Touhou Doujin: Jean's Magical Education

Chapter 1: The Undying Phoenix of... friendship?

The Forest of Magic, two anti meridian

As Marisa snored in a somewhat diminished manner, Jean failed to do any snoring of his own as the two lay together under the bright, waxing moon. Despite his scepticism, it seemed that Marisa's idea of a 'survival exercise' was a true test of wits after all... a calm, sure-of-himself survivalist would have been able to get some shut-eye without fear of being eaten, as they would sleep so lightly that they could wake up and react at any time.

Jean was not confident enough in himself to do this though. After lying for a few more minutes with his eyes open, he decided to go for walk to tire himself out, making sure he didn't stray too far from his new mentor. After walking about twenty yards, Jean found a rock, and sat on it. Suddenly, a bush rustled, and startled him to the point of beginning to run back to Marisa, however, the causer of the rustle shouted, "It's okay... I'm a human."

Jean stopped mid-run, but was too tired to turn around effectively, and tripped over his own feet. The person walked up to the now completely immobile Jean, and sighed to herself as she stood over him.

At this point, Jean was paralysed with fear. The woman was wearing somewhat masculine-looking clothes, with red-trousers and a white shirt, both covered in paper charms. Her long, white hair seemed to indicate that even though her face was young, she was far older than any human should be.

Unable to think coherently, Jean Franc stuttered the first English words that came to mind, "H-hello, m-m-m-my name is Jean Franc Levoisier..."

The woman smiled, surprised that he didn't attack her. Blissfully unaware that if he had the power, he probably would have, the woman said, "Oh... my name's Fujiwara no Mokou, though people just call me Mokou..."

"F-f-f-fujiwara no... Mokou?" Jean fumbled in his pockets for the Grimoire of Dawitsu, and got it out to check if she was telling the truth about being a human. Unfortunately, the light level was far from ideal reading light, so he failed to acquire any information whatsoever.

Mokou cocked her head, and noticed Jean was trying to read the book in his hands. She lit a flame in her hands, and asked, "Do you want me to light things up for you?"

Taken aback by her courtesy, Jean scrambled to his feet, and after thinking the situation over, decided to take up the offer. "Yes, please..."

Mokou held her flame steady over the book, and read it over Jean's shoulder. After a short while of silence, Mokou finally piped up, and said, "Yes! Someone agrees that Kaguya is immature! I'm so much more mature than her! Ha ha! This writer's a genius!"

By this point, Jean had figured out that he was probably safe with her, but had to do his best to never imply that he was in cahoots with a certain... Kaguya. Jean muttered, "Er... do you have any friends?"

"Come to think of it, no, I don't. I have Keine, I guess... anyway, what's a human like you doing out here? You need to find the human village quickly, or the Youkai will eat you alive..." Fujiwara no Mokou declared her lack of friends in such a lax, almost cheerful manner that it seemed false.

"Comme tout le monde me dit sans cesse..." Jean remarked.

"Hold on... what did you just say?" Mokou stared at Jean's face, and came to a realisation, "Hey, you're... male. It's been a while since I've seen a man..." Mokou stopped mid-sentence, and her face contorted with anger, "DAMN YOU, KAGUYA!"

Jean stepped back in fear, somewhat understandably, "Er... yes, I am male. And... if it is not an issue, I'm with someone else, they are protecting me, so I am satisfied with my safety..." Jean used this sentence as an excuse to run back to Marisa.

"Hey! Don't leave!" Mokou stretched her arm out, "Sorry... it's just... well, you read that book. I lost my father because of that evil lunarian bitch, Kaguya Houraisan... speaking of that book, who wrote it?"

"Who wrote the book? I cannot remember his first name, but his last name is Dawitsu. He is... what are they called... a Youkai?" Jean explained, "How did you not come across him? He says that he has to observe all of his subjects before he... mimics them."

Mokou scratched her head, "Perhaps he was hiding when he observed me. I don't remember seeing a male youkai. Anyway, who are you travelling with? Anyone I would know?"

"Er... Miss Marisa Kirisame?" Jean answered.

"Marisa... Marisa..." Fujiwara thought back through her relatively recent memories, and then picked up on who it was, "OH! That human witch who was sent to kill me by... Ka... Ka..."

Jean stepped back in anticipation for what was to come.

"KAGUYA!"

