A/N: Hello, darlings. Here's that chapter of Blur that I've been dying to share with you! I'm excited. Also, if you like Blur (and crazy Bella) you might enjoy Destructive Desire. It's incomplete currently, but Blur is the prequel to it. Oh, who am I kidding, all four of my lovely reviewers know that already. Alright, I'm rambling. On with the chapter! Enjoy. xx
It was such a waste to get my entire Winter Formal appearance ready. It was also such a waste for Benjamin to book a hotel room (without the consent of my mother and stepfather) and flowers and everything for the Winter Formal. I would not be attending the Winter Formal, but Benjamin still didn't know that. He was such a romantic. It was a shame that he'd never get to pour his heart out to me even more at and after the dance. I mean, I was ready, and he was, too. Ready to take the next step. How much would it hurt him to know that we wouldn't?
I decided that this Saturday night I would finally tell him that I was moving to Forks over winter break. That would be in a month, but time passed quickly for me. I would be out of Phoenix and in the dreariness of Forks, Washington in so little time.
Benjamin would be the first person I would tell that I was moving. I hadn't even told Drake, or Lucy, or Carlie and Kelly. I felt like an asshole.
I went to Benjamin's house that night, like I did every Saturday night. His parents always went out to banquets, and they always poured themselves into bed at dawn. They never noticed I was there.
Benjamin and I lay in his backyard and smoked weed. We even drank some beer. The usual. I crawled into the blanket with him once we were good and high, and snuggled up to him.
"Can I tell you something?" I asked him as I looked up at the stars.
"I'm moving," I said.
He was silent for a while, like I had told him I was pregnant or something, which wasn't at all true. "Where?" he finally asked, turning to me.
"Forks, Washington, to live with my dad."
His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What?"
"I was born there. I'm going back."
"Why, though?" he asked.
"Renee and Phil are going to move around a lot. I want to maintain a stable life," I explained.
"And when are you leaving?"
"After winter break."
"So, I'll have to go to the Winter Formal alone? Because that's after winter break, you know."
I nodded. Then I looked at him straight in the eyes. "Benjamin, I'm sorry."
"It's okay," he said. But I saw in his eyes that it really wasn't okay to him. I felt like the worst friend ever.
I kissed Benjamin on the lips. It was a soft, graceful, experienced kiss. It wasn't out of fear, or hope, or uncertainty. It was out of love. Maybe it wasn't the right kind of love, since I was not in love with Benjamin, but I still felt love. His breath smelled like pot, but so did mine, so I had no right to complain.
"Let's go up to my room," he said softly.
"Okay," I mumbled.
Benjamin and I were in his room in only about a minute. I could see him just enough in the dim light. I stripped off my lace top, peeled off my dark skinny jeans, and threw them in the corner of the bedroom. Wordlessly, Benjamin slipped off his clothes, too, leaving him in his underwear. He was absolutely beautiful. Then he pressed me to the wall and kissed me, hard. Like he'd never see me again. And in a way, he wouldn't. He may see me in the future, but like this? The way that I was? He wouldn't.
We made our way to his bed, and continued kissing as we lay there, me on top of him. This wasn't new - we'd seen each other this stripped before. Even naked. We'd just never gone all the way. And I was perfectly fine with that.
He got me ready. Really, really ready. The foreplay ensued as we teased and tugged at each other's emotions and limits and hearts. He removed the rest of what I was wearing, and then touched me in all the right places. He knew me. I reacted a little differently than how I thought I would react, though. He knew what I liked. And I knew what he liked. It was quite a shame that I didn't love him as much as I should have.
Then he did something that he'd never done before when we were this hot and intimate. He looked at me straight in the eyes. I could feel his heart beating hard against my body.
"Tell me you want me, Bella," he whispered, his voice out of breath. "Tell me you love me. Then I'll know what we're doing is right."
My eyes burned into his. A wave of realization swept over me. A single tear rolled down my right cheek. I wanted my answer to be so different, but I had to be honest with Benjamin. At least, I had to be honest this time.
"I can't, Benjamin. I'm not ready."
Benjamin followed me as I stormed out of his house. I wasn't even mad at him; I was mad at myself.
Only a few minutes ago, I was so ready to give everything and more about myself to him. I had been so ready to let him have me. I had been so ready to surrender.
