Author's Note: Updated 9th of Oct, 2013. Very same concept as before, just written better.
Looking down at the empty shell that was her girlfriend, JJ asked the same question that she always did. "Can I do anything?" Though, truthfully, she knew that there was only one thing that her lover needed when she went to this place. She simply needed to feel. In any possible sense of the word; she needed to feel.
It had always been the same, even back when they were first starting out. She'd seen it at first in vacant eyes that had seemed to appear, not gradually, but so out of the blue that it had caught her off guard on more than one occasion. But over time she had learnt to recognise it's imminence in the full, genuine smiles of complete contentment that always preceded these moments and represented the intense storm before the numbing calm. Those smiles to most people, and justifiably so, would have indicated happiness but not to JJ. No, JJ knew different. She knew that it was when the brunette was at her most visibly happy that things were about to take a turn; she knew because she'd been permitted to witness these moments, to witness this Emily, in ways that no one else ever had, and there had never been a day that she hadn't felt honoured for such admittance.
It had taken her months to recognise the correlation and figure out the medication that Emily required when she found herself trapped in that void; months of trying and failing, months of soft words laced with genuine concern that, if possible, seemed to further the distance between her and the brunette. Until one night, something had crossed her mind.. Something so unorthodox and unconventional that when it came to Emily Prentiss – the most unconventional person she had ever met – she thought just might work.
She had waited.. waited until those once soulful brown eyes were at their most distant, waited until those full smiles had faded completely behind the closed door of her home, waited until that goddess-like body was nothing more than a robot running on fumes; and then she had stepped into her character, with only a minor hesitation as to whether this was really the right thing to do when Emily far from resembled someone in the mood for such activities. But it had worked. She'd found the charm, and it had really worked. It didn't matter that it was beyond her comfort zone to be so assertive in this regard - over time she had made it her comfort zone - because there would never be a day that she would deny Emily, not for anything..
Which had never been more true than in this very moment; when the distance in the brunette's eyes seemed to place her somewhere thousands of miles away from where she had ever been in the past. The typically dark, vibrant flecks in those eyes now resembled dried dirt beneath the summer sun; lifeless and defeated from the lengthy scrutiny of such heat. Except the flames of that sun that she had witnessed in certain scenarios on a daily basis were nothing more than ashes too, without even the smouldering lines of smoke that proved that it was ever anything more than a pile of nothing. Except it had been something - something incredible, incandescent, mighty and colossal - and JJ wasn't going anywhere until she felt it's warmth again, until she had breathed her own life into it and brought back the once, sometimes blinding, light that was Emily Prentiss.
Sometimes Emily was envious of the blonde; envious of her ability to cry without difficulty - envious and irrationally angry - because that's what it boiled down to in so many ways. It seemed to be a warped rationale, a somewhat lame attempt at placing logic into something that had always been entirely illogical; but perhaps if she had ever been capable of that simple act, she wouldn't be drowning right now, without the strength or any real desire to kick her feet until she felt the rush of the surface air flooding her lungs. Without needing someone to rescue her, toss her a life jacket and drag her from the current that she had already allowed to sweep her away. Someone who was far stronger than she had ever been, and this woman truly was.. Why was it that JJ could wear her emotions on her sleeve, yet she herself was completely incapable? Why, instead of being able to let her tears flow freely, was she always met with a tightness in her chest and anger and frustration making its presence known in the white of her knuckles? Why, every time she tried to find her way out, take care of herself, was she met with both complete nonchalance and paralysing panic that showed itself in the hammering of her heartbeat and what felt like the physical twisting of her brain; but absolutely nowhere else?
She wondered if she'd always been this way, but in her current semi-comatose state, she really didn't have the energy or desire to search for such answers. So instead, she shook her head slightly in response to the question that she had heard many times before, her face devoid of the emotions that were rushing and rushing to leave her body, to leave her as nothing but an empty shell; but at the same time she stared. She stared with those vacant eyes and hoped that JJ would hear the silent plea that she would never verbalise; could never verbalise. But when JJ left the room after what seemed like an excruciating eternity, she sighed in resignation, assuming her unwilling this time, and rolled away from the door through which her only saviour had just exited.
