Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely
Disclaimer: I don't own, firstly, the Vocaloids, and secondly, I don't own the Backstreet Boys.
Note: Okay, look. I know you must be thinking 'Backstreet Boys? Really?' Well I know how you feel, but listen; This song is very nice to hear, especially if you've lost someone close. It's a beautiful song, really, and I wish people would stop bashing the Backstreet Boys for no apparent reason.
The song is very heartrending, and it is called: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely
I caught up to Rin after school the next day; She was walking back to her hideout leisurely, although, I think she sped up when she saw me. I just grinned, hopping next to her and bobbing back and forth on the heels of my feet as I walked alongside her.
She grunted in irritation, not really looking at me. She looked a lot healthier, thankfully, but for some reason, I noticed something about Rin.
...She always looked sad. Not quite outwardly, but even when she laughed, when she growled, when she was screaming her head off at me, there was always this sadness in her face. It was barely noticeable, a soft current, melancholy and lost. I couldn't figure out quite why someone like her would be like that.
Of course, no one else noticed, and I knew she would punch me if I asked. So I just hung around, curiosity ebbing at me as I tried to figure out Rin.
"How are you," I continued. "Feeling better?"
"And was school okay?"
"You're getting sleep and stuff, right?"
I sighed, and she stopped. "Look, what do you want? Are you my parental unit or something?" As soon as she said that, she stiffened and swung on her heel, intent on getting away. How could she hate her parents so much? Or what was it that Luki said, in relations to her mother? Lola? What had he said about her? The image flashed in my mind.
"Bye, Rin. Try not to let the guilt eat you inside out."
What guilt? Even though I had not been with Rin for very long, I knew that, for some reason, she would never purposefully hurt someone without a cause. Why? I could just see it in her eyes. Wow. I could see a lot of stuff in her eyes. Maybe I should become a psychiatrist, or something. I sighed and walked with her in silence.
"Can I take you somewhere today?" Instantly, she looked suspiciously over at me. I grinned like a whacko in response. If possible, her scowl even deepened and she shrugged me off.
"No." the dismissal was blunt, but I continued to pester her.
"Come on, please? It's not harmful or anything, and there won't be drugs or whatnot. Well, there will be- Just drugs you can take voluntarily. If you know, you were into drugs. I dunno." She was glaring at me, so I hurried to the point. "Well, anyway, it's like a gathering, and it'll be fun, and I need to go with someone. And yeah."
"Take your pigtailed princess girlfriend," she suggested, still not looking at me. It took me a second to realize she was referring to Miku. I sighed, Miku's name still bringing an uncomfortable feeling to my stomach.
After she had kissed me yesterday, I didn't really know what to think. I mean, we'd been subconsciously avoiding each other, and I might have taken Miku. For some reason, I wanted to take Rin. I wanted her to have fun. I didn't know why, I just did. She sighed irritatedly, huffing a little bit and stopping in front of her hideout.
"What time?" she said irritably. "And where?" I did little flips of joy on the inside and flashed her a quick smirk.
"Meet me out here at 7:30."
She groaned. "Get that stupid, smug little grin off your face," she recommended. "Girls don't find it cute." Aw, Rin, you shatter my hopes and dreams, you do. I nodded, still smirking, and she sighed in aggravation, slamming the door in my face unkindly. I continued grinning at the door before swinging around and happily walking away, excited for tonight's... 'Date.'
"Murdered?" I choked out, my hands entwining together. "Oh my god, Dad, you have to be kidding me." I was filling out law school resumes for college, and now I get this little tidbit of information. I couldn't exactly speak. Even I remembered when Rin stood there, crying as Dad told her to just shut up about the event, that it was all an accident.
If Rin was right about it, then... Then we... I didn't want to think about it. It meant that the years of turmoil and hatred that Rin fostered for us as a whole was perfectly reasonable, and we owed her a life's worth of apologies. It meant that Rin was right for hating us so much.
I didn't even here Dad's broken voice speaking as the phone clattered against the table. We never thought of this, Neru, Dad, and I, that Rin might be right. We were so distraught that we thought she was hallucinating. She said something about attacks, but the police... The police never came to us. They said little things, vague descriptions. And over the phone, too. Why didn't Dad think that was weird? That the police didn't even look into our case?
I had to talk to the police.
"The mother must have thrown her body over the child's, protecting her." they'd said dismissively. "We believe the scars of the child's were minimal, and the mother took the brunt of the damage." Dad never forgot Rin. Rin was... Rin was like a killer in his eyes. He made sure to tell everyone, too, that Rin was the reason of Lola's death.
"This is Rin. My youngest daughter. She is the one responsible for the death of Lola," he would say, and Rin would put up with it, tears leaking out of her eyes. She'd been torn apart, at only thirteen years old. Was this - could this - be considered child abuse? I think it could, but I could never say anything about Dad like that... I closed the folder I'd been working on.
