I knew what I'd done as soon as that door closed. Immediately, I let out the tears I've been holding in. I cried and cried, knowing that you'll never come back and I would never see you again. I regret saying to you the opposite of what I actually felt... but you should have known.
You should have known that I couldn't say it. I can't love you back as you have loved me.
'Loved... how fitting.' I thought, smiling sadly.
I didn't deserve you. This was for the best because I knew that you deserved much more. As soon as my tears stopped, I began to stand up and slowly make my way to the empty bedroom. I crawled onto the cold bed as my body curled for warmth. When I closed my eyes, I remembered the days we shared; the good days. We slept on this bed together, hugging each other to keep ourselves warm with our heat. It was those days when this house was actually filled with laughter, warmth, and love... but now, it was the complete opposite.
I could hear the rain hard outside, making the house feel even emptier and colder than ever, but I don't complain. For the things that I've done to you, I deserved something worse than this. The pains and regrets I have are nothing compared to what you've felt.
'This is for the best...' I told myself over and over.
'This is for the best.'
It has been a month since that day, and I haven't seen nor heard from you ever since. There are days every now and again that I pretend I'm okay because I keep denying that I'm not.
I refuse to accept that without you, I am nothing.
I refuse to accept that without you, I won't be able to be myself again.
I refuse to accept that, because without you... life without you is meaningless.
That dreadful day hangs around my head. I had so much to say, but I only watched you walk away. I didn't have the courage to tell you what I truly feel for I knew that enough was enough. I couldn't let you cling on to that tiny hope that something will change. It wouldn't be fair to do that you. You say that you love me in every chance you get, but I couldn't say it back as easily as you can.
So now I'm here, living like a doll; a hollow shell that's been emptied of its soul. It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go. It's hard to force a smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone.
It was even harder to get up and get dress every day, living with regret.
I find myself outside. I'm looking for a place. People were crowding in areas in an attempt to get home as soon as possible – a warm shelter where possibly a loved one is waiting for their return anxiously yet patiently. I'm searching for a face. I've lost myself to the point that I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Nothing's going right, everything's a mess, but no one likes to be alone. I knew that well. What I did to you still haunts 'til this day. I've failed to move on. You've left a great impact on me that I never knew existed. It's like that saying, "You never know what you have until it's gone."
What an ironic and sad quote. I almost smile that that saying keeps coming up often when one is blinded, missing what's truly important. However, I do not. I don't know what I'm doing, but I desperately search for something. I've lost my way in the darkness, and I struggle to find the light.
'Is there anybody here I know?'
I run, looking for something, trying to find that something that could pull me back to the right path.
I run and run and run. It was cold dark night as I now stand on a bridge, trying to figure out if this is life. After futilely searching for that something, I found myself on a bridge; alone. There's nothing but the heavy rain, wetting me to the bone as I listen around, but there was no sound.
'Isn't anyone trying to find me?' I curled myself into a ball, leaning my back on the rail wall of the bridge.
I sob, my tears joining with the rain. I felt lost, hopeless and alone.
"Won't somebody come take me home?" I asked in desperation.
I just want to go home. To the place where I was needed, where I'm wanted; I wanted to go home. I was tired and my body refused to move. It numbed from the cold and wetness from the rain and harsh wind. I couldn't feel anything, just like my heart; they were all so tiredly numb and sore. At this situation, I thought that I was going to die this way; from the cold and alone. I wanted to smile at myself and looked back at everything I've done.
'This is what I deserved… It's for the best. Besides, no one will miss me… No one...'
I could feel my conscience drifting away. I was so tired and sleepy that nothing mattered anymore. I just wanted to sleep now, and possibly never wake up again. Slowly, I close my eyes, relaxing my body even though I became short of breath.
'This is the end for me…'
However, just when I was about to completely drift into amidst of darkness, something warm covered my body from the cold. It made me open my eyes, and I saw you, staring at me with emotion I couldn't label. You took my hand and pulled me up to stand. We didn't say anything to each other, but you just started to walk, pulling me along the way. I didn't know what to say, I was confused. I have no idea why you're doing this at all. I mean, aren't we still… fighting? Why is everything so confusing? I shook my head as I kept my head down, hair covering my eyes.
'Maybe I'm just out of my mind.'
We've walked for some time before you finally stopped, but still I didn't look up. I heard the door open, and I knew that we were at your place. That's because I remember clearly, you throwing the duplicate key of my place to my face. Upon being pulled to enter your house, only then did you let go.
"Don't move," you tell me, and I do so.
I wait for you to come back as I end up soaking your floor, forming a small puddle. Moments later, I hear you come back, and then rub my head to what I assume to be a small towel.
"Geez, you've got to take care yourself better," sounding irritated, but I think I could sense some affection in there… then again, I'm not really in thinking straight.
