Michael Scott's Office Babies

On June 27, 2010, the Michael Scott Daycare Center was closed by order of the Department of Child and Youth Services. The following interviews, profiles, and security camera footage was pieced together by Assistant Director Toby Flenderson as part of his investigation.

x

Michael: Why did I do it?

Pause.

Michael: Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be a father and have a hundred sons and daughters. But one day I woke up and realized I was in my early forties...

Dwight: Late forties.

Michael: Early mid-forties.

Dwight shrugs.

Dwight: Forty-seven.

Michael: Anyway, I realized I was in my forties and wasn't married yet.

Dwight: Didn't even have a girlfriend.

Michael: And I thought to myself where can put all this love? How can have the joy of caring for a child's every need... right away, before I get bored with it?

Pause.

Michael: And that is why I opened the Michael Scott Daycare Center.

Pause.

Michael: Also the Burlington Coat Factory I was working at closed and I needed to find a new job.

Dwight: I sold more brown shoes than anyone else in the company's history.

x

Pam and Jim

Jim and Pam exchanged glances. After a disastrous interview with the top daycare in town and the discovery that most of the other daycares in Scranton either belonged to a chain owned by Jim's ex-girlfriend or had been investigated by 60 Minutes, they finally had to surrendered themselves to the inescapable. The Michael Scott Daycare was the only option left.

"Welcome back," Michael said cheerfully. "'Exploring every possibility' didn't work out for you?"

Jim shook his head. "You're clearly the best."

Michael smiled. When Jim and Pam had left the first interview, he had openly wept in front of them and told them they'd come crawling back. They had known him twenty minutes.

"I just want you to know that I will do everything I can to make Little Cici feel at home," Michael assured. "I will not rest until I hear her call me daddy."

"That sounds... great..." Pam said, barely masking her terror.

"Yeah..." Jim agreed.

x

Jim: Does this make us terrible parents?

Pam shakes her head.

Pam: Just you.

Jim: Nice.

Andy and Erin

"Little Walter is an amazing kid, great at making friends... I'd imagine," Andy informed.

"We named him after Andy's dad," Erin said, smiling. "I'm sure he'd be thrilled when he finally meets him."

"Basically, he's a good kid, perfect pitch... we're very proud of him," Andy said.

"So proud!" Erin rejoined, clasping her hands with her husband.

"He just has a few... minor medical issues," Andy added.

"Oh right," Erin said as though remembering, "he inherited Andy's irritable bowel and my colitis, so... he'll basically be eating baby food until he's fifteen. Even after that, there's some things he'll never be able to eat."

Andy nodded. "I can only hope to live long enough to see him eat brown bread."

"Also," Erin continued, "he can't go out into the sun without a hat and three layers of sunblock and that's only if there's no bugs out there."

"His blood is like Cherikee Red for mosquitos. They can't get enough of it," Andy confided.

"Oh, and try to get the timing of his medications right, because his asthma medicine can give him seizures if he takes it four hours before eating and his epilepsy medicine can cause an asthma attack if he doesn't take it with food," Erin listed

"And he needs both four times a day," Andy finished.

"He's such a little miracle," Erin said, beaming.

Michael and Dwight managed a sidewise glance at each other unnoticed.

Ryan and Kelly

"We have three children," Ryan said from behind a thousand mile stare. "The first baby, Kelly lied about being on the Pill."

"And we had Taylor," Kelly added.

"Next time, the condom broke... not just one, I was wearing three," Ryan continued undeterred.

"That was Tyler," Kelly added.

"With our third," Ryan continued, "somehow my vasectomy was botched. So..."

"And that was our little Renesmee!" Kelly cooed.

Dwight nodded. "And you both work?"

Kelly shook her head. "Just me."

"I work from home," Ryan amended.

Kelly nodded. "And we both agreed it would be better for Ryan's work if the kids weren't there to get in the way."

"Are Taylor and Tyler boys or girls?" Michael asked.

Ryan blinked. "I have no idea."

"We have one of each," Kelly replied. "I'm not sure which is which."

x

Dwight: I believe in survival of the fittest, so I intend to pit these children against each other constantly so that only the superior can grow to adulthood to pass on their genes. I was born third son in a family of five. Today, I am an only child, so...

Pause.

Dwight: Clearly the system works.

x

As he watched his parents seeing him off, Dwight couldn't help but be impressed with Young Walter Bernard. Truly they were people of no importance, but somehow they had managed to sire a child as close to being completely spherical as possible. If he had a Revolutionary War era cannon (and he did), he could easily imagine loading the child into it. Someday, he thought.

"Okay," Erin told Little Walter softly, "now remember that even if the other kids won't play with you, it doesn't mean they don't like you."

"Sound advice," Andy chimed in.

"They could really like you and just be really shy about," Erin continued.

"Sometimes, you just need to really impress them with what a special boy you are," Andy instructed. "Actually, you should always be working on that all the time."

"But we'll love you no matter what," Erin assured.

"Oh, he's gonna blow it," Andy said in a panic. "Do you remember the dance routine we went over? Erin, where are my tap shoes?"

Five feet away, Jim was going through a similar ritual with his daughter.

"Okay," he addressed his Cici seriously, "you know Mommy and Daddy's work number."

"Yep," Cici nodded.

"And you have both cell phone numbers," Jim continued.

"Yep," Cici repeated.

"And your gramma's number?" Jim asked.

"Uh-huh," Cici replied.

"You know what, I'm just going to give you my phone, if anything happens, just call your mom," Jim said, digging out his phone.

"So, if I need to work a little late, is that going to be a problem?" Ryan asked Michael as his children assaulted him.

"Well... we try to close at six," Michael said earnestly. "But I guess we could stay open until six thirty."

"Do you think you stay open maybe a little later?" Ryan asked. "Like seven? Or maybe... ten?"

"Well..."

x

Ryan: I have a lot of projects going on... my Sapphic poetry readings, my Farmville buddies, my award-winning Little Big Planet levels... I just need a lot of time to focus on what's really important.

x

Sometime later...

"Okay, Walter won the candy-eating contest," Michael began.

"No surprise there," Dwight asserted.

"Shhhhut up," Michael whispered, then to the children said "so, Walter gets to be the Team Captain."

Cici raised her hand. "Who is the other team captain?"

"We're all on the same team," Michael replied.

Tyler raised a hand. "Why?"

"Because when we're all on the same team no one has to be picked last and feel bad about themselves," Michael explained. "Now..."

He was interrupted by Billy Merchant calling his name from the doorway.

Michael nodded. "Dwight, handle this until I get back."

Dwight nodded and watched him leave.

"Now, have any of you read the Hunger Games yet?" Dwight asked.

"What's the situation, Billy?" Michael asked when they were safely out of earshot.

"I still don't have a copy of your licenses," Billy said softly.

"My licenses?" Michael asked, who clearly had no idea what he was talking about.

Billy nodded. "We could get in a lot of trouble if we don't have those on display and I should really have a copy on file, too."

Michael felt the bottom drop out of his stomach. "I have my licenses... not here. I can get them for you, but right now I'm busy with the kids..."

"Of course," Billy nodded understandingly. "Just get it to me by the end of the day."

As he wheeled away, Michael threw up in his mouth, ever so slightly.

x

Michael: Why would you need a license to take care of children.

Thoughtful pause.

Michael: Do you know need a license to have a dog? Or to serve alcohol? No, you just need to have love...

He shakes his head.

Michael: I should have gone with my original idea and run my daycare out of my van.

To be continued? Let me know..