Author's Note: Welcome to Bella Swan is Fat and Ugly, a look at what would happen if Bella was not a fragile slip of a girl! Please take the poll on my profile to let me know your biggest peeve with the Twilight series, maybe I can fix that for you ;)

All hail Smeyer, the birthing-mother of the great and supernatural population of the mostly-fictionalized town of Forks, Washington! Without her fever-dream scribblings we would never have the delightfully twisted pairing of Bella-klutz and Eduardo, the first Sparklepire! Enjoy!

At this time in history

We are to take nothing personally,

Least of all, ourselves!

For the moment we do,

Our spiritual growth and journey comes to an end.

-Thomas Banyacya, Hopi Prophesy to the Nation

Part the first: The set up

First bell, first period, homeroom.

There was only one new student this year, which made her entrance all the more anticipated. Edward read a book, trying to ignore the hum of voices. There were only three home rooms per grade, and he happened to have a front seat to see the new girl's arrival.

He didn't care. In such a small town any infusion of new blood was always met with hope and dreamy romance; would she be beautiful or would she be sexy? Would she be wild? She was the daughter of the local Sheriff. There were boys who hoped she would be demure with long lashes and a quick blush, and then there were boys (and girls) who wished she would be rebellious and loud with a curious mouth. Edward did his best to ignore the aspirations of the hormonal youth.

She was late and she was an almost perfect candidate for modeling. She had high, broad cheekbones, slim hips, slender wrists, and most importantly she was tall enough: six feet. She was just an inch shorter than Edward himself.

The teacher was at the front of the class, writing out the word of the day (opprobrium) and glancing at various papers when Edward heard the simultaneous sigh of disappointment from male voices across the room. The female voices were dripping with relieved condescension. Her super model structure was hidden by generous rolls of fat. Edward didn't need to look, he saw it already. She was an overweight, badly dressed, nervous-looking girl made awkward by her height.

"Please take a seat, Miss Swan," the teacher said, "and see me after class."

Edward returned to his book and wouldn't notice the new girl again until Biology, three hours later.

This time, when she entered the class, he was breathing. The new girl was late again and the only open seat was next to him. He exuded an aura of fearsomeness and cold. Find another seat, he commanded with his presence. As she clumsily unloaded books, binders, bags and a coat (didn't she realize she had a locker?) he sighed peevishly, allowing her scent to tickle his dessicated lungs.

He froze, his eyes locked on the girl. Her sloppy gypsy-black hair was pulled back in a rubber band, her button-down shirt didn't fit properly and he could see a peek-a-boo hole between two buttons. She was wearing a nude-colored bra, cheaply made. She kept hitching up her pants and fussily flipping through binders, trying to find the section reserved for Biology. She had dark, hairy eyebrows.

But this is not what disturbed him. It was not her pathetic unpopularity, it was not pity. It was intense, lurid, menacing attraction. She smelled incredible. She smelled tasty. A sea-change occurred in Edward Cullen. He went from the aloof beauty King, content to drift through high school existence, to predator. A charming smile cracked his features.

He began to plot various plausible situations where the new girl would end up dead and he would saunter away, bloated and ecstatic. He edged his seat closer to hers. The teacher was engaged in the uselessly redundant task of rewriting last week's assignments on the board, but it gave Edward time.

"Hello, lab partner." He said leaning in towards her perfume. She smiled nervously, avoiding his eyes.

"Hi, my name is Bella. So we're lab partners for the year?"

"Why yes, Bella. A fortuitous circumstance. You appear to be an intelligent and interesting young woman, and I look forward to getting to know you better. My name is Edward. Cullen. It is a pleasure to meet you."

"Uh, thanks." She looked confused and Edward's quickly darkening eyes turned dark like congealed blood. He realized that on top of smelling savory-sweet, she was also completely silent. Her mind was empty. He ventured confirmation of her superlative stupidity,

"What is your favorite color? –No! Let me guess."

