(Edited again due to OCD-ness. It'll probably happen again.)
A Note: This isn't really a crossover. More like an "Ed finds out about Twilight" story. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or its characters (they belong to the amazingly talented Hiromu Arakawa). I don't want Twilight (other than to burn it). The rant is an abridged version. If you want a full Twilight rant, feel free to ask. I might type out the complete version (once I actually start writing). If you have any ideas, or want to yell at me for insulting Twilight, say something. I don't really care. Now, onto the story.
Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist and Hero of the People was confused (and somewhat scared).
For any normal fifteen-year-old, this would be perfectly normal, but confusion is a rare emotion for an alchemic prodigy. And as he walked down the halls of Central Headquarters with his younger (yet taller, much to Edward's dismay) brother, Alphonse, his confusion grew. For one thing, all (or at least most) of the female offices seemed to be really excited…and giddy. His annoyance at having to stop his search for the stone to hand in his report to Mustang, and the lecture he was sure to receive for forgetting (because this time it actually was an accident) to hand it in a month earlier was increased as the giggling from the female officers seemed to get louder and louder. And somehow, he got into this.
"Team Edward!" some would declare (thoroughly scaring the alchemical prodigy).
"Team Jacob!" would be quickly countered back.
In all, the female military personal seemed to be doing less work than Colonel Mustang on Lieutenant Hawkeye's sick days. The Fullmetal Alchemist was going to find out what was going on…but then again, curiosity killed the cat.
"Brother, I'm scared. I think the military wants you to fight with this "Jacob" person!" And then there was Al, who was still stuck in his armor, completely confused and worrying about his older brother.
Being his usual graceful, quiet, and gentle self, Ed demolished the door on the way into Mustang's office. "Hell-o Colonel Hotman! Miss me?"
What worried Ed was the way Al neglected to scold him for being rude, never mind the fact that Ed was older (there's a difference between older and more mature). He stomped up to the Colonel's desk and slapped his report onto the nearest empty space (not that there was any).
Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist and Ed's commanding officer just gave one of his (patented) I'm-so-much-better-than-you-'cause-I'm-taller-and-in-a-higher-rank-than-you-and-if-you-disobey-me-I'll-either-court-martial-you-or-burn-you-to-ashes smirks. "Fullmetal," he greeted, "Almost didn't see you over my stack of paperwork. Is it just me, or have you shrunk?" The Flame Alchemist had to admit, the colour show his subordinate went through right before shouting was rather pretty (he didn't even know that shade of purple was humanly possible).
"Who. The. **ing. **. Are. You. Calling. **ing. SHORT?! WHO ARE YOU CALLINGA PIPSQUEAK?!
Mustang groaned as he massaged his aching ear. "Nobody, Fullmetal. You're the one who called yourself sh-"
"Don't say the S-word!"
After a bit more yelling, a couple punches and threats, and some time in the corner (credited to Lieutenant Hawkeye and Alphonse), Ed had calmed down enough to interrogate his superior. "Anyways, what is wrong with the female officers? They're acting like school children."
Mustang inwardly snickered.
So he's not as oblivious as I thought…still…
His smirk grew. "Why would I know? You could ask the Lieutenant. After all, isn't she one of those female officers?"
Ed flushed. "Forgot about that." He muttered as he walked over to the Colonel's nanny (as the other officers call her). "Miss Hawkeye," Al began, eager to find out what was going on, "Do you know why the female officers are acting so…" he paused as he struggled to find a polite word "…strange?"
Riza Hawkeye smiled as she lifted her head from a book adorned with the name 'Harry Potter'. "I'm not entirely sure. Honestly, I've been spending my free time reading this book."
Ed and Al sighed. "I guess we'll never know." Ed lamented, inwardly cursing Mustang for making him ask someone he had to know wouldn't be paying attention to the other officers (because somehow, he knows everything).
They started to exit the building (as fast as possible), when they saw the Second Lieutenant Maria Ross walk by with a furious expression on her face.
"Hey, Lieutenant," Ed said, "Do you happen to know why the female officers are acting so weird?"
Lt. Ross saluted as she made a disgusted face. "Oh that, sir. It's about this book called Twilight." She said, waving around the object in her hand identified as a book with a black cover and some random person holding a fruit. "One of the character's name is Edward. If you want, sir, you can read my copy. And burn it after." She muttered, handing Ed the book.
In their hotel room, Ed took out the book that the second lieutenant gave him. In one hour (He is a prodigy) he finished reading and people walking down the hall outside his hotel room can hear him ranting about the book to his brother.
"I can't believe it! This book is horrible! I might as well bake a cake with my own barf and eat it, as can't make me anywhere near as sick as I was when I read this thing. I mean, Winry would hate this book, what with the way she's always saying that girls are just as good as boys, and can work too. Seriously, hardly any of the female characters have any jobs, half the book is an oxymoron, the majority of it is descriptions about that Edward guy who is nowhere near as awesome as me, and more of it is meaningless details that I honestly couldn't care less about (other when Bella forgets to breathe. The book was ruined when she didn't die.). Why do the officers like this book?"
Al sighed. "Brother, it can't really be that bad."
"Yes, Al, it was. I'd rather drink milk than read another word!"
"Give me the book. I'll prove to you that it isn't as awful as you claim it is."
"No, I promised to keep my little brother safe!" Ed yelled, holding the book (if it could be called that) as far as possible from Al (in the perfect exampl of maturity).
During the middle of the night, when Ed was asleep, Al took the book and went outside to read.
When Ed woke up, he found Al clutching his head (helmet).
"I'm so sorry, brother. I should have never read the book. My glowing red dots are now melting." (Ed was unable to see whether this was literal or a dramatic interpretation of Al's pain)
This was somewhat crack, recently edited, and pretty much pointless. Hope you enjoyed.