Wishes and Windmills
A.N.- I am a nervous E.C. right now. I don't know why. It probably has something to do with the fact that I haven't written anything not intended to be M or MA in like… forever. I hope it's good. Reviews would be highly appreciated and constructive criticism welcomed.
Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha or barbie, or barbie bandaids. :)
. . . O. . .
People say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
Those people were idiots.
Sitting alone at the restaurant, the ice in her drink having melted away hours ago, Kagome realizes this. Those people were probably the ones who had never lost anything, or the ones who had never truly knew what love was in the first place.
"Ma'am, are you ready to order now?"
"…No, that's okay… You can just charge me for the drink. I-I think I'll be leaving."
As Kagome watches the waiter walk off to bring her check, not before giving her a look filled to the brim with pity, she continues with her train of thought.
Thinking of something else is the only thing holding back the tears.
No, those people had no idea what they were talking about because Kagome knew without a doubt that if they had loved like she had loved Taisho Sesshoumaru… they could have never coined such a thing.
. . .O. . .
From the very first time she'd met him she'd been a goner. He'd had silver locks and amber eyes more beautiful than any doll's she'd ever seen. She was a feisty 4 year old and he a sour 6. He'd ran his fingers through his bangs and then pulled her hair. She'd kicked him in the shin.
It was just like a fairytale.
He was her newly made best friend's mean older half-brother. According to Inuyasha, Sesshoumaru hated his guts and according to Sesshoumaru she was guilty by association.
Back then he'd had a childishly strong stubborn streak so his mind had not changed about her for almost a whole two days, but eventually she'd made some leeway.
She could still remember the day she crafted him that construction paper wind-mill in elementary school. It was made in his favorite color, red, and was so lopsided and disfigured that it would have taken a hurricane to spin it but she'd put her very heart into its creation just for him. She had the Barbie Band-Aid covered papercuts to prove it.
And secretly, she'd wished on it too.
Her little heart had been hammering in her chest as she ran down the hall to his bedroom. Inuyasha had gone to the bathroom so it had to be done quick. Luckily he wasn't there and she'd placed it on his windowsill.
When she turned around to leave he had been standing just inside his doorframe. She'd been forced to make a mad dash by him. If she ran fast enough, she was sure it would be just as if she'd never been there at all.
The next day as she walked by his room to get to Inuyasha's, it had still been there. Not stomped on or balled up in the trash, but exactly where she'd left it. The next day too, and every day she checked afterwards. Of course he'd never said thank you and by the looks of it, he hadn't even touched it either but that was okay.
She had won over his indifference and she had known that it wouldn't be much longer until she won over his heart.
. . .O. . .
In middle school when all the girls giggled behind their hands and whispered secrets about who they loved, Kagome kept her mouth shut.
They all thought it was dumb of her to believe in such childish things but she knew that wishes never came true if you spoke them aloud. So she remained quiet. Besides he was an eighth grader and she was in the sixth. It was unheard of! And they hung out in extremely different crowds.
Even so, she could still remember the day she broke through his indifference. Inuyasha had been sick and had missed school so she didn't have her normal protection, her body guard around.
She was trying hard not to cry. So what if she wore glasses, and had braces, and got good grades? She didn't know why those things hurt when they teased her about them, but they did. Just before her first tear fell she heard his voice.
"Leave her alone," was all he said.
He didn't look at her or truly wait to see if they listened before running a hand through his bangs and walking to his next class but it had been enough. Even if they hadn't left her alone like they did after that, she couldn't have shed any tears.
It would probably be a stretch to say he cared, but she was getting there.
. . . O . . .
Her never fading love had been there every day in high school though she hardly ever got the chance to see him. She even found herself laughing for missing their youthful spats. At least you typically got to lay your eyes on the person who pulled your hair.
But by the time she was a freshman he had already been a junior. When she went over Inuyasha's, less frequently since he now had a girlfriend but still enough that they were just as close as they'd always been, Sesshoumaru's door was always closed or he was out driving with his older friends.
In school she couldn't have even dared to compete with the girls trying to get his attention. Not because she wasn't pretty enough, the glasses and braces were gone and her awkward stage had been long over. She couldn't compete because there were Just. Too. Many. Of. Them.
Beautiful or plain, chaste or indiscriminate, popular or socially inept… it didn't matter. Every girl loved Sesshoumaru, except she knew they really didn't. They didn't even know what loving him felt like.
