Just a little One Shot of the two guys (Roach and Ghost) cleaning out a warehouse that supposedly has military supplies, old ones. Well, why would those two have a normal day? Unless I use names, you can feel free to put any guy to the banter. Oh, and they are very often out of character.
Warming-I am not responsible for any groans at corny laughter, giggles at something actually funny, or any smiles that you may have while reading this.
A is for Ammo
"Hey, Ghost, do you think you can pass me some of that ammo?"
"Why would I do that?"
"Because you love me."
"Say that again, and this bullet goes through your head."
"Ghost looooves me-"
"Uh, Ghost, that was pretty close to my head."
"I know. Shut up now."
B is for Bug
"Hey, Roach, help me move this crate"
"Sure thing, Ghost. Hey, wait, what's this on my shoe…"
"Ghost, wait! I think it's a… OH MY GOD IT'S A STINKBUG!"
"Shut the fuck up!"
"OH FUCK, I THINK IT JUST CRAWLED UP MY PANTS!"
"I hope it stays there and eats your dick. Well, assuming you have one."
"Thanks a lot. I hope it finds you in your sleep and eats you."
C is for C4
"Hmm… Looks like we have a few C4 back here. "
"Cool. Do you think they still work?"
"They're freaking explosives. Of course they still work."
"You sure? Don't want to get into the middle of battle and whoops! It doesn't work!"
"Okay. If you're so sure they don't work, why don't I set one over here next to you?"
"Umm, no need to be hasty! Just a thought. I'm sure they're fine."
"Whatever you say."
D is for Dog Collar
"Fuck, what's this?"
"What's what Ghost?"
"There, hanging from a rafter. Looks like a…"
"Like a what?"
"Like a dog collar."
"What would a dog collar be doing up there?"
"Oh, yeah. The last time someone played a prank on me I hung them there."
"No way. You shitting me?"
"Would I do that to you?"
"No? Yes? With you I never know."
"Then why don't you try and play a prank on me. I'm sure you could find out then."
"I think I'm good."
E is for Exfoliation
"Roach, what's this?"
"Whadda you mean?"
"This jar. It looks… weird. Like something a woman would use.
"Well, to me it looks like a jar of exfoliation cream."
"And you would know this how?..."
"No! My sister used to have some!"
"Yes! And you could use some."
"What does it do?"
"Yes, really. I legitamently don't know. Fill me in."
"Ah, never mind."
F is for Fire Extinguisher
"Hey, Ghost, look at this!"
"It's an old fashioned fire extinguisher. You know, like from a long time ago."
"God, we really needed to clean this place out. It is old…"
"Think it still works?"
"Well, the question is, how does it work?"
"I think you just twist this…"
"WHAT THE FUCK YOU LITTLE BASTARD? YOU KNEW IT WAS GOING TO DO THAT, DIDN'T YOU?"
"No, Ghost, really, I didn't know!"
"You cover me in white foam that smells like shit, and say you didn't know?"
"Yeah… Pretty much."
"You had better start running."
G is for Gold
"What are you know, a fucking unicorn?"
"No, there, on top of the crate."
"I don't see it, whatever 'it' is."
"Try standing where I am. It's in the light. See?"
"Hmm. Yeah. Looks golden."
"Let me go get it."
"What is it?"
"Not there yet! Wait, got it!"
"Looks like a golden necklace."
"Can I see?"
"No way. Finder's keeper's loser's weepers. Besides, it's like a chain, not a woman's necklace. I'm keeping it."
"Bastard. We could sell it and get ice cream or something."
"Do you have a problem with frozen milk and sugar?"
"Good. So give me the fucking jewelry."
"Not on your life"
"Fine, be that way."
H is for Hanger
"You trip on something?"
"Yeah, looks like a hanger."
"As in, something that hangs, like a noose?"
"Is your brain powered only by death tools? It's a clothes hanger."
"Oh, that makes it boring then."
"Of course it does."
I is for Ice Pack
"Hey, this looks like a crate of medical stuff"
"Anything cool in it?"
"Naw, not really. Just some gauze, and an ice pack."
"Is it frozen?"
"Really? In this weather?"
"Just asking! You don't have to be rude about it."
"I'll be rude when I want to be fucking rude"
"Ghost, I just love how you are always happy."
"This is my fuck the world face. It is on my face because of you."
