Disclaimer: Don't own any of the rights to Sherlock
Author's Note: Here's part two. I'm going to mark this complete for now, but there might be more at a later point, if I'm in the mood.
"He was right, wasn't he? I'm a pet! I'm your pet!"
"John, you're not a pet."
"No, it makes sense! Just look at how you treat me!"
"John, do this; John, do that; John, fetch me my bloody phone from the bloody inside pocket of the jacket I'm bloody wearing. Oh, and, by the way, be careful. Because I'm Sherlock Holmes and I'm better than every goddamn member of the human race!"
"John. John! You're not a pet. You're my friend. You're my only friend."
"Oh…I'm sorry, Sherlock."
"It's nothing. Coffee?"
"So how many ex-girlfriends does that make?"
"In as many months. You're rather good at picking them up, not so good at keeping them."
"You are aware that it's probably your fault."
"Sherlock, when's the last time you ate?"
"Um, Wednesday? I snagged a donut from New Scotland Yard."
"It's Saturday. Is there anything in the fridge?"
"A few hands, an arm, some chloroform…"
"Okay, I get the point. Let's just go out for Chinese. It'll be safer."
"Is that the ashtray you nicked from the palace?"
"Is it really wise to show it off like that?"
"Why not? By now, people know better than to ask questions about anything I leave laying around."
"So, how are we explaining this to Lestrade?"
"I have no idea, honestly."
"He will come bail us out, right?"
"Harry's coming over, Sherlock."
"She said she wants to meet you."
"Are you listening?"
"…Sorry, were you saying something?"
"Really? Really? I mean, we've done some