Okay, so I know this update took forever...but I do have some excuses! Granted not enough to excuse this long of a hiatus, but they're not bad. I've been super stressed out over college, family drama, polishing my book's final draft, and then...Tales of Symphonia Chronicles. That game is so addicting. To anyone who plays Tales, YOU CAN MAKE KRATOS RIDE THE ROLLERCOASTER.
Anyways, I want to give a special shout-out to ZakuroU, who actually recommended this fic to Todd Haberkorn (AKA the voice of Ling Yao). Thanks so much for doing that, and if you're reading this Todd, your voice work is awesome!
Annnnyyyyyyways, I own nothing but the list itself. Enjoy! Just a warning, but there is a semi-obscure reference to Tales of Xillia in 347, so if you're unfamiliar I reccomend looking up "Teach me about bazongas" on Google and telling me if the old man's voice sounds familiar. XD
337.) I will not turn Father's five human sacrifices into the Avengers.
Ed scowled at Mustang and shifted uncomfortably in his red, white, and blue spandex, feeling extremely uncomfortable wearing superhero cosplay gear in the presence of Homunculi but also loving every minute of it. Technically they SHOULD be trying to fight Father, but since it was Avengers roleplay day (they couldn't go against their schedule after all, and they'd all wanted something different from Star Wars day), they really had to argue until the death of a comrade inspired them. "Big Colonel in a pair of fancy gloves. Take those away and what are you?"
Mustang shrugged and tried to give Ed a sizzling glare, but due to his blindness he ended up awkwardly staring at Izumi's bust. "...Genius. Fuhrer. Playboy. Philanthropist."
"YOU'RE NOT FUHRER YET, YOU LIAR!"
"Why am I wearing Colonel Mustang's drapes again?" Hohenheim asked, fidgeting with his new fancy hammer despite barely being able to lift it. "And who is this Thor person?"
Izumi, just as out of the pop culture scene as him, shrugged, though he continued to fiddle with Black Widow's assorted weapons. She had to admit, she liked this role.
Finally having enough of all these list entries concerning Fullmetal Alchemist characters dressing up as other fictional characters, Father stormed away from his seat, stomped past a befuddled Pride who considered himself above such tomfoolery as costumery, and foully hissed at the closest sacrifice, which happened to be Alphonse, "Enough of this! I am a god-"
Alphonse, painted green for the occasion, snatched Father by the ankle and bodily whipped him into the ground many, many times, leaving the ground in ruins where Father agonizingly struck it. "BE QUIET, NO ONE RUINS COSPLAY DAYS FOR ME!"
You never want to see Alphonse angry.
338.) -Obviously Lieutenant Hawkeye must not play the role of Hawkeye either.
"Killjoy," Havoc sighed at Hawkeye. He'd played along, after all, being forced to dress as Agent Coulson and letting himself get "killed."
Hawkeye sighed as well, though hers was born from exasperation rather than disappointment. "The casting of me as Hawkeye is too obvious a joke..."
339.) I will not say Scar is "Ishballin'."
Once Ed made that pun, Scar was never seen playing basketball again.
340.) I will not sing "If You're Tiny and You Know It, Clap Your Hands" in front of Edward Elric, for it is a highly dangerous song.
Mustang really didn't know when to quit, even when Ed made several threats against Mustang's life, health, and manhood. "If you're shrimpy and you know and you really want to show it! If you're shrimpy and you know it clap-"
"FINE, I'LL CLAP!" Ed yelled. Grinning manically, Ed clapped his hands together, producing the ominous, crackling blue light of alchemy. Still grinning like the mad spawn of the devil Ed slammed his palms into the ground, transmuting a great palm from the floor that slammed into Mustang and hurled him out the window.
Roy never sang nursery rhymes in front of Edward again.
341.) I will not explain to Alphonse how cat is a staple in the Xingese diet.
It had been a long day at work in Central Command. Mounds and mounds of paperwork that the Colonel refused to fill out had somehow migrated to the desks of his inferior subordinates, and as a result the work had overwhelmed his crew, Havoc in particular. It didn't help that he had songs by some guy named Odd Mal or something or other.
They say the best way to get a song out of your head is to sing it, and that's just what he did.
"Has it ever crossed your mind when you're eating Xingese, it's not chicken or pork but a fat Siamese? Yet the food tastes great so you don't complain, but that's not chicken in your chicken chow mein!"
By now the rest of Mustang's underappreciated pencil pushers were gawking at Havoc. Hawkeye was staring at him like he'd grown a second head and was discussing masty take-out with it, but to his relief Fuery and Breda also knew the song and ended up singing along, though very off-key.
