TITLE: Everything She Does…Is Beautiful
DISCLAIMER: Willow, Tara and any other BtVS characters, as well as some random dialog, belong to Mutant Enemy. ALL other original characters belong to me!
SUMMARY: Totally AU! Set in high school and full of angst with a lot of sweetness mixed in. Willow and Tara are best friends, but their relationship is starting to change and confusion is setting in. Tara is starting to spend time with a boy and Willow is about to lose it. Will they figure things out before it's too late? Better read and find out!
Thoughts are in italics
Everything She Does…Is Beautiful
It's finally Saturday and I can say without a doubt, this has been the longest weirdest week ever. I've been so upset, that this is the first day I even felt like writing in here. It's been eight days since I first saw them together and completely flipped out. Eight of the LONGEST days of my life! Since then, I've been avoiding her, but today is special and we've had plans for the last couple months, so I can't avoid her today. In fact she's gonna be here in a few minutes to pick me up.
I've never not wanted to spend time with her but this past week has just been pure torture. It's been torturous because I finally came to grips with my feelings, unfortunately, it took me getting "slapped in the face," hypothetically speaking of course, to actually admit them to myself. Sometimes I wonder how long I've actually felt this way, because it seems like it came on suddenly, but deep down I think a part of me wanted to be more than just friends for awhile now, but apparently I did a pretty good job of pushing those thoughts away.
I miss her SO much! I miss her laugh and the way she looks at me like I'm crazy when I babble. She's just so…so…beautiful; in every way. She's kind and generous and the best friend in the entire world. Her hair is golden and shiny like the sun and her eyes are as blue as the ocean; I get lost in their depths when she looks at me. God, I wish she looked at me the way I saw her looking at [i]him[/i].
It's so damn unfair…those are MY blue eyes to look at, not his! I never hated being a girl before, but right now, I do. Especially when I saw her kiss [i]him[/i] in the hall before third period…it was the worst feeling ever. I imagine it's what you feel like getting punched hard in the stomach because it made me sick and I ran to the bathroom and threw up. Then I sat there, all pathetic and crying. I'm so glad she didn't see and run after me. Who is he and how long has she been kissing him? And looking at him? When we talked in the library on Thursday, I was watching her lips move and the whole time just thinking about them brushing sensually across his. Blah! It's just not fair and it makes me so angry. Sometimes I HATE my life! How am I supposed to act? How will I ever be able to handle seeing her with someone else? She'll hold his hand as he walks her to class and she'll sit with him at lunch instead of me.
I always dreaded the day when she would get a boyfriend and I never really understood why until now. It's because I'm in love with her and I didn't understand the full extent of my feelings until I saw them together and now I do…I'm in love with my best friend and I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to make of things lately, Willow's been avoiding me all week and I have no idea why. I followed her the other day, I know I shouldn't have, but I was worried. I still am. She's lying…to me, to her parents…to everyone and I just don't know why. I've hardly seen her all week, she's been spending lunches somewhere else and she was so weird on Thursday in the library. Then yesterday during lunch…it was, uncomfortable and awkward. I've never felt that way around Willow before, ever. She admitted something is going on but won't tell me what it is. She seems so sad and depressed. I really want to be there for her, for whatever it is that's bothering her, but she won't talk to me. We used to talk all the time, we told each other everything, but lately it seems like we're growing apart and it's breaking my heart. I hate seeing her so down in the dumps, even Xander noticed and that's saying a lot!
I've been hanging out with Riley Finn these past couple weeks since he moved here and I really want Willow to meet him. He's such a sweetie! We've become close, but I miss my best friend, I miss her SO much! I want to tell her about the past two weeks and what's going on with me. I want to share my happiness with her, but she doesn't seem to want to hang out with me anymore. I need her to know, so today, I'm gonna tell her everything. I just hope she can handle it.