Digital Green

Author's Notes: I think Fruits Basket hits me hard because I can't imagine not being able to hold one I love, be it my child, friend, lover, whatever. The concept boggles the heck out of me and I guess that's where this fic stems from. I haven't really caught up on the manga but I'm told this fic shouldn't contradict anything shown in it so far. There will/may be rampant spoilers from the entire anime so watch yourself. I'd hate to ruin anything from this series for you. It's a bit down the road from where the anime stops, and for the record I better say it's an AU fic since I don't want to deal with Akito and the fact that he may never allow this. Just assume he did or something for some oddball reason. And oh yeah, mature audiences only, please? Enjoy it, and critique it with all honesty.

Part One:

The digital green light on the alarm clock told Kyou that it was 1:27a.m. His red eyes traced back up to the ceiling as he tried not to move the rest of his body. Kagura was curled up at his side, sound asleep, making his chest above his heart her pillow yet again. One of her arms draped across the blanket above his bare torso, hand lightly clenching the blanket. One of his arms held her close and the other rested behind his own head. He had grown accustomed to sleeping like this in the past few weeks and had learned to quit griping over waking up with a sore, sleeping shoulder after the fact.

In fact, Kyou was learning to get used to quite a few changes. Three weeks and some odd days of marriage had taught him so much that there was no way he couldn't change. Of course, he had stood his ground on a few things and forced Kagura to change her ways, too. Shigure had tried to tell them they'd have to meet in the middle to make things work in the long run, but both were stubborn and didn't agree with that. They were working things out their own way. Hatori had countered with trying to explain to everyone that they had to make their own mistakes and learn for themselves. Ayame had said something to the effect of as long as there was harmony in the bedroom everything would be wondrous. That had pissed both Kyou and Kagura off. Tohru had fell into a deep blush as Yuki grabbed his brother by the collar and began yelling as Ayame laughed.

Of course, to Kyou's annoyance, no one was criticizing Yuki and Tohru's marriage. Theirs was completely seamless. They were two completely happy people, completely in love, and having a completely perfect life together with no reason to argue or get angry at one another. Smiling blushes at one another, coyly held hands… It made Kyou feel nearly sick. It wasn't that he wasn't happy with Kagura. It had actually surprised him when he came to realize just how much he did love her and how he wanted to care for her. It wasn't an overnight thing either. It had come with time and more stubbornness on her part than patience on his. But sometimes he just became really aware of how perfect that damn mouse's marriage was while he and Kagura were forever arguing. At least when there tempers calmed, they could smile at one another. There was one thing Kyou was secure about deep within his heart. No matter how loud or bad the yelling got, he wouldn't dare leave Kagura and he knew she wasn't about to leave him. Their fights were more annoying than painful and both were used to annoyances. Though both were secure in the fact that they'd be together now, their marriage was forever being compared to Yuki and Tohru's.

And it didn't help matters that people were right a lot of the times, either. Even though people sometimes had no idea what was going on within the house, they could hit things right on the head. Hatori didn't meddle all that much, but Shigure and Ayame were always right on top of the game. Shigure seemed intent on helping, but Ayame believed all the problems were lying in one place. Kyou remembered being held back as he tried to attack Ayame for saying such things but had about four people holding him back.

Maybe if his and Kagura's sex life had been a little a better at the time, it would have been all right. When they first got married though, they were both virgins and so disaster had ensued on their wedding night. Kyou had barely got it in before firing, leaving Kagura upset at first. Kyou had been pissed with himself and then when Kagura began telling him it was okay and that he'd do better the next time, it mad him even madder. The only thing on his mind was that Yuki had probably been a hell of a better lover than he had just been and that Kagura deserved much better than what he had just given her. He had turned his back to Kagura in the bed, but she still wrapped her arms around him and snuggled against his back. When he had calmed himself, he took her hands in his and they slept like that. She was too stubborn to give up on him.

