A/N Soo, this is my latest effort. As you can see by the characters listed, its a Slash fic. If that bothers you, please dont even start it because I am not making any apologies for it or for what I do to the characters, it is what it is. This will not update as fast as my other stories have because its got a lot of pain put in it ,(as well as humor) and it tends to make me wander around muttering and cussing a bit as I write.
Being a secret is no way to live or love.
Twenty years after I drove off down the highway vowing to never look back, never to think about him or this damned town ever again, here I stand talking to him, my heart bleeding all over my boots just as raw and aching as it was the last time his name crossed my lips.
Nothing much has changed for me, I am still the black sheep of the family, still falling short of everyone's expectations, except in fucking up, not only my life, but the lives of those around me as well and I can't help but to believe that it all comes back to him and that point in time when my life took a sharp wrong turn in the wrong direction.
It really isn't his fault I guess, he really didn't have much say in what happened and how things changed, but I still can't help but to wonder that if I hadn't tried to force his hand, tried to force him to admit what we had, and who we were to each other, if maybe, just maybe, it all would have worked out in the end and it would be me up there on that stage next to him instead of her, and our lives would have had that fairy tale ending. Fairytale ending? Isn't that just fucking ironic? We, the so-called 'Fairy's" never seem to be the ones to get them.
A lifetime ago…
"Hey, I think you might be in the wrong class buddy." The guy sitting at the table where I had set my books before stepping out the side door to smoke a quick cigarette before the rest of the cadets filed in, did not look like he belonged in a police academy class at all, unless it was to be a volunteer for the drug search section. His hair was shaggy and sticking up like he hadn't introduced it to a comb in a week, and he was wearing a t-shirt and jeans that left him looking like last season's scarecrow because they were obviously for someone at least a couple sizes smaller than his 6'4 or better frame that was sprawled all over the chair like he couldn't decide if he wanted to sit in the chair or sleep in the floor. He blearily blinked at me and gave me a toothy grin.
"Is this the first class of the police academy?"
"Well, yes it is, but…"
"Then I am in the right place."
"What department are you with? You are supposed to be sponsored by a police department to be able to get into this class."
"I am sponsored by a department, check it out." He stood up, towering over me, which caused him to grin even bigger, "Hey, do you know you are kinda short?"
"That's not cool. Let me see that." I took the wadded up paper he had retrieved from the depths of his pocket, along with a myriad of other junk that was now scattered all over my formerly orderly table, and unwadding it I was dismayed to find it did indeed introduce him as a newly accepted and sponsored cadet for MY department! He was a sheriff's cadet, the same as me.
"Who do you know? How did you get hired?"
"What do you mean, know? I don't know anybody. I just applied and they said okay."
"Do you have a degree? Are you a veteran? How old are you? What your story?"
"Well aren't you the nosy little fella. Don't you think you ought to at least buy me dinner before you go asking me so many questions?"
"What! What are you talking about! I'm not gay!"
"Riiight….you just are that neat and orderly and well groomed naturally? Dude, if you are trying to hide it, you need to learn to blend better."
I couldn't even respond to him at that point because the director of the academy came walking into the room.
"Whitlock, good to see you, I knew you would be here early. I see you have met Cullen. He's the sheriffs' new golden boy computer crimes genius. Cullen, you might be slated to work mainly white collar and tech shit once you are certified, but you still have to meet standards and get that way, and if you show up in my classroom looking like hammered shit again, that won't be happening. Whitlock, the sheriff wanted me to let you know, you are responsible for that lump sitting next to you, so 'Mutt, meet Jeff", you two will also be sharing quarters in the dorms."
"Wait, what? I have to live with him? He acts like such a tight ass I bet he sleeps at attention. Nobody said anything about this being like, a round the clock thing. I do have a life you know. Why do I have to live in the dorms? I have a place!"
"Cullen that is not my problem, that is between you and your department and your new best friend. You have 3 days to get your shit squared away and get moved into the dorms and then report back to training looking like the rest of my dialed in individuals or else you and your partner in crime will find yourselves in a world of shit or separated from the academy, so I strongly suggest you figure things out pretty quick. Now, if you ladies don't mind, I have other cadets to see to besides you prima donnas, so figure yourselves out on your own time."
"Yes Sir!" I snapped to like the Marine I was and sat down as soon as I cleared Cullen's crap off of my spot. I couldn't believe I was being saddled with someone who had seemingly no esprit de corps. I sat there looking at him, slumped like a big, stoned gorilla, half hanging off the chair looking like he was going to step out of the oversized basketball shoes he was wearing that were the most God awful and gaudy colors. I could only imagine what his living habits were like as I pictured his clutter all over the orderly and neat dorm room I had already moved into. I took careful notes the first night, filed all the handouts in my department issued binder and by the end of the night I was more than prepared to not only come properly equipped for the next class, I was lined out for the next few weeks and I was planning study groups for my other department members to build us into a cohesive team, with Cullen as our weak link.
"Hey Whitlock, I think you forgot something…"
"Your boots are hanging out of the director's ass a little bit; you might want to bend your knees."
"Why don't we just take this outside right now motherfucker?"
"What?" Dude, lighten up. I was just teasing you a little."
"Well, I am tired of it and I am not going to put up with it for the duration. I have done my time in the Corp and I am more than capable of kicking your rangy ass, so if you want to keep on being a smart ass, then let's go."
"Dude, I don't want to hurt you. You seem like a good guy and we are going to be living together and shit, I don't want you to kill me in my sleep."
"We will see who hurts who, motherfucker. I will not be picked on. Now you either step outside and we settle this like men or you shut the fuck up and learn to listen like the good little civilian."
"There aint nothing little on me, can you say the same?"
The director, who had been working on gathering his briefcase up at his desk while pointedly ignoring the testosterone fueled standoff in the back of the room, looked up at that point because I think he realized that the going outside part was about to become less of an option as I drew back and punched Cullen in the gut.
It was a good shot and it did wind him for about half a second. He looked at me and said, "You hit me, you DICK!" and then he hit me back, HARD.
He had fists that as they were coming at me, seemed to be the size of my head, and the one that connected with my skull left me seeing stars and on my knees in front of him.
"That seems like a good position for you; I bet you assume it often, don't you?"
"Oh fuck." The director muttered from the front of the room as he took out his cell phone and called for his second in command just as I punched Cullen in his knee, dropping him to my level and then tackling him and punching him in the face and neck over and over as he tried to get me in a bear hug, but instead ended up pinning me face down on the floor and laying on top of me like a disgusting blanket.
"Uh, guys? I understand you want to get better acquainted and such, but I need to lock up tonight and you do have a room in the dorm for that shit. Get off of each other and take your shit on down the road."
Cullen took his time getting up off of me, making sure to push his groin into my ass as he got up whispering in my ear, "Bet you like that, don't you?"
Honestly? I was to angry and shocked to know how I felt as I jumped up and rammed him right in the gut and out the door and into the parking lot where we rolled around throwing punches and kicks and even elbows, until the director threw our backpacks at us as he got into his car.
"You ladies better kiss and make up pretty quick; otherwise it's going to make living together all kinds of fun for you."
Cullen was momentarily distracted by the director leaving, so I was able to use that to my advantage, and honestly, I was past fighting fair. He was a moose compared to me, I had no backup coming to help me out so I did the one thing I knew would work, I went for a sack tap, I did not expect to find that he was the one who seemed to be enjoying our rolling around on the ground fight in unexpected ways, I knew then that this was going to be a very weird beginning of a change in my life.