Hello. This was a very unexpected one-shot, but I was inspired by the picture Grant tweeted about his new tattoo! This is something I've always had in mind about Sebastian when thinking about why he is the way he is, and I finally had a reason to write it! :)
"Hello there, worker bee. How's that studying coming along? Your little boyfriend not want to spend hours ogling you while you study at the Lima Bean?"
Kurt was startled when he heard a familiar, yet very unwelcome voice from above. He reluctantly tore his eyes away from his notebook and almost didn't recognize the tall figure standing beside his table. His usual Dalton uniform had been replaced by a pair of nice fitting jeans and a light jacket with the sleeves pushed halfway up his forearm. Kurt quickly looked him up and down before realizing just how attractive he really ways; if you took away his cocky attitude and his inability to show the slightest sense of kindness towards another human being that is.
"What do you want, Sebastian? I have a test on Friday and I need to study for it tonight if I plan on going out with Blaine tomorrow." Kurt turned back to his work and copied a definition out of his history book.
"What? Can't wait until the weekend to play with your boy toy?"
Kurt ignored the sarcasm in his voice. "It's our one year anniversary and he made us a reservation at a restaurant in Columbus."
"Isn't that kind of far away? And in a not-so-safe neighborhood?"
"Blaine won't let anything happen to either one of us. Besides, why do you care? You're the one who put him in the hospital with an eye injury."
Sebastian pulled out the one other chair at the table and sat down across from Kurt, setting his coffee in front of him.
"Can I talk to you?" When Kurt didn't make any further effort to acknowledge his presence, he continued. "Blaine told me about the Sadie Hawkins dance; how he got beat up and was in the hospital himself."
Kurt stopped writing mid-word and cautiously looked up at Sebastian. He knew for a fact that Blaine didn't share that part of his past with many people, and Sebastian was the last person Kurt thought he would tell. "H-how… when did he tell you that?"
"Look, you're lucky to have him, okay? I'm sorry for all of the trouble I caused you in the beginning, but it's just who I am. I get what I want and I get it when I want it. But I'm backing off for good. The competition is over. You can have Blaine."
"I didn't know this was ever a competition. Blaine's always been mine."
Sebastian didn't say a word. Instead, he reached forward to grab his cup and take a sip. As he sat it back down, Kurt noticed the sleeve of his jacket ride up a few more inches, revealing a few black letters etched into his skin. After following Kurt's glare, Sebastian quickly jerked his arm back and pulled down the sleeves before clearing his throat. "Anyway, I just thought I would talk to you for a few minutes."
Kurt ignored him. He was still thinking about the image on his mind; the one of Sebastian's arm and how quick he was to hide whatever was on it. "You have a tattoo." It wasn't a question. He wasn't going to let Sebastian avoid the subject, not after how much trouble he'd caused. Sebastian owed him a little ounce of truth for once.
Kurt noticed the nerves in Sebastian's voice and how his egotistical attitude had vanished. Instead, he was left with a boy not much different from himself. He was quiet and Kurt picked up on his reluctance to say much, leading to the assumption there was more to the story than Sebastian was willing to tell. "It doesn't look like nothing." Kurt held out his hand, palm up. "May I see it?"
Sebastian glanced between Kurt's hand and his arm, but didn't budge. Kurt didn't rush him, but kept his hand extended across his books for a few minutes until Sebastian was ready. He kept his eyes on Sebastian and watched as his gaze wandered across the table. The Sebastian sitting in front of him wasn't the same Sebastian he'd met at the Lima Bean so many months earlier. It wasn't the same Sebastian who tried to steal Blaine away or blind them both. The Sebastian sitting before him was one that he felt he could empathize with. Kurt could tell he'd put up so many walls, and the asshole façade was only a way to guard himself from something; Kurt just wasn't sure what that something was.
When Kurt felt him place his hand in his, he reached up with his free hand to push Sebastian's sleeve aside, revealing a tattoo no more than a couple inches in diameter. Permanently marked into his skin were the were the words "all else" written underneath the word "love." Kurt looked up at him and asked for clarification, not through words, but by the expression on his face.
"Love above all else," Sebastian said simply. Kurt could feel him flinch as Kurt's hand grazed over the little black letters.
"Why this? I mean, what made you get this tattoo?"
Sebastian didn't know why he was doing it, but before he had the chance to stop himself, he replied. "Blaine got lucky at that dance. No, being beat up isn't a good thing, but the outcome was. He made it out okay. He's alive and healthy and because of that, he was able to find you." Sebastian paused and took a deep breath. Kurt thought he could see a few tears glistening in the corner of his eyes, but convinced himself it was just the lighting. "Anthony wasn't that lucky."
Kurt immediately clutched his finger s around Sebastian's hand without thinking about what he was doing. He wasn't prepared for what Sebastian was saying. He was used to the man who didn't seem to have a care in the world or possess any real feelings at all. The Sebastian in front of him was one who was vulnerable. He was emotional and more open than Kurt had ever seen him.
