Disclaimer: 'Alias' and its characters are the property of ABC, Touchstone, J.J. Abrams etc. I'm writing this story for entertainment purpose only. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's note: At the moment I'm working on a fanfic with a real plot, which I hope to finish and post on this site soon. This fanfic is just something in between and I hope you will like it.
In The Netherlands we just started the first season of Alias, so I'm unfamiliar with changing plots or important (shipper) scenes. If I've got something wrong, please remember that!
English is not my native/first language. If you find an annoying writing error in this story, please email me (instead of mentioning it in a review) and I will correct it immediately. Thanks!
I wish he could hold me.
I want to put my arms around her, run my hands through her hair and caress her face. I wish I could give her my strength, so that she would believe that everything is going to be all right.
I don't believe anything anymore.
It's the look in her eyes.
Will always said that my eyes give me away. Not my face, I'm a born liar, which comes in handy in my line of work. I can trick people, make them believe that I'm someone I'm not. But when you look into my eyes, you will see the truth.
It's so entirely different from the day she walked into the building, into my life. Back then she was so fanatical. Her eyes sparkled with the eager to bring the whole organization down.
Bringing SD-6 down was all I wanted to fight for.
That is gone now. Despair has taken over. She's been through too much.
I feel washed out. SD-6 has squeezed me out.
We have squeezed her out.
I have become nothing more than a marionette to them.
Her life consists only of SD-6, the CIA and…
…And my father. The man I want to get to know better, but who doesn't let me and instead brutally pushes me away every time I get too close.
Her father, our other double spy. How ironic can life be? For two people, father and daughter, who hadn't seen each other for years, who were both leading separate lives, only to find out that their lives were linked beyond their imagination. Both working for SD-6, both working for the CIA.
All that time we were so close and yet we're still so far away. The lies and deception that destroyed my life separate us. Everything I ever believed in was a lie. My father, the corporation I work for…
And if the deception wasn't enough, they had to kill her fiancé as well.
Danny, my love. They killed him. The man I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with.
I sometimes envy him, because even though he's dead, he's still so much a part of her and I can't be.
My father knew of it. He knew they were going to kill Danny.
What must have gone through her mind when her father told her the truth about her fiancé?
Confusion, disgust, rage and…guilt took over me.
Certainly guilt. They killed him because she made the mistake of sharing a part of her life with him, a part that was supposed to be secret, but in a moment of love and trust was revealed with devastating consequences.
It hurts. I try to hide that pain. Every day I go on, working with people who are responsible for Danny's death, and I pretend that nothing is wrong.
She still suffers. It radiates from her no matter how hard she tries to cover it. She's bleeding for her loss and the betrayal that has overshadowed her life.
I haven't dealt with his death yet. I still wear his ring. I don't know why. Probably because in that way he's still with me. I can keep on hoping that one day I will wake up and realize that it was just a bad dream.
She's living a nightmare, one that starts over and over again every day.
When I get up in the morning and look in the mirror I see the stripes left behind by the tears that run down my cheeks every night as disturbing thoughts and images keep me awake. My face is pale and I have dark bags under my eyes. I can wash my face and put some make-up on. I can cover up any trace of sadness, but it's only a disguise.
The pain is clearly written in her eyes, her voice and her pose. Nothing can wipe that away.
Sometimes I wish I could talk about it, to let someone in on how I feel, but I can't.
I don't think I want her to talk about everything that's happened, because I wouldn't know what to say. What is there to say?
No words can bring back what has been taken from me.
It's the same now. There's so much I want to say to her, so much I want to do, but I can't seem to find the right words.
Although his presence is comforting, I can't help but be afraid that people might see us together, that I will be exposed as the double spy that I am.
But that doesn't mean that my body isn't aching to touch her, to comfort her. My heart breaks when I see the tears streaming down her face. I wish I could brush them away, do anything to decrease her pain.
We have to stay here, with the safe distance between us as if we're just two people on the same place both enjoying the view.
It's strange. In so little time she has become so important to me. I didn't mean for it to happen.
Everything's already so complicated.
But the thought that something can happen to her, that I will lose her, is unbearable. I try to stay as professional around her as possible, and I think I'm doing a good job, but there's something between us. I can't define it.
I do not dare to define the confusing feelings he sometimes brings about in me. I can't deal with those feelings right now. Not after all that has happened, or with all that still lies ahead of us.
There's no point in hoping that maybe one day we will…
It's only wishful thinking.
We will never have a relationship like normal people. We will never go to the theatre or have an ordinary cappuccino together.
That day will never come. Not until SD-6 is completely shut down and I will have my life back. But I can't see that to happen in the near future.
And so there's nothing I can do for her than listen and try to be the friend she has to miss. The only one who knows about her secret life, the only one who understands her struggle…But also the only one who can never get close to her.
I hope you liked my story. Please let me know what you think of it. Just remember that this is my first Alias fanfic, so please be kind. I can take criticism, as long as it's serious and well founded. Thank you! - Karin -