offended.
"And neither did mine, that was Sebastian," Blaine replies.
"They helped," Kurt says.
"Yes, and your friends stood silently by as your tormentors made your life hell…look, I don't want to fight with you right now, OK? I talked to the Warblers and we're good. They saved me, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them, so please, just let it go."
"I can't just let go of the fact that they hurt you Blaine!"
"And I can't let go of the fact that Karofsky assaulted you! But I respected your decision when you wanted to forgive him and I respected your decision to be his friend, so respect mine!" Blaine can hear his voice rising. He hates yelling and especially hates yelling at Kurt, but sometimes he feels like it's the only way he'll ever be heard.
"Blaine – "
"No, Kurt, I need you to be with me right now. I need you to be my rock – I can't have you faltering on me."
"I know," Kurt whispers, "I know. I'm here, I'm sorry. I love you." He pulls Blaine into a kiss, and for a second, Blaine forgets everything. "What do you need me to do?" Kurt asks when they pull apart.
"Can you call David while I call my parents, please?"
Kurt nods, "Of course."
It's not like there weren't opportunities for him to tell people, Blaine thinks as he sits beside his brother's hospital bed. There have been countless times when he could have told Kurt; across the table at Breadstix when he asked him to prom, in bed tucked into each other after their first time, over coffee at the Lima Bean, after singing Cough Syrup, in that stupid circle when Mercedes said none of them have ever thought about it – he could have spoken up.
But Blaine never did, because that's just who he is. He bottles it up and hides it away so he can pretend, at least for a little while, that it doesn't exist. He can't pretend anymore though, because it's all crashing down around him.
The cracks in his walls are expanding and Blaine can almost feel all his secrets spilling out.
When he first heard about David's attempt, his whole body froze. Almost like he was reliving second-freshman year all over again – except now, he was watching it happen instead of making it happen.
He's always felt sorry for the things that he put his family through back then, but for the first time, he's actually seeing it firsthand. And it's so tiring. Blaine can feel his entire being want to collapse and he just wants to sleep. So he closes his eyes and he remembers.
The first time he tried, was just after he had started school again. He hadn't expected much, but he had at least thought they would go easy on him after everything. But they didn't. They were just as bad as ever – if not worse. In the first two days alone, Blaine had been locked in a janitor's closet, thrown repeatedly into lockers, punched, kicked and threatened. By the end of the week, Blaine was done.
He ran home on Friday and grabbed the keys to his mom's car and, even though he didn't have his licence yet, Blaine got in the car and floored it. He drove and drove until he was on a lone stretch of road and then he let go of the wheel.
He remembers the sound of crunching metal and shattering glass and wailing sirens. He hears them and, in the back of his mind, he knows that he's failed – that if he can still feel it, he's done it wrong. He kind of hates himself for it. He purposely wraps his car around a tree and manages to survive while countless numbers of people die grasping onto their will to live.
Blaine never found out who called the ambulance that night. For a while, it was because he was angry. Because that call saved his life when it shouldn't have and he didn't want to send out the message that he was thankful for any of it. Then when he did want to thank them, it was too late.
The second time was two weeks after Blaine started at Dalton and one month before he joined the Warblers. He'd been home that weekend, lying in bed, life slowly spiralling down. And suddenly, Blaine realised that he couldn't feel it anymore. Somewhere along the way, something inside him had died and his will to live along with it.
It was different this time around. This time, he planned. He waited weeks for the perfect day and wrote letters to his parents and Cooper. And, on a Saturday when everyone was out of the house, Blaine snuck into his parents' bathroom and stole a bottle of his father's sleeping pills. He dressed in the suit he wore to his great aunt's funeral and, for a moment, as he was knotting his tie, contemplated hanging himself. But he didn't want to be any more of a burden than he already was – he didn't want to leave behind a mess for his family to clean up.
So he put his letters on his bedside table, lay down on his bed, and one by one, swallowed twenty little white pills. He thinks he got closer that time – no sound of Cooper's screams or sirens on the ambulance, just black silence. He thinks he almost made it.
Blaine wonders sometimes just how terrified Cooper must have been – to see his brother almost dead on his bed, dressed in his Sunday-best. He'd hoped that his parents would have found him and still hates himself for putting Cooper through that.
Cooper who is lying in a hospital bed right now and god – their parents better be on a plane home because Blaine couldn't care less if they didn't show up for him, but if they don't show up for Cooper, the son they're actually proud of, then they really are the worst people Blaine has ever met. And he's including all the assholes at his old school and Principal Figgins.
