The Sorting of six Marauder-era students, showing exactly what house they should've been put into, and exactly why they weren't. The students are in italics, "and the Sorting hat is normal font in speech marks." Short chapters, updated regularly, and all that's left to say is: enjoy!

Black, Sirius

Oh, look at all their faces! Hah - they all look more terrified than me! Look, I think that girl just accidently Transfigured her glasses-


Sorry, were you going to say something?

"No, I was just going to be your life-accessory. Of course I was going to say something! I am trying to sort you here."

Well, hurry up, old chap. My mother will want to send me more green underwear as soon as possible.

"A Black, it seems. Your mother, you say? Horrid child - she tried to set me on fire back in the day. Can't say I've ever forgiven for her for singing my folds. Nevermind, nevermind. Where to put you, Mr Black? Ravenclaw, perhaps?"

No - I don't really have the, um, academic skills for that.

"Oh, I can see that, though you are eccentric enough, and possibly intelligent. But no, you're no Ravenclaw. What about Hufflepuff, hmm?"

Oi! Stop prodding around in there!

"Well, I have to start somewhere, you know. And you're definitely not a Hufflepuff - look at that impatient streak, it's practically waving at me."

Stop being sarcastic and get a move on.

"See? Well, if not Ravenclaw, and if not Hufflepuff, what about Gryffindor?"

I can't be in Gryffindor.

"No? What's wrong with that house? The noblest of all four, in my unbiased opinion. A house of bravery and loyalty and courage - do you not fit into that house? Are you not a little bit reckless, a little bit foolhardy, a little bit impulsive? Are you cunning, Mr Black, or sly? Do you plan revenge meticulously, and are you resourceful?"

My whole family has been in Slytherin.

"Mr Black, I would've thought we'd gathered this by now: you are not your family."

Then, what am I?