Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters.
Spoilers for almost every season.
Sam wants Dean to call him Sammy. Angsty, again.
Enjoy, and review, please!
Chapter One- It's Sammy
He had always insisted that Dean call him Sam. It had irked him then, that Dean would use his childish nickname in front of anybody and everybody.
It made him feel fragile. Breakable, like the little boy who'd been so scared of the monster under his bed. Worse than that, Sammy had always known that the things in the dark were real. Sammy had been weak.
At the same time, it made Sam feel safe, loved. Protected. Every time Dean called him Sammy and he would object, the niggling voice would be whispering.
You like it.
Sammy meant security, safety. Sammy meant that his big brother would always protect him. Most of all, it meant that Dean loved him.
Dean had never said it in so many words, unlike Sam, but the use of that silly, foolish nickname was enough for him. It was how he knew.
Sammy also meant vulnerability. It meant dependence. It meant that he would always be the one to be protected. It meant he would always be the little brother.
In some ways, he disliked the name. The other voice would take its cue, then.
You don't like it.
It was the reason only Dean was allowed to call him Sammy. He couldn't deal with it if everyone did.
Not even Dad could.
It made him feel insecure. Sammy had never wanted this life. Hunt, kill, and hunt again. A never-ending cycle of blood and gore.
Sammy wanted to be strong, like Dean. 4-year old Sammy had copied Dean's every action. Hero-worship.
So Sammy had run. He applied for college. Sammy ran away to Stanford.
Sammy wanted to become Sam.
Sammy met Jess. It made him feel like he'd finally, finally, grown up.
He missed Dean horribly those years. He would wonder what Dean would think of Jess.
Dean had always loved blondes.
Then he came back. And Jess died before Dean could know her.
And Sammy lost his strength.
He'd been dragged back into hunting. To avenge Jess. To find the demon. To regain his strength.
Through it all, Dean's gruff, silent support had always been present.
His world had fallen apart, but Dean would always stay.
In the end, that was all that really mattered, if Sam looked back and thought about it.
Azazel had bled into his mouth. He had been cursed with demon blood.
Sam hated the way Dean would look at him. As if he was a freak.
Then Sam figured out his powers. And Dean went to Hell.
Sam started using it then. To get Dean back. It made him feel powerful. Strong. In control.
It made him feel like Sam, not Sammy.
Then Dean came back.
And Sam's life had a purpose once again. He didn't tell Dean about it. He lied, because somewhere deep, deep down in himself, he knew what he was doing was wrong.
It didn't stop him from doing it, though.
Dean found out, and lost his faith in Sammy.
Sammy was almost gone, and Sam was filling up the empty place.
Sam chose Ruby then. Chose to kill Lilith. And brought Lucifer back.
And Sam lost the only constant in his world at that time. Sam lost Dean.
Sammy lost Dean.
Sammy wasn't there anymore. Only Sam was left behind.
He got what he wanted. Sammy became Sam.
Except he didn't want to be Sam anymore.
Dean knew it too. He never called Sam 'Sammy' any longer.
It terrified him. Maybe Dean didn't love him now.
Maybe Dean wouldn't protect him now.
His eyes would burn, every single time Dean called him Sam.
Dean never called him by his ridiculous nickname. Not now.
That was the day Sam wanted to become Sammy again.