All The Things I Couldn't Say
I recently discovered Dark Angel. Watched a few episodes from season 2 and was intrigued by the relationship between Max and Alec.
This is a one shot. Alec is missing. Max's POV.
I don't own anything. For entertainment purposes only.
No sign of you, for six, whole days.
No smirks. No comebacks. No asinine remarks. No waggling eyebrows and suggestive comments. No one to punch or smack. No one tough enough to take my biting insults or sarcastic looks without flinching. No one with shoulders big enough to take the blame…the blame for everything. No one, for the last six days.
How could you have been so stupid…so brave…to lead them on a wild goose chase when you caught on you were being followed and they were heading straight for me? How could you leave me to look for you for six endless days and nights? Leave me wondering what they've done to you…my hope slowly dying with each passing hour. Wondering if you're cold, hurt or even alive…wondering if I'll ever see you again.
All of it, it's your fault. You were like a pest I couldn't seem to get rid of. You were constantly getting in my way, slowing me down, tripping me up. Weaseling your way into my life, hanging out in my periphery, making sure you were always nearby, watching me protectively. You kept coming back to take all the abuse I could heap on you. You never denied me anything and in turn never asked anything from me. I kept running away because I couldn't understand it until I fell…fell headlong right into your trap and I started to care.
From the moment you went missing, I was lost, cut adrift and barely floating. A dreadful ache overtook my secret heart and it's entirely your fault for suckering me into needing your stupid ass…into missing the flash of cockiness in those green orbs or your devil may care attitude.
What I would give to get you back, so I could kick your butt from here until next week. What I would give…
I'm jolted back to reality by the sound of anxious movements down on the floor. TC has been a frenzied hive of activity since you disappeared; everyone pitching in to man the phones and organize the search parties. But the buzz now is entirely different and it causes my skin to tingle from anticipation and apprehension all at once. I hear a shuffling sound and turn to see Joshua's face bathed in relief as he moves aside to let you by. TC has gone silent, everyone watches you weave your way into the command centre.
You look like shit; hair dirty and matted, clothes ripped, soiled and bloodied. Your face bruised and cut. Arms speckled with what resembles needle tracks. An acrid smell wafts towards me; part vomit, part urine, part sweat. Your body stiff and shrunken from lack of care and god knows what else they did to you, moving unsteadily, hands skimming against the wall, bracing yourself from falling over. The steely determination in your eyes lets everyone know you want to drag your own sorry ass to me and even Joshua dares not offer assistance.
The mere sight of you makes something deep inside me twist painfully, threatening to break me wide open. Your eyes, god, the desperate look in your eyes clutches at every string tied to my heart. I am frozen, afraid to move, terrified this is just a dream, but most of all, scared of what I'll do or say. Anxious faces peer back and forth between us, waiting to see who will break first. I am completely lost, unable to make a sound, unable to make the first move so, you…you, save me.
Almost effortlessly, you slip your mask on, become the old Alec and curl your mouth into your usual stupid grin. The grin I missed so much, the one that makes my heart lurch as I stare at it once again.
Your eyes study me; breathe me in and read every emotion running through me. You flash your understanding, sensing all the things I cannot say. I need not worry my secret is safe with you. You don't call me on it. Not here, not in front of everyone. With the slightest quirk, you let me off the hook.
"Miss me?" you rasp mischievously. Everyone within earshot smiles and breathes a sigh of relief as they think, 'it's Alec, he's alright, he's always alright'.
But they are blind. They can't understand that your lips whisper one thing while your eyes scream something else. I feel a raging battle between relief at getting you back and aching despair for what they've done to you; each side threatening to trample my fragile heart.
Everyone turns expectantly towards me, waiting for my reply, needing me to play my part in order to confirm that everything is right with the world. I don't know if I have it in me to be bitchy, angry and cruel. All it takes is a glimpse at your defiant stare, begging me not to let you down, not to let you break in front of everyone. I can hear your voice in my head, taunting me, 'C'mon, Maxie, you can do better than that.'
And I can, so I do it for you; purse my lips into an angry scowl, grit my teeth as I barely manage to hiss out, "Don't – ever – do – that - again."
You don't flinch at the harshness of my words, all your energy focused on remaining upright. The room falls silent and Joshua stares expectantly but neither of us is able to speak. The tension in the room becomes unbearable and he starts to steer everyone out. He manages one last look before taking his leave and closing the door behind him.
Six days, I thought you were dead.
Six days for me to think about all the things I would say if I got you back.
And here you are, all desperate and broken, your mask melting away as you choke out, "I would do it a thousand times over for you, Maxie."
With that lone sentence, my resolve shatters and a silent sob escapes as I step towards you. And all the things I couldn't say are contained in every cell in my body, in my trembling hands as I fist your tattered tee shirt and pull you into me after six long days. In the way I bury my head into your shoulder and cry mercilessly. In the way my heart flutters as I press against your chest, holding you so tight as if to never let you go.
You tentatively wrap your arms around me, gentling my sobs, caressing my trembling back, easing the stabbing pain in my heart, shushing me tenderly as you whisper, "I know," over and over again.