"Anthony… he was my boyfriend. Can you believe that? Even asshole Sebastian was in love." He laughed, but his face showed no sign of joy or contentment. "He went to a dance with me a year ago. We were having a great time until these two guys walked up to us and broke us apart. They weren't physically abusing us, but their words still hurt. They told us we couldn't be there. That we had to leave. I know we should've stood up for ourselves, but we didn't. Instead, we called our parents and asked them to pick us up early. My mom got there before his dad did, and I wanted to stay. I was going to stay, but he insisted I leave and get away from the dance." His voice cracked on the last word and he buried his face in his hands. Kurt knew he was crying, but he didn't know how to help. He rubbed at Sebastian's arm until he'd calmed down enough to continue. "The two guys, they attacked him just two minutes after I'd left. If I'd just waited around for two more minutes, none of it would've happened. They wouldn't have shoved his head into the ground and kicked him as hard as they could. They wouldn't have pulled out their knife and sliced him open so he could just lay there and bleed to death as he died. They punched his head into the ground so hard he went unconscious and they started repeatedly kicking him in the chest. His lungs collapsed and he stopped breathing. By the time his dad got there, it was too late. It's all my fault. He didn't even want to go to the dance. He did it for me. He's dead because of me." He started sobbing into his hands again and this time Kurt scooted his chair closer to pull Sebastian against him.
"It's not your fault," Kurt tried assuring him. "Those guys are idiots who don't deserve to be alive. It's not your fault. All you did was love him."
"It is. It is my fault." He repeated.
Kurt shushed him and pulled him close, allowing Sebastian's tears to seep through his shirt. After a few minutes, Sebastian pulled away and wiped the tears away from his eyes.
"So, your tattoo is for him?"
Sebastian focused on his right arm and stared at the constant reminder of the love he'd once had. "When I feel like I can't do it anymore, like I have nothing left, I look at it. Love is better than all of the pain and the hatred I feel for myself or for those guys. I know I seem like a bad person, but it's all just an act. It's a way of guarding myself. I… I've shut everyone out since he died. No matter whom it was or what they said or how they acted, I never let them close enough to see what's underneath it all. I guess maybe it's my way of not getting hurt again and not having to let him go."
"Just because you let someone else in, it doesn't mean you're replacing Anthony. I know what it's like to lose someone." When Sebastian looked up at him with curiosity, he clarified. "My mom died when I was younger. She was everything to me, but I have Carole now. Carole will never replace my mom. My mom will always have a special place in my heart, but Carole is here now. She means a lot to me as well. She's the closest thing I'll ever get to having my mom back."
"What if I start to forget him." Sebastian sounded so defeated and it broke Kurt's heart to watch him go through the pain and heartbreak of losing someone he loved. Kurt couldn't even imagine what he would do if something were to ever happen to Blaine.
"You won't. And do you want to know why?" Sebastian looked up again. "Because the right man won't let you. Carole loves my dad and my dad loves Carole, but that doesn't mean he can't still love my mom. Carole understands that. While Carole is my dad's present and future, my mom was a large part of his past. She goes to visit my mom's grave with us. She uses my mom's old recipes and she's always happy to learn more about her. Carole doesn't try to replace my mom or make us forget about her. She does the opposite. She does everything she can to keep those memories alive. One day, you'll find a guy who you can trust and open up to. You'll tell that man about your past and he'll be there when you need a shoulder to cry on. The perfect man isn't going to be jealous of what you had, but rather he'll be lucky he found someone as great as you."
"Why are you doing this? After all I've put you through, why are you being kind to me?"
Kurt shrugged. "Like I said. I know what it's like to lose someone you love. I know about the pain that comes with it and it's not always easy to deal with that pain. Some people shut themselves off completely; some people like myself turn to music and immerse themselves in their schoolwork to deal with the pain; and others, like yourself, try to inflict that pain on someone else, even if they don't really want to."
They sat in silence for a few minutes as Sebastian let Kurt's words sink in. Kurt kept an eye on him, but wrote down a few more definitions while giving him the time and space needed.
"Can I talk to you about something?"
Kurt sat down his pen and turned his full attention back to Sebastian. "Of course."
Sebastian bit at his lip a bit and Kurt noticed his cheeks start to redden a bit. "The reason I was so horrible to Dave was because out of everyone I've ever met, he was the one who reminded me the most of Anthony. Not the way he looked or even the way he acted, but they have similar personalities. The minute I met him, I shut myself off completely. I was afraid that if I started talking to him, he wouldn't be someone I could ignore."
"So, are you trying to say you would've wanted to pursue a relationship with him?" Kurt began to smile at Sebastian's confession.
"Do you think he'd be interested?"
Kurt pulled out his phone and scribbled a number on a piece of paper and handed it over to Sebastian. "Why don't you ask him yourself."
"Do you think he'd say yes? After how I treated him?"
"Why don't you guys start out as friends. That's what Blaine and I did. We confided in each other. I felt comfortable telling him about my past and in return, he told me all about his. Look where that led us. I'm about to celebrate my one year anniversary with the man I'm head over heels for. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but let him know that you aren't the same person who made him feel so worthless and unwanted. If I can see a change in you, he will too. Just give him time to do so."
"Thank you, Kurt." Sebastian slipped the piece of paper in his pocket and stood up. "Does this mean we're kind of friends?"
Kurt grinned. "Yeah. I guess this makes us friends."
Sebastian gave him a warm smile before walking away. Kurt spent a few minutes recalling their previous conversation before turning back to his books. He was sure that by this time next year, Sebastian would be just as happy as he was.
So, like I said, this is something I've always had in mind. Maybe not so much Sebastian being in a past relationship that ended so tragically, but having a hard time with relationships because he hasn't had anyone recently who has shown they care about him.
Anyway, I actually really like Sebastian and I enjoyed writing the more vulnerable side of him.