A/N: Silliness and watching that Brave and the Bold episode where Green Arrow, Captrain Marvel and Plastic Man try to be Batman…
Crisis of Infinite Batmans
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Chapter 0: In Which The Bad Guys Are So Screwed
Disclaimer: Batman was created by Bob Kane, and currently belongs to DC. But oh, when he becomes public domain…
"I'm almost sorry for the poor schmucks," Flash commented, sitting next to Shayera and watching the tableau before him. He thought about it. "No, no I AM sorry. Those poor idiots will never know what hit them."
None of Batmans before him seemed to hear, though he suspected Clark Wayne, the Kryptonian Batman heard him perfectly well.
"Ssshhhhh, I'm watching," she said, munching on popcorn and looking like she was watching the greatest show on Earth. The rest of the League similarly hung back, in the presence of masters of their craft. It was like a dozen Shakespeares had come together to create the greatest book, movie, video game, and play ever. Sometimes you just had to hang back and see beauty created before your eyes. Though from the speculative looks Diana was making, that wasn't the only thing she was thinking.
"– my scrying spells have found our enemies here, within the Everglade swamps," said the Batmage, master of dark magic.
Their own Batman nodded, holding out his own report. Flash had a sneaky suspicion they ALL already knew everything, this was just to make sure, in that Bat-way of theirs, that they were all on the same page. "Scans indicate a heavily armored and armed structure, where the Dimensional Phase Inducer seems to have been rigged."
The slightly paunchy Batman who had honest-to-goodness eyebrows drawn on his cowl slammed a shiny-gloved fist melodramatically into his other hand. "Those fiends! Setting up their nefarious operation in the natural habitats of several endangered species! If we don't put a stop to them, they will endanger the entire swamp with their pollution!"
All the other Batmans gave him a flat "Well, DUH Captain Obvious, we just discussed that and I think you might be missing the point" look, even the young one wearing a red bat and no cape and the cute little Chibi one that reminded Flash of a Batman-version of Calvin. Honestly, this Batman didn't seem all there, but the others tolerated him, mostly because his utility belt conveniently held literally anything they might possibly need.
Bat-Lantern held up his ring, scowling at what it showed him. "My ring is picking up an increase in phase-space disruption," he said. "We don't have much time."
Batman lowered his hands, his holographic displays all containing labels that read "Warning: Dimensional Disruption". "Agreed," he said, hefting Raging Heart. Seeing a white, gold and pink colored Batman had been almost funny. Seeing a white, gold and pink colored Batman shoot what he called a Starlight Breaker had been terrifying, though many of the other Batmans looked mildly disapproving at this use of magic, almost as much as they disapprove of the Cowboy Batman and his revolvers. "Robin, How's Bat-hound?"
A blonde girl in a black Robin outfit with long childish pigtails looked up from her sleeping red puppy amidst the other Robins on the other side of room, all doing Robin-y things. "She's fine, Batman-sama!"
Next to her, the 17 year-old Robin who was the only other Robin showing off his legs also slammed his fist into his palm. "Holy Legions Batmans, what are we waiting for!-?"
"Patience, old chum," Eyebrows Batman said, sounding like a philosopher giving discourse. "Patience is a virtue, which we as crimefighters must nurture, lest we be urged towards rash action."
Flash had to keep himself from laughing all over again as the other Batmans gave him another look he seemed to remain oblivious to.
"Can we keep that one?" Diana asked.
It was the most terrifying land battle in all of human history.
The army of mooks and henchmen courtesy of Kobra, Cobra and the Leagues of Assasins and Shadows took one look at the opposition, and turned to look at their bosses. About half screamed, "Screw this, I'm out of here!" and ran in all directions.
The rest were met by enough Batmans to make a Justice League. Wonder Bat, one of the few female versions of Batman, swung her golden Lasso, while Batman ½ let loose with her martial arts, her teenaged girl form activated by all the swamp water, as Evangelion Unit B.A.T and the Batgundam tried to break through the base's force field, with Bat-Lantern and Lyrical Magical Batman providing aerial bombardment. An orange-clad Batman with blonde hair summoned an army of shadow clones while a Batman with a wand shot "Expelliarmus" everywhere and another with a long ash staff charged into battle with lightning and followed by a harem of teenage girls, some of whom were recognizable as Poison Ivy, Roxy Rocket, Harley Quinn, Catwoman, and– shudder– a teenaged girl version of the Joker wielding a crowbar. The Batman with the straw hat bounced all over the place, arms and legs stetrching absurdly while another Batman fought by somehow summoning infinite swords in his hands, a blonde woman in a blue dress and armor by his side.
Superman, Diana, J'onn, Flash, Shayera and Green Lantern all sat some distance away, eating popcorn. "Best. Show. EVER!" Flash said.
Then at least 3 Batgods joined in, and shit got real…
- The End!
A/N: Sue me, I found it a funny idea.
Please review, C&C welcome.
Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.