AN: 50 Shades of Absorbency is just another crack fic in my long line of crack enjoyment. I do condone the use of crack-fics for your pleasure and do so hope that this puts a smile on many a faces. I welcome hate and love for this. It is meant purely for laughter. This is the Tampon's POV so sit back, put your drink down, and enjoy. I also have a banner I made if you're interested please let me know.
I would also like to thank the ladies of Twitter and my wifi Sushi Loves Whitcock for encouraging me to write this. Your support astounds me! Thank you!
Not really sure who owns this? SM, EL, Icy? Maybe Tampax? I know I don't.
50 Shades of Absorbency
I live a simple life. My days are filled in silence and darkness and my nights are the same. Every once in awhile there is a the faint crackle of my sibling being hauled away. I felt the chill of fingers and they brush by my cardboard applicator only to be overlooked for another, more alluring cotton plunger.
But I digress.
I've heard of the places they're taken, whispers of the depths in which they must partake in to survive.
It's a scary world, the Vagina.
I've heard the whispers of the hairy ones. Jungle like masses of hair waiting to swallow us whole. Thick bushes of curls and matted tendrils. I can hear my fellow brothers and sisters whimpering at the thought of ever seeing such a thing.
It's our true nightmare and only the four walls of flimsy cardboard keep us comfort. Soon though the box that is our safe haven will be tossed aside for another.
With another rip of paper I know we all sigh in relief. It is not yet our time.
"She's still in here, shut up, Bob."
"You're a soldier, act like one"
"The things she does to us."
"It's a bloody war but we all must battle it,"
"Goodbye cruel world."
There is a faint scream and every one of us freezes.
"May he rest in peace," we all nod in agreement at our fallen brother.
When we hear the whoosh of water and the dim light above us all go out it's like chaos. Every tampon is trying to get a word in, all talking above each other about the girl with cold fingers and the vagina made of gold.
Some of us call it an honor to be in her baby cave while others cry and hold each other at the mere thought of expanding inside of it.
There are whispers again late that night, whispers of a tall stranger invading the space meant for us.
Edward Grey, she called him, well more like screamed. He was the bane of our simple existence.
Barney, the one she carelessly flung into her waste bin, spoke of the elusive yet handsome penis of Edward's. It was much larger than any plunger that came in contact with her vagina before and it made us fierce with jealousy.
"The fist of fury is upon us!" he cried out as she threw him in.
You could hear the baby tampons in the OB boxes cry in fear but we bigger, super flow plungers, stood stoically.
"Had she replaced us?" Came one cotton soldier.
"Was he now the stopper of the volcano that erupted monthly from her cavernous walls?" Came another.
"He can never replace us, soldiers, fear not, for we are the mighty!," It was a battle cry heard far and wide throughout the land of the bathroom.
We were scared and feeling hopeless again when another month came and there were talks about the penis' bronze locks. They were a sight to behold with their silk like texture and bouffant like doo.
"FIFTY!" Shouted our mistress from another room making us all quiver in our plastic wrapping.
"He must be stopped!"
"She's never screamed our names like that,"
"Right, cause screaming tampax when she shoves you in makes up for everything,"
"I'd take a moan,"
"I just want to feel special,"
"I heard she pee'd on Ralph,"
"May he rest in peace,"
Night after night this went on. She would shout the name of the penis over and over, sometimes screaming in pain. We couldn't help her vagina though, it was a lost cause.
"He's wrecked it, it'll never be the same," Cried one plunger to the others.
"How do we compete with that?"
"I've heard whispers of lube, what's lube?"
"And something about anal, how do we get there?"
"We need a battle plan,"
Edward, Fifty Grey, the almighty penis warrior, was a constant in her vagina's life. In and out as if it were a drive-thru almost daily. He had wrecked it, broken the walls of our once beloved home and was making us look bad.
The Maxi's were getting used more and our kind less as time went on.
