Saturday Nights

"You… are totally hot," Ruby said, pointing somewhere between Emma and Regina with one hand, a half-empty bottle of whiskey in the other.

It was Saturday night, and as everyone knew, Saturday night was also called Get Ruby Hammered in the Club and Watch Her Pretend to Be a Puppy Night. Emma wasn't actually going to go at first, but when Ashley whispered a charming story in her ear about how one of those nights Ruby ended up dressed only in Christmas lights and singing the theme from Home Alone, Emma had to admit this was the kind of opportunity you don't want to miss. Granted, Ruby didn't let herself be the only one who got publicly humiliated, but with her ability to control her liquor seriously lacking, she usually got to that point way sooner than the rest of them.

"Which one of us?" the slightly tipsy Emma asked cheerfully, earning herself a murderous look from the mayor.

"Both, but I was referring to - hic - Madam Her Moroseness of Upper Mylookskillstan," Ruby slurred in response and laughed hysterically. "Get it? Because - hic - if looks could kill—"

Then she would long since be dead, buried in the mayor's own backyard.

"And on that note, I'm leaving," Regina said, getting up just as the next song started to play. She wasn't sure how it happened, really; one minute she was spewing fiery remarks at Emma for supporting her son's positively insane theories, following her down the street (much like a reverse déjà vu of the night of the fire) and the next she found herself being pulled inside the bar by Ashley, who seemed to think there was no better way for her to blow off steam. Emma joined in with a 'why not' and ordered a glass of cider for Regina just to finally shut her up, probably hoping she would leave. That alone was enough to get Regina to stay.

It felt less like inspecting her enemies' behavior and more like being an exotic parrot in an exhibition.

"Regiinuuuuuuuh," Ruby whined, reaching for the mayor's arm to stop her and missing completely. However, she achieved her goal anyway, because sure enough, Regina stopped and looked at her as if she were contemplating whether to send for someone to get the waitress into an asylum. "It was meant to be a compliment. Like, you're really pretty, you know?"

Yes, this was definitely one of those days when Regina just couldn't deal with the amount of stupidity in the world, she thought, rubbing the bridge of her nose. She could see Ashley giggling like a maniac and recording the whole event on her iPhone from the corner of her eye.

"I'd go to great len… lent…" Ruby slurred, having obvious trouble with the word, "Lengths," she pumped her fist in the air in victory, "To see if those babies are real," she finished, pointing somewhere definitely lower than Regina's eyes. Emma burst out laughing hysterically at the sheer embarrassment written all over Regina's face. "And I know for a fact you feel the same way about these," she continued, running her hands over her own breasts in a seductive manner. The fact that she chose to wear a shirt similar to her waitress top - if it deserved to be called a shirt at all, more like a civil bra - definitely helped her cause there.

Emma and Ashley both knew they were undoubtedly going to be found dead in the woods tomorrow morning and could vividly imagine the cause 'mysterious circumstances' writing itself in their obituary, but they couldn't help crying because they were laughing so hard.

Regina opened her mouth to say something, then closed it, and repeated the process several times before uttering "Your friend has clearly had enough. I suggest you get her out of here before she hurts herself." Then she turned to leave again.

"Oh come on! You're giving up now?" Emma called out after her over the music, clearly enjoying herself more than she should.

Regina narrowed her eyes. Giving up? That was never an option in Regina Mills' book. Now? Much less. Then an idea manifested inside her mind - an idea she wasn't willing to let go, not in front of Emma Swan.

The smirk on her face could easily be classified as luciferian, no less, as she calmly walked over to Ruby - who was staring at her wide-eyed, unsure what to expect in her drunken haze - lifted her chin up and kissed her.

Emma and Ashley's jaw dropped at once as they watched (and recorded) Regina very much schooling Ruby in a vicious battle of tongues. Regina's hand moved to the back of Ruby's neck and pulled the younger woman closer while her other hand squeezed one of Ruby's breasts, eliciting a loud moan - only made louder by the amount of alcohol that was coursing through Ruby's veins at the moment. Then Regina suddenly broke the kiss and pulled away (and by then it looked like the grin would stick on her face for the rest of her life). "Real. Now I know, and you still don't," she said in a childish voice that would make anyone spontaneously burst into flames - her mockery could only be made clearer if she patted Ruby's head - and even though she was looking directly into Ruby's (greatly confused) eyes, somehow the rest of the ensemble didn't feel as left out of the conversation as they would have preferred. She walked away, leaving the three to deal with what they had witnessed, and one of them felt, on their own.

Regina thought she now knew what the big fuss about Saturday nights was all about.