"Seems to me I ordered sweet-and-sour pork, but Garfield's on my fork! He's purring here on my fork!" Hawkeye abruptly adopted a look of panic. Turning to follow her gaze, Breda and Fuery felt their own eyes widen and their lips quiver in shame and fear, but Havoc, his eyes closed in a bout of deep focus, did not notice their anxiety. "...There's a cat in the kettle at the Peking Moon, the place that I eat every day at noon, They can feed you cat and you'll never know-"
"THEY EAT CAT?!" cried a high, tinny voice. Havoc's eyes snappd open and he spun to face Alphonse, who'd entered the room mere seconds ago. Before he could utter an apology, the armored boy fled the room, making these anguished sobbing noises...noises that escaped Havoc's own mouth as an enraged Fullmetal Alchemist chased him around Central for making his little brother cry.
342.) I will not call Gluttony the Pillsbury Doughboy and poke him repeatedly in the gut.
In the end they couldn't even have Gluttony as their mascot anyways, he ate any baked products he so much as stood next to, let alone got a whiff of...and he ate several photographers as well.
343.) Envy is not actually Mystique from the X-Men.
In the end, Envy's true form was not a grotesque green caterpillar, nor was it the manifestation of human suffering and death. Envy's true form had ginger hair, and that was more shaming than anything.
344.) On the note of superheroes, a better name for Wrath is not Fury and I really shouldn't dye his skin brown.
The Promised Day had come. The Fuhrer had somehow come back from the dead to storm the now-hostile Central Command. With his skin unethically dyed brown, his head shaved bald, and his beloved black eyepatch on, there was only one thing to say...
"I AM TIRED OF ALL THESE MOTHER-bleep-ING TRAITORS IN THIS MOTHER-bleep-ING CITY!"
345.) Despite them nearly being the same thing, I will not refer to Philosopher's Stones as Exspheres.
Ed could have fought Pride with conventional methods, he really could have. He could have punched and kicked and utilized all the complex combat maneuvers Izumi had taught him...
But spamming Pride with the same special attack over and over again was so much easier. "DEMON FANG! DEMON FANG! DEMON FANG! DEMON FANG!"
Pride eventually crumpled under all the Hadoken-ripoff energy waves.
346.) I do not need to potty train my dog of the military.
They didn't need any other training, either.
"Colonel, sit. Stay. Do paperwork." Riza spoke her orders with such seriousness that a lesser man would have obeyed...actually, it was almost certain even Fuhrer Bradley would listen to such a terrifying women.
However, stubborn man-child Mustang took orders from no one. "No!" BANG! The Colonel whimpered and cowered in his seat as a bullet neatly shot off one of his messy strands of hair. "Lieutenant, you can't shoot at me!"
"Bad dog," she said, shooting off another strand of hair again. This sort of training worked for Black Hayate, after all.
"Lieutenant, hello!" Alphonse cried as he and Edward entered the room, Al dragging his grumpy older brother in via a sturdy leash.
"Hello, Alphonse," Hawkeye greeted cordially, keeping one hawk's eye on the disobedient Mustang. "How's your dog training going?"
"Brother likes to growl at me a lot," Alphonse admitted with a sigh, giving Ed a light yank on his leash.
"FOR THE LAST TIME, WE'RE NOT DOGS-"
BANG! Hawkeye skillfully shot off Ed's little antennae, eliciting a shriek of indignant rage and fright from the pint-sized alchemist. "Do you think that helps your problem?"
347.) Roy Mustang is neither Fuhrer of Amestris nor King of Auj Oule, nor is Ling Yao an eldery conductor and mage.
After Ling got Ed to unwittingly shout, "TEACH ME ABOUT BAZONGAS!" in the presences of Winry and Hawkeye, no one trusted the Xingese prince again.
348.) Roy Mustang can't set fire to the rain.
"AND I'M SO UUUUUUUSELESSSSSS IN THE RAAAAIIIIIN!" Underneath his umbrella on that drizzly day, Ed sang to the infamous Adele tune, suprisingly on-key, in the presence of his extremely pissed off superior.
"I TOLD YOU TO NEVER SING THAT AGAIN!" Mustang roared, moving to snap his fingers before remembering his gloves were wet. "I'll have you dishonorably discharged!"
To Ed, it was worth it just to mess with the Colonel. "AND THOSE CLOUDS, THEY WOULD RUE ALL THOSE TIMES THAT THEY PISSED ON MY FLAMES, ON MY FLAMES!"
Roy shook his sopping wet head in disgust and vowed to set fire to the Edward later.
So for making nearly all of that up as I went (only 340, 341, and 342 were on my list), that...wasn't too bad. If you want to see the full song for 348, check out my oneshot Useless In the Rain and don't mind my blatant self-advertising!