Disclaimer - I do not own FMA in any way shape or form.
Author's note - I will be continuing my other fanfic, my friends and I just kinda came up with a funny idea so I thought I'd make it into a one shot. This isn't supposed to be serious like most of my other writing, it's kind of just a fun/silly I-have-too-much-free-time fanfic. You know? So this is really badly written because I did it in like half and hour but . . . Whatever. Deal.
Dedicated to Jess.
The Promised Day had come and gone, and no one was more pleased than Winry Rockbell. Her boys were finally home, happy and healthy. Al had a body and Ed was only missing one limb now. All was well.
Thinking on that, she decided that she should talk to the local therapist in the morning. Her definition of "normal" was seriously off. But it was late. Nearly eight at night, and the shrink's office was most likely closed.
Winry was interrupted from these thoughts by the harsh, loud sound of the phone ringing. She sighed and got up from her spot next to Ed on the couch to answer the phone.
When she was gone, Alphonse leaned over the coffee table and whispered to his brother, "so you're telling Winry, right? That you love her?"
"Shh!" the elder Elric exclaimed. "I told you! I would tell her before I leave for the West, and that's that. That doesn't mean I'm gonna tell her right now, got it? I've still got a whole week and a half!"
"Brother, we're leaving in four days," Al told him.
"Eep!" Ed shrunk down in his seat. "No way! It can't be only four more days . . . I thought we had more time than that! Damn it, I haven't even told Winry we were leaving!"
Al shook his head. "I know, I had to tell her."
"Phew . . . So she knows?"
"Hello?" Winry answered the phone.
"Good, Winry, that means eveyone's here." Winry recognized the voice as Ed and Al's friend Ling Yao.
"Ling?" Winry asked. "What's going on?"
"We're on a conference call," Mei Chang explained. "Everyone's here. Ling and I, Izumi Curtis, the Armstrongs, Mustang, Hawkeye, Havoc, Furey, Breda, Falman, and even Mr. Scar!"
"What?" Winry asked. "Why they hell are we-"
"I was just getting to that," Ling interrupted. "I've called you all for one very important reason. It has come to my attention that the Elric brothers dropped out of school at a very young age, and grew up without parents."
"Yeah, so?" Mustang asked. He sounded rather bored.
"Well, if that's the case, then who gave the brothers . . . the talk?" Ling asked.
"Ehhhh . . ." everyone groaned. The man had a point.
"What talk?" Mei asked innocently.
"Wait, Mei, how old are you?" Hawkeye asked.
"Eleven," the young princess replied.
"Aw, shit!" Ling exclaimed. "Mei you should probably hang up now."
"What? But I-"
"Now!" everyone else agreed.
Mei grumbled something under her breath about dumb adults before hanging up.
"You know Ling, you're pretty dumb," Winry told him.
"Yeah, yeah . . . That's a topic for another time," Ling said. "Now, I've called all of you because I think as a group, we are the only ones really qualified to give the brother's the talk. I assume that they'll need it before going off and traveling, right? I mean, I don't know about the West, but there are many fine ladies here in Xing, and Alphonse will most likely be the target of their interest due to his appearance."
Winry felt sick to her stomach. She had never actually considered that the Elrics would enjoy romantic relationships on their travels. It just seemed . . . Wrong. Especially Ed.
"Mustang," Winry said. "Why don't you do it? I mean you've got plenty of experience, right?"
"That topic does not fall under my job description," Mustang replied, before hanging up.
The rest of his team murmured their agreement and left the conference call as well.
"Scar?" Winry asked weakly.
There was no answer. She assumed he had hung up as well.
"No way in hell!" she exclaimed. "But be a dear and call to tell me how it goes."
She then hung up as well.
". . . Izumi?"
The Elrics' old teacher laughed out loud. "I've already taught those boys enough, don't you think? Besides, Winry, aren't you there with them now?"
"Yeah . . ." Ling agreed. "They are living at your house, right?"
"Uh, well yeah but it's just that-"
"Settled then," Ling said. "Good luck, Winry! Toodel-loo!"
The line went dead. Winry sighed and hung the phone back on the receiver. This was going to be a long night.
Twenty minutes later, Winry reentered the living room with a giant easel.
"Win, what's that for?" Al asked.
"Hush," Winry snapped."You two, sit down on the couch across from me."
They did as told.
She sighed. "Okay, I'm hear to teach you boys a very valuable lesson. Please give me your full undivided attention."
The stray cat that Al had brought home a few days earlier began brushing up against his feet. He picked him up and stroked his fur. "Winry's gonna show us something, Kitty!"
Winry took a deep breath, and pulled back the first piece of paper, revealing a title page that she had designed.
SEX TALK was written in large letters. "I'm here to explain where babies come from!"
She pulled that paper back, revealing a picture of a naked woman.
"This," she said. "Is what a woman would look like if you were to strip her of all her clothes."
Ed's hands flew to his crotch. "Winry, what's going on? My pants feel weird . . ."
Winry face-plamed. This was going to be harder than she thought.
"I'll explain that later . . ."
"Now, sex usually begins with something called 'foreplay'," Winry told them once she was done explaining the basic parts. "It can be anything really, but the most common approaches are . . ."
She flipped the next paper, revealing some very . . . graphic photos.
"Where the hell did you get these?" Ed asked, slightly rocking back and forth.
Al squeezed the cat tighter against his chest. "What happens next?"
"Don't make me repeat myself," Winry begged. She made a circle with one hand and stuck her index finger through it. "Get it?"
"This is so wrong . . ." Ed muttered. "Winry, why do you know so much about this?"
Winry took a deep breath. "Public school."
"GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ed and Al screamed in unison.
Hours later, an exhausted Winry slumped over the couch. The talk was done, and the Elrics were as educated on the matter as they would ever get.
Alphonse had retreated to the corner of the room, where he was rocking back and forth in the fetal position with his cat, muttering, "I'm back in my armor, I'm back in my armor, I'm back in my armor, I'm back in my armor, I'm back in my armor, I'm back in my armor, I'm back in my armor, I'm back in my armor . . ."
Ed hadn't moved a muscle. He still sat facing the easel, mouth hanging open.
"I'll be quizing you both tomorrow," Winry told them. "So make sure to study."
Later that night, Ed found himself standing outside of Winry's room, remembering the promise he had made to tell her how he felt before he left.
He knocked once, and she answer. Clearly, he needn't worry about waking her up, despite the late hour.
"Hey, Ed, what's up?" she asked.
"Well . . ." he said, blushing to the extreme. "I was just wondering . . . I uh, was having trouble understanding some of that lesson you gave us, so I thought maybe you could give me an example?"
Winry was stone faced for a moment before she realized what he was saying. "Oh . . ."
She grabbed the front of his shirt, pulled him into her room and locked the door. Once he was on the bed, she began to undress him.
Little did they know, that while Winry was giving Ed some extra help with his lessons, Alphonse was actually under the bed with his cat, taking very detailed notes.
That was way too much fun to write . . .