Written for the Remember When This Was Fun contest.

The prompt I used is No 16. "Put the gun down!"
which by contest rules is also supposed to be the first line of the story.

Word count: 2759
Characters: Edward/Bella/Charlie, basically canon, slightly AU (rated M for schmexing)

Beta'd by Songster. Gratitude, BB. ;o)

Winner in the 'Fic That Made Us Laugh Out Loud' category! :D


"Put the gun down!"



It's a Swan stare-off. Daughter versus dad.

Hard to tell who's going to win this. They're both stubborn, and they're both determined. They're Swans.

Under different circumstances, this would be quite amusing…

…if my own idiocy wasn't the reason for this.

…if Chief Swan's duty weapon wasn't involved, which is freaking me the fuck out.

…if I wasn't standing here with my pants around my ankles and my hands holding my junk.

And my cum.


I feel the unbearable urge to look down at myself, just to check that there isn't anything dripping down through my fingers, but I don't dare take my eyes off the fucking gun.

Someone could get hurt. She could get hurt!

I need to do something. I need to...

"I said, put. The gun. Down."

"And I said, no!"



Rewind… Rewind… Rewind…
Thirty minutes earlier.


THE FIRST THING THAT WENT DOWN was my resolve to not climb through her window this time. I thought I was determined to leave it at watching her bedtime ritual from the tree outside her room like the pathetic stalker I had become. But who was I kidding?

Did I leave once Bella had turned out the light (purposefully leaving the window ajar before climbing into her bed)? No. Of course not.

If I had, I would have missed her wistful sighs and those quiet, needy moans while she was tossing and turning.

If I had, my darkness-defying eyes wouldn't have seen her tiny hand slip between her thighs under the thin blanket.

If I had, I wouldn't have heard the whispered 'Edward' that worked like a siren's call.

"I am here, love," I answered her from next to her rocking chair, where I had moved with vampire speed before her lips had even finished speaking my name. I took a few careful breaths to desensitize myself to her scent, which didn't really work. It never did; the familiar burning in my throat never ceased, nor did the throbbing in my groin.

It was always like that. However, right now, it was worse.

Right now was a time I shouldn't be within a mile of her vicinity, let alone in the same room with her. It was her fucking time of the month. Bella on her period was an assault to my senses that made me fear for my sanity.

Yet here I was, burning and throbbing. But however useless in the alleviation department, the breathing exercise still helped to reassure myself that I could deal with it, so I dutifully performed the ritual.

"I knew you were out there," she whispered and sat up. "Why don't you come here? I promise to be good."

I sighed. "I wish I could say the same."

"Please? We can just cuddle."

"Bella…" I shook my head. She didn't smell like cuddling; she smelled like making out. She smelled like sex. And like food, my inner demon interjected, don't forget the food. Oh, shut up!

"Bella, baby, you're horny."

"Yes, I am. And whose fault you think that is?" She pouted her lips playfully, well aware that I could see it in the dark. "Can't you just be horny, too, like a normal boyfriend?"

Was she fucking kidding me?

"Bella, I am…"



"What?" she huffed.


Fast Forward.


"Put the gun down. I won't repeat myself."

"Or else what?"

Swan stand-off, part two.

"Or else someone might get accidentally hurt, and we don't want that, now do we?"

Exactly my thought! Even though the term 'accidentally' wouldn't come to mind with the look in Chief Swan's eyes. I don't need to read his thoughts to know he wants to kill me. And Bella is mad as hell. They both need to calm the fuck down.

"Bella, I think your father is right. Maybe we all should –"

"Shut up!" Both Swans yell at me in unison.

So much for damage control. Maybe if I was able to make some calming gesture, but I'm still palming my junk, so… ok, I guess I wouldn't listen to a guy with his pants around his ankles either.

"And you," Charlie growls at me through clenched teeth, "make my day and pull your pants up!"


And that was very 'Dirty Harry' by the way, Chief! Which directs my thoughts back to my main concern: the gun. It's not as big as Clint Eastwood's, but it is real. It is there, and it is unlocked and loaded.

Of course, I could easily snatch it and dismantle it before either of them would even notice what's happening, but I guess that would raise some suspicion.

How the fuck did we get here?

Oh yeah, right…


Rewind… Rewind…
Twenty minutes earlier.


THE SECOND THING THAT WENT DOWN was my pants. Bella pouting about my refusal to molest her was pissing me the fuck off, to be honest. I should be given the fucking Nobel Prize for my supernatural self-restraint! Didn't she have the slightest idea how hard this was for me?