Truth be told, I was anything but ready.
I wasn't sure what the fuck happened, or maybe I was just a total bitch, but I wanted my first time to be more... romantic. And I didn't have Winter Formal to look forward to. It wasn't the time and place that made me realize I wasn't ready. It was the person.
Benjamin wasn't the one.
He was so cute, sweet, caring, confident, such a romantic, and nearly perfect, but he wasn't the one.
"Don't push me into this," I warned him as he followed me out of his house. "I've punched a guy before."
"I'm not, Bella," he said once we were out on his porch. "I just wanna understand."
"Why don't you, though?" I still couldn't face him. I was crying a little and my face was all hot.
"I don't know... I thought you loved me," he said.
"I guess I don't, then," I said bleakly.
"Do you just wanna talk?" he offered. "I don't want you to leave yet."
I turned to him. "Can't you see that we can't be together like that, Benjamin? Can't you see that you're just not the one for me? You can't make me fall in love with you."
"Are you serious?" he asked quietly.
"Are you stupid?!" I snapped. "Leave me alone, Benjamin. Please. I don't know why I liked you in the first place, and I don't even know why you started liking me back. I just cannot do this." I started walking to my house.
"Bye, Bella," he called to me.
I quietly went into my house. I ran upstairs and shut my door with as much force as I could put out of my body. I was so mad and confused at everything.
I turned my iPod on, put my headphones over my ears, and turned up my music as loud as it could go, drowning out everything I could.
I was woken from my dreamless sleep after what seemed like not much later. I was being shaken awake urgently. "Bella," a familiar voice said, their voice shaking. "Bella, wake up!"
I jolted awake to see Carlie, whom I had not seen in such a long time.
"Oh my God, what the fuck are you doing here?" I asked her.
"Come with me," she said, "Benjamin's in trouble."
"Can't this wait until the morning?" I asked her, yawning.
Carlie shook her head. "Come on, get up."
A minute later, we were pacing down the street. We made a sharp right turn and there I saw three police cars and an ambulance.
And a totaled, shiny black Corvette.
With a telephone pole going straight through it.
"Babe... you're okay. You're okay, baby. I promise."
He wasn't okay. He looked at me, emotionless, when he was being pulled into the ambulance on his stretcher.
His parents weren't even there to go to the emergency room with him.
The police officers wouldn't let me go.
They just questioned me. Like I actually wanted to answer their stupid questions about what I was doing when he crashed.
I made Carlie drive me to the hospital later. I had to see him.
They said they did everything they could to keep him alive.
"That's bullshit!" I'd screamed at the doctor. If they had really done everything, he wouldn't have been a corpse in front of my eyes. He would have been smiling and alive and thankful that I was there.
I was there when he died. He didn't flash one last smile at me. He gave my hand one last squeeze, though. I'd held his hand as long as I could at the emergency room.
Those were the hardest minutes of my life. Maybe even the hardest last few minutes of his.
He was pronounced dead on Sunday, November 23, 2008, at 2:48am. It wasn't a suicide attempt, like I'd thought (and still did); he was under the influence of drugs and alcohol while driving.
Drugs, alcohol, and a sports car are a bad combination.
Carlie took me home early that morning, at around three-fifteen. I wasn't sure why I'd stuck around. Benjamin was dead, and he wasn't coming back. But I wanted to believe, believe, believe.
Why couldn't it have been me? I thought during the car ride home. Why couldn't it have been anyone but him?
I couldn't sleep when I got home. All I could do was rock back in forth on my bed, wanting to be high again so bad. In fact, being high wouldn't help me. I wanted to be dead. Like Benjamin. I wanted him to come back, so I could kill myself. He did not deserve death.
What was worse was that I had caused his death. If I had stayed with Benjamin, if I had had sex with him, he wouldn't have died. But instead, I'd said no, went back home, and he'd driven off and crashed right through a telephone pole at seventy miles per hour.
All because of me denying him.
The first time I'd said no to someone I cared about, that person died.
Call me Yes Girl.
A/N: Well, that's what I've been excited to write for you guys. I know, it was weird. BUT the story's not over yet. I've got about... hmm... three more chapters left? Maybe four. Stay tuned. Now you know what to do. Gimme all your love in a review, tell me what you think, be honest.