Outnumbered – Karen Joins the Guides Characters: Karen, Ben, Jake, Mum, Dad, Grandad
Karen: Mum, d'you remember when I wanted to be a Catholic?
Ben (interrupts) Yeah, then you found out that Popes are always men, so you'd never get to be the boss of all the Catholics…
Karen: Shut up Ben, I'M talking!
Ben: You're ALWAYS talking!
Grandad: You're ALL always talking, I'm trying to watch Hitler's Bodyguard!
Karen: (to Ben) No I'm not, YOU are! Anyway, my friend Maisie has joined the Guides, and she says that all the leaders are women, and the leaders' leaders are women, and the Chief Guide of all the leaders is a woman…so I want to be a guide!
Dad: (enthusiastically) I was in the Scouts, you know. They have girls in the Scouts now, you could join the Scouts!
Karen: (to Dad) Is the Chief Scout a man or a woman?
Dad: A man, it's Bear Grylls actually.
Ben: Bear Grylls is really cool, he eats snakes alive with his bare hands and sleeps in trees –
Jake (interrupts, looking up from texting) He sleeps in hotels with the film crew actually, and he spits the snakes out as soon as they stop filming.
Ben: WHAT? (thinks) Well that's alright, it just proves he's not stupid! Who'd eat a snake if you could go to a ten-star hotel and eat a million-course meal with posh food, like…(struggles to think of posh food)
Jake: (interrupts, sniggering) Like snails? (The family laugh, Ben looks puzzled)
Ben: (to Mum and Dad) people don't really eat snails in hotels, do they?
Grandad :( to himself) I ate snails in the war. They should never have let those Froggies do the cooking.
Karen: Anyway Mummy, were you in Guides?
Mum: (sheepishly) Well no, it was on the same night as swimming club actually and I wanted to get my…
Karen: (interrupting, sounding happy) Right then, I want to join the Guides!
Mum: Hang on a minute, are you saying you want to be a Guide because I WASN'T one?
Dad(quietly) Let it go.
Mum: No, come on Karen, why were you pleased I wasn't in the Guides? (Karen turns away from Mum and folds her arms, in a sulk.)
Karen: I'm just saying, it's good that you weren't in it. So you didn't make the promise. So you didn't break it when you killed the mouse!
Mum: Oh, not that BLASTED mouse again!
Dad: I thought we explained about that! We can't share our house with a rodent!
Karen: It wouldn't have taken up much room!
Mum: We couldn't have it nibbling all our food!
Karen: It wouldn't have eaten much!
Mum: It was doing its business on the floor!
Karen: So did Ben, and you didn't kill him!
Ben: ( indignantly) That's different, I was ill!
Jake: Mum, Dad, you're missing the point here. Karen wants to join the Guides. Guides go to Guide Camp. Every year. For a whole week. (The family falls silent for a minute.)
Dad :(heartily) So, when can you start? ( Karen turns back to see all her family suddenly looking pleased, and the only one glowering is herself!)