But still every time he got a new girlfriend, too many times to count, her heart would nearly break. She couldn't help it if she envied them, they were so close to taking all her dreams away. She still wished.
And then came her sophomore year homecoming dance. He was a senior and practically untouchable.
She was sitting on the sidelines, miserable. It wasn't that she had even really liked the junior Kouga like that but it still hurt to be thrown away. He'd begged her and she'd said yes. It shouldn't have mattered if his ex-girlfriend decided she wanted him back during the middle of the dance. Disregarding Kagome had been just plain rude. She'd told him so.
Since she didn't have a car and she certainly wasn't getting into one with Kouga now, she sat and watched everyone else have fun, waiting for Inuyasha and his date, since she was old enough to drive, for a ride home. She didn't even look over when someone sat down beside her.
"Didn't you come with that kid Kouga?" he asked, not looking at her.
She couldn't help the small smile that came to her lips despite the subject. She'd always know his voice, even if it had grown more velvety over the years.
"Yeah, I did," she said softly.
"He's an idiot."
Kagome looked towards where Sesshoumaru was gazing. Ayame, Kouga's ex-girlfriend, was already screaming at him over something. The smack could be heard over the still playing music.
"Yeah, I know," Kagome laughed.
When she turned to look over at Sesshoumaru his amber eyes were staring directly into hers and her heart fluttered. He looked wonderful in a tux. She wondered where was his date was.
"You need a ride home."
Strangely, it wasn't a question but she replied as if it was.
"Are you offering?"
He shrugged and then ran his fingers through his bangs.
"This dance is boring me. Let's go."
The car ride was silent but Kagome couldn't really tell over the blood rushing in her ears or the thump of her heart in her chest. If she hadn't already come to the conclusion, she did just as she was leaving his car.
Sesshoumaru grabbed her wrist.
"Your standards should not be that low. You deserve better than him," he said seriously.
"Yes I do." I deserve you.
He nodded, letting go.
After he drove off, Kagome had come to the conclusion.
. . . O. . .
Sesshoumaru went to college and Kagome still had two more years of high school. For her they seemed to go by agonizingly slow and yet so quickly, she couldn't remember a thing about them.
She couldn't afford the university Sesshoumaru got into and though she received many scholarships, none had been to that school. In all honestly, she hadn't even really been trying to follow him. He had just so happened to go to her first choice school. She'd thought it had been fate. It hurt twice as bad that she wasn't able to get in because of money issues.
Instead she went to her second choice, away from the man she had never stopped loving and on a full academic scholarship.
When she came home after her first year of college, the first thing she did was go to see her now, past, and forever best friend Inuyasha.
She had called beforehand. Surprisingly, he'd still managed to not be home.
They fell into conversation with an ease that belayed their past. She talked the most but he spoke too, the sound sending sparks to dance across her skin. And sometimes he'd laugh, a rich deep short chuckle that reminded her chocolate and everything else that could be both good for you and bad, and once he even smiled.
She thought he really needed to smile more. Before that breathtaking moment she had been sure he couldn't have been any more beautiful. Feeling strangely bold and feathery light, she told him so.
Both his eyebrows rose at her words and she shifted, turned away, blushing.
After a few indiscreet glances, she watched him run his hands through his bangs and frown slightly. She wondered why but just as he was about to open his mouth, Inuyasha came home. During their reunion, Sesshoumaru slipped away.
Coming home after her second year of college, she repeated her actions, going to see Inuyasha. They had hugged and talked, shared stories that they had not previously on the many phone conversations they'd had. It was when the front door downstairs opened, that Inuyasha's face fell.
"He's not supposed to be here yet," he'd said frantically, yet under his breath.
Kagome smiled to herself. Sesshoumaru was back home from his final year of college. She could hear his rich baritone downstairs along with their mother's, well Sesshoumaru's stepmom, their dad's, and… someone else's?
Inuyasha said her name so softly, as if she was the most fragile thing in the world, and she was afraid she might disappear.
"What is it? What's wrong?"
But before he could answer, Kagome heard their mother's ecstatic yell.
"You're getting married!"
Kagome wished that she could disappear, wished she could fade out of existence.
. . .O. . .
When Kagome graduated from college, Sesshoumaru had already been married for a year. It had broken her; her faith, her hope, her childish beliefs in wishes… her heart. Picking up the pieces had been hard. Perhaps, she had been a fool for as long as she could remember, that was how long she had loved him anyway.
