Otherwise known as Mass Effect 3 Ending Rage, the Fanfiction. I really don't know why I published this. I know why I wrote it, that's easy: this was pretty much, word-for-word, my reaction to the ending of Mass Effect 3. Bioware, you made two great games, the lead-up in ME3 was great and then, ARRGGHHH! You did this to your fans! Well, this is what I think of ME3's ending, suck on it! /Rage
Readers, please don't be offended by my idiocy, this is a crack fic. And Spoiler Alert below, FYI.
Mass Effect and Halo aren't mine, Mass Effect belongs to Bioware, and I'm not sure who owns the rights to the Halo franchise, but I know it ain't me. Please don't sue me.
"What the fuck are you saying?"
I stare at the glowing hologram of the young boy in front of me.
He smiles sadistically. "I'm saying that because Bioware is a piece of fucking shit and wants to go with a dark and depressing ending where you die, you'll have to sacrifice yourself to save the galaxy and kill the Reapers."
"I said no." My face contorts with fury and my voice starts shaking. "Fuck you, fuck Bioware, and fuck this whole fucking game! I'm taking the motherfucking third option!"
The hologram looks confused.
"What third option?"
In response I hold up my wrist. A blue, glowing hologram of a woman in a skin-tight jumpsuit appears, projected from my gauntlet. "Cortana, is it ready?"
"Yes, John." She smiles at me. "I'm using the Activation Index right now."
"What is going on?" The hologram demands of me, losing patience. Cortana's hologram winks out of existence as I turn to face the construct.
"You don't get it do you? One game only has a confirmed first name; the other only has a confirmed last name. Ugh, how can people be so stupid? I'll spell it out for you, and I'll use small words you poorly-constructed plot device." I spring to attention and snap off a salute. "Master Chief Petty Officer John Shepard, Sierra-117, at your service."
For once, I witness a dumbstruck AI. "Wha-wha- how does that even work? You can't be a SPARTAN, that's impossible!"
I grin. "Impossible is what I do best."
"Wait a second." The hologram looks horrified. "You're firing the Halo Array!" I nod. "The same one the Forerunners built?" Another nod. "The one that was designed to wipe out all life in the galaxy?"
"Ding-ding-ding! We have a winner, ladies and gentlemen!" I say sardonically.
"But-but- You'll kill everyone!" The hologram objects.
"Errt, sorry you lose. Buh-buy, loooosssserrr!" I say. It's quite fun taking out your frustration on this damn thing. "The only reason it wiped out the Forerunners is they were rushed and improperly calibrated the damn thing. They didn't trust AI's after Mendicant Bias went rouge and stopped using them. It's a shame, Cortana managed to re-adjust the target parameters in about three hours."
"Longest hours of my damn existence, Chief!" Cortana's voice blares from my external speakers. "Would you believe that those morons wiped themselves out because they forgot to carry a goddamned four? Ugh!"
"Oh relax," I try to soothe her. "I'll get EDI to give you a backrub, or something, later."
"You'd better." She grumbles. "Oh, and by the way the array will fire in one minute, just a heads-up."
The hologram merely gapes at me. "You-you-you... He stutters. You can't do this! This is a complete ass-pull! It isn't deep! It isn't dark! It isn't dramatic!"
"Fuck dark and dramatic." I growl, I'm getting really fucking pissed off at this shit. "You know what else is dark and dramatic? Real life. I fucking hate the shitiness and drama that comes with real life. Fuck that, that's why I play video games, to get away from all of it. I want a video game that has a nice, uplifting ending, where the hero wins. I said it before and I'll say it again. FUCK YOU! FUCK DRAMA! AND FUCK THE MOTHERFUCKING DARK ENDING TROPE!"
As I roar these last few words, a wave of blue-white energy flares throughout space, appearing so fast no one can tell were it came from, only that there is a flash of light, blinding in its intensity. All around the debris-strewn space surrounding the Citadel the Reaper dreadnoughts and destroyers suddenly stop, the lights on their hulls flickering, any fighters or missiles they launched veer off-course and sputter out. Then, one by one, the Reapers shriek, an unholy sound that seems to simultaneously grate on one's ears, and yet it is the sweetest music ever heard. Then, with a flash of light, each one explodes in a small fireball, like a miniature star.
This scene repeats itself all around the galaxy, waves of light flash through every corner of the galaxy, wiping out the Reaper forces. The beleaguered defenders blink in disbelief as they watch the invincible warships detonate, and then they let out a massive cheer. Shepard has done it! The Reapers have been vanquished!
I nod in satisfaction and turn back to the hologram that is seething with rage. "How-how could you! You broke the cycle! Synthetics will overrun the galaxy! There won't be any order! I will have order!"
"Shut up!" I bellow. "I am so sick of your bullshit! Look at the galaxy, the Geth didn't rise up against organics, organics attacked them first! Cortana didn't go genocidal, and neither did EDI! Hell! The only reason AIs go evil is because people assume that they will and automatically persecute them! They aren't inherently evil, where the fuck did you get that idea from, a bad 1980's Sci-fi film! And what the fuck man? 'I will have order', what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I snap my fingers as something in my mind clicks. "Oh, I get it, I get it. Somebody here is a virgin!"
