Disclaimer: Chester A Bum belongs to Doug Walker; "The Room" belongs to Tommy Wiseau. I am shocked and appalled that this hasn't been done yet because it HAS to be. Let's just hope Wiseau isn't picky about fanfiction reviews.


And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A Bum

Tonight's review:

"The Room"

OH MY GOD THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!

Oh hi, SPOILERS!

There's this guy named Johnny who kind of looks like me except he lives in this apartment with this lady named Lisa and this weird kid named Denny who acts like he's five.

See, Johnny is like:

"Hi babe."

And she's like:

"Hi dress."

And then Denny's like:

"Hi, can I watch you have sex?"

And then Johnny's like:

"Bye Denny."

And then they have belly-button sex! Which is totally the best kind of sex EVER!

Not…that I would know…I had it once…with myself…

So then Lisa's mom is like:

"Marry Johnny."

And Lisa is like:

"I don't love him."

And her mom is like:

"Why?"

And Lisa is like:

"Because he's boring."

What's boring about a guy who screws your belly button, huh? Lisa has no taste in men! Or else she'd marry ME!

And then she invites Mark over and he's like:

"What are you doing?"

"Taking off my dress."

"What are you doing?"

"Saying lines out of a cheesy porno."

"What are you doing?"

"Kissing you."

"But what are you doing!"

And then a whole bunch of other crap happens that I'm SURE is SOMEHOW related to Lisa and Mark having sex.

And how is it related? *beat* Well first of all, Denny meets this huuuge drug dealer who comes in, demands drugs, then gets taken away and he's never seen again.

Dude, that's not how you ask for drugs! Don't you know that you're supposed to beg for change until rocks get thrown at you?

Look at me for example! I beg and beg for change all day and so far I've earned, um…two dollars and five cents!

So then Lisa's mom is like:

"Marry Johnny. Oh, and I have breast cancer."

And Lisa is like:

"He's boring."

And her mom is like:

"Why?"

Wait, didn't we go through this already?

And Lisa is like:

"Because Mark is sexy."

But Johnny hears this and says he will record everything, and guess what? He does! Because clearly, when you've heard your girlfriend admit she's screwing your best friend, the most logical thing to do is to record everything!

It's not like he can just confront her over what he heard! That would be stupid!

Well, okay, he tries and he's like:

"You're TEARING me APART Lisa!"

And then Denny's like:

"I'm in love with Lisa."

And then Johnny's like:

"Okay."

Wow, everyone takes bad news so well in this movie. But it could've been worse—Denny could've admitted he faps to My Little Pony porn.

And I love My Little Pony porn!

But only in good taste.

So then Lisa's mom is like:

"Marry Johnny."

And Lisa is like:

"He's boring."

And her mom is like:

"Why?"

Does Lisa's mom have amanesia or something?

And then Johnny and Mark have coffee and Johnny's like:

"So how's your sex life?"

I wish more people asked ME about MY sex life! I'd have lots and lots of exciting stories to tell them!

Like about the time I had sex with my left hand, and then cheated on it with my right!

And then the guys go play football! Which I am sure is somehow related to the story!

But who gives a crap? Football is fun! I lived inside a football once!

And strangely enough, it was more comfortable than the stadium.

And during all these crazy shenanigans, Lisa and Mark have a lot of sex! And how does this relate to everything else?

*beat*…My brain hurts.

So then Lisa's mom is like:

"Screw this, you already know how it goes!"

So then it's Johnny's party and Lisa and Mark decide to make out while everyone is partying on the roof. But then their make-out is busted on by some random dude who's like:

"You're tearing him APART, Lisa!"

And then Johnny says they're having a baby, but then Lisa says they're not, 'cuz she said that to "make it interesting". Aren't babies always interesting? I took care of a baby once!

And wow, was it boring.

But then Mark is like:

"I'm yo baby daddy."

And then Johnny is like:

"Cheep cheep cheep!"

So then Lisa's like:

"I'm out of here."

And then Johnny throws his TV out the window and is like:

"Goodbye cruel world!"

And then Lisa comes back…after saying she's out of here…and then she's like:

"I love you Mark."

And then Mark's like:

"You tore him APART, Lisa!"

And then Denny's like:

"You tore us APART, Johnny!"

And that's the end!

But I don't get why it's called the "Citizen Kane" of bad movies. This movie was AWESOME! And it was ten times better than "Citizen Kane" because it has a lot of things that pretentious crap didn't: Football! Belly-button sex! And most importantly, breast cancer!

This is Chester A Bum saying: CHANGE? YA GOT CHANGE? AW, C'MON, HELP OUT A GUY WILL YOU? Come on, change…"

How about we replace the TV? For the love of change WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE TV?

The end


JP's thoughts:

Okay, seriously? The Nostalgia Critic was right; you really need to check this movie out for yourself to believe it. Just watching his review or Obscurus Lupa's or anyone else's is not enough; you really, really do need to watch this movie to appreciate its awfulness. It has the worst acting ever combined with the worst directing ever and the cherry on top is the worst, most bizarre, misogynist, Earth-logic defying writing ever. And it is for these reasons that it is friggin' hilarious. Catch it while it's still on YouTube before it gets taken down, or maybe check out one of those special screenings, or heck just buy it.

Oh, and the fanmade game adaptation is totally awesome, check it out.