My mind says to update, but my heart says to play video games and watch Disney movies...but since I have a snow day tomorrow, I can stay up late and do both!

Also, as a response to someone who called me and my self-insert a Sue: My name isn't Sue, it's Lisa. Wolf is the name I chose back in my grade school Neopets days when my mom thought my first name on the internet would have me chased by pedophiles. And here's the way I see it: My little self-insert will never be a main character in this story. I won't have special powers or alchemy or anything besides the ability to change the story and mess with the characters (which my real abilities, since I'm the writer). I'll never be romantically involved with an FMA character in this either, and I'll only be in a handful of chapters when the fourth wall is broken, like with the Homunculi chapter: everyone getting mad at me and threatening my life. If you don't like that, I'm sorry, but cut me some slack. Writing this is harder than it looks, especially since I lost the list, and the little self-insert every now and then is just stress relief, a little bit of fun for me.

Anyways, I own nothing but the list itself!


325: I will not refer to Scar's alchemic powers as "mindblowing."

"We can't keep getting beaten like this! Man, trying to figure out how to face Scar is just a real brain-fart..." Ed moaned as he slumped down on the couch.

"Better a brain-fart than a brain-explosion..." Alphonse murmured sagely.

"YOU'RE NOT HELPING, AL!"


326: I will not show Riza Hawkeye's tattoo on Inked.

The liquor store was sparsely packed, Hawkeye noticed as she nonchalantly strode in and perused the aisles. The Colonel had sent her here on an all-too-important mission...replenishing his stock of whiskey, since "Fullmetal was driving him to drink." This had been the nearest place with alcohol, and though Hawkeye hadn't wanted to go, Mustang had been on one of his insane platypus rants again, and she hadn't wanted to stick through that.

As she waited patiently on the cashier, she overheard a group of bikers discussing their manly additions to their bodies.

"No, check it out, it's a heart for my mom!"

"...Why does everyone get those tattoos? I've got a shark on my bicep!"

"I did a drunken dare once and got a potato tattooed on my spine."

"My whole back is covered with the cast of My Little Pony! ...Hey, lady, what're you looking at?" Hawkeye jolted slightly though in her stoic fashion, turning to the man who addressed her. "You got any cool tats?"

Hawkeye paused, considered her answer, and then contributed her share. "Only a dark and dangerously secret tattoo that entails the secrets of an art that causes death and destruction in its wake and is responsible for the ruin of cities and thousands of people. Nothing major."

She left the store, leaving the crowd gawking in confusion.


327: I will not put Envy's true, tiny form into rigorous training to see if it can evolve into Butterfree.

"Envy, use String Shot!" Lust ordered during one battle with the Elric brothers.

Envy turned to her, sneering. "Lust, that's just disgusting!"


328: I will not forced Dr. Marcoh to watch The Human Centipede and ask if Ishval was like that.

Envy gave the captive Dr. Marcoh an incredulous look. "Are you sure you never sewed someone's mouth to..."

Marcoh rocked himself to and fro, trying to block out the movie's repulsiveness. "I should've made brain bleach instead of a Philosopher's Stone..."


329: I will not refer to Hohenheim and Father as Solid and Liquid Snake.

Van Brohenheim grinned at his errant clone, adjusting his awesome shades. "Dwaaaaaaarf, do you like my sunglasses?"

Ed sighed and facepalmed. "Bastard ditches us and mom to go play video games..."


330: I will not force Edward Elric into a Donald Duck costume.

Mustang thought it was a fabulous idea at first. After all, it poked fun at both Edward's height and over-the-top temper and ranting...

But then everyone remembered that Donald Duck doesn't wear pants, and long story short, Ed sprinting after Mustang in the costume around Central resulted in several restraining orders from various disgusting women and parents...as well as several terrifying love letters.


331: I will not cast Mustang in one of the lead roles of Central Command's production of Singing in the Rain.

"I'm snapping in the rain, just snaaaaapping in the raaaain! What a horrible feeling, there's no flames again!"

"SHUT UP, FULLMETAL!"


332: I will not rewrite the dress code so female officers have to wear TINY MINISKIRTS!