Kyou looked down at Kagura as she stirred against him, beginning to snore lightly as her mouth fell open. Well, after weeks of what he believed to be just barely satisfying her if at all, he knew he had done well a little while before. His body was still quite sedated as he let his mind wander back over the night once more. He was finally satisfied with being her lover now. Not that making love to her before hadn't felt right, but tonight… It was more right than ever. For some reason, she'd been on his mind all day. He was really late getting home from his weekly training with Kazuma. He wasn't tired at all; his body wanted Kagura. Strangely enough, she had apparently been waiting for him. He found her in their candlelit bedroom, waiting quietly in a short yellow terrycloth bathrobe. It was just like her to think a bathrobe could double as lingerie, but Kyou didn't need the clothes on her anyway. Soon all the clothes were on the floor and sweat was pouring off of them both. The small candles had nearly burned out by the time Kyou saw a look on complete intention on Kagura's face that he'd never seen before. She was quietly whimpering his name and begging softly and he decided no matter what she was going to get what she asked for. He could feel and even see the tension within her entire body as his hand traced over her cheek and lips, trying to will her with his eyes that he wasn't going to disappoint her this time. Her nails began to dig into his shoulders; her thighs tightened around his waist as she broke eye contact to clench her eyes shut and arch her back. He could feel it. There was no chance she was faking it this time as she had before so he wouldn't be angry with himself. He could feel her body shaking around him within her. Her head was literally thrashing side to side as she cried out his name over and over with each quick breath, her arms tight around his body and hands never letting go of his shoulders. He buried his head in the exposed neck, kissing her passionately there and trying not to lose himself yet. He didn't raise his head again until her grip on his waist had loosened, her hands had begun to stroke his back, and her body was relaxed beneath his. A dazed smile was on her lips, a few tears of relief on her cheeks. He kissed them away and allowed himself a release afterward. His wasn't as powerful as hers had been, but it was damn satisfying to know he finally become the lover he wanted to be to her. She had curled up against him as the candles died out and went to sleep.

Kyou absently kissed the top of her head, trying to keep the smug smirk off his face. So he had done it once. Would he be able to do it again? He wouldn't be satisfied with himself as a lover unless he could. Maybe Ayame was right. Kyou couldn't help but to snort at that thought. He wanted to bet Yuki had never pleased Tohru as well as he had just pleased Kagura, either.

He tightened his arm around Kagura and rested his cheek on her head. That was one change he didn't mind anymore. Having to hold her during the night at first seemed like something of a chore. It got in the way of his usual fetal sleeping position and he had tried to push her away for the first few nights. Soon he got used to having her in his arms through the night. Taking naps during the day without her were actually restless. He'd never admit that to her, but they were. He feared becoming dependent but at the same time, since it was Kagura, it wasn't that bad.

He felt as if for just this night, his marriage was suddenly as seamless as Yuki's was. Both he and Kagura were completely content, all curled up in each other's arms. Happy. In love. Somewhere across the city, Yuki and Tohru were probably just as elated. Happy. In love. Contently curled up in each other's arms after making love to one another. Kyou started to grin, for once feeling equal to that damn mouse. The picture of Yuki and Tohru curled up together no longer bothered him. At least, not the way it used to.

Kyou's grin faded nearly as quickly as it had started. Something was wrong with the image in his mind. Something with the image just didn't fit. Kyou felt as if he were looking at the picture through some distorted mirror. Though the picture was clear, it was odd. Yuki and Tohru, lying in their bed… Tohru's head rested on Yuki's bare chest as her arm draped across him to lightly grip the blanket. Yuki had both arms around her, holding her close. The digital green light in their room read 1:32a.m. Finally Kyou's mind zeroed in on what was bugging him about the image. Slowly, Kyou saw the seam of the happy damn mouse marriage rip. Why had he never thought of that before? Surely somewhere in his mind he had known, but he just hadn't applied the knowledge…

The image of Yuki and Tohru changed into one where Yuki was nuzzled against Tohru's back, his arms carefully at his own side. Tohru's hands clasped themselves in front of her. The picture was better that way. But Kyou couldn't accept it. Those two could never… Just as he and Kagura were laying in bed… Kagura was a member of the Juunishi. Tohru was not. Kagura's arms didn't cause him to poof. Tohru's arms, however, did cause Yuki to poof.

"Tch," he finally muttered, deciding to put it out of his mind and not let it ruin his perfect night. It was the life they chose. Even if he had neglected that fact for a while they surely must not have. It was their problem, not his. Looking down at Kagura, he tried to remind himself of his feats to get Yuki and Tohru out of his mind. He smiled again, thinking he could still feel the sweat on her brow. But his smile faded slowly, his mind not willing to let go of the fact that Tohru could never be held like this by the person she would most want to be held by. His eyes clenched shut. Maybe it was good for the mouse to have to suffer a bit, but Tohru… Just as he knew Kagura deserved so much more than what he had given her so far, he had always thought that Yuki was giving the same and more to Tohru. Yet, it was impossible.

