Shopping! By Dark Side Luke

Summary: Luke goes shopping for the first time and he looks really, really stupid while he does it.

A/N: Keep in mind, folks, that this is humor and no one can be as thick headed or whipped as Luke is in this story. Luke is my favorite character and it's fun to make him look really stupid. Enjoy!

The sun shone through the windows of Luke's apartment, causing him to open his eyes to a new morning. He looked beside him and saw Mara was gone. He frowned in puzzlement before getting up and getting dressed.

He plodded to the kitchen, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and caught sight of a note on the counter. He picked it up and read it, since that was what he usually did with notes.


Gone to a friend's. Be back tomorrow.


He shrugged and flipped the note over, surprised to see more writing.

P.S. Can you go shopping today? The fridge is empty. Thanks.

He frowned again, running his hand through his blonde hair. He walked to the refrigerator and opened it, seeing a box of baking soda, a can of SPAM, and a bottle of ketchup. He closed the door and opened the cupboards, seeing nothing but an empty box of crackers. He closed them and tried to think out the situation.

There had to be a way to get through the day without having to go shopping. There had to be something! He opened the fridge door again and saw he same contents as before. He stomach growled in anticipation of breakfast.

He grabbed the can of SPAM and used the small key on the bottom of the can to open it. He looked in at the contents, frowning once more.

Could he really eat the stuff?

He shrugged and placed the can on the counter, walking over to the stove and turning on one of the burners, placing a pan on top of it. He waited for the pan to eat before dumping the SPAM in.

After it was cooked, he cut it into pieces and slowly ate it, wincing with every bite. Why, in the name of Ben Kenobi, was he eating SPAM? He shuddered, imagining better foods.

When he was done, he smiled to himself. He had cooked breakfast without having to go shopping. So much for Mara's idea.

However, he didn't have anything else to eat for the rest of the day.

He shrugged to himself and walked into the living room. He had been meaning to start a diet anyway.


Luke's stomach growled at about midday. He tried to ignore it, but after the fourth or fifth time, he couldn't take it anymore. He finally built up the courage to go shopping, but not before checking the cupboards and the fridge once more for any food he might have missed.

Luke had never gone shopping before. Mara had always done it for him, since he was always busy with the Jedi academy and other such affairs. He climbed into his ship and wondered where a good place to shop was. He didn't even know where the grocery stores were. He decided to fly around Coruscant until he could find one.

After an hour of passing hundreds of grocery stores, reluctant to park and actually start shopping, he finally chose one and parked his ship, stepping out and entering the store via the automatic sliding doors.

People crowded the aisles, blocking the exits and checkouts. Luke decided this place had way too many people in it and was about to turn around, when more people bustled in the door and pushed him farther into the store. Luke tried, but escape seemed impossible. He sighed and grabbed the last cart, determined to get this over with.

"Hey, pal, that's my cart you stole!" a large, very large, man said, stepping in front of Luke and grabbing the cart.

"I'm sorry, sir," Luke said. "But I grabbed this cart first. I'm sure you'll find another one." He tried to steer around the man.

"It's my cart." The man loomed over him, an imposing figure. "What are you? Some kind of devil worshipper?" the man asked as he took in Luke's clothes, which were his usual black.

Quickly, Luke used the Force and persuaded the man that it was his cart. The man nodded dumbly and sauntered off to harass some other shopper. Luke sighed and wiped his brow. Close one, he thought.

Luke stopped in front of the produce section, looking over the different types of vegetables, trying to remember what Mara usually bought. What did she usually buy? Did he ever eat what she did buy? Did he want to eat it again? He shook his head when sudden realization came over him.

He was in control. He had total say over what food they had for the week. The thought made him very pleased and he decided to walk right past the produce and into the meat section.

He looked over the choice cuts of meat, trying to think which would be best for a good barbecue. He could invite Han and Lando over and they could all barbecue! They could make a great party out of it. He couldn't remember the last time they had all gotten together and had fun. There get togethers usually revolved around mass chaos and destruction. He shuddered as he thought of the time Leia caught Han and himself playing hockey with Leia's manuscript and umbrellas. (A/N: That happens at the end of See De Frisbee! I never actually wrote it though...)

He picked up several pieces of delicious looking meat and through them in his cart, smiling contentedly. This wasn't so bad. He could make a habit of grocery shopping. He wondered if this many people came to shop every week.

He pushed his cart along the aisles, apologizing to people he bumped into as he looked at the contents of the store. He stopped dead in his tracks in front of a giant display of candy.