"Nice to know. I feel so loved right now."
J is for Journal
"Hey, Ghost, look what was at the bottom of the ammo crate!"
"A piece of leather?"
"No! Look, it's a journal!"
"I don't know. I guess we'll have to read it! Do you think it's a diary?"
"I wouldn't know what a diary looks like."
"They don't look a certain way. If they are a diary or not depends on what's inside."
"Like a log?"
"No, like juicy gossip, or something."
"Roach, I am just dying to know, somewhere deep inside, are you a twelve year old girl?"
"I don't think so, last time I checked, I was Chuck Norris deep inside!"
"So, now you're a thirteen year old boy. Wonderful."
"Having a sense of humor keeps me sane."
"Having you around keeps me insane."
"Whatever. I'm going to go read this and see what it is."
"No you're not."
"Because I want to read it first."
"Now who's the child?"
K is for Kidde Pool
"Fuck, what's this?"
"Is your mouth as dirty as this warehouse?"
"Whatever, Roach. I just want to know what a freaking kiddie pool is doing in this place."
"Huh, for a second I thought you were kidding. It is a kiddie pool."
"Good work Sherlock. Now, why is it here?"
"How would I know that?"
"Because you're the kid here, so logically, you could figure it out."
"I don't know, maybe someone wanted to swim one day?"
"There's a lake a few miles away. Besides, who here could swim in that?"
"I don't know. Maybe just chill, like a hot tub?"
"Chill and hot tub don't exactly work together."
"You know what I mean."
"Sure. Once again though, why is it here?"
"How would I know? How about you ask MacTavish?"
"Why don't you?"
"Please, Ghost, just stop asking! I don't know!"
"What would we use it for?"
"Wanna try it out later? See if it works?"
"A hot tub. Sure. Except for the fact you missed. It has tons of holes in it."
"Aw, shit. For a second I thought we were gonna party."
"And for a second I thought you were stupider than me."
"That's never going to happen Roach."
L is for Life Jacket
"Why do we have a life jacket in here?"
"In case someone can't swim in the deflated kiddie pool"
"So funny. I just love your humor. So fresh. So literal. So god damn annoying"
"I can't choose how I make people annoyed"
"I believe at one point I died, went to hell, and you are my eternal punishment"
"Pleasant thoughts, as always. I'm pretty sure everyone here can swim though."
"Of course they can. It might be a mandatory precaution"
"Which is a perfectly logical explanation of why it's sitting in a warehouse collecting dust"
M is for Mouse
"Hey, Ghost, can you get this old tarp"
"Why don't you?"
"Because I am holding a huge box of something"
"Fine. I'll get it... HOLY FUCK!
"What is it?"
"A FUCKING MOUSE!"
"What do you have against mice?"
"Everything. Where did it go?"
"I think I see it over there"
"OH JUST FUCKING KILL IT!"
"YOU'RE A SOLDIER! USE YOUR FUCKING GUN!"
"He's too cute to shoot. Just leave him be"
"I FUCKING HATE THR GROSS THINGS"
"So my burst eardrums can hear. Just leave him be"
"Easy for you to say"
"Oh, there he goes now."
"You're a baby"
"Only for mice"
N is for Notebook
"Hmm, this looks like a journal…"
"Not another one."
"Wait, let me look inside… It's only a log"
"I dunno. Looks like it was tracking hours or something"
"So, what now?"
"What do you mean?"
"What do you want to do with it?"
"Throw it out. Okay with you?"
O is for Oval
"Look, I found an oval!"
"An oval. I do hope you know what an oval is."
"Of course I do you fucking moron. I just want to know what kind of oval."
"It's an oval. Is there more than one kind of oval?"
"No! Idiot, I just want to know what kind of oval"
"There is only one kind!"
"Like what it's made out of!"
"Oh, it's made out of… oval stuff."
"Uh, it's a piece of paper, I think… In the shape of an oval."
"That's better. Was that hard?"
"Kinda. You need to work on being specific when you ask questions."
"You need to get a fucking life."
"Okay. I can do that. Let me get rid of this oval."
"You are so fucking weird…"
P is for Perfume
"Hey, Roach, I need you!"
"Thought you never needed me."
"Okay, let me rephrase that. I could use your assistance."
"Okay, assistance is on the way. What is it?"
"Could you take a look at this bottle?"