But JJ was willing, and Emily should have known that – she never let her down, and when JJ returned to find the brunette in a position that was essentially an act of defeat, she wasn't sure whether to feel hurt that she hadn't trusted her to give her what she needed after all this time, or heartache for the fact that this woman whom she loved with everything she had was so destroyed and yet so.. nothing.
And so it began.
Standing at the side of the bed, JJ reached over and roughly pulled the back of Emily's pants down - only slightly. See, JJ knew that this game had to be meticulously played out; it couldn't be rushed, and each move was as important as the last. JJ also knew that at this very second in time, Emily was wet - wet from that one simple action, wet from the fact that she hadn't asked permission, wet from the fact that she didn't need to ask permission.
And she was right. But despite the heat in her lower stomach - really the only thing that she had felt in several hours now - Emily didn't stir. She didn't turn to face JJ, and she didn't say a word. Words weren't a part of this game; words were the reason that this game existed – to avoid having to articulate them. So she remained very still - like her mind was giving her much of a choice - and waited to be coaxed back into her body like an EMT returning life into a corpse.
Climbing onto the bed to kneel beside Emily, JJ pulled the older woman's pants and panties down awkwardly once more, this time to her upper thighs, before speaking; her voice not quite her own. "Remove them."
Emily's eyes met blue for the first time since JJ had left the room. They were still as empty as they had been, an almost rebellious nonchalance in them, but there was a very faint flicker of gratitude laced in there too that was meant only for JJ to find. And find it, she did, as was evidenced by the ridiculing words that left heavenly, pink lips and the small hands that shoved her onto her back and hastily pulled at her almost removed jeans and underwear.
"Do I have to do everything for you?" JJ spat purposely, trying desperately to keep the apology that she knew was unnecessary and unwanted off of her face as she tossed Emily's clothes to the ground and positioned herself between roughly parted legs.
The older woman was so incredibly wet; she could see it glistening between those porcelain thighs and she had to suppress a groan of pure appreciation. She was perilously close to burying her face in that wetness and devouring all that it had to offer.. and that was not what Emily needed. So, instead, she focussed on something else; leant back on her calves and worked on the zipper of her own pants, but when she recognised slight movement in Emily, in the form of an almost nervous, elegant hand reaching up slowly, she couldn't honestly say that her next move was solely for the brunette's benefit.
"You want to feel, do you?" JJ asked almost rhetorically, such a strong sense of dominance in her voice that felt both foreign and familiar to her. It was fake dominance, of course - she was more of the submissive counterpart - but in these moments, when Emily was lost in her own darkness, she was anything but submissive. If this is what her love needed, then this is what she would get.
She watched Emily's head twitch slightly in a subtle nod and immediately recognised the glistening of tears beginning in those somewhat darker brown eyes; it was working. It was working and it fuelled her to no end. Grabbing Emily's hand in a surprisingly strong grip, she pressed it hard against the object in her pants and let out the groan that she had disallowed herself several minutes ago; momentarily forgetting that this was in fact about Emily, but that was as purposely done as it was helplessly.
This, along with the fact that she was being domineering in ways that she wouldn't typically be, was the moment that crossed boundaries for JJ; the moment that she knew left Emily feeling like nothing more than an object, the moment that left her feeling like a used toy, the moment that left her feeling worthless. She hated knowing that she was purposely making her feel that way, and it had, in the beginning, been incredibly difficult for her to refrain from falling out of character and showering the brunette with words wrapped in love and apology and comfort. But during a conversation in one of Emily's more 'lucid' moments, the brunette had explained simply that she couldn't explain; she couldn't explain why she needed to feel so incredibly used, dominated, controlled but just that she did and that JJ shouldn't feel bad for giving it – that she was actually giving her what she needed, not taking advantage.
