A/N: This started as a random idea I wanted to get out of my system but it turned into a full on story which I shall now post!
It's six chapters long and they're nearly all shorter than the 2.5k words I normallu aim for but you know, deal with it :o
Chapter 1 – Busted
Torchwood was having an extremely slow day. Captain Jack Harkness was in his office pretending to fill out some paperwork, when all he was really doing was waiting for the phone to ring. He wanted something to investigate and recently the aliens seemed to be taking a break from invading.
He sighed, leaning back in his seat. He checked his phone. He had no texts. Then he checked his email. No email. Then his phone again. Nothing.
Five seconds passed. He checked his phone again.
Then thankfully, suddenly he heard something from below, a weird kind of groaning, churning... It was the TARDIS!
In a flash he was out the door and down the steps, arriving just in time to see the TARDIS door burst open and the Doctor and Donna tumble out in a billow of smoke, coughing and choking. The second they were out the door slammed closed and there was a resounding click!
"What..." Jack began, looking at the Doctor and Donna coughing in front of him.
"What the bloody hell did you do that for?" Donna coughed out.
"Sorry," the Doctor croaked between coughs. "Emergency landing."
"Something wrong with the TARDIS?" Jack wondered, staring at them both as they came to the end of their coughing fit.
"Thought I'd take a shortcut through an electromagnetic storm," the Doctor began, rubbing his chest. "Then everything started going a bit bonkers so I emergency landed and she gave us a nudge out."
"A nudge?" Donna repeated cynically. "Last time I was forced out of a place that quick I was drunk in a Bingo hall."
"Well, okay then," the Doctor conceded. "More of a... err... shove. She must've damaged her systems..." He moved to the TARDIS door to test. It didn't open. He tried the key, but that didn't work either.
"She's locked herself," the Doctor summarised, caressing the wooden exterior gently.
"What? What does that mean? Can't we get in?" Donna asked after she'd managed to finish coughing.
"It means she's completely busted."
Donna looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "... Busted."
The Doctor shrugged, sniffing. "That's the technical term, I think. She got a bit damaged in that electromagnetic storm, she's deadlocked herself so she can heal herself in peace."
"How long until she's healed?" Donna wondered. "Couple of hours? A day?"
"Err..." The Doctor's brow furrowed as he sucked in a long, deep breath, looking as though he might be thinking about it when really he was just trying to bring himself to say it. "...A week?"
"A week?" Donna shrieked in complete disbelief.
"Two weeks?" the Doctor muttered.
"Two weeks?" she roared in his face.
"Three?" he squeaked.
"Three bloody weeks? What the hell we gonna do? Where are we gonna sleep?"
The Doctor scratched the back of his head, pulling a face. "Err..."
"Well..." began a voice from beside them, completely forgotten in the moment. "There is one option."
"Of course!" Donna realised. "Torchwood! Have you lot got a bath?"
"Actually," Jack began. "There's no room, here. Torchwood's err... not really a hotel. But!" he started again just as Donna opened her mouth. "I could easily get you guys a house in Cardiff for a while until the TARDIS heals."
The Doctor and Donna looked at each other.
"An actual house?" the Doctor reiterated. "With doors and carpets and a boiler and a catflap?"
"Yeah, one of those," Jack replied, laughing.
"Oh, stop complaining, time boy," Donna said with a sigh. "I'm not gonna live with you if all you're gonna do is moan, moan, moan."
The Doctor sighed a very lengthy sigh indeed.
They had the number thirteen house on a place called Woodcutter Road in Cardiff. Jack had driven them there, dropping them off outside and giving them the key. He had then reminded them seriously that the family who owned the house were on holiday to return in three weeks and if they even cracked a plate they would have to replace it themselves, and left.
The Doctor was now standing in the bathroom doorway, leaning on the side with his arms folded and blowing out a long breathy sigh.
"This is the bath," Donna was saying, pointing at the bath. "These little handles are called the taps. Taps give us water. This one's hot, and this one's cold..."
"Finished?" the Doctor wondered seriously.
"And this little thing," she held up the plug. "It's called a plug. You put it in this hole if you wanna have a bath." She pointed to the hole.