"Yeah, sure. Looks like perfume."
"Perfume? What would that be doing in here?"
"The same thing that the kiddie pool was doing. Collecting dust."
"But, why perfume? Do you think that anyone here would use it?"
"Maybe. Well, it could be cologne. How about we check it out?"
"Like, use it. Right?"
"Yea, how else? How about you? If its cologne, you won't mind."
"Well, fine. I doubt that perfume would be in here."
"Same. So, here we go…"
"Smell that, Ghost."
"Okay… OH FUCK!"
"What is it?"
"It smells like FUCKING FLOWERS!"
"Oh… That's not good!"
"You think so? Huh? How about I spray some on you now?"
"I think I'll pass on that."
"No way, no how. Here it comes. You are going to get it Roach."
"Uh, no thanks…"
"Oh fuck, you're right. This smells like lavender and pansies. Maybe a hint of sunflower."
"Roach, you would know that how?..."
"SISTER! I told you I have a sister!"
"Okay. Whatever. Now we both smell like women. That's great."
"Can't wait till MacTavish smells us."
"What will he think?"
"He will think that two dudes had a few hours alone in a warehouse and come out smelling like girls."
"Oh, that's not too bad… WAIT!"
"That's right. We do have a dirty minded Captain."
"Great, just what I need."
"I feel for you."
Q is for Quilt
"Cool! Ghost, I found a quilt!"
"What else will we find in this God forsaken warehouse?"
"It looks like a really nice one. Like homemade"
"Why does that matter?"
"Because my bunk is cold and I'm not about to get more blankets from the supply closet."
"Because I saw a mouse there."
"Now who's crying about mice, Roach?"
"I just don't want to smell like one. So, this quilt is mine. It's a little dusty, but I can wash it."
"Whatever. It looks weird."
"No it doesn't! It looks like it was made with love!"
"And of course that is something that you would say."
"Wait, what's this here… A tag?"
"Well, hold on… Made in China, warm wash only. Shit."
"We can burn it. Make a fire to keep your warm or to scare the mice away from the closet."
"Sounds like a plan."
R is for RPG
"Good, an old RPG. Finally, something that belongs in a military warehouse."
"I wouldn't say that."
"Because that RPG looks like it is made out of plastic and foam."
"Looks can be deceiving. I can prove it to you."
"Really? What are you going to 'blow up'?"
S is for Stuffed Animal
"Aw what Roach?"
"Uh, 'scuse me, it's nothing."
"That means it's something. What is it?"
"Now what are you hiding and why?"
"Seriously, I just need to go check something back out at the barracks…"
"I am giving you an order as your superior to show me what you are hiding."
"Fine. Here, just, you know, be careful."
"Hmm… This is what you were worried about?"
"It's a small stuffed tiger. It's a little dusty, but not really dirty."
"Yes, I know! I was thinking that Mr. Stripes- I mean, this stuffed animal, could go to the barracks."
"Because, you know, we don't have friends there?"
"So, this stuffed animal would be a new friend?"
"The funny thing is Roach, you happen to know the name of this stuffed animal."
"What's wrong with that? Giving a stuffed animal a name?"
"I don't think you just made that up. I think he's yours."
"No. Why would you assume that?"
"You knew its name, Roach. You don't want to get rid of it."
"No really, it's not mine. I was just brainstorming."
"So, then it's cool if I add it to the stuff we are going to burn later?"
"NO! I mean, I don't think that's a good idea."
"What was that?"
"It's 'because he's mine, okay?"
"Really? HA! Roach, you sissy. Stuffed tiger…"
"Hey! Stop making fun of me!"
"Mr. Stripes must have been lonely here without you!"
"Well, what am I supposed to do when I see him fall into an ammo crate after a mission?"
"You brought him on missions?"
"He's small! He fits in my front pocket."
"Wow. Classy there bro. Now I can tell everyone about this little stuffed guy here."
"No way. No blackmail."
"Do I have any reason not too?"
"Yes, a good one. Stop holding him by his tail!"
"Fine. There, around his stuffed little middle. So, what's my reason not to blackmail you?"
"Because, if you do, I will tell everyone that you named your mask MacGyver Jr."
"No, you wouldn't do that! Would you?"
"You never know. Now fork it over."
"Fine, here you go."