Blaine grabs a hold of Cooper's hand and quietly whispers to him.
"Do you remember the very first time I was in the hospital, Coop?" he asks. "I was six – I fell off the monkey bars and broke my leg. Mom couldn't calm me down so they pulled you out of school to come hold my hand while they set my leg. You sang Cyndi Lauper to me. You wouldn't stop teasing me about it for months.
"God, Coop, you better be alright after this. Because if you're not, I'll make your life a living hell. I'll follow you around everywhere and keep asking you if you're OK." Blaine laughs thinking about it. Cooper hates it when people take care of him, even more than Blaine does. He absolutely despises accepting help and depending on other people. It's the one quality about Cooper that annoys Blaine the most because Blaine's default setting is Helper.
Cooper's hand squeezes Blaine's ever so slightly and Blaine tightens his grip. He brings their clasped hands to his lips and kisses Cooper's knuckles.
"I love you, Cooper," he says, "Please be OK."
He must have fallen asleep at one point because when he wakes up, Kurt is there holding Blaine's hand with one of his own and massaging Blaine's shoulder with the other. Blaine leans over and tucks his head into the curve of Kurt's neck.
"David came and dropped off your things, but you were already asleep. He promised to come back tomorrow," Kurt says. Blaine hums in acknowledgement.
"You should get changed."
"Mmm, later – I'm too exhausted to get up," Blaine replies.
"Or," Kurt starts, "you could do it now so that you can be more comfortable and go back to sleep."
Blaine sighs and gets up to start stripping his suit.
"You're really going to do that here?" Kurt asks.
"It's nothing you and Cooper haven't seen before, Kurt. Plus, it's not like I'm going to get naked or anything," Blaine says, a small smile on his face for the first time in what feels like forever.
Kurt smiles back, "Oh, well then, by all means, go on. I would never turn down a free show!"
Blaine loves that they can do this with each other – tease and laugh. He loves that he and Kurt bicker about so many useless things, but agree on all of the important ones. If he were to choose anyone to be with him through this it would always be Kurt…and Cooper, but –
His fingers fumble on the last few buttons of his shirt.
"Come here," Kurt says, motioning his hand to beckon him over. Blaine shuffles his feet so that he's in front of his boyfriend. They're silent as Kurt slowly undresses him. It's intimate, but not in the way they're used to. It's not leading to anything other than Blaine redressing and it feels almost like more than when they have sex.
As Blaine's shirt slides down his shoulders, Kurt presses his fingers into Blaine's back, slowly massaging out the knots in his muscles. Blaine groans and drops his so that it's tucked into Kurt's chest. Suddenly his body begins to shake, the overwhelming wave of sobs he's been trying to restrain wracking his chest and tearing through him.
"Shh," Kurt sooths, "Shh, baby, it's alright. I love you, we'll be OK. Everyone will be fine." He keeps whispering soft reassurances into Blaine's ear and Blaine thinks that they must be quite the sight – Blaine crying, half naked, wrapped in the arms of his boyfriend who's dressed in his very best formal suit, standing next to his sleeping, drugged up brother.
Eventually, they get Blaine undressed and then redressed. Kurt sits down on one of the leather seats they keep in the private rooms and Blaine curls up on his lap with his head rested on Kurt's shoulder. Every now and then Kurt places a soft kiss onto Blaine's forehead, sometimes there's a press of their lips together, quiet comforts while they wait for news on Quinn and for Cooper to wake up.
At one point, Burt comes into the room to tell Kurt that visiting hours are almost over, but Blaine looks so terrified at the thought of Kurt leaving that Burt just promises to bring Kurt a change of clothes and leaves it at that. They drift in and out of sleep and Kurt keeps readjusting them so that his legs don't fall asleep, but for the most part, they stay just as they are.
"Look at the stars, look how they shine for you," Blaine hears Kurt sing.
He smiles and sings back, "And everything you do; yeah they were all yellow."
They trade lines back and forth, singing to each other because it's the only way they can think to pass the time.
"You know, you know I love you so," Kurt sings.
And Blaine leans up to whisper I love you too into Kurt's ear before taking the next line. For a moment, Blaine imagines being able to harness all the stars in the universe for Kurt – gathering them all in the palms of his hands and offering the whole world to the boy he loves the most in the world.