"Donna..." the Doctor began, but was again ignored.
"Now, this is a toilet," Donna continued regardless. "I dunno if you use one of these being an alien and all that, but this is where you do your business. Then you wipe your arse with this loo roll here, then you pull this handle and it flushes it away..."
"Donna!" the Doctor said loudly, and finally she decided to pay attention to him. "I know how to use a bathroom, all right?"
"I'm just house-training you, time boy," Donna told him seriously with a patronising smile.
The Doctor sighed, throwing up his hands and skipping two-at-a-time down the stairs without a word. Donna laughed a little to herself and made after him down into the living room.
"Wanna order in?" she wondered as he dropped onto the sofa, arms and legs splayed.
"What's an... order in?" the Doctor queried.
"Yeah, you know, order in," Donna told him. "You know... like chinese."
"You've never had chinese?"
"Err... Do you like chicken?"
"What kind of rice?"
"... Ricey... kinda... rice."
"What does that mean?"
"There are loads of types of white rice, Donna..."
"Okay, okay, do you like ribs?"
The Doctor frowned at that. "What, you mean bone? Rib bone? Humans eat bone?"
Donna sighed despairingly. "Oh for god's sake. How about pizza, then? You ever eaten pizza?"
"Of course," the Doctor replied indignantly. "Yeah, let's have pizza. Get two ham and pineapple."
"One each?" Donna asked seriously. "I can't manage a whole pizza."
"I meant two for me," the Doctor replied seriously.
Donna stared at him, considering his bony form. "How the hell are you so thin?" she asked seriously, then went back out the door to get the phone.
The Doctor sighed, leaning back on the sofa. He wondered what he was supposed to do now.
"Turn on the TV already!" Donna yelled from the hallway, and the Doctor jumped to attention, considering the television in the corner for a moment before getting up and moving over to it, staring at the buttons. He hefted his bets on the big button and pressed it, and suddenly a red light came on the TV. He frowned a little, picking up a remote and hammering a few buttons. It didn't do anything.
"Turn on. On. Command, on," the Doctor tried, but nothing happened. "Power. I authorise power. On. On. On!"
"What the hell are you doing?" came a voice from the doorway and the Doctor looked up to see Donna there, the phone pressed against her ear.
"It's not working," the Doctor told her.
"It's on standby, you moron," Donna told him, reaching for a remote on the table she was standing next to and pressing the button. The TV suddenly sparked into life to show the six o'clock news.
"Oh," the Doctor muttered, looking at the remote in his hand.
"Use that one to change channels," she told him, sighing again. "God, these three weeks are gonna be bloody long," she muttered, then turned her attentions to the phone. "Yes, hello, I'd like two medium Hawaiians and a medium Supreme please..."
The Doctor did seriously wonder for a moment why exactly she was ordering two people from the northernmost island group of Polynesia in an archipelago in the central Pacific Ocean before he realised that was probably the name of the pizza. So he got up and went back to the sofa, flicking through the channels until he found something called, 'Come Dine With Me'.
"On their way," Donna's voice suddenly said, walking back into the room and catching what was on TV. "Oooh, I love this show!"
The Doctor put the remote down as Donna sat on the sofa beside him, grabbing the remote and turning up the volume. Then she drew back, and stared at the TV.
He looked at the TV, then back at Donna.
Silent seconds passed.
"Donna," he began.
"What do we do now?" he asked seriously.
"Watch TV," she told him.
"... Just sit and stare?" he asked.
The Doctor looked back at the TV, and stared at it...
"Come on, Angie, your guests have been waiting for thirty minutes!"
He looked back at Donna. "Donna, I'm bored."
She sighed heavily, leaning forward to the table and taking the newspaper, shoving it into his hands. "There. Now shut up, I'm watching this."
He speed-read through the newspaper from front to back in five seconds. Then he got to the puzzle section, penning in every answer in about forty-five seconds. Then he folded the paper and gave it back to Donna.
"Done. Bored again," he told her.
She sighed, looking at him, then looking away. "Go and make some tea."
