Disclaimer: Don't own Iron Man or Young Justice
For the YJ anon meme: Tony Stark takes in Dick Grayson.
Bruce Wayne is a faildad. Tony Stark would know, because Tony knows faildads, and Bruce Wayne is a faildad.
The bodies of John and Mary Grayson hadn't even gone cold before Bruce had turned to Tony and said, "We're taking in that boy." He used the tone of voice that brooked no argument, the tone of voice that last time Tony hadn't listened to it Batman had hacked an Avengers video conference feed and shouted at him in the middle of a briefing. Hawkeye hadn't stopped giggling at him for days.
So Tony hadn't argued. But perhaps he should have. Because past sympathizing with the kid and giving him a home, Bruce clearly didn't know what the fuck he was doing.
It was like getting your kid a dog. The parents ended up doing all the work.
Tony looked back over his list of "How To Make Dick Feel Better And Get Back At Bruce For Making Me The Responsible One" and crossed out 'Get him a dog'. He paused, erased the whole thing, then rewrote 'Get him a cat'. He paused again, then scratched out 'cat' and wrote above it 'goldfish'.
"If I may, Master Anthony, it is not physical objects that will help Master Richard."
Tony jumped a mile. "Alfred!"
Alfred just gave Tony that all-knowing look of his. Because Alfred was all-knowing. Alfred was the only one allowed to call Tony Anthony, because Alfred, quite frankly, terrified him. Because Alfred had already demonstrated proficiency in reprogramming JARVIS, and Tony really didn't want to tempt him to do so again. "What Master Richard needs is human comfort."
Tony was going to kill Bruce. Because Bruce was a faildad and Alfred was only going to do so much when he could bully Tony into being the responsible one, because Alfred was just the butler (yeah right) and Tony was the idiot who let his partner talk him into getting a kid they really shouldn't have. For crying out loud, he was Iron Man, it wasn't supposed to be this easy to steamroll over him.
Oh yeah, right, he was being steamrolled by the goddamn Batman and his butler. Tony sighed, putting his head in his hands. "Where is Dick?"
"He is in his room," JARVIS answered. Tony didn't need to look to know that Alfred's mouth had been half-open and that he was currently glaring daggers at the hidden speaker in the room.
Tony gave Alfred a few seconds to make obscene faces and get it out of his system, then he turned to see the very picture of British professionalism. He picked up the piece of paper and held it in front of Alfred. "Well are any of these good ideas?"
Alfred raised an eyebrow. "Perhaps this misadventure will teach Master Bruce and yourself the meaning of restraint."
Tony looked back at his list. Okay, so maybe buying a circus was a little much. Tony crumpled up the paper into a ball and tossed it into the wastepaper basket. "I'm going to kill Bruce," he muttered as he stalked out of his workroom.
"May I suggest the candelabra on the dining room table?"
"Factoring in the bonus provided by a surprise attack, Mr. Stark has only a 36.497% chance of succeeding. It would be far more effective to use the antique revolver on display in the sitting room."
"If he really wanted to be sure of it, he would use something from the Batcave," Alfred told JARVIS.
"Using technologically advanced equipment from a place accessed by only three people including the victim would be far more suspicious than ordinary weaponry. If Mr. Stark really wanted to escape suspicion, he would sabotage the Batsuit and let a criminal do his work for him."
Tony groaned as he tuned out JARVIS and Alfred's argument. He would feel more touched if he didn't know that the argument was motivated entirely out of disdain and a need to show each other up. Right now, his new son awaited him.
...Yeah, he was definitely going to kill Bruce for putting him through this.