There was only one thing that I could do about this- talk to the police in hopes that I could unravel the mystery about my mother.
And maybe... Maybe I could...
Maybe I could bring Rin back to the family.
I was at the hideout at exactly seven thirty, my pinstriped shirt covered by the black jacket that perfectly form-fitted my frame. Ha. I looked dashing, I knew it. Rin threw open the door, dressed for occasion as usual.
Which meant she was decked out in a torn Linkin Park shirt, a triangle surrounded by a circle. Her black jeans were, something I found strange, unripped. I wondered briefly if there were scars there as well as those on her wrist, but then dismissed it. I didn't want to make Rin feel uncomfortable tonight; Just happy. I crooked a finger and she followed, grumbling as usual.
"This is boring, Pretty Boy. Are we just going to walk? Is there any point in this? I fail to see the point." Silence, as I just shook my head, smirking. "Did Leon set you up to this, too? I swear, if he set you up, I'm going to turn around and go right back home." She crossed her arms, her chain-linked boots stomping into the ground behind me. "Are you even going to answer me?"
"Nope," I grinned at her and led her into a small club, one that was run by one of my friends. Haku was in the corner, playing with a swirl of her white hair and drowning down her sorrows in some sort of alcoholic beverage. "Hey, Haku. Are you okay?" She looked up and smiled, obviously intoxicated into oblivion.
"Len," she hummed. "Are you dating her?" Haku is nothing but blunt, and I calmly reply to her questions.
"No, I'm not. She's just here to talk and make friends." Rin's jaw twitches in outrage and she growls at me like a cute, aggravated puppy. I can almost see her yipping at me in adorable anger.
"I have friends!" She whispers, angered. "You conniving little-"
"Hush, hush." I teased, and she sat down at a table, throwing her hands up in disgust.
"Just bring me orange soda." she grumbled, massaging her head lightly.
"Orange soda? In a club?" I responded with mock outrage, sitting across from her. Haku has sashayed around the counter, and is watching us through lidded eyes with amusement.
"Yes, orange soda!" she snapped, slamming her hand down. Her black eyeliner enunciated the flashes of blue in her eyes, and her golden bangs were blown angrily out of her face. Her eyes glittered with indignation but she sat back down and sighed, drumming her fingers on the counter in annoyance. "I don't like to drink," she admitted. "I have a low tolerance level- I get drunk pretty quickly." she shrugged. "And I don't like alcohol. So yeah."
"How are you a rebel?" I asked, curious. "You're such a good girl!" She held up her hand, already looking irritated.
"If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that," she complained, "I would be rich enough to have my own mansion! You don't have to be a druggie, a drinker, and a killer to be a rebel, you know." There it is, that soft sadness in her eyes that I would notice anywhere if I saw it. She blinked and looked away, scowling again as though she'd said something that broke the 'Rebel Code' or something. I rolled my eyes.
"I actually like your principles, Rin," I said, waving my glass of water at her. "Really, I do. Where's the drink, Haku?" Haku suddenly appeared at my left side, an oddly mischievous smile on her face as she handed Rin a glass of orange soda. Rin hesitantly took it, eyeing it for a minute before she took down a drink. She set it on the side, a funny look on her face. Then, the expression faded and she drank some more.
"So, Rin, are you enjoying that soda?" I asked in disbelief as she practically chugged it down in front of my eyes. An old song started playing in the back. Something by the Backstreet Boys. Rin bent her head over, clutching the glass between her palms.
It was quiet for a few minutes. I stared at her, alarm in my face. "Uh, Rin? Are you okay?"
"I hate being drunk," she mumbled, raising her eyes to mine. "It's vodka, Len, I can taste it now." She shoved it back towards me and grabbed at her stomach, falling over onto the table. "Dammit, vodka gets me immediately. As soon as I tried it... Goddammit." she stood up immediately, but wobbled violently. I stood up as well, but Rin was too tipsy. She fell right back into her chair.
"It's going to take me a little while," she admitted. I sat back down, unsure what to say. "Len," she said suddenly, and I looked up at her.
"Promise me," she begged me, and I frowned at her as she continued. "Promise me that whatever I say tonight, you'll forget about it tomorrow and never repeat it again." She clasped her hands together and fell back against the table. I nodded my head in agreement, looking down at her.
I crossed my fingers.
She sat there for a few minutes, eyes glazing over for a few minutes as she swayed unconsciously with the music.
Show me the meaning of being lonely
So many words for the broken heart
"I hate this song," she said suddenly, slamming her fists back down in time. "I hate this- ah, crap, the alcohol is setting in." She looked at me with daggers in her eyes. "I hate music. I hate feelings. I hate- I hate the Backstreet Boys."