I was fucking burning. Throbbing. More throbbing than burning actually.

"I am not a normal boyfriend. But trust me, I'm horny as hell!"

"Ah yes?" she asked sarcastically and switched her bedside lamp on. "Prove it!"


"No, stay put. You don't want to touch me? Fine. But let me see."

That's when my pants' fate was sealed. It was not so much that she still doubted my desire for her that was bugging me. But you see, I had this silly urge to make her aware of the torture I constantly took upon myself in resisting her advances for her own safety and welfare. I wanted her to acknowledge my selfless effort; I fucking wished for her to pat my shoulder for it.

Granted, that wasn't exactly a very mature notion, especially for someone of one hundred and nine years. But really, some gratitude instead of her perpetual moping would have been nice for a change, okay? So when she demanded proof, I didn't hesitate to show her how hard it really was for me.

And she saw. Judging by the way her eyes widened when my pants pooled around my ankles, I had finally made an impact. Yes, baby, that hard!

"You really want me," she gasped, her gaze fixated on my erection. I knew that look; what did she call it again? Oh yes, 'dazzled' – that's the word. Bella was dazzled by my hard-on. And I believed her face finally registered some gratitude, too. Perfect!

"Okay?" I asked, moving to pull my pants back up.

"Wait!" she yelped, and I froze mid-pull. She covered her mouth with her hand, startled by her own vocal outbreak. A second later she giggled into her palm, remembering that Charlie wasn't home yet, since he worked a late shift tonight.

"What?" I asked, grinning. I humored her by still holding the waistband of my pants right below my hips.

"Pull them back down."

"And then what?"

The way her eyes glazed over gave me concerns, and even more so when I noticed her squeezing her legs together. But what really convinced me that I was in trouble was the scent of her arousal, palpably intensifying… blooming around me… assaulting my nostrils. My venom glands and my cock started leaking simultaneously, even before she said the words.

"And then touch yourself. I want to watch."


Fast Forward.


"Put the gun down. Please… can't we just sit down and talk about this like civilized people? Please, put it down."

Oh, they've come to the begging. That's good, right? Better than the yelling. Trust me, you don't want to get between father and daughter Swan when they're yelling at each other.

Also, there's finally some fabric covering my vampire ass again. I think I managed to put my pants back on with enough awkwardness to give the perfect impression of a seventeen-year-old human, forced to do so under the scrutiny of his girlfriend's dad who had just caught him in the act. Seeing the ill-concealed, gloating grin on Charlie's face, I think I should be up for an Academy Award.

I still haven't had a chance to perform any soothing gestures, but the fact that my hands are finally detached from my balls seems to be helping in itself. Both Bella and her father are much calmer now.

"I will put the gun down as soon as Edward has left. Then we can talk."

What? No way! Fuck the scared boyfriend performance; I need to make myself clear.

"I will not leave before you've put the gun down!"


Ten minutes earlier.


THE LAST THING THAT WENT DOWN (before everything went down at Charlie's sudden and unexpected return) was the feeble remains of my bashfulness. Touching myself in front of Bella certainly would have been an absolute no-no for me just seconds ago. I mean, we were talking about bringing myself to orgasm while she was watching – just in case there were any ambiguities left regarding the meaning of 'touching myself'.

Whacking. Jerking off. Rubbing one out. The fap-fap-fap thing.

Mas-tur-ba-tion! Okay?

But with the olfactory explosion that was my girlfriend's moistening sex, it suddenly sounded like a really good idea that had me groaning.

"Bella, you will be the death of me!"

"Bullshit, you're immortal. Stop whining and do it already!"

Well, since she asked that nicely…

As soon as my fist closed around my cock, I knew this would be quick. Fuck, I needed this; I really needed to come. Drowning in Bella's scent and mad with lust, watching her squirm and clench her legs in front of me, I could feel my groin tighten after just a few strokes.

I felt no embarrassment about it; I didn't even try to hold back. If anything, the display of my complete lack of self-control in this matter would only help me drive my point home… how much I wanted her, how much I craved to be with her like this, and that it was because of her that I…


I saw the white light. Everywhere around me. Everywhere inside me. White everywhere. And then it shrank down to a pinpont of heat and pleasure that consumed all my senses.

All my senses. Consumed. All of them.

No one ever warned me about this!

I mean, hells... I had been forced to listen to my siblings boast about their sex lives for endless years. Even my parents, thank you very much! To this very day, Emmett never got tired reminding me of how much I was missing out in great detail.

But no one ever said, 'Hey, just so you know, mind reading probably won't work during orgasm.'