"Easier access this way," Said a forgotten brother from her make-up bag.
"That penis must be stopped,"
"But it's THE penis, it's made of even better gold than the vagina."
"I've heard whispers from the ovaries, it's not looking good,"
"Fuck the ovaries, over zealous whores they are,"
"Right? They should be thanking us"
"They call it pretty,"
"Of course they do, that penis feeds them,"
"Overweight greedy bitches,"
On and on it went, for weeks all the talk surrounded this Warrior Penis. There was not one unangry plunger in the bunch. All of us held a grudge against it, all wanting revenge and swearing to get it.
"I told you she'd be back," Came a sigh when we started to hear the moans of discomfort coming from Anastasia Swan. It was our mating call.
Beaver to tampon.
Muff to our diver.
A new battle was raging on inside the walls of our beloved Round Mound, and we began to weep.
"It's been so long!"
"Do you think we'll even fit?"
"Maybe she needs two now?"
"Shhh, she's coming,"
"I'm so excited!"
"Pick me, pick me!"
I'm yanked up, and away without warning and all the others scream in protest. There is a bright light ahead of me and I can hear the battle cries below. They are pissed that I was picked before them, vowing that I'm a trader and begging to know details all at the same time.
"You must fight the great vagina battle my son, do not let the ovaries over power you, show those bitches who's boss,"
"I hate you," One cries.
"Ohh, you get to meet the penis!"
When I'm finally unwrapped I see my destination.
"Do the drapes match the carpet?"
I ignore them all as I prepare for my landing. I brace myself as I eye the pubes I'm about to make contact with. They despise us, curly bastards think they are better than we.
"Fight them to the DEATH!"
I can feel her body shift as I'm positioned in her hidey hole, and I wince when she shoves me in as if I matter so little to her.
There are muffled sounds around me as the walls close in. I can feel a breeze pass against my string and I try to fight. My cotton like wings begin to expand I try with all my might to cling to her.
It's tampon against cervix, a fight to the death. My absorbency is no match for them as I rage forward.
When the volcano finally erupts I feel helpless. I can hear her lady bits laughing at me as I struggle. I can only laugh back when her beaver begins to shake from pain.
For one beat it all goes silent. When the dreamy sighs of her cervix begin I know I'm truly doomed.
"It's the penis!" One squees.
I'd been warned about this, trained for weeks for when this day would come.
"You do not fight against the penis!"
"He owns this place, tampon, now move over!"
I do not respond as I expand and grab the baby cave walls with all the cotton I have left. I only cling and pray.
"You mustn't resist him."
But resist I do. When I feel the tug of my exposed string I yelp in anger and fear.
"I will not go down without a fight!"
"The penis is mighty, you can not win against its firmness, be free,"
I try to move further up the cervix volcano only erupts further.
It's another hard yank and I'm gone, sailing through the air as if I'm the Maxi with wings.
"We win, we win!"
"Damn you all to hell, Damn you... ohh, hello there,"
"Good work soldier,"
"DAMN YOU PENIS!"
I catch sight of the Fifty penis. The girth scares me mid air and I gasp.
"How did I ever fit in there?" I ask no one as I feel myself free fall and then splash and then darkness.
Cold water wakes me seconds later and I can hear the beaver I once called home sighing in delight.
I try to swim to the top of the pool I have been delivered into, flung away so carelessly by Edward Grey, destroyer of Vaginas. It's useless though, he's made sure I'll never return to the golden vagina.
When all goes silent I know my time is truly over. There is a hand an arm lined with the bronzed pubes I heard so much about before and suddenly I am spinning. Circling the pipes below I can only hope that my brothers remember me and my time in battle.
My name is Cullen the Tampon and this was my story.
Alright people leave some love. Are you forever wondering now if your tampon thinks so lowly of you or are you hoping for a man like Edward Fifty Grey?
Reviews are like erupting volcanic vaginas!