Cancer. It's a horrible illness that destroys a person on the inside and out. It affects millions of people every day. I, James Diamond, am one those people. I just don't understand how I ended up like this. One day, I was healthy and happy, I had amazing hair, I was doing concerts with my best friends, and living a normal life. Then my life changed. When the guys and I went on our first tour, I noticed that I didn't feel as good as I normally do. I felt tired and I started having fevers, night sweats, and I even got dizzy and fainted onstage once. I thought I was just coming down with the flu. However, I got a different diagnosis. One night, I got really sick. I was throwing up and my nose was bleeding, so we stopped by a nearby hospital. Several tests were given and hours later, we were told that I had Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia.
I hate it. I hate it so much. Right now, I'm laying in a hospital bed, getting my usual chemo treatment. I hate that, too. I'm so tired, I feel nauseous, my bones and joints hurt, I've lost my hair, and I'm in a horrible mood. I know it seems like I'm just complaining, but cancer is a tough thing to deal with. I spend every day wondering if it's gonna be my last. I'm eighteen years old. I don't wanna leave my family and friends yet. I haven't even completed my list of things to do before I'm 20. I'm scared and I feel so lonely. Yeah, I have my loved ones, but they don't know what it's like. They're supporting me and I love that, but they're not the ones with cancer.
Tears fill my eyes and I roll onto my left side, pulling the covers over my tired body. Am I a terrible person for being so angry? I feel like it. I mean, I may be sick and tired, but I hate being so cranky all the time. Why haven't they said anything about it? Whenever I snap at them or yell at the time, they stay with me. I don't understand. I'm angry all the time and I'm not always very nice to them. I mean, I'm not a total jerk, but I know I'm not very pleasant to be around sometimes. I wanna apologize to them, but I feel too sick.
I start to fall asleep just as the door to my room opens. I hear footsteps, then I feel someone's hand on my shoulder. I sigh softly, snuggling into the pillows. The hand gently rubs my shoulder and I find it very relaxing. I've always found shoulder rubs comforting when I'm sick, tired, and/or stressed. Right now, I'm all three of those things. I want to see who the person is, but I'm too tired to move.
Mom? She moved to LA after I was diagnosed, but I thought she was doing some work for her cosmetics company. I keep telling her to stop worrying about him and start doing something to make herself happy, but she is determined to put me before herself. I love that she cares and I love that we're spending more time together, but I want her to live her life. She won't admit it, but she's afraid that I'm not gonna make it. What if I do make it? I have my doubts about my chances of survival, but I don't want my loved ones to act like they're expecting me to die. I can't stand when people talk about death because it reminds me of my situation. I'm fighting for survival. I hope it's a fight that i'll win.
"Mmm, mama?" I murmur softly.
"I'm here, baby." Mom whispers, kissing my cheek.
"I feel sick."I whisper, cringing.
"Do you feel like you're gonna throw up?" Mom asks worriedly.
I nod and take slow, deep breaths as she helps me sit up. She sits a basin in front of me and I empty the contents of my stomach. When I'm finally finished, Mom helps me lay back down, then takes the basin to the restroom. While she does that, I roll back onto my side and burst into quiet sobs. How did this happen to me? Why did this happen to me? Am I a bad person? I don't recall doing anything bad. Yeah, I'm a little self centered and I date a lot of girls (And dump them), but I don't think I deserve to have cancer.
"Honey? Hey, what's wrong?" Mom whispers gently, sitting on the bed. I bury my face in the pillow and continue sobbing as Mom lays next to me, wrapping her arm around me. I'm so glad my back is facing her because I don't want her to actually see me with tears on my face.
"James," She says, rubbing my thin bicep. "Please talk to me."
I gasp and keep my face buried in the pillow. I can't let anyone else know that I've been crying. I've gotta stay strong, right? I'm more likely to survive if I stay strong. You know, mentally. Physically, I'm a mess, but I can try to have positive thoughts. It's just so hard sometimes. I'm terrified, even though I hate to admit it. Everyone knows it, but I can never bring myself to admit it.
"How's he doing?" Kendall asks quietly.
"I don't know." Mom says, hugging me close to her. "Because he won't tell me."