He's pretty sure that they'll both be cramped and aching by the time morning rolls around – Kurt will have lost feeling in his legs and Blaine will have a very large crick in his neck – but he can't bring himself to care. All he wants right now is for Cooper to wake up and for Quinn to be alright and for the doctors to tell him that his brother is OK.
There's a long stretch of time where neither of them says anything, Kurt just rubs circles and odd patterns onto Blaine's back and Blaine presses light kisses into the crook of Kurt's neck. He doesn't know what possesses him to do it, but he suddenly blurts out, "David's attempt really scared me."
Kurt looks at him for a moment before saying, "It scared everyone, Blaine. You don't have to be ashamed of that. Hell, I'd be worried if you weren't scared."
And well shit, now he's going to have to explain himself. Fuck it, he thinks, the night's already bad enough, it's not like he'll be ruining anything by telling Kurt now.
"No, not like that," Blaine says, "I mean, yes like that – but it made me scared of myself, for myself. Of what I would do to myself."
Blaine can feel Kurt tense up behind him. Kurt shifts him up so that they can see each other.
"Blaine?" he asks, "What do you mean, Blaine?" There's worry dripping from his every pore and Blaine is so, so sorry that he brought this up, but it's not like he can stop now – Kurt won't let him.
"I – I was a-afraid," Blaine stutters, "I was afraid that – that it would make me…make me want to try. To try again."
"Try what, Blaine?" Kurt says cautiously, tightening his arms around Blaine like he thought that letting Blaine go now meant letting him fall – which may well have been true.
"Try – try," Blaine swallows, not sure if he can get the words out, but then Kurt is constricting his arms around him and he finds himself saying, "Try to kill myself."
There's a sharp gasp which escapes from Kurt's mouth and then a sob, "Again?" he asks to clarify.
Blaine nods into Kurt's chest because he can't bear to look at the expression on Kurt's face or the tears rolling down his cheeks.
"A couple of years ago, just after The Dance," Blaine whispers. And then, almost as an afterthought, he says, "Twice."
Another loud sob, and then, "Twice?"
Blaine nods again and they don't say anything for a while.
"How – how did you –" Kurt cuts off, but Blaine knows what he wants to ask. What he doesn't know is whether or not he should tell Kurt. Kurt notices his hesitation and makes the decision for him, "Please, I – I need to know, Blaine, please," he begs.
OK, Blaine thinks, he can do this. He can talk about this for the first time since he started seeing his therapist, he can tell this story to someone who isn't his mom or dad or Cooper or Wes.
"Right after the Sadie Hawkins dance," he begins, "I went back to my old school. I spent a month and a half in the hospital and they – they sent me back in there. I threw up the first time I set foot on that parking lot afterwards. There was – I remember Cooper drove me to school that day and I know…I know he didn't know, but he parked right beside where it happened. And I didn't even realize it until I stepped out of the car. I looked down and – and I was standing on this dark brown patch in the asphalt. I was standing right where my blood had pooled that night –"
He can hear Kurt's sharp inhale, "Blaine – "
"No, please, just let me get this out…I won't be able to finish if I stop."
Kurt nods and motions for him to continue.
Blaine takes a deep breath and begins again, "I saw that blood stain and I vomited. I couldn't take it, but they made me go back. God, it was the worst week of my life. I went into school and I was behind on everything and the teachers looked at me like I was stupid – like I didn't have any legitimate excuse to be behind on the work. And when I opened my locker it was just – it was full of all these notes. It was all the same stuff; they should have hit harder; finish the job, go kill yourself; dirty f-fag. The same things, over and over. Every day, my locker would be full of them.
"They even go a hold of my email and my cellphone number and started emailing me and texting me. They'd leave all these horrible voice messages too. I think by the third day back, I had to just take the battery out of my phone and laptop. I couldn't take it.
"That Friday, I went home and the house was empty, but my mom's car was in the driveway. I – I stole her keys and I mean, I couldn't legally drive yet, I was only fifteen, but Coop had been teaching me so I took her keys and I got in the car and I drove. I just – I got to the longest, loneliest stretch of road and then I let go of the wheel."
Blaine pauses there, he can feel the warm splashes of Kurt's tears on his head and the wetness on his cheeks from his own tears.
"It didn't work," he continues after a minute, "I wrapped the car around a light post, but the most damage I did to myself was a broken wrist, whiplash and a bad concussion. They kept me under suicide watch and the nurses would look at me with all this pity and I just – I would always get so angry at them. And my mom – I remember my mom looking at me like she was scared of me, like if she got too close, I would combust into a billion tiny pieces. But anyway, Cooper convinced my parents to let me transfer to Dalton after that.
