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John Carter's Misadventures in Mars

John Carter had to go to Mars to start his adventure that would make him universally famous. But the teleport, or whatever it's called, from Earth to Mars was having some problems so he hopped on the oldest spaceship borrowed from the Apollo 13 mission to start his journey. On the wall of the spaceship, he saw an advertisement poster that of an old postman suggesting that the fastest route to Mars was by passing through Jupiter first. He had an uneasy feeling about it but the man appeared old and hence he must be wise, so he pushed the buttons inside the cockpit and with a jerk, the ship flew into the outer space.

On his way to Jupiter, he saw a red planet and on his iphone, it read, 'On your left side is planet Mars,' but whatever John saw, it just flew off his brain since he really was tired or excited or maybe he just couldn't connect this Mars with the planet Mars, who knows.

After half his lifetime later, he finally arrived in a huge, huge planet. At the shipport, the entrance to this part of this huge planet, John felt that this place was different. There were aliens smoking everywhere and it was hot, so hot—clank, clank the electronic fan on the corner was pitiful. Furthermore, the gravity was weird and it was obvious that he needed the inhabiting aliens' help to hold him down or otherwise, he would just fly off into the atmosphere. However, the brown-skinned alien designated to assist him was asking for a prize err bribe, and for John Carter that was not nice and really funny at the same time ~yeah, an anecdote he decided he must share back home~. So in response to the unsavoury proposition, John, who was on his way to Mars to save an alien race, stated proudly, "Don't you know who I am? I am John Carter. Not that famous but soon will be."

The alien of Astia Jupiter, native of Indy named Custo-Indo, replied, "Leave! Go back to where you came from if you don't want to give me your i-gadget."

It was then that some light bulb lightened on John's head. 'Yep, everybody knows; almost every race practice bribery here in Astia part of Jupiter—say, for instance that other alien race up north, the Pino. So yeah, why don't I just lump all of Astia together especially this southeast part."

John Carter, disappointed with his realization, went back inside his craft. He couldn't ask for directions on how to go to Mars from those brown-skinned aliens. So he end up knocking on his trusty, rusty spaceship's computer screen, as he inquired, "Hey, mate could I ask for directions?" while murmuring to himself, 'It never hurt to ask especially if one is confused and it is still manly to do so.'

Dora, the explorer, appeared on the flat screen and answered, "Mars is the planet in between Earth and Jupiter. Tsk tsk, they do teach this in grade school, you know."

Lifting his head high, John argued defensively, "It isn't my fault. It was that old man. Geez, Dora, lighten up."

At the later end of his life, John Carter finally arrived in Mars. With his last breath, he saw the beautiful Dejah Thoris, the love of his life and told her, "If not for the alien race Pino, I could have located Mars faster. That alien at the entrance port of their filthy planet was asking for compensation for his help."

With John dying in her arms, the feisty Dejah delivered her own promise, "I will eradicate them John for you."

With John's body frozen in carbonite, the vengeful Dejah Thoris went in search of Darth Vader to borrow his Death Star.

After saying the command, "Beam me up, Scotty," Dejah finally found Darth on his Star Destroyer. The heavy breather was busy blowing Alderaan, her rival's, Princess Leia's home planet. Dejah shrugged, people were wrong, that slave Leia's hot outfit was based on her own outfit and it wasn't Dejah who copied it. It was actually the other way around duh. But no matter, Dejah wasn't here to argue with Leia. She was here to ask Darth for the Death Star but she also needed him to tone its destructive power down. True, Jupiter is really huge but she didn't want to destroy the whole planet, she just wanted to show her might to that alien race, Pino.

"Oh Darth, I'm such a helpless girl. Would you help me?" Dejah asked coyly and batting her eyelashes. "But you mustn't include all of Jupiter like what you did to Alderaan. Only those Pino. Just blast those."

Pouting but nobody could see it, Darth answered, "Those aliens residing in the Astia part of Jupiter all looked the same— brown skinned, short-legged aliens—not worthy of white alien's respect." Haha but then, deep inside Darth was thinking along this vein, 'I will turn to the good side later on, folks.'

However, someone mopping Darth Vader's Star Destroyer ship's floor couldn't help but listen in to their conversation. Earning himself a backbone, the small, browned skin, short alien still quaking in his wobbly knees finally came forward, saying with a voice of conviction, "We are a race that's goes to other planets, leaving behind our families to help feed them. We are known for terrorizing and other misdeeds but I heard from home, from my high tech phone that it wasn't my race who asked John for his i-gadget."

"Silence, you brown skin alien! You have no right to say what's on your mind. You are after all insignificant; when you change your skin to white maybe then we will listen to whatever you say," an officer on Darth's ship suddenly growled.

Dejah rolled her skinny shoulders in another shrug. Actually, she was not really Dejah. She was in truth just some upcoming falling star's publicist pretending to be Dejah. So yeah, she started an argument between the lowly help and the high-ranking officer, so what? She couldn't do anything to stop their squabbling anyway—only John could and John wouldn't, couldn't talk right now.

So on with her mission to send a message to those Pinos.

So with the help of Darth, the Death Star was configured so that only the Pinos were hit by its deadly beam.


And too late, it flashed on Darth's Star Destroyer's big monitor that the race called Indy sent in a telegram. It announced that they discovered that it was actually one of their aliens and not an alien of Pino's who turned John Carter off the Astia part of the planet.

Dejah then said defensively, "John Carter is not guilty. He was excited so he said the wrong race and hell, he had just spent his life time travelling."

Still aboard Darth's ship, the quaking Pino crew was joined by another Pino crew and this newly arrived crew asked belligerently, "Aren't you gonna say sorry."

The ranking official was joined by another official, snarling, "Hey dude, you have no right to be belligerent. Only white guys have the right to speak in that tone, you know."

It followed that the other officials on the ship's bridge flanked the two Pinos. One official even declared, in a voice reeking of so called intelligence, "No need to say sorry. It was really an honest mistake and chances are the Death Star only hit Pino's mountains and hills, I doubt there are any casualties."

One jolly official even added, "Oh you there brown aliens, chill okay, nothing bad really happened."

While another one said, "Good for your race. Your race stinks. You are guilty too of the same practice, so it doesn't matter that your part of the planet was hit."

When amazingly one brown skinned obviously of Pino race agreed with the officers. "Yeah, these two idiots raising a fuss over non issues. Their hometown is already plagued with more problems but they concern themselves with this."

The two Pino, finally outnumbered and nobody was listening to their arguments anyway, sneered in a language the other aliens couldn't understand, "Mga gago!"

"Onion-skinned!" rebutted the officials.

"Gunggung!" replied the belligerent Pino.

"Shut up! Just shut up already."

The level-headed Pino tried again, his voice getting hoarse, "Try it in my shoes and you would understand how we feel."

"Really! Just shut up already!"

The place was getting ugly and ridiculous. And it was Dejah's cue to slowly and silently creep towards the door leaving behind the mess John Carter made. She could always revive him and berate him in secret. But nah, she would not get mad at him—he was way too sexy. Yum Yum.

While Darth Vader looked upon his officers and crew, betting 250 million dollars that the white race would win in this scuffle. They always do anyway. And wait, what was he doing, he is not involved in this fiasco and he have more important things to do like frying those Ewoks.


Author's note: Based on real life.