Jean gasped, despite the fact he saw that outburst coming, "Er... have you tried reconciling with this... Kaguya woman?"

"Of course! All I asked for was that she apologise for getting my father killed, but all she did was laugh in my face, so I... I... burnt hers off! HA HA HA HA HA!" Mokou burst into a loud maniacal laugh, waking up Marisa.

Jean was becoming seriously frightened, and asked, "So... you... you killed her?"

"Yeah, but she always... ALWAYS comes back to make my life a misery again!" Mokou complained, "It's not fair! One of us has to stay dead sooner or later! I don't care who it is! As long as one of us dies! ARGH!" Mokou started to rip her hair out, causing it to instantly regenerate.

Jean tried to find the right moment to run as Mokou worked herself up into a state of anger. Turning around and about to bolt, he stopped as he saw a disapproving Marisa standing in front of him.

Marisa put her hands on her hips, and shouted in a motherly sort of way, "Hey! That's not cool! I woke up, and you weren't there! What would have happened if a Youkai came up and ate you? I was worried sick! And don't think that I'm finished telling..."

Mokou interrupted Marisa's scolding to point at the witch and yell, "YOOOOUUUUU! You are the human witch that caused me so much pain the last time you appeared! Keine says you still dislike me, too!"

Marisa shrugged, "Uh, actually, I just said that I didn't like you... it's not like I hate you, or anythi..."

Fujiwara no Mokou caused a pair of phoenix wings to appear behind her, and she screamed, "SILENCE!"

Jean dived out of the way as Mokou fired a large cluster of familiars towards Marisa. Marisa got on her broom, grabbed the Frenchman, and dashed as far from the familiars as possible, so as to avoid the huge explosion that emitted from the ghostly things.

Marisa muttered, "Damn it, Jean, do you know how much danger we're in, now? You've angered the most powerful human in Gensokyo!"

"I thought Miss Hakurei was the most powerful human..."

"Shut up! She can die, this one can't, and when she's this riled up, she isn't going to stop until we're both toast..." Marisa took off as Mokou proceeded to fire three strands of ridiculously fast red bullets.

Mokou was staying on the floor while attacking the frantically dodging Marisa, and Jean was taking a spectator's seat throughout the ordeal. As Marisa became more and more erratic in her flying style, it became apparent that Jean would have to help somehow.

Jean tried his only trump card, "Stop fighting, both of you!"

Marisa yelled, "She started it!"

Mokou answered, "Only if she apologises!"

Marisa asked, "What for? I didn't do anything!"

Mokou continued her assault, unhindered by Jean's pathetic attempt to break up the fight. Marisa was circling Mokou in her dodging efforts, and Mokou remained pinned on the ground.

Marisa stopped flying, and, out of desperation, fired her infamous Master Spark. Jean stared in horror as Mokou flinched, but still seemed like she was taking it head on. Looking into her eyes, he saw she was taking each watt's worth of pain.

Unable to stop himself now that he was in a position to help, Jean leapt to Mokou's aid and dived at her, pushing her out of harms way and leaving her under Jean Franc's body.

Marisa called, "Hey, Jean! What the hell are you doing? I was beginning to think that bombs were working on her for a second!"

Mokou muttered from below Jean, "It's alright... I can take it... now can you please get off me?"

Jean noticed he was in a position to demand peace, "No, you have to stop attacking Marisa first!"

Of course, Mokou knew Jean wasn't in a position to demand anything, "I can just throw you off, you know..."

Jean knew brawn would not work in this case, so he tried to convince her via words, "But... if you do that, then you could lose... a new friend? Is that right? Yes, it is. Yes, you could lose me, and I like you..." Jean didn't elaborate on why he liked her, as he had only just met her, "...I have lost people close to me too, I do not blame others for the tragedies, and I definitely wouldn't blame someone who isn't responsible..."

"But Marisa is working for Kaguya..." Mokou muttered.

"But she is not Kaguya... so stop! And Marisa, do not shoot. If you do, you'll shoot me too!" Jean seemed unable to fully affirm how accurate Marisa's shooting was, but considering the size of her bullets, it seemed unlikely she could snipe Fujiwara no Mokou that easily.

Marisa decided to surrender, and landed her broom beside the still-lying pair. Mokou finally said, "Now will you get off me?"

Jean, satisfied, replied, "Yes." After standing up, and helping Mokou up also, he said, "Now, how is it you say... kiss and make out, you two!"