She stammered and stared. The popular, handsome—scratch that, gorgeous boy was significantly more weird than she had anticipated. She liked weird but was completely caught off-guard by his irregular beauty. He stared back at her intently, listening for a brain wave flicker. She got the feeling that he was a magician, trying to read her mind. She raised an unwaxed eyebrow.

"Orange?" He finally said, smoothly.

"Ochre." She said, but sounded surprised, "You got the 'o', that was pretty impressive actually."

But Edward was not impressed. He had not heard a peep from her brain and she had clearly been thinking. He had hoped she was uncommonly ignorant. In fact, she was irritatingly elusive. His eye twitched.

Bella, unnerved by the attention and twitching, turned back to the front of the class, trying to take notes. But Edward wouldn't have it. He stretched along the table, leaning on his elbow and getting his face close to hers. He turned on the dazzle.

"Ochre, really? That is utterly fascinating. I would love to learn more about you, Miss Bella Swan. Can I give you a ride home after school today? Maybe we can talk about… colors." He smiled and smoldered and instinctively inhaled, feeling the empty recesses of his marble body vibrate in a collective purr of pleasure. Such a delicacy, and she was all his. He would take his time and lure her away. She wasn't going anywhere. She'd never escape him.

"Actually, I have my own truck," the words came out with a note of pride and Edward's eye twitched again. There was meaning laced behind that smile of hers and he could not read it. He grew hungry. "But thank you." She gave him a polite smile and tried to turn back to her studies, kicking herself for rejecting this gorgeous boy. Yet she was suspicious of him. In the context of their respective popularity he was being far too friendly. Her smooth forehead and vacant gaze did not alert Edward to any of her cogitation.

She pretended to ignore him, not wanting to make a bad impression on yet another teacher, but Edward was infatuated.

"That's funny, because I actually didn't drive to school today!" He forced a small, quipping laugh, "Can I get a ride home with you, then?" Smolder, smile, licks teeth.

"Edward, I really need to pay attention to class; I can't get in trouble again," Bella hissed, shaking her hair out of a ponytail and hiding her face behind the jet-black mess. What a bonkers town this turned out to be, she thought to herself. Her hair released the divine scent and Edward met it greedily. Warmth, pulsing heartbeat, the smell of replicating cells and that slight electric buzz characteristic to the human body: Edward was overcome.

He felt the blood-lust fill him. He had welcomed it too heedlessly, he had been overzealous. He had wanted to kill her in his magical meadow of pondering, his secret place where he could crack her open like a crustacean and suck dry the difficult bits. But there was a venomous salivation in his mouth and he stood awkwardly, putting distance between himself and his prey. Not here, he warned himself, not yet.

"Mr. Cullen? Is everything okay?" The teacher directed his voice to the back of the class.

"You're right!" Edward said, crazily responding to the teacher's thoughts instead of words, "It's allergies or blood sugar. Blood—" he was shaking his head, confused and dizzy. The animal was breaking out and he suppressed growls. Bella stood, concerned for the teenage-vampire who wanted to kill her,


"Miss Swan, please escort him to the nurse's office, it's just down the hall," the teacher said dismissively, trying to recover the class' attention. Bella stepped forward, about to take Edward's arm and shoulder him over to the nurse's but her sudden proximity was too much. Unable to vamp and unable to control himself, Edward's body did the only thing it could: it fainted.

The whole class let out a shocked "Ah!" of surprise as the ethereal figure crumpled to the floor. Bella knelt down, cupping her hand under the back of his head, gently feeling for blood. Her cop dad, Charlie, had taught her basic first aid when she was little but she couldn't remember it clearly. The teacher was struggling through the crowd of students, trying to reach them at the back of the lab.

"Edward? Are you okay?" His skin was chilly and she noticed how deathly pale he looked.

Suddenly Edward's eyes flashed open, a coal black solid, and a hissing gasp snarled his lips. Frightened, Bella dropped his head, hearing a sickening crack against the concretex. Her hands flew to her mouth in shame and embarrassment—that is definitely not what you are supposed to do with an unconscious person.

Mulligan, she thought to herself, holding back tears. I want a do-over. This day was going all wrong.