And it was in that moment that JJ had found the reasons that the older woman herself couldn't explain. Emily was notorious for being so beyond controlled and precise and meticulous that sometimes even watching it happen was exhausting in itself; which told JJ that for the 'victim', that must have been magnified. If it was tiring for her to watch, then it had to be at the very least exhausting for Emily to live day in, day out. And that is what this was about: she needed one moment, just one moment where she could completely relinquish that control and wholly give herself over to another person in ways that she very rarely allowed herself to.
So she ground herself harder and faster against Emily's hand, bracing her own at either side of the brunette's head so that her euphoric pants and whimpers hummed against crimson lips; so that she could look the older woman square in the eye as she chased her orgasm against the hand that had no choice in neither purposely causing nor denying such release. And as she came, and came surprisingly hard, her lips purposely twisted into an almost smug smirk that took every ounce of her determination but was another necessary step in this meticulous process, and whispered almost harshly, grotesquely directly into the older woman's ear. "You were perfect."
And then she moved. With no hesitation she pulled away, tugged her own pants and underwear down to her knees and bathed in the eyes that were so encouragingly glossed with promising tears as she pushed the brunette's thighs almost painfully apart and ran her new appendage along liquid heat; the hiss of pleasure escaping Emily's lips a melody to her ears that soothed the niggling voice within that still questioned what she was doing.
But whilst she was waging war with herself, Emily's lungs were opening with new life, filling with a need and a gratitude for this blonde angel between her parted thighs who never failed her – filling with actual, real, feeling and she found herself craving in ways that she hadn't felt since the last time.
As if reading Emily's mind, JJ hooked her arms under those parted legs, pulling the brunette closer and further down the bed, until she was directly above her. "You're so wet for me.." She whispered, forcing the toy slowly but firmly inside of her lover and watching as heavy lids briefly covered those beautiful eyes that, when they opened again, were painted with increasing promise, and colour, and life.
She didn't wait for Emily to adjust. It wasn't that she wasn't courteous enough for such a thing - she just knew that she didn't need to. If JJ was certain of one thing, it was that Emily thrived on the exquisite pain that she was currently experiencing; the excruciatingly pleasurable stretch of need and invasion, and when she found herself inside the brunette as deep as she could physically go, she pulled out and slammed into her again without warning.
"Does that feel good, baby?" It's true that words weren't a part of this game, but JJ got her response from the deep moan that escaped Emily's lips as she repeated the action again. And again. And again. And again.
The older woman's whimpers and pants filled the air, and her heart soared through the sound. To the blonde, these noises were more than just groans of pleasure; they were proof that this was helping. That she was helping. They weren't words, they weren't admissions of the brunette's troubled mind, but they were the first sounds that she had heard leave Emily's lips all day and she was more than happy with that. It was what made this moment, this wholly out of character situation that she had willingly thrown herself into for her lover, worth it.
She wanted to make love to her, to just.. love her. And it took every ounce of her mental energy ever single time that she witnessed this limp and lifeless version of Emily as she mercilessly pounded into her to remind herself that that is actually what she was doing. This was love in a purposely deceptive disguise; the beautiful sounds pouring from crimson lips and budding tears the only real encouragement that kept her going, pushed her through that wall of uncertainty that she was forced to meet each and every time that Emily hit her own. She wanted to feel her; her arms, her hands, her legs wrapped around her. But she was aware that Emily knew her place in this game and that she wouldn't dare risk compromising the end that she needed in order to breathe again.
Which was why the blonde was both surprised and elated when the brunette grabbed a handful of her golden hair, pulling her down, and she took the hint instantly; biting down hard on her pulse point as she continued to thrust into her. Anyone else would have stopped when they heard their lover scream, or tasted fresh blood on their tongue, but JJ knew Emily too well to do that and instead, she positioned her mouth a little lower and repeated the same action; achieving the same twisted yet inspiring effect.