"Okay!" the Doctor replied, jumping off of the sofa and running to the kitchen. In two minutes he was back, giving her a flowery mug and dropping back on the sofa. Then he drank down the tea in four gulps, then set it down on the side.
He looked back at the TV. Then at Donna again.
"Go and run around the garden a hundred times," she ordered him.
He went to laugh at that, but then realised she was serious. "What?"
"Run around the garden!" Donna yelled without moving her eyes from the TV. The Doctor quickly got up and ran over to the back door, struggling with the lock for a moment before whipping out the sonic and pulling it open, closing it behind him and started running around the garden.
Donna sighed contentedly, curling up on the sofa and sipping at her tea for ten minutes. Then the back-door opened again and the Doctor ran back in.
"No!" Donna said loudly, still staring at the TV. "You only did 50, I was watching you. Go and do 100 all over again."
"Donna!" the Doctor protested. "I definitely did..."
"Go and do 100!" Donna yelled at him, and in a flash he was back out the door again.
Come Dine With Me ended just as the Doctor got back in, this time slightly out of breath. Then the doorbell went.
"I'll get it!" he yelled and ran off to the front door.
It had been an extremely long night. Donna had had to constantly order the Doctor things to do. She'd finally managed to get him settled down by giving him task of completely taking apart the DVD player and reassembling it. By the time he was done it was half 11, and Donna conceded to bed. She had bagsied the room with the double bed of course, leaving the Doctor with the single room. She didn't expect him to use it.
And she was right. At 4am she awoke suddenly to a loud crash somewhere in the house. She sat up in shock, blinking erratically.
"Doctor?" she yelled.
"Yeah?" came the shout back.
"Did you just break something?"
"... No!" the Doctor's voice came back after a moment.
"Are you sure?"
Donna knew he was lying, but she was too tired to care at the moment. She'd yell at him in the morning.
She turned over and snuggled up under the duvet, closing her eyes again.
Meanwhile in the kitchen, the Doctor was standing in front of the collapsed cupboard and the smashed worktop, wondering just how in the universe he was going to fix this before Donna woke up.
"Good morning!" the Doctor greeted Donna as she appeared in the hallway at 10 o'clock in a morning daze. "D'you want an omelette?"
Donna stopped halfway through a yawn, staring at him with a slight frown. He was standing there at the cooker with a sizzling saucepan, with eggs and cheese on the side and a spatula in his hand.
She blinked. "You... You know how to make an omelette?"
The Doctor shrugged with a sniff. "I've picked up a few things."
Donna shrugged this off, and nodded. "Yeah, I'll have an omelette... what did I hear breaking last night?"
"Breaking?" the Doctor echoed. "You must've dreamt it."
"No, I definitely... Hold on!" The Doctor winced as he realised she'd found the kitchen worktop. "What's this crack? Was that there before?" she demanded to know.
"Yes, it was," the Doctor lied.
"And this cupboard... What's wrong with the door?"
"Nothing!" he insisted.
Donna stared at him with piercing eyes.
"Okay, okay," he caved. "The cupboard door was squeaking so I thought I'd sort it out, but the sonic was on the wrong setting and the door came off which nearly hit me, and I grabbed for the cupboard to stop myself falling over which came down with me and landed on the worktop... Cracking it in half."
"Oh, bloody hell," Donna muttered, hand on her forehead.
"But I fixed it! See? Good as new!" he said and knocked on the wood to demonstrate, just as the cupboard shifted on the wall and suddenly collapsed, narrowly missing Donna but landing directly on the Doctor's head who yelped and disappeared under a tide of plywood and packets of food.
Donna shrieked and helped the slightly dazed and covered with crisps Doctor out of the carnage, steadying him on his feet. Then the fire alarm started going off and Donna realised with absolute horror the saucepan with the omelette in was now on fire. She quickly put it out with a towel and calmed herself down, staring at the Doctor standing there in the pile of plywood with vacant eyes looking around the room, hand on his head.
"Okay, just... don't try and fix squeaks or cook breakfast!" Donna told him seriously. The Doctor hummed in a vague notion of agreement before stepping back out into the hall, and quite casually he collapsed backwards onto the carpet in a dead faint.