A/N: Love to reviewers and Countess Black.

'Creepy old man with a snake fetish' is a quote from TV Tropes.

This is SIH-verse. If you've not read that, you'll be lost.

Snape

Sirius

The author

A/N: Hey guys! It's been a while, so I thought I'd ask Snape and Sirius to talk about-

I was not asked.

A/N: Now, Professor-

I am compelled to assist in this, madam, but deceit is abhorrent to me.

A/N: Says the spymaster.

I needn't justify my ethical stance to you.

Snape, don't be an arse.

Oh, the dog has got an opinion. How surprising. Tell me, dog, what might I be doing differently?

You might try not being a cunt about things, for a start.

Why yes, who wouldn't trust the judgement of a man who routinely licks his own scrotum?

Which makes me the perfect one to talk about relationships.

Then why was I dragged into this enterprise?

Alexander has his Haephastion, Spartacus his Crixus, Arthur had Kai-

And I have a mangy dog. Oh, rapture. Surely, madam, you might simply put me out of my misery?

What misery, Snape?

I have to look at your face.

Women have killed for less.

In order not to have to listen to you talk. The loser is required to tolerate you.

Only until I acquaint her with my other charms.

How does one acquaint someone with a thing that doesn't exist?

I lower my trousers.

And cheer her by giving her a good laugh?

At least I've been close enough to a woman for her to get a look.

Your cousin had no complaints.

My cousin went to Azkaban for a creepy old man with a snake fetish.

Point.

Exactly. Speaking of which, good evening, ladies and gents. The first thing about relationships is-

Honestly, Black. If we're to do this thing, clearly I ought to take the lead.

Based on what? A handful of adolescent experiences with the world's scariest woman?

She's your cousin.

We're Purebloods. Had she been your cousin, it would have changed nothing.

Now that the audience is vomiting, perhaps I ought to get a word in edgewise?

Like that would stop them. If the idea of you and Trixie didn't do it, they're in for the long haul.

Bellatrix speaks very highly of you.

And I of her, but that doesn't change the fact she's quite a frightening woman.

I suppose.

Now, about relationships. The first thing is-

Tsk tsk, Black, taking all the spotlight again. Really, do share your toys.

Fine. What would you like to say about relationships?

Give me a moment, Black. I'd like to find some morsel of advice that would justify these people's time spent in your presence.

They love it. Don't you, darlings?

They are mostly young, and have never had to live with you. I assure you, when one rolls over on a dismembered garden gnome, his charms are rapidly outweighed by the many, many, many-

Amusing japes and hilarious observations-

-many, many attributes which makes you such an irritating pillock.

-which allow me such success with ladies.

Which is why you pay for it, no doubt.

Trickle-down economics.

You are the worst person I know simply for making that pun, the absolute worst.

You spend your days with the Dark Lord.

My remark is not altered even slightly by that fact.

You really think genocide, torture and so forth are better than mildly vulgar puns, Snape?

Apparently.

"Apparently?" You either do or you don't.

According to whom?

According to everybody.

Everybody like whom?

You and Trixie deserve one another.

Rodolphus might have some thoughts about that.

He's quite a nice bloke, really. Aside from his fondness for red hot pokers and whatnot.

Yes, typically that disqualifies one from niceness.

I suppose as long as one avoids certain topics, he's quite a good guest.

Rather a worse host, as nothing discourages him from those topics.

I wonder where Hermione got it from. She's a sweet kid.

Your mother, I shouldn't wonder.

Why, has Hermione started shrieking? I hope not. One of them is enough.

How filial.

You've met Walburga, Snape.

My ears are still bleeding.

You'll learn to love it.

Not if she's at all like yourself.

Please, my dashing good looks and razor wit add sparkle to your dull life.

The life of a spymaster is so pedestrian, sometimes I fear I shall die of boredom.

Not with me about.

No, you're driving me into a different sort of early grave.

One of adventure and excitement.

And disembowelled gnomes.

You're always urging me to expand my horizons, Snape.

Not in ways that involve piles of offal in my pillowcase.

That's as close as you're likely to get to having another creature in your bed.

This again?

It bears repeating.

You do have an unusually short memory.

We can't all spend our time brooding on our many grievances.

No, you spend it eating garbage.

It was just the once! And the chicken smelt fine. Not to mention, I was Salazar at the time.

Thirty galleons to get your stomach fixed. I ought to have had that healer neuter you. Perhaps you'd stop being such an arse.

This again?

Do not try to spar with me, Black. Your tiny Gryffindor mind will implode if introduced to the logic of my arguments.

You just don't want any competition from my enormous-

Remind me to beat you with a fireplace shovel.

Violence is never the answer, Snape.

Except when assaulting a werewolf, Black.

How many werewolves have you punched out, then?

You'd be surprised.

No, I wouldn't, because the answer is none.

As if you'd know.

I'd know.

Hmmph.

Anyway, loves, the thing about relationships is-

This is absurd.

Isn't.

I've got potions to brew.

Fine, go. And don't lock me out this time, you git! Accident my arse!

I hope you are all happy. We learnt nothing about relationships.

A/N: We didn't?