"I didn't expect Fuhrer Bradley to agree with the miniskirts thing," Havoc commented lightly as he watched a couple of the female officers walk by in their brand new miniskirts, which had just arrived the day before. Seeing Hawkeye's critical Hawk's Eye, heaverted his gaze and sighed, wanting to stare but not wanting to lose any gray matter to a bullet in the process.

"Yeah, me neither," Mustang growled as he walked past Havoc to get some coffee. "He took away my greatest promise as future Fuhrer!"

"But still..." Fuery sighed as he pushed up his glasses.


333: - ...Nor will I rewrite the dress code so male officers must wear TINY MINISKIRTS too.

It was then the door to Team Mustang's quarters slammed open, allowing the one and only Fullmetal Alchemist to storm in carrying a highly offensive item. "COLONEL ROY MUSTANG, WHY THE HELL DID FUHRER BRADLEY COME TO SEE ME PERSONALLY AND TELL ME I HAVE TO WEAR THIS!" This happened to be a miniskirt of the same make as the one Hawkeye and everyone else was wearing. He went to rant on, but seeing Mustang in his own blue and white miniskirt gave him pause before he broke down in a spectacular giggle fit.

"I don't like it either Fullmetal -"

"COLONEL MUSTANG, EDWARD ELRIC, I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!"

Ed all but jumped into Mustang's arms in terror and the colonel himself let out a squeal of terror as Major Armstrong burst through the wall in his own waaaay too short skirt.

"RUN!" Ed ordered his superior, and Mustang, too terrified to acknowledge Ed's presence or the insubordinace, fled the scene, carrying his newly psychologically scarred subordinate, his other subordinates not far behind him.


334: Roy Mustang must not replace Lust as the new Homunculus Roy Lustang.

Unlike the previous Lust, Roy Lustang was more into perversion than bloodlust.

"Hey Envy, how about I teach you the laws of...THERMODYNAMICS?"

"FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M NOT A WOMAN!"


335: The Gate of Truth is not the door to Kingdom Hearts.

Alphonse pointed the oversized key he had transmuted at Father, glaring angrily despite it not being apparent. "No, we can't let you have your seven Princess sacrifices!"

"Why am I stuck in this stupid Donald Duck costume again?" Ed was paying less attention to their arch-foe and was instead bemoaning his horrible costume.

Mustang huffed, "Because we called it even for me having to wear this moronic Goofy costume."

But Father had more pressing concerns than the success of his plan. "Why is that short blond boy not wearing pants?!"


336: The Truth is not guarding the secret of "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"

The Truth grinned maliciously at Edward Elric, ready to screw around with its favorite, foolish, human plaything once more. "So you came back for your brother after all! What will you sacrifice this time? Your liver? A kidney-stone, perhaps? All of your body hair?"

Ed shrugged. "Actually, I'm not here for Al at all."

"BROTHER, YOU TRAITOR!"

The Truth tried to raise an intrigued eyebrow, only to remember he had no eyebrows. Hmm, he'd have to steal one from the next person who came to the Gate. "Well, why are you here then?"

Ed rifled through his pockets for a couple minutes. Finally, he pulled out a tiny sucker wrapped in a vivid orange wrapper. "I need to know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie -"

"It's five hundred and eighty-six licks." Ed blinked owlishly, not having expected a real answer. "Oh come on, you're not the first to ask. You had your answer, now pay up!"

Five minutes later, Ed was teleported onto the desk of Colonel Mustang, missing yet another leg. Mustang shrieked and jumped out of his seat, not having expect his subordinate to ever arrive in a manner like this. "FULLMETAL! What the hell happened? Who did this to you?!"

"My own curiosity did..." Ed whimpered in pain before he passed out.


I'm not too happy with most of these...but Brohenheim has returned! And I'm going to try to write a oneshot about Roy Lustang, since I ended up writing a bunch of little drabbles about it. I'll combine them all for one big, hilarious oneshot!

Anyways, I'm really sorry guys. I'm going to keep trying to finish this, but who knows, it's just getting worse as time goes on. I think a couple of chapters ago was my humor's peak...Long story short, I may not finish this since I'm losing inspiration. I'm really sorry.