She found a job quickly after college but hadn't found it in her to date for three years. When she finally did, she met a nice guy. First he was sweet, then he'd cared, and after only a year he'd grown to love her. Though Kagome couldn't help but think that he'd never pulled her hair or protected her from bullies, that he'd never driven her home after her first rejection or smiled in a way that she'd never forget, she knew that if maybe she had fallen asleep on a different night Hojou could have been her dream instead. But that hadn't happened, he wasn't, and yet she'd still said yes.
Kagome was getting married to Hojou.
. . . O . . .
"You've got to tell my folks too, we're like your second family!"
Inuyasha dragged her to his parent's house. He had become somewhat estranged and hadn't even visited in over a year. Since he felt like a bad son, she supposed he was making her feel like a bad daughter too; the selfish, lovable, lout.
She thought that when she'd told his parents it would have been the most important part of her day like it had been when she'd told her family. She'd been wrong.
A little overheard information had spun her whole pieced togethered world around.
She hadn't asked for any news about Sesshoumaru in four years. For the first year of his marriage when she was still in college she'd held some pitiful kind of hope, he'd been married for five but she had never counted it that way. Well at least she had thoughthe'd been married for five. Apparently, Sesshoumaru had been divorced since the year before.
Kagome promptly forgot how to breathe and dropped her glass on Inuyasha's mother's beautiful wooden floor.
. . . O. . .
She didn't know what to do. She would be chasing a shadow wouldn't she? She had moved on hadn't she? It had just been a young, extremely good at lingering, crush. Even thinking about it was preposterous. She had a new life, she wasn't the little girl she once was anymore and he not the same little boy.
It was ridiculous! She was engaged. She loved… she loved?
Kagome broke off her engagement without another thought.
Hojou deserved someone who loved him the way he loved her, the way she loved Sesshoumaru.
. . . O. . .
And that was how Kagome found herself alone in a restaurant, empty again, broken again.
She'd contacted him. Sure it was through email but it was his work email and Inuyasha said that his mother said that Sesshoumaru was a workaholic. There was no way that he wouldn't get it.
She had poured her heart out in that email, given every sappy stupid detail from the moment they'd met to the moment he'd unknowingly shattered her heart. Maybe that hadn't been the way to go... Perhaps she could have called or…
No, it didn't matter.
If Sesshoumaru had wanted her, if he had even wanted to try and want her, he would have shown up. All he had to do was show up…
Two hours past the time when she'd informed him she'd be waiting, Kagome was paying for a warm soda that she had barely drank and thinking about love and loss and idiots.
As she quickly got up and headed for the door, her eyes were already blurry from the tears she'd been frantically holding back for so long. It was because of this that she didn't see the suit-clad chest until she'd run into it.
"I'm so…" She trailed off, unable to finish her apology. There were bright amber eyes staring down at her and she wondered if maybe she was dying… or perhaps… living too… hard? Whichever it was, she couldn't breathe.
"No… I'm sorry. My daughter Rin... she was sick last week and I took off from work. I normally do not… my inbox was flooded and—"
Kagome stared silently, unbelieving. He looked almost the same except...was he nervous? She'd never heard him talk so much.
"I did not receive your email until thirty minutes before the time you set. I had to leave work. There was traffic… and I had to stop at home first."
"…Sesshoumaru?" she blinked, confused. Was he really here? Was she just daydreaming still sitting alone at the table? Was he rambling?
He ran his fingers through his bangs.
Had that been a nervous tick All. These. Years?
"Kagome… I… you forgot about something in your email."
Furrowing her brows, she took in his words. No… she was pretty sure she had not. In fact, for the past two hours she'd felt mortified because of all she'd said.
She was just about to dispute it but then he opened up his briefcase, taking something out, and she couldn't speak.
How did he?
All this time?
There, in his hand was the construction paper windmill she had made him so long ago. It was faded, pink not red, and slightly more lopsided than even she remembered but it was definitely it and he'd kept it.
He was still talking, explaining, rambling, when Kagome looked up into his eyes, her smile dazzling.
It was just two words, a secret she had kept for too long, and Sesshoumaru gave her one of those breathtaking smiles that she could never forget and then swiftly, he did.
And it was perfect.
It was a childishly simple wish, that had been worth it.
. . . O. . .
Like I said before, reviews and constructive criticism welcomed :)- E.C.