I watched in amusement as she drew lines on the table. "You idiot, didn't you smell it before you drank?"
"No," she said, wild blue meeting mine. "I don't check anything before I do it, dammit, I hate being drunk!"
"Calm down, Rin," I said reasonably, "You're just suffering the consequences."
"You don't get it," she said, fists clenching.
So hard to breathe,
Walk with me, and maybe...
Rin mouthed the words that followed,
Nights of light so soon become
Wild and free I could feel the sun.
"I became free, Len, after she died." Rin wobbled on the stool. "I've always suffered the consequences." Golden eyelashes flickered over her irises and she ran a hand through her hair in desperation. "After she died, I was wild. Free. Rebellious. I-" She swallowed. "I fell apart."
We listened to the music together, and I looked down at her, listening to her tell me everything. This was what I wanted, but I hadn't known she was putting up with so much. Rin; The most misunderstood being in the world.
"Tell me why, tell me why I can't be there where you are," she whispered with the Backstreet Boys. "Why can't I be with her, Len? The only one who really understood me? My mom?"
Guilty roads lead to an endless love...
"Guilty," she said carefully. "They all said I was guilty- Was I, Len? I wasn't, was I? They just pinned the blame on me. 'This is Rin, the one who was responsible for Lola's death.' That was how my father would introduce me," she spat bitterly, gripping the table with her nails. "I was not guilty. Do you hear me?" Her eyes were suddenly shocking against mine. I stared into the electric blue before slowly shaking my head.
"Of course not-"
"But I am!" she nearly whisper-screamed. "It's hard to see in a crimson love... I watched her die, Len. But it wasn't a car crash- No, a pathetic car crash couldn't kill the strongest woman in my life." She laughed wildly, grasping at my collar before pulling me closer to her panicked face. "Murder," she whispered, the word sending an electric shock through my body.
"Murder?" I choked back, my voice breaking. "Rin, what are you-?"
"They slammed into our car," she said, sitting back, rocking. "They slammed into our car and then they came, he came, and then it happened very fast." A blank look fluttered over her face, a look that froze up my entire body and forced me into immobilization. "They asked for me, you know." she leaned back over, her movements slow and dragging now. "Th...They wanted me, not Mom." Her head dropped onto the table. "She wouldn'ta let them take me," she continued, her words linking together.
Oh. My. God.
"Rin, what are you-" I couldn't say anything past that. This girl knew about her mother's murder, and hadn't said a word, why?
"Why didn't you say anything?" I burst out, curiosity taking over my nerves.
"Because I didn't want to put him in danger!" she slurred back, eyes drooping. "Because believe it or not," she laughed lazily, "I actually care for him." She pointed at me, limply as a noodle, and I caught her hand as it fell back again. "I care about him." Just as suddenly, tears flooded her eyes.
I think my heart stung a little bit as the strong, hardheaded, sarcastic rebel whose snappy mouth I had gotten used to clung to my hands, leaning forward with tears streaking down her face. Who was this girl?
"They never say, forever gaze upon me," Rin sang quietly. "Everyone accused me. I had nowhere to go. Nowhere to run." She dropped back, tears grazing her cheeks even more now. "I miss her so much. Tell me why I can't be with her."
"Because Rin," I said, my voice catching as I held her hands. "Life doesn't work that way. Nothing works that way."
"Is this the feeling I need to walk with?" she murmured, voice dropping. "Am I going to be guilty forever, Len? Will they never forgive me? Will they," she looked up, eyes displaying that terrifying sadness that I was not used to seeing so blatantly exposed, "Will they hurt me like this forever?"
"Life goes on," I whispered with the song, "As it never ends." I leaned forward, laying my head on her shaking one. "You have to be strong, Rin, but you seriously have to say something." I laughed shakily. "Come on, you idiot. You're supposed to open that big mouth of yours and talk to me, talk to someone."
"I hate being drunk," she whispered again. "And I hate the Backstreet Boys." As they concluded, I let her fall against me, eyes drifting.
"No, you don't," I whispered solemnly in her hair. "You love this song, but at the same time, you hate it because it so describes you, doesn't it? And Rin, I swear that you will not carry this guilt forever."
"Promise me that whatever I say tonight, you'll forget about it tomorrow and never repeat it again."
I'm sorry, Rin.
Well that was emotional. THAT HUGE CHUNK OF EMOTIONALNESS THAT WAS JUST DISPLAYED WAS ENOUGH TO MAKE UP FOR THE LONG HIATU FOR THIS STORY, RIGHT? RIGHT? xD
If you listen to the song, tell me in the reviews. Even if you don't listen to the song, review anyway? xD THANKSH~