Candy! Mara hadn't bought him candy since they were dating. He was practically a health nut now. He had forgotten what candy tasted like, except for the occasional piece he ate when Mara wasn't looking. The display held a product called "Super Happy Atomic Sugar Bombs." He had to shut his mouth to keep from drooling.

He threw in five or six boxes of Super Happy Atomic Sugar Bombs and continued on, stopping at the ice cream section. He couldn't believe his luck! Did they always sell ice cream and candy so close together? Was it legal? Didn't health nuts like Mara petition this kind of thing?

He looked around but saw no protesters. He opened the freezer door and peeked in, wondering which flavor he should choose. There were so many! He hadn't even heard of half of these flavors. Butterscotch? What was that? (A/N: Like really. Who hasn't heard of butterscotch? Luke needs to get out more.)

He thought about which flavor to choose for a good ten minutes and by then, he was very cold for having stood in the freezer for that amount of time. He finally threw a bucket of vanilla into his cart and walked over to the checkout, having gotten every item on his mental shopping list, which he added to as he went along.

The line was long, but Luke was patient. He hummed songs to himself to pass the time, and eventually he made it to the counter and placed his items on top of it. The clerk passed the barcodes of his food over the small laser built into the counter, causing the prices to present themselves on a small LCD screen. Luke was amazed. He had thought he was going to have to add the total himself and just hand his money over to the clerk.

"That'll be thirty-two credits, sir," the young clerk said.

Luke pulled his wallet out and revealed the credits within: a single twenty- credit bill. He looked down at the food then up at that clerk, biting his lip.

"You'll have to leave some of the food, sir, if you can't pay for all of it," the clerk said. He sounded bored and had a look about him saying he didn't care.

What would Luke sacrifice? He looked down at the meat. That could be used for a party with all his friends. A party he deserved, he thought. He looked down at the candy. He hadn't had candy in ages! But, what would Mara say if he brought all of that home? He looked at the ice cream. How he loved ice cream! Oh the choices! The pain of having to choose!

He finally made up his mind and paid the clerk.


Mara opened the door to Luke's apartment, wondering if Luke actually did the shopping like she had requested. She hadn't realized Luke had never gone shopping before until she was at her friend's house. But of course, Luke would be fine. He could take care of himself. He was a Jedi master! He had saved the galaxy and restored balance to the Force! She hated hearing that story over and over again.

Luke was sitting in the living room, watching the television and eating something from a box. He looked over at Mara and smiled.

"I went shopping," he declared. "It was fun." He turned back to the television to watch his cartoons. The smile on his face was broad.

"I'm glad you did," Mara said, walking into the kitchen to get a snack. She opened the fridge door and saw a few buckets of ice cream, slightly melted, sitting there. She arched an eyebrow.

"Luke, when did you get ice cream?"

"Yesterday," came the reply. "I tried to figure out which flavor you'd like."

Mara shook her head and opened the cupboard door. Boxes of Super Happy Atomic Sugar Bombs lined the cupboard. She frowned. Didn't he get anything healthy to eat?

Luke walked into the kitchen, carrying an open box of Sugar Bombs. "I got ten boxes of that from all the money I saved from buying meat!" he said. "And a few extra buckets of ice cream. I was going to have a party but..." He shrugged.

"No vegetables?" Mara asked. "No healthy food? Do you want me to get fat?"

"You're not fat," Luke said, dropping his box of Sugar Bombs and slowly backing away. He shook his head. "Not fat!"

"Oh, so I'm a twig, huh?" Mara advanced and Luke took another step back. "You want me to eat this junk so I can gain wait? After I've worked so hard to lose all those pounds?"

"What pounds? You're not skinny!"

"So I AM fat?" Mara poked him in the chest, hard, and knocked Luke down. He crawled away, a look of panic on his face. "Now, you're going to go out and buy me some nice HEALTHY food and you're gonna like it!" She towered over him. "Do I make myself clear?" Luke nodded dumbly. "Go! Now!" Luke scampered away.

After the door closed, Mara picked up the dropped box of Sugar Bombs and tasted one. "Hey, not bad," she mumbled.

The door opened and Luke stuck his head in. "Can I borrow some money?"

"OUT!" Mara yelled. Luke slammed the door and Mara heard him running down the hall. She sat on the couch and watch cartoons, eating Luke's sugar bombs.

It was nice to have someone else do the shopping for a change.

~¤*THE END*¤~