Marisa and Mokou sweat-dropped, with a long pause permeating the atmosphere. After a moment of thought, Marisa figured it out, "Uh... did you mean kiss and make up?"

Jean laughed, "Oh, of course, I am sorry. Why, what did what I say mean?"

Both Marisa and Mokou answered erratically, "It doesn't matter!"

"The English Language is so strange..." Jean mused to himself.

Mokou put on a wry smile, "So, how did you get here, newcomer?"

Marisa giggled, "That Reimu Hakurei went out boy-hunting, isn't that right? Came back with this sorry excuse of a man. Seems the outside world is full of whelps, he doesn't even know the basics of Danmaku!"

"If I am as you say, a whelp, why did you want to take me with you?" Jean asked.

"Because someone needs to train you, and it certainly wasn't going to be Reimu! She's a natural at everything, she wouldn't know the first thing about teaching someone when she's never had to teach herself..." Marisa explained.

"That is true..." Jean remarked, remembering Reimu's 'teaching method' for flying, "But that still does not explain why you wanted to teach me..."

"Uh... well, maybe you don't want to know! Anyway, seen as we're all awake, why don't we get some food. Okay, Fujiwara! Seen as I beat you, tell us where food is!" Marisa demanded.

"You didn't win..." Mokou muttered, then smiled, "Okay, there's a lamprey salesperson somewhere in this forest, she apparently helps to cure night-blindness..."

"Nice try." Marisa replied with a smirk, "We both know that's the Night Sparrow. Now, tell us where we can really find food!"

Mokou's face formed a small smile, "Why not just go home? I don't know you're asking me for directions, this really isn't my turf. I prefer the bamboo forest myself."

Jean seemed a little reluctant to leave, "Er... goodbye. Will I be seeing you around here?"

"Why do you want to know that?" Mokou was genuinely wondering why someone would ask that of her.

"I am just curious. Perhaps I shall speak to you in less threatening circumstances next time?" Jean wondered out loud.

Marisa whispered, "If you're thinking of being friends with that psycho, think again... there's a reason that the human village doesn't like her..."

Jean folded his arms, ashamed of the young witch. Mokou walked away in silence, not giving away whether she'd heard Marisa's snark.

"Er... goodbye, Miss Fujiwara!" Jean attempted to say, but his farewell was met with yet more silence.

The Dawitsu Mansion, Six-fifty anti-meridian

Yutaka was slowly eating a bowl of sugar-based cereal, which was covered in freshly synthesised milk. For some reason, it didn't taste quite like real milk, despite her efforts to include every constituent- lactic acid, water, lactose, fat, white blood cell debris, a trace of skin, various antibiotics... this small-scale confusion led her to stare at the milk intently instead of noticing the crashes coming from upstairs.

The Lift just outside the foyer opened shortly after the crashing stopped, and Dawitsu exited, wearing a teacher's hat over his usual tokin, and holding a school uniform on a hanger in his right hand.

Yutaka stopped staring at her breakfast, and looked up to face Dawitsu, "No, I'm not being a schoolgirl..."

"But you look just right in it! Come on, you know that you can't just be a teaching assistant! Be down with the kids!" Dawitsu stopped to pose in some kind of imitation of a rapper, "You know, be all... hip, and stuff!"

"But that looks nothing like the children's attire, you just want to see me in a school uniform." Yutaka stated the obvious.

"Damn, you got me!" Dawitsu forfeited, "Fine, I'll get you a teacher's hat and a corset... er... jacket!"

Yutaka smiled to herself, "I think the children are a little too young to see me in a corset, I wouldn't want to disturb them for the rest of their lives."

"Speak for yourself, if I were a boy... or a girl for that matter, I'd love it if the cute teaching assistant was like that!" Dawitsu tried to defend his perversion, but to no avail.

"Oh, Boss... you really shouldn't be this flirtatious, it's not like you at all..."

"Who said I was flirting with you?" Dawitsu sniggered to himself, "I just want you to... look your best, that's all!"

"Oh, of course..." Yutaka feigned understanding, "Do you want me to make you breakfast?"

"Yes please. Can I have some of that milk you made from scratch on my cereal?" Dawitsu requested, "It tastes wonderful..."

Yutaka wondered why he found it so great, "Uh... okay, Boss!"

