Title: How Beside the Dying Fire REALLY Happened
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1643
Pairings/Characters: Glenn/Daryl, Rick Grimes, Lori Grimes, Carl Grimes, Herschel Greene, Carol Peletier, T-Dog, Andrea
Genre: Crack/humor
Warnings: Mild language, spoilers for episode 2x12 and 2x13
Summary: Walkers are approaching the farm, Shane is dead, and - T-Dog! What in the world are you doing? Written for the twd-kinkmeme for a prompt that roughly boils down to T-Dog dancing naked with a PRIDE flag.


Rick and Carl ran across the field and up to the house. "Walkers! There's walkers!" Rick yelled, drawing everyone out of the house. "Everyone, get in the house!"

"What the hell happened out there?" Herschel demanded.

"Shane's dead, and there are walkers headed this way!"

"Shane's dead?"

Rick stared at them in disbelief. "Are any of you listening to me? Walkers!"

As the army of walkers shambled out of the field and headed towards the house, a blur of color passed them and leaped off of the porch. "WHEEE!"

Hershel's jaw dropped. "What the hell?"

T-Dog stood in the middle of the yard, wearing nothing but a PRIDE flag draped over his shoulders. The groaning of the walkers coalesced into a low humming, and the herd stopped in it tracks ten feet away from him. They spread out into a line, and one of the walkers started a drum beat.

"Get that man off of my lawn!" Herschel yelled.

"Now, Herschel—" Rick started.

"There is a naked man in a PRIDE flag on my lawn!" Herschel said loudly to Rick, gesturing to T-Dog.

"Now, Herschel, listen—"

"I allow you on my farm, let you eat my food, drink my water, sleep in our bedrooms, provide you with healthcare, and do nothing when you kill my walkers, and this is how you repay me? With a naked man in a PRIDE flag?"

Several of the walkers started to sing, and the group just stared in shock as T-Dog spread out his arms and began to spin in circle. The PRIDE flag whirled about his body in a flash of color.

Carl began to tug on Rick's sleeve. "Dad! Dad! Why is T-Dog naked?"

To be honest, Rick was more concerned with the herd of walkers, although T-Dog's current state of mind was also a mild concern.

"Err, well…"

Glenn and Daryl ran up from the woods, both rumpled and out of breath, and Glenn had a fresh hickey on his neck. They stopped next to the group on the porch and were unable to tear their eyes away.

"What the hell's everybody standing around for? Y'all never been to a PRIDE parade?"

"You expect us to believe naked guys dance around clothed in nothing but a PRIDE flag at those parades?"

Daryl shrugged. "Makes sense to me."

Rick stared at the other survivors in shock. Had they always been this stupid? "There are walkers! Right there! Walk-ers!"

"Forget the walkers, Rick!"

"How can I forget the walkers; they're standing right there!"

"So is T-Dog!"

"T-Dog isn't standing, he's…uh…"

"It's the dance of his people!" Daryl shouted in sudden realization, deciding that maybe T-Dog wasn't practicing for the PRIDE parade.

Carol looked at him in question. "T-Dog has people?"

"Well, he's here, isn't he?"

Everyone shrugged, and Lori took this moment to remove Carl from next to Rick and shove him at Andrea. "Andrea, can you keep an eye on Carl? I need to go make Rick a sandwich," she said, hurrying back into the house.

Andrea gave Lori a dirty look and shoved Carl back at Rick. "Oh my god, you suck!"

T-Dog whipped the flag over his head and started to leap from place to place, twirling each time in mid-air. The walkers continued to sing and drum, while another came up to the porch. They readied themselves to run, but it simply pointed at the guitar that was still sitting against the wall from when Glenn had taken it out an hour or two before. Carol gingerly handed it over, and the walker limped back into the herd. Shortly thereafter, they could hear the guitar being played.

Glenn, his eyes wide, looked around at the rest of the group. Rick looked like he had lost his will to live, Hershel still looked outraged about the naked man on his lawn, Daryl was squinting into the distance, a line of drool going down his neck. Everyone else just looked entranced.

"I have to…go…over there now," Glenn said, pointing in a random direction before rushing off. Maybe he could hole up in the RV until it was all over?

Herschel had given up on speech, and was instead turning some rather fascinating colors. Beth was giggling, a blush high on her cheeks, and Jimmy looked like he was fighting his own line of drool. Patricia was…Patricia and Maggie were probably off pining for Otis or Glenn or something. Herschel glanced over at them, before doing a double take. He threw his hands up in the air, and went off to find his shotgun.