Dammit, it wasn't fair. What the hell was that damn mouse thinking putting Tohru in a marriage like that? What right did Yuki have to do that to her? Tohru was always so slow when it came to such things that she probably didn't realize it until Yuki had her on their wedding bed. Kyou knew Yuki had to have known. His frustration rose over the matter, his stomach tying into knots. It had to be hard for Yuki, too. Kyou's mind wouldn't stop no matter how he begged it. More and more images of the life that Yuki and Tohru could never lead kept popping up.

So that was why no one ever tried to pick apart their marriage. It was so flawed from the inside that everyone respected the painful position they had placed themselves in. The problems within Kyou's marriage could be worked on and fixed. Yuki and Tohru's were forever. Kyou hated it even more that Yuki was becoming a man with a curse in his mind's eye instead of that damn mouse.

Looking down at Kagura once more, he tried to imagine what it would be like if he wasn't allowed to hug her body close to his, to feel her warmth against his skin, to feel her heart beating against his own during a tender embrace. "Argh!" Kyou wretched out and carefully pulled himself out of Kagura's hold on him so he could stand up. He pulled on the pants that had been thrown to the floor a while before and began pacing around the room, one hand pulling at his hair and the other clenched at his side, trying to get those images out, trying to ignore the fact that he'd never be able to handle Yuki's situation.

The one time he had needed to hug Tohru, he had and accepted the result of having to sleep as a cat on her knee. But if he couldn't hug Kagura, as much as she had come to mean to him? How could Yuki stand it? How could Yuki even remotely *want* to put Tohru in such a position? Kyou bit his lip hard, anger rising too fast to deal. His fist reared back and punched the wall hard in one swift, almost elegant motion. A pitiful growl had come with the punch, both actions feeling as if they had been ripped from his soul. How had he gotten so worked up over this? He sank to his knees, feeling guilty because of the anger over Yuki and Tohru's "perfect" marriage. His head lowered and his fingers scratched at the wooden floor. Hot tears were falling straight down from his eyes, not bothering to run down his cheeks. "Tohru…" he whimpered softly. He couldn't bear to say Yuki's name.

"Kyou?" a groggy voice asked from behind him. Kagura had raised up in the bed, propped up on one arm and rubbing her eyes with her other hand.

"Go back to sleep," he said, hoping that she couldn't hear the pain in his voice. His hopes were denied as he realized she was getting up and reaching for her robe.

"What's the matter?" she asked gently, tugging the belt on her robe shut.

"Nothing. I told you to go back to sleep." His voice gave him away completely this time as it cracked a few times.

"Kyou? Are you crying?"

He turned around to face her as she knelt beside him with an angered look on his face. "Leave me alone and just go back to bed!" he said in a louder, more demanding voice.

Kagura, as usual, ignored him. "Why are you crying? What's wrong?!" she asked, also using a louder tone and a more demanding voice.

"It's nothing. Just… leave me be." He hung his head again and found his tears had stopped. The lump in his throat was still trying to choke him, though.

Her hand began to rub his back, trying to comfort him. Though he wanted to yell and tell her to get back in bed, he bit it back. "Whatever it is, Kyou, you can tell me. No matter how awful," she said. Her arms surrounded him from the back and her cheek pressed against one shoulder blade.

With that, the reason he was on the floor in the first place returned and his tears fell again. "Let go of me, dammit! Please, just… don't want to hold me right now! Go back to bed and leave me be!"

Kagura let go and sat back on her heels, staring at his quivering back for a minute. She decided not to fight him for now as tears welled up in her own eyes. She knew his voice whimpering Tohru's name would haunt her for a long time coming. She suddenly felt as far away from him as she had when Tohru had first seen the real Kyou. She quietly stood and obediently went to back to bed. She listened as Kyou sobbed quietly on the floor. She knew what sound a heart made when it broke, then. Kyou's sobs made the same sound her heart did when it broke. And it was.

To be continued….

Author's Further Note: If I don't continue, feel free to hunt me down. I'll be standing behind Kyou right over there…