After the two ate their breakfast and prepared for going out to their new job, Dawitsu and Yutaka exited the Dawitsu Mansion, descending onto the Hakurei Shrine's grounds.

Shortly after touching the ground, they were met by the voice of a certain shrine maiden, "Hey, don't step on..." Reimu's voice initially sounded angry, but the pretence soon broke down, "...I'm sorry... so, how are you two? Where are you going with those dumb hats on?"

Dawitsu was puzzled at the way Reimu was acting, "What owes us the honour of being apologised to by the great Miko Hakurei?"

Yutaka added, "Yes, you seem upset about something..."

Reimu sighed, "Ugh... I'm not upset... just worried, that's all. You know that man that's living with me?"

Dawitsu put on a French accent, "Ah, hee ho hee ho, you mean, Monsieur Levoisier?"

Reimu growled at the Youkai's mockery, "Yes, that man! He's..." Reimu stopped speaking, sniffed a little, and then, almost out of nowhere, burst into tears, and clutched Yutaka, "JEAN'S GONE! WHY DID I LET MARISA TAKE HIM FROM ME? We'd only just met, and then I trust him with that witch, and now he's probably dead or worse... WHAT DO I DO?"

Yutaka was quite unprepared for the sudden embrace, but returned it, and said, "I'm sure he's fine. So, did he learn how to fly?"

Reimu remembered throwing the book Yutaka had lent Jean on the floor in disrespect for magic, and slowly mused, "...no."

Dawitsu tried to reassure her, "I'm sure Marisa's done a fine job protecting him... I find her trustworthy enough to..."

"She tried to steal your books." Reimu muttered to refute the Youkai's efforts.

"Yeah, but my Chibi clones like her... she isn't that bad, I'm certain she wouldn't abandon her fellow man..." Dawitsu tried to continue, but Reimu refuted once more.

"She led those clones to their deaths! I should know, I killed them!" Reimu pushed Yutaka away, and glared at Dawitsu, "Now, listen, you! I'm going to find Jean, and take him back, and you're going to help me."

Yutaka intruded the conversation, "Well, we're sort of busy at the moment, we're going to be teaching the children of the human village..."

"Are you sure you're not just seeing your girlfriend?" Reimu stared at Dawitsu with a somewhat aggressive smirk, "Yeah, that's right, I know all about your strange love affair. Is it a love-hate relationship, then?"

Dawitsu shook his head, "You should know better than to believe Hatate's newspaper. Anyway, I could ask the villagers if they've seen Marisa around, I guess. Even if you're not willing to be civil, I wish you the best of luck finding the guy..."

Reimu paused, not expecting a calm, collected reply, "Well... uh... good luck with teaching, too!" Reimu attempted to use that as an insult, but the aggression failed to make itself apparent.

Yutaka began walking away from the Shrine Maiden, "Well, I hope it goes well, but we're running late, so we really have to go now... come on, Boss..."

After Yutaka left, Dawitsu lingered a little longer, and Reimu murmured, "Since when did she start giving you the orders?"

"Uh..." Dawitsu scratched his head, then simply replied in a false tone, "Anyway, I'd love to stay and be abused by you all day, but I have a job to do, so I'll see you later, eh? Why don't you ask Rinnosuke for help, I'm sure he'd oblige."

After delivering a final verbal stab, Dawitsu dashed forward to catch up to Yutaka, and Reimu muttered, "Dirty coward..."

The shrine maiden almost tried to re-enter her house, but noticed Aya rush head-on into her reinforced wall, and said, "When are you gonna learn? That doesn't work any more!"

Aya stumbled towards Reimu, and slurred, "Here... take the... Bunbunmaru..." Aya stopped talking to get her bearings, and then continued in a far more coherent manner, "Hello! Just delivering the Bunbunmaru Newspaper! You haven't been reading the Kakashi Spirit News, have you? People are saying that Hatate's been delivering to customers all of a sudden! In fact, that's the front page story!"

Reimu grabbed the paper from the Tengu's hands, and read the front page headline- 'Libellous Newspaper gains popularity, Apocalypse at hand!'.

"Isn't that an exaggeration?"

"Of course not. But, yeah, whatever you do, do not take up the offer to see Alice Margatroid at Hatate's house. All the Youkai seem to be crowding there, it would be a..." a dark grin suddenly formed on Aya's face, "Uh... I mean... OH! Help! Help! A huge gathering of youkai are at Hatate's house, and they might be plotting to take over Gensokyo, or something! Hatate must be the conspirator! You'd best stop them before it's too late!"