"I'm fine." I whisper tiredly. I let out a weak whimper as I roll onto my week, giving my friends a tired smile.
"Jay, don't lie." Carlos warns me.
"Okay," I sigh. "I'm not fine. In fact, I feel awful."
"We know, buddy." Logan says sadly.
"But it's gonna get better, right?" Carlos asks softly. I smile again, laughing softly. I love Carlos's positive attitude. With Carlos, the glass is always half full. I always feel better when I'm with my friends. Maybe not perfect, but better. They aren't just my best friends. They're my brothers. They're practically family. They are always there no matter what. Through everything that I've ever been through in my life (my parents divorce, my cancer), they've always been there, supporting me through every minute of it.
"The doctor said my chances are looking better every day." I grin. "I mean, I don't look great on the outside, but he seems to think that I'm gonna make it."
"But you don't believe that, do you?" Carlos murmurs.
"What? Of course I do, buddy." I say gently.
"Then why do you always seem so upset?" Carlos asks tearfully. "I mean, sometimes you feel so bad and you snap at people. You're either angry or on the verge of a breakdown. You're scaring us, Jay."
"I know." I tell him, feeling saddened by his dejected tone. "But I'm gonna be fine, okay? I promise. Once I beat this, we're gonna continue with the band, we're gonna go to an amusement park..."
"Fun Land?" Carlos asks hopefully.
"Yes, Carlos, Fun Land." I chuckle. "Anyway, we're gonna play lobby hockey, go swimming, play hilarious pranks on Bitters, and all that fun stuff we use to do."
"Um," I say anxiously. "Yeah...Yeah, I promise."
I don't wanna lie to him. The truth is, I don't know. I don't know if I'm gonna make it through this. Sometimes I feel like I might go any day now, but I always end up making it. I wish I knew for sure what's gonna happen to me. All I want is to survive, but there are no guarantees. My doctor seems positive about it, but he could be wrong.
"Okay." Kendall smiles, gently patting my shoulder. "By the way, pretty boy, you don't look that bad."
"Don't lie to me, Knight." I chuckle softly.
"Dude, I'm not lying."
"Really." Kendall promises.
"Oh, I'll leave you boys alone." Mom says, kissing my forehead before leaving the room.
"So you really think I'll be okay." I tell my friends.
"Yeah," Logan nods. "We do."
Five months later, I find out that I'm in remission. After more than a year long fight with leukemia, I am cured. Slowly but surely, my life is starting to become normal again. I'm starting to get my muscles back, my hair is growing back, and my charming personality is starting to return. The fight was scary, but now everything is getting better. Even after going into remission, I've still been pretty tired, but guess what I'm doing today. I am gonna join my friends for some lobby hockey. They keep saying that they'll go easy on me, but I don't want them to do. Really want my normality back, remember? I no longer want people acting like I'm gonna break at every touch.
"You sure you wanna do this?" Kendall asks, watching as Logan and Carlos argue over who gets the first shot. I rub back back of my neck, my fingers touching my short brown hair. This is how things should be. Not Carlos and Logan fighting, but all four of us together, enjoying life again. When I was battling my illness, our lives were put on hold, but now I can focus on putting my life back together. So far, things are looking pretty good.
"Hey, I'll be fine." I say before walking over to Carlos and Logan. Carlos currently has Logan in a headlock, so I carefully pull them apart. When they notice me, they don't bother continuing their fight. Sometimes their arguments are funny, but sometimes it's just stupid. Honestly, who really cares who goes first? I'm finally enjoying a fun game with my best friends.
"Guys, cool it." I grin before standing next to Kendall. Logan stands in front of the goal, while Carlos and I face each other. "Ready, Carlitos?"
"So ready." Carlos smirks. He hits the puck and Kendal hits it in my direction. I run after it and I hit toward the goal. Logan tries to stop it, but the pick shoots past him and into the goal. I high five Kendall and I suddenly find myself being dragged into a hug. Carlos and Logan immediately join in, holding onto me. I fought a long and hard battle, but now it's over. I'm finally me again.
I really hope this was good:) I tried to think about the feelings associated with leukemia and how the patient feels, but I don't know a whole lot about it
However, I hope that you all liked it:)