"I couldn't transfer until the next year, so I stayed at home and then I repeated freshman year – you already knew that."
Kurt nods and holds Blaine closer. He presses a kiss to Blaine's forehead and mouth I love you into his skin. A feeling of overwhelming relief washes through Blaine. He'd been so afraid of this – of telling Kurt and being rejected – that he had never even considered the fact that Kurt might understand and still love him in spite and because of his burdens and struggles.
So he continues with his story, knowing that Kurt will still love him after. "The second time was after I was already at Dalton. It was two weeks after I started. I – I was so exhausted. Everything was too much – the work was too hard, the commute was too far, everyone was too distant. I just kept ignoring everything and after a while, I couldn't feel anything anymore. I was so numb and empty.
"I couldn't see the point anymore, you know? That first time, with the car – I couldn't handle the pain. But the second time – it was like I just couldn't care anymore. I was so fucking apathetic about everything. Nothing mattered anymore – not even me. I planned it that time. Just days and days of perfecting it – like an obsession. I wrote letters – one for my parents, one for Cooper, one for everyone else – to apologize, explain myself or something like that. I think my parents threw their one out, but Cooper has his folded in his wallet – I saw it today when I was getting his insurance card out.
"It was on a Saturday. Everyone was out of the house and I was there alone. I delayed it for as long as possible; I cleaned the house, did the laundry. I don't know why, but I guess there was a part of me that wanted to go out having done one last thing for someone else. Like Cooper and my parents would come in and see the house neat and clean and then the blow of my death wouldn't be quite as bad – like, at least the house was clean, you know?" He lets out a breathy laugh at his own stupidity.
"I took my dad's sleeping pills because they wouldn't tell me where they were keeping my pain meds. There was this whole process of dressing up in my Sunday best – I even put on my favourite tie. And then I lied down on my bed popped something like twenty pills.
"I don't know how long it took, but Cooper came home early and found me. He – he stuck his finger down my throat to make me puke it up, but I don't think it worked. They pumped my stomach. I remember Cooper was so furious. At me, I guess, but at the world too. I think that's what got me through, in the end. The knowledge that there was someone in the world who hated the world for doing what it did to me.
"I joined the Warblers a couple of weeks later. Wes was my roommate back then, so he knew about the attempt. And he was good to me, he still is. He's my best friend. But yeah, the Warblers gave me something to live for…and then I met you." Blaine looks up at Kurt with a wobbly smile and Kurt gives him a watery one in return.
They wake up in the morning with stiff necks and numb legs.
Kurt laughs when Blaine tries to get up and stretch, but ends up on the floor because he can't feel his lower body. Blaine gets his revenge when Kurt can't even get off the chair.
It's the lightest Blaine's felt in a really long time. Even though his injured brother is right there beside him, and his injured friend is somewhere in the same building, Blaine suddenly feels a lot less frightened.
When they finally get a hold on themselves, Kurt wraps himself around Blaine and kisses him with all the passion in the world. It's like he's trying to pour all of his emotion into Blaine with his lips and his tongue.
They pull apart and Kurt whispers into Blaine's ear, "I am so proud of you," like it's the secret of the universe, like it's the most important thing in the world. Blaine smiles, thinking that he's just heard the best thing that anyone could ever possibly say to him.
But then Kurt continues, "You are the bravest, most amazing, beautiful boy I have ever known. And I wonder everyday what I did to deserve you, but then I realize that it doesn't matter. Because you're here, and you love me and I love you. And whatever else the world decides to throw at us won't matter because we'll have each other."
And really, that's all there is to say. Blaine knows there are a lot of horrors to face in the world – he's already seen many of them. He's been fighting for so damn long that he doesn't remember what it's like to just be. There have been a lot of struggles in his life and he knows that there will be so much more, but for now, Blaine thinks that as long he has Kurt by his side, he can handle it.
"Promise me. Promise me that if you ever get that low again, you'll find me; you'll tell me so that I can help you. I can't handle losing you, Blaine – not now not ever. Not even when we're old and grey and can't even chew our food on our own. If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you," Kurt says.
"I promise, baby, I promise," Blaine replies. And then, as an afterthought, "Only you would quote Winnie the Pooh at me."
Kurt laughs, "Only you would catch it."
"I will always catch you," Blaine vows.
"And I will never let you fall," Kurt returns.