"Nice try, Aya. But still, what is Alice up to around there?" Reimu wondered out loud.

"I don't know, but I think this would be an ideal time for the coverage of the current events to switch to another angle of coverage to find out, wouldn't it?" Aya stared towards the sky, and coughed meaningfully.

Reimu didn't understand the Tengu's ramblings, and just nodded, "Uh... yeah, it would, wouldn't it..."

Youkai Mountain, Hatate's house, around the same time

Hatate was snoring on a futon in the corner of her one-room house, while Alice was lying on the sofa above the futon. Peace was permeating the once frantic atmosphere of the house, and it lasted for a good fifteen minutes.

Shockingly, the peace was destroyed by Kogasa Tatara leaping through the window. "Eeeeya! So, are you surprised?"

Alice, who woke up the instant the noise happened, gasped for air and admitted, "Yes... I am surprised..."

Kogasa squealed with happiness, "Oh, goody! I finally got it right..." Kogasa looked below Alice, and, to her disappointment, noticed Hatate was still fast asleep. The Umbrella Youkai stamped her feet and yelled, "DAMN IT! I didn't frighten her, though..."

Alice tried to give her a 'consolation prize', "But at least you frightened me... anyway, what are you here for?"

"Isn't it obvious? Now that there's no-one else around, we can go on a date! Okay, here's the plan: A group of humans are going to go up to the Moriya Shrine to worship... I need you to make some really scary dolls to throw in their faces and make them scared!" Kogasa explained the plans for their 'date'.

Alice tried to let the Karakasa down gently, and said, "Look... that's not my idea of a date. If you want a friend who can scare people with you, I'll abandon an umbrella and make you another Umbrella Youkai for company, but I'm after love..."

"What's love?"

"You came to this event not knowing what love is?" Alice face-palmed, and proceeded to explain, "Love is... love is..." Alice suddenly realised it was hard to define love, and resorted to long words that gave the impression of understanding, "It's the romantical attachmentness of two foreign bodies and their willingness to spend an amount of time that tends towards infinity with each other and experience close, intimate relations of the physical and emotional nature."

Alice hoped Kogasa had stopped listening halfway through. She hadn't, however, "So, Love's when two foreign people get mushy and stuff and want to be together forever so they can have sex and talk with each other a lot?"

"Uh... sure it is..." Alice unsurely replied.

"Oh, well I guess love isn't my thing. Okay, so when will you throw away that umbrella?" Kogasa asked.

Alice searched around the room, and spotted a parasol handle poking out of a closet. After picking it up, she confirmed, "Will this do?"

Kogasa examined the Parasol, "Mm. It won't make a Karakasa, but it will make a Para-kasa. The last time I saw one of those, they seemed pretty fun. Okay, throw it away!"

"Uh... how?" Alice asked.

"Go outside, and throw it into the field." Kogasa replied, as if it was obvious.

"Oh... okay." Alice walked out of Hatate's house, Kogasa following her. Remarkably, Hatate had stayed fast asleep for the entirety of the conversation.

After going a good distance from the house, Alice threw the Parasol into a nearby river. Kogasa let loose a ridiculous attempt at an evil laugh, "Ha ha! Now, all we need to do is wait one hundred years, and make sure no-one touches it in the meantime!"

"And how are we going to do that?"

"No one's going to find it in a river!" Kogasa said with confidence.

Five seconds passed, and a faint noise of someone saying, "OW! Oh, what's this? A parasol? Oh, I wonder if I can extract the iron from the handle?"

Kogasa looked down in shame, and Alice smiled warmly, patting the unfortunate Karakasa on the back, "There, there... I'll bury the next umbrella I find, that's a promise..."

And so, yet another tale has begun in Gensokyo. It would seem that the area had become a lot more eventful, and this meant good things for both Tengu Reporters, not that they'd admit that to one another.

Reimu finally brought herself to begin looking for her estranged French friend, while Marisa and Jean decided to go to Marisa's house to study the books on magic that existed in piles distributed throughout the cluttered house. And, of course, Dawitsu taught the human villagers, as promised, starting with basic mathematics for the children, as opposed to the calculus Patchouli decided to teach Flandre...