No one ever felt inclined to tell me, 'Just in case your girlfriend's dad decides to check on his daughter while your jizz is spurting from your cock, you'll most likely not notice his arrival.'

When I opened my eyes, which had shut tightly of their own volition, the door was pushed open by the Chief of Forks' Finest, in full uniform and in full rescue mode.

"I heard someone scr… Bells? What… what the… you? You! You perv…"

That was when the now three persons in this room simultaneously did the three things that lead to the alarming situation we would find ourselves in within the next three minutes.

Charlie leaped forward in my direction, giving a growl any vampire would be proud of, and in a reflex resulting from years and years of 'serving and protecting', his hand went down to his holster and with a flick of his thumb, he popped the snap of its security loop.

Bella also lunged forward, albeit towards her father as he moved past her bed, and got a hold of the gun's grip. The weapon slipped out of its sheath and remained in her hand, as Charlie took the next step towards me.

And I… well, of all the things I could have done, I reached down and palmed my junk. Yes, that's what I did. Let's just say, pride does not follow the statement.

Then Bella shouted, "Stop!"

We all froze.

And there we were…


Fast Forward.


"Put the gun down!" My turn this time, and yes, I'm not above begging either, because it starts to freak me the fuck out that she's still aiming that thing at her father's chest. "Please, Bella."

I raise my hands imploringly. Finally, I make a gesture. It feels good doing this, until Charlie follows suit and raises his hands in the same way. It somehow degrades my sentiment. Well, I guess it's kind of a universal gesture anyway, and considering that a fire-arm is pointing at his heart, asking for him to invent a gesture of his own might be a tad too much, but still…

"Listen to Edward, Bells."

Well, that's a new one.

"Yes, listen to me, Baby," I sooth in my best velvet voice. "We can work this out. Your father's not going to hurt me. Isn't that right, Chief Swan?"

"I won't hurt him, Bells!" (Not now anyway, you pervert, don't call her baby… son-of-a-bitch-creepy-stalker-motherf…)

Oh good, sounds like my mind reading skills are coming back to me.

"See? We're good, baby. Now put the gun down, okay?"

Bella's heart is still beating frantically; she's clearly in shock, or else she wouldn't have acted like she had in the first place. I mean, there is no need to get all protective of me and she knows it. Immortal and shit. Just right now, the knowledge apparently eludes her.

"Not everyone is bullet-proof here," I add pointedly, as if making a joke. But I can see it finally clicks; her eyelids flutter a few times and her aiming arm loses strength, slightly swaying back and forth. Eventually she ends up pointing the gun at me, which is better but still dangerous – the bullet could glance off of my skin and still hit Charlie or herself.

But she got it. She smiles at me, and then her shoulders relax. Her arms relax next, and she still smiles as her hand that's clutching the gun slowly sinks down. She still smiles when her fingers relax at last and she unknowingly pulls the trigger.

The projectile leaves the barrel at the very moment when it's pointing at my balls.


Fast Forward… Fast Forward… Fast Forward…


Well, that was that.

I know what you're thinking. But you're wrong! This time, I didn't cup my junk, okay?

What I did instead was pretty amazing, even for me.

When the bullet had made it halfway through the room, I quickly slid down the wall behind me and sank to my knees with my palms held up in a desperately defensive gesture, like the human teenage boy I was supposed to be, scared shitless due to approaching death.

As the shot hit my right palm, I closed my fist around it and then smashed the projectile into the wall next to me where it remained stuck and would be found and seized by Chief Swan later.

Then I threw my arms around my head in another Oscar-worthy impersonation of 'young human at death's door'. I even whimpered 'Am I dead, am I dead…?' a few times.

That's what I did.

And in the days that followed, miraculous things happened. First off, Bella's father apologized to me. I know, right? Like I said, miraculous!

Then we all agreed to not talk about the gun incident. Ever. To anyone. Yes, the good chief didn't tell my parents, nor did he report the incident to his department. It just never happened; you know what I mean? His duty weapon had never left its holster. Nor did mine. I know, right?

And last but not least, Bella assured me of her eternal gratitude, and keeps on doing so on a daily basis. Right now, she's showing her gratitude with her hands. They're holding my junk.

Yep, it's not that time of the month any more. And she says I deserve it because I caught a fucking bullet.

I know, right?

Thanks for reading.
And thanks to SingleStrand and SadTomato
for remembering when this was fun, and reminding us.

If you had fun reading this, leave me a little review, pretty please?
Even if I don't point a gun at you?

Xoxo, Betti