"Inquiring Minds"

[An excerpt from the diary of A J Rimmer]

Lister and Kryten were tragically lost, and those two impostors were running around, trying to find this Inquisition chap, whoever he was. Of course, we could have tried to help them, but the safety of my sole remaining crew member was my top priority as the commanding officer on board. So I concealed him in one of the storerooms. As a safety precaution I stayed with him.

The poor Cat kept muttering, "We're gonna die, we're gonna die, we're gonna die."

Then he said something absolutely shocking.

"I'm gonna die a virgin!"

"You're a virgin?" I asked, incredulous.

"Of course I am! Where could I get any action around here? A simulant?"

It was a damn good point. I felt sorry for the pathetic gimboid.

"All right," I said, taking pity on hi…

Rimmer stared at the fading print. After the Inquisitor was destroyed and things returned to normal, he had retreated to his room to jot down the experience in his diary, unaware that anything had been different. The day's entry had already been written, to his astonishment. Well, it was certainly his neat copperplate and style. It must have been from the Inquisitor's universe, as the text disappeared before he could finish reading.

Unnerved, he decided not to write about the events for that day.

Besides, it was all a load of tosh. In what sick, twisted reality would he deign to... do that with the Cat?


Oh gods, I'm peculiar. This idea came to me last night, and I just wrote it before going to sleep. I fit the whole thing on the back of a piece of paper from the election. Excitement. And it was still legible!