You ruffle my hair dry and still I didn't move nor say anything. Once it seemed dry enough, you began lifting me up on your shoulder. I let out a small yelp at the sudden action, but I didn't protest. Slowly, he made his way up the stairs and into the bathroom.
"Here," putting me down.
"Now strip your clothes, the bath is ready."
I didn't move for some moments before finally doing what he said. When I went and sank into the warm waters, immediately I began to shiver at the contrasting feeling. It hurt for it was numbing me with a burning sensation.
"Hey, take it slow. Your body is numb from the cold so you shouldn't get in the tub too fast," pulling me out as he said so.
He embraced me, probably to share his warmth to me. I miss this… I really miss being in your arms. How I wanted to embrace you back, but I know better than to do that.
"Ok, you've warmed up a bit. Now you can go and lay on the tub."
When I sat there, he was right, it didn't hurt as much. He proceeded to clean my body with a wet bubbly cloth, taking my arm and rubbing it gently. After fir so long, I built up the courage to look at you. It was with a confused expression for I have no clue as to why you were being so nice to me. After… after everything I've done to you, I don't deserve such things. I really don't.
I couldn't hold it in anymore. I began to cry from the affection and kindness you're showing to me. You looked at me with widened eyes out of disbelief, and I don't blame you. After all, I've never shown you any emotion (for it was a show of weakness to me). Though before you could speak, I spoke first.
"Why? Why are being so nice to me? I don't understand… didn't you hate me? Aren't we… fighting?" I look at him with teary eyes, my vision was blurry.
"You should have left me there to freeze," I ended, sobbing even harder.
He patted my head in an attempt to calm me down before leaning in to embrace my quivering and weak body.
"I'm… I'm sorry," I said to him in a whisper for my voice was breaking.
He didn't say anything and just continued to caress my head and hold me in a comforting manner. I continued to speak, wanting to let all the agonizing built up of regret off of my chest.
"I didn't mean to anger you or to hurt you. I've already told you countless of times that I didn't know how to love and yet you… still stay by my side and continued to love me. I didn't know what to do, it was my first time being in a relationship, and I… didn't know what to do. What you expect me to do. I'm so sorry."
I clutched onto his shirt and buried my face.
"P-please… Please forgive me."
I stop and allowed silence to go in.
"Come on; let's get you dress and ready for bed. You must be tired," was all he said.
I was disheartened, but didn't say anything. I sighed inwardly.
'I knew he wasn't going to forgive me that easily. Oh well, I deserved it anyway.'
Wordlessly, I got out of the tub, dried myself with a towel, and put on clothes that he had readied for me – a blue long-sleeve shirt and pyjama pant. Then I decided to go to the living room to sleep on the couch. I didn't want to take advantage of his hospitality any longer. However, before I could even do so, he suddenly carried me bridal style. I let out a small noise of surprise as he walked to the bed with me on arms.
"You're not sleeping on the couch," he said, laying me on the bed and even going as far as tucking me in.
I gave him an incredulous look for I deserved a harsher treatment after what I've done. Then again, he hasn't even forgiven me, and that hurts more. He started heading towards the bathroom.
"I'm just going to take a quick shower and join you when I'm done."
When he closed the door and disappeared from my sight, I sat upright and began to examine the room. The last time I came here, it was messy with things found just about everywhere randomly and the atmosphere felt… livelier. However, in comparison (to now), everything was neatly kept clean and organized, and it was very spacious. The room felt cold and empty.
I urged myself not to cry again as my vision began to blur once more. I wipe it off with my sleeves and lied down on the bed, closing eyes and wanting to just disappear.
'I need to leave tomorrow… I need to be gone for good,' and with that thought, sleep consumed me.
When I walked out of the bathroom, I find you peacefully sleeping on my bed. I let out a smile.
'It's been too long.' I thought, walking to sit near your sleeping figure.
My smile was wiped off my face when I remembered seeing you on the bridge. You looked so lost and torn. I know that you never meant to hurt me, and I know that you were confused of what to do, but you didn't have to take it out on yourself. You're not the one at fault. I loved you no matter what, but I thought that we needed some space from each other because it looked as if you were overwhelmed with your emotions and the situation of us together. I had done some clearing of my thoughts, and I figured that you would've done so as well… Guess I was wrong.
I let out an exasperated sigh as I began to lie down beside you on the bed.
"You really had me worried," I let out a sad smile.
I was so worried about you, and was pretty devastated when I saw the state you were in. You must've been filled with regret ever since that day, and I think I pushed you too far. I didn't think you would do this to yourself.
'It's been rough on you hasn't it?'
I lightly kissed your forehead, and brushed your soft sable hair. You sighed, and snuggled closer to me. I could feel my smile widen at your action.