Pushing herself up to rest on her hands above Emily once again for further leverage, JJ caught site of those now watery eyes once more and for a moment she lost her place entirely. She slowed her motions and considered for a second, stopping completely. All she wanted was to cradle Emily in her arms, to tell her that everything was going to be okay; promise her that. But that wasn't what she needed and she knew as much; reinforced immediately by the somewhat disappointed, silent pleas that rippled around almost-black brown like small pebbles tossed into a still lake.
So, JJ took those arms that longed so much to hold her girlfriend, those hands that longed to stroke through her raven locks, and used them for other purposes.
Grabbing Emily's wrists firmly, she slammed them above the brunette's head; pinning them there in a vice grip, before leaning down to whisper into her ear. "I'm gonna find you, Emily." And with a bite of her earlobe, she slammed into her lover once again; much faster than before, much harder than before, much more relentless and with more determination than before.
She could no longer see her face, but she knew the tears were still there, closer than ever to pouring out and bringing with them the release that Emily so desperately needed. All that was required was one final push, and she knew just how to give her it.
"Touch yourself." Again, she didn't ask, and she didn't suggest; she demanded. She knew that Emily wouldn't do as she was told right away though - that wasn't how this worked. Emily needed to see that she wasn't going to back down and she showed her as much as she released her hands, pushing one of them between her legs, and demanding once more. "Now."
Emily complied this time, circling her clit slowly at first, unable to keep up with the the blonde's speed; then quickened her pace to match those thrusts when the younger woman roughly grabbed her jaw with one hand to keep her from looking away. Her dark eyes, seemingly far more exposed than her body right now, remained daringly locked with soothing blue as she chased her climax. She felt entirely like she was playing with fire, offering her soul out without a care for how it would be returned to her, but that was the danger she needed; that was what would take her there and she refused to look away.
JJ basked in the sounds of the brunette's moans growing louder with every thrust, every taunt, each stroke and flick of her clit, because she knew that Emily was getting close; that the darkness would soon be gone, and that she'd be able to hold her girlfriend once more. She could see it in those dark eyes; those dark eyes that were currently open only for her, for her benefit and perusal and there would never be a day that she would make the brunette regret such permission. It was like witnessing a storm from the very centre of it. These were Emily's darkest moments, when she was at her most unrestrained and unguarded, and JJ held them close to her heart; protected them with a silent promise and wrapped them in unconditional love.
And as she recognised Emily's release fastly approaching on the horizon, she broke that thunderously silent stare and for the first time that evening, captured her lover's lips with her own. She needed to be able to make the transition from rough to gentle, forceful to comforting once Emily finally came undone, and quite honestly, this one intimate gesture was as much for her in these moments as it was Emily – to keep her grounded in something so dark, something that had the power to be so dangerously hypnotising.
"Come for me, baby." She whispered against Emily's lips, coaxing her towards the light; though, this time, she didn't demand. The words were soft and gentle, full of love and somewhat cautious. "You're safe. Come for me, Emily.."
It didn't take much more than that, and as she came, Emily almost gasped for air; as though she was physically emerging from the depths of her despair, finally able to breathe, and see, and feel. For that one exquisite moment that bloomed between her thighs and floruished across her whole body, Emily felt wholly free. Wholly free and..
JJ heard her lover's silent tears turn to audible, heart-breaking sobs, felt strong arms grip tight around her whole body and hands clutch at the back of her shirt as those tears soaked through the material. "I love you.." She whispered as she brushed back Emily's sweat-slick hair. "Shh, I got you." She whispered some more. "I've always got you."
And Emily truly believed it. As she sobbed into the crevice of JJ's shoulder, the white of her knuckles no longer from anger, or frustration, but from the need to cling to this one thing that always kept her tethered; she believed it. This woman was her angel, her light at the end of every dark tunnel that she came to. Her safety net when she herself was the current that she needed saving from.
And as she cried, and cried some more, JJ was there. As she always had been. As she, Emily hoped, always would be.