At this point, the walkers started to join in on T-Dog's dance. Glenn took one look, and fought the urge to claw out his own eyes. Instead, he sped up into a run.

Daryl's eyes cleared, and he started to follow Glenn back to the RV.

Carl was silent as he stared at the gyrating walkers, before he turned to Rick. "Dad, I'm going in the house."

Rick waved a hand at him absently. "Okay, Carl."

Lori came out of the house and handed Rick a sandwich. He absentmindedly took a bite out of it.

"Where's Carl?"

"Back in the house."

"Oh, okay."

Daryl left the RV, cursing, and stomped off to his tent. He'd forgotten the damn condoms.

T-Dog started doing flips and attracted everyone's attention, so Rick was surprised when Daryl deposited Carl in front of Rick. "Here's your kid back. He was poking around my tent. Again. Keep him away from my shit," he said, taking his gun with him as he left. He'd have to treat Irene real special after the trial she just went through.

"I thought you were in the house."

Carl shrugged. "It smelled like old people," he said as he tucked his gun into his waistband.

Rick raised his eyebrow. "Is that Daryl's gun?"

"Naw, it's Dale's. I stole it off of Daryl when he got distracted by T-Dog again."

Rick would have to talk to Carl about his kleptomaniac tendencies, but he was quickly distracted by T-Dog performing a spectacular pirouette, the PRIDE flag fluttering around his body. Noticing his dad's distraction, Carl shrugged and stole his knife before wandering off again. Surely Shane wouldn't mind if he looted his rotting corpse?

"Carl, go in the house," he said absentmindedly, not even noticing that Carl had already left.

Lori glanced over at Daryl, who was off staring at T-Dog and drooling again. She nudged Carol, and tilted her head towards him. "What do you think Daryl's thinking about?"

The group of squirrels huddled together on the porch chattered softly as T-Dog swung his bushy red tail from side to side in counterpoint with the PRIDE flag, his ears flickering slightly. In the dim light, it was easy to give the dancer tuftier ears and a bushier tail, Glenn dancing only for him.

Glenn danced towards him seductively, peeking at him from over the PRIDE flag. He beckoned towards him, and Daryl took a step forward only to trip over his own tail.

Daryl shook his head, the vision gone, and took back off to find Maggie. Damn woman ran off with the only box of condoms in camp, and like hell he was going to get it on with his squirrel without them.

The two women exchanged a glance.

"Crossbows."

"Yeah, definitely crossbows. Ooh, look at T-Dog! I didn't even know a spine could bend that way!"

They both watched with blissful smiles on their faces.

There was a loud clatter from the porch as Hershel ran out with his trusty shotgun, and started to wave it in T-Dog's direction. "My farm has a dress code, and a PRIDE flag doesn't count! Get off of my yard!"

T-Dog ignored him, and Herschel began to fire his gun, hitting the ground next to T-Dog each time. The man didn't even flinch. The gunfire lasted for five minutes without a pause before Herschel finally gave up. He knew he should've gotten the scope instead of the unlimited ammo upgrade from the local gaming chapter.

There was a loud whoop as Daryl ran back to the RV with a handful of condoms and an angry female chasing after him. The box of condoms lay discarded on the ground, until Carl, his new 22 necklace swinging loosely around his neck, sidled over and put all the remaining condoms in his pockets—they'd make excellent water balloons.

T-Dog did one last flip and ended with the PRIDE flag covering his entire body, his head bowed. He then stood up, and walked silently into the house.

The walkers milled in the yard in confusion, until Rick finally recovered. He gave a loud battle cry—okay, it was more like a monologue—and started shooting valiantly at the walkers. Herschel joined in with his shotgun, and Lori began to scream in panic for Carl. Carl came around the barn and weaved his way through the walkers, stealing someone's arm on the way.

Walking up behind her, Carl tapped her shoulder with the rotting hand on the end of his stolen arm.

"Hey, Mom."

Lori screamed, turned to run and promptly knocked herself unconscious when she ran right into the door to the porch.

Maggie stopped banging on the door to the RV and instead ran to join the melee, while Daryl and Glenn stumbled out, half-dressed. They were wearing each other's shirts. There was a loud squeal as someone—probably Andrea—reappropriated the guitar and used it to bash in heads.

Inside the house, T-Dog folded up the PRIDE flag carefully and placed it back in Maggie's closet. With his performance, he'd no longer be invisible to the rest of his group, destined to be "Token-Dog" and "Trivial-Dog" forever. Instead, now he was…"Talented-Dog" the terribly tremendous twister who strikes terror in all tickers for all of time!

-End