"Oh finally. Mr. Stripes, how are you? A little dusty?"
"Kill me with a rock."
T is for Toilet
"It's an old toilet."
"This place hasn't ceased to surprise me so far. How old?"
"I don't know. A few years, at least."
"That gross. Anything still in it?"
"Now that my friend, is gross."
"Not as gross as the guy who is going to have to move it."
"I call dibs on not doing it."
"Well, let's see you saying that when you move it. Come look at it."
"Oh… Let's to rock paper scissors on it."
"Fine. Rock, paper, scissors… Shoot!"
"Ghost, paper beats rock."
"Rock can crush the hell out of paper any day. And scissors. Not much beats rock."
"Fine. I'll do it later."
"I hope you smell like toilet."
"I hope I get you back for this."
U is for Uzi… Keychain
"You okay Roach?"
"NO! I stubbed my toe on something lying back here"
"What is it?"
"Looks like a keychain"
"The keychain kind."
"You know what I mean"
"Yeah, I do. It looks like an Uzi."
"Sweet! Can I see?"
"No. I want it"
"What keys would you put on it?"
"I dunno. It looks cool, though"
"Good enough for me."
V is for Vandalism
"Hey, man, look what I found on the wall back here!"
"Wow… Someone really hated Shepherd"
"And MacTavish… And God… And uh, I don't think I should repeat that…"
"God, I think my eyes are burning just reading that…"
"Or that… Definitely not that!"
"DO you know if we can get spray paint and sharpie remover?"
"We had better. MacTavish, if he saw this…"
"He would probably shake down half the country to find this guy!"
"Proves how vandalism influenced everyday life"
"We really need to cover that up…"
"Yeah, we really don't need MacTavish to see that…"
W is for Whip
"Hey, should we just burn this rope?"
"Maybe. It looks really leathery"
"It has a big clump of something on the end of it…"
"Wait, Roach, that isn't a rope! It's a whip!"
"What would a whip be doing in here?"
"After everything we have seen today, are you really asking that?"
"Good point. How would we use it?"
"Never hurts to have another weapon"
"Okay, Indie, need a hat too?"
"You have a mask. You could have it."
"Sure. You know what, not a bad idea…"
"Promise you won't practice on me?"
"Thanks. Good to know you don't want to kill me"
"Never said that."
"Good. I'll be keeping an eye on you though"
X is for X ray
"Ghost, in this old filing cabinet I found an old X-ray"
"I don't know. No label or anything"
"That too bad. What is it of?"
"I haven't really looked. Here…"
"Oh, God. That's… an arm?"
"Let me look… God, that's bad"
"I know… Can you count how many pieces of bone fragments are in there?"
"Too many, for sure. Looks like it hurt."
"No duh. The arm is practically ripped in half then shattered."
"What is it?"
"On the back it has a little note."
"What does it say?"
"It says 'My cat after car incident'"
"That's just sick"
"I don't think the cat made it."
Y is for Yogurt
"Did you step in something?"
"Yeah. It looks like a month old pile of yogurt. Or puke."
"Lovely. Why would it be in here?"
"I don't know. Maybe someone was in here, sneaking food"
"I like yogurt. Maybe that person did too."
"You are so weird."
Z is for Zip Line
"Did you see that other thing in the rafters?"
"It looks like a clothesline…"
"Yeah, but what would that be doing in here?"
"My answer is the same to when you asked something like this before. Collecting dust."
"Well, if you climb this ladder over here, you find out it's a zip line!"
"So, are you going to try it?"
"Okay. I hope you don't break your neck."
"Here I go… WEEE!"
"Now, don't tell me you don't want to do that now?"
"Well, kinda. But no."
"Please? Just try it!"
"Fine. Only because it looks fun though."
"Okay, let's see it."
"That what she said, and okay… WOW!"
"That's a rush, isn't it?"
"Yeah. Wow, that was great."
"Did you notice what I did?"
"That we were actually able to cross the whole warehouse without running into something random!"
"Yeah, you're right… It's empty!"
"Time to party!"
"Well, after one more time on the zip line…"
Just as I note, I never have written humor before. As in, I swear to god, I have not. This is my first attempt ever, and I would love if you tell me how it went! But please, it is supposed to be un realistic. Don't bash me because I tried to do something funny… I got this idea when my friend was singing the abc's while we were playing COD… Don't ask…