Note: Well this has been a long time coming.. I'm not sure if it turned out how I originally wanted, but it is finished now! I hope that this four chapter story was enjoyable. :)
Warning.. FLUFFINESS ahead! Haha :P
Sustenance…Of the Heart
It's a Tuesday and we're eating breakfast, the sound of forks scraping against porcelain the only sound in the eat in kitchen. It's a Tuesday and nothing is out of the ordinary until she breaks the silence, and the tone of her voice is one that she might use when discussing the weather when she says,
And now hers is the only fork that's moving, mine clattering to the table as I stare at her. I am afraid to breathe, afraid to move, but she's afraid too. It's in the way her fingers are gripped so tight around the handle of her utensil that the knuckles have turned white, in the way her lips press in on one another as if she's afraid that the words she just worked up the courage to say would try to slip right back into her mouth.
"Katniss?" my voice is barely a whisper, rough and unsteady.
"It's not that big of a deal, is it? People get pregnant all the time." But we're not just people. My heart feels like it might just burn through my chest, the warmth of it, the fullness of it almost too much to contain.
A laugh that might sound a little hysterical escapes me as my chair almost slides across the room as I'm out of it and down on my knees next to her, looking up at her. I have her hands in mine, pressing small kisses to fingertips that are slightly sweet with the syrup she'd used to coat her breakfast.
It's her turn to laugh, and it's a little, okay a lot, nervous, but I know this will be what the future will hold. It'll be happiness with a touch of ever present fear, of moments that the fear is forgotten, but that those fear free moments might be fleeting.
It means a future, one that she believes in. The last decade has seen us struggling against ourselves, each other, the world as a whole, but for Katniss it has always been a struggle in the belief of a future without another Game.
Her pregnancy means more than the birth of a child, more than me and her and the creation of a being of both of us, it means she trusts again. It was no secret to me that she was taking medicine to keep any pregnancy from happening, and I wonder what it was that had made her decide to stop. I know it is not a mistake that has caused this to happen, and that like most things now in her life, she has planned it.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask, as I stand and pull her to stand as well so I can fold her into my arms, feel her body's heat against my own. There is silence for a moment, before she answers.
"I didn't want to get your hopes up, I.." she pauses again and so many words can fill that silence, I was afraid, afraid it would happen, afraid it wouldn't, afraid that the world would burn again if it knew.
"I wanted to keep it to myself for a little while, to get used to the idea," it was truth and it was a lie. I don't think she'll get used to the idea until the child is in her arms and alive, alive and safe, safe and sound. She looks up into my face, her grey eyes wary as she searches my face. I know she will only see joy and love, because that's all I can feel in this moment. Something shifts and she's smiling too, and she laughs.
I know that not all will be easy in the future ahead. There will be sleepless nights when nightmares of children caught in rope snares and eyes that are human and not human will haunt her, because the dream of having her own child will make her think of their lost futures. There will be times when she worries she will be a mother like her own, and days when she will feel as if this might be all a mistake.
But those will be the bad days, and the good days will be filled with talks of a baby's name and avoidance of names that bring up the sleepless nights. Not Rue, Not Madge, Not Prim. There will be readying our home for the addition of another person, of her blaming me testily for back aches and swollen ankles and the increasing shape of her that keeps her from as moving as swiftly as she'd like.
There will be love, a little laughter, and of all things, hope. And she and I can make it through the bad days, when the future is filled with all of that.