'I miss this,' wrapping my arms around your cold body to share my body heat.
"You could be such a fool at times. I've already forgiven you," I muttered under my breath.
You probably haven't realized that I could read you like a book. I mean, how else could I put up with you if it weren't for the fact that I could understand you. You also haven't realized that my love for you was still strong. I'm happy to know that you still love me, even though you were confused, you still love me. You were finally able to confess what you're really feeling inside.
"Now that I have you by my side again, I'll never let you go," I stated before sleep consumed me as well.
When I began to wake up, feeling surprisingly warm, I opened my eyes to find your sleeping face close to mine. I flinched at the closeness, but I couldn't move away for I found your arms secured around me.
'How am I supposed to leave if I can't get out?'
I try to struggle free, but that eventually woke you up. I immediately freeze when I made contact with your eyes. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't bring myself to do so. Your eyes were still as captivating as I remembered them to be.
"What do you think you're doing?" He asked.
I gulped, and answered honestly though hesitantly.
"I-I was planning on leaving. I-I think I overstayed my welcome."
However, those words just made his grip tighten, forcing my body to move closer to him. I could feel my heart beating quickly in my chest as I placed my hands on his chest to put some distance between us, even though it was a small one.
"I'm not letting you go anymore. Since you finally confessed to me how you feel," he said while smiling.
I looked at him with a flabbergasted look for I completely thought that he was still mad at me, and that he wasn't going to forgive me. As though reading my thoughts, he said.
"I've forgiven you long ago. Moments after I left the place," he let out a deep sigh before continuing.
"I thought that we needed some time off because it looked like you were so overwhelmed and troubled by a lot of things that some time alone would've cleared your mind off. And clearly, that's not what happens."
I gulped again; sweat dropping when he was beginning to show his anger by growling as he continued.
"I didn't think that you would torment yourself, and even go far as killing yourself by freezing to death outside. Honestly, you scared the shit out of me. Haven't you realized that my love for hasn't changed a bit? And I wasn't expecting you to do anything. I just wanted you to enjoy life and just be yourself. You didn't need to change. And if you still insist on changing, then all I want is for you to be comfortable around me. I'll accept anything you give and show me because that's the you I fell in love with in the first place," he sighed, calming down afterwards.
"I've told you countless of times that you need to not worry yourself about this because I'll love you and stay by your side no matter what. So please, stop hurting yourself. It's affecting me too, you know," he let out a gentle smile.
At that point, I couldn't help but tear up at the confession. I was so lucky to be loved by such a person. I don't deserve such love. As though reading my mind again, he told me with a serious expression.
"Don't tell yourself that you don't deserve this. Don't ever degrade yourself, it really hurts me when you do that," he frowns, but he was trying to comfort me.
"B-b-but I-" I was cut off.
"No buts," and slowly, I nodded in defeat.
He sighs again.
"Geez, you really have to stop doing that you know."
He leans in to place a kiss on my forehead. I really find myself super lucky to have him with me. He's so understanding and patient that it made me want to cry so bad for ever hurting him emotionally. I managed to calm myself and finally gather the courage to say the words I've been meaning to say for a long time.
"N-Natsu, I… I love you…" I swear my face turned bright red, but it felt refreshing to have finally said it.
I saw him blink at me with a disbelief expression to my confession, before he grinned widely. He pulled me up to have our lips meet in a passionate kiss, getting deeper by the moment as we lost ourselves in our own world. After moments, we broke apart for air.
"You finally said it," still grinning from ear to ear.
I smiled as well. It has been so long since I've smiled. I've really missed him so much.
"You're so beautiful when you smile."
I blushed harder at the comment, but still continued to smile.
"I've really missed you. I missed you so much," snuggling him.
"Wow, you're so open now. That's a good progress."
"I'm finding the courage to say these things to you today," I mumbled.
I hear him hummed.
"So it's only today huh? Oh well, it's better than never."
I smile for it felt as if a heavy weight has been taken off of me.
"I… I really love you."
He laughed softly again.
"I know. I've always known," caressing my hair soothingly.
"I really love you too, Gray."
At that, I couldn't help but let out a small laugh myself. Everything was perfect, and I really couldn't for anything more. I was given a chance, and this time, I was going to try and accept these feelings. Sure they're going to be complicated to deal with, but I'm not alone anymore. From this moment on, I looked forward to the day where there won't be an 'I', but an 'us'.
"Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who wouldn't give up on them." By: Melai
This story was created when I was inspired by the song "What Hurts the Most" and "I'm with you", and of course, the quote.
I needed to get this off my head too. So hoped you enjoyed reading this as well. Fixed the confusion, but there's still some editing that needs to be done... Will be fixing that soon, but at least there's less confusion now~
Suggestions and Comments are welcome!~ =^w^=