The hologram stares and mouths, at a complete loss for words. I laugh my fucking ass off.
"Hahahahaha, no wonder you're so cranky, you never got any!" I try to control myself, but every time I see its thunderstruck face, I burst into fresh peals of laughter. Finally, with stitches in my sides and tears in my eyes I manage to get myself under control. "Ah, kid, thanks for the laughs, but I gotta go. I'm a big goddamned hero now, and I wouldn't want to be late for my victory party! And after that, I think I'll go bang my smokin'-hot, blue-skinned, space-babe of a girlfriend."
I turn and walk out of the room, leaving the hologram standing there, sputtering in impotent (heh) rage.
What follows is the single largest party the galaxy has ever seen. Once survivors and life-boats from the various ground and space battles are saved, the music and alcohol appears almost out of nowhere, as every species in the galaxy puts aside what few issues they have left with each other, and get riotously, uproariously drunk. The music blaring from every world could almost be heard in the vacuum of space, it was so loud. On every planet, Turians, Humans, Quarians, Asari, Salarians, Drell, and every species in between got absolutely shit-faced drunk.
"WOOOOO-HOOOOO!" I shout, swinging from the chandelier in a five-star hotel on the Citadel. "YEEAAAHH! Everyone drink 'till you can't feel things!" I lose my grip and fall, landing flat on my ass on a dining table, which breaks under the strain, no one seems to mind, they're too busy partying like they'd never get another chance. Garrus walks up to me, unsteadily.
"Here he *hic* is." He says with a slurred voice. "Commander Shepard, savior of the Normandy and Captain of the Galaxy, or something like that. He puts his arms around the two women standing next to him. "I was just telling these lovely ladies how great it was to serve with you on the Normandy."
I manage to stand, unsteadily, and glance at the women with him, one is an Asari that I don't recognize, and the other is a human woman with short, red hair. "Garrus!" I say, lurching forward and hugging him. "I never could have done it without you." I'm really hammered at this point and I don't really care about anything. "I love you man, I really do."
"Shepard," a female voice calls out from behind me. I feel a pair of small, cool hands place themselves on my back. "I think you've had quite enough."
I turn; releasing Garrus from the awkward hug, and see Liara standing there. She's wearing a tiny black dress that's tight enough to accentuate her curves in all the right places.
"I don't think I've had quite enough yet!" I declare, and I grab her by the hand, tugging her through the crowd, to her embarrassed amusement. "So long folks!" I shout, walking through the door to the hotel ballroom. "And remember, if you see the Normandy a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'!"
I sweep Liara off her feet and carry her to my ship.
The galaxy-wide party lasted for a whopping three weeks before the last pockets of revelry finally burned themselves out. Based on eyewitness accounts, Commander Shepard and Liara entered the Normandy, and weren't seen again for a month afterwards. Following the party came the daunting task of cleaning up the galaxy, and repairing the damage done by the Reapers. This was placed on top of the fact that nine months after the conclusion of the party the birthrate of practically ever species in the galaxy exploded. However, the galactic leaders managed to pool their resources, and several years later one could hardly tell that there had been a galaxy-wide war at all.
Commander Shepard returned to Earth with Liara after the party, where the Alliance gave him practically every medal they could think of. Eventually he was promoted to Admiral, and was assigned with his newly-wed wife to protect and study the Halo rings. John and Liara Shepard had seven children, all of whom eventually entered military or civil service.
The galactic government abandoned the Citadel as the capital of the Galactic Council, and instead moved to one of the secured Halo installations, after it had been cleansed of the remaining Flood. The Sangheili, Unggoy, Kig-Yar, Yanme'e, Mgalekgolo, and Huragok, who had all cut themselves off from the rest of the galaxy after the Great Schism, came out of their self-imposed isolation. The Reapers had ignored them because they returned to their homeworlds and destroyed all of the spacefaring technology the San'Shyuum had given them, preferring to find their own paths instead of using the Covenant's leftover technology. It was discovered that the San'Shyuum and Jiralhanae had managed to wipe themselves out after being forcibly confined to their homeworlds. The former Covenant species shared their advances in technology in return for seats on the Council of Species, the new ruling body in the Galaxy.
The Mass Relays and element-zero core star drives were gradually phased out of use, as the Sangheili had perfected a form of the Shaw-Fujikawa Slipspace drive that was faster than Eezo FTL. They discontinued use of the Mass Relays and deactivated them, believing that they were too dangerous to continue being used. The portal in Africa was excavated again, and a scout team sent through to the Ark. It was discovered that the Ark hadn't taken much damage when the replacement Halo fired. It merely damaged a portion of it. The galactic forces stationed troops there, and eventually found a few Reapers lurking in Dark Space that were apparently supposed to act as a second wave. The combined forces, under the command of Admiral Shepard, slaughtered them in their sleep. Several of the commanders are reported to have laughed maniacally while they gave the orders to fire.
Admiral Shepard lived a very long and happy life until he fell victim to old age. He passed away at three hundred and seven years old, surrounded by his family, friends, and former squad-mates. After giving his love to his family and bidding farewell to his teammates, he uttered one last sentence, which proved baffling to all who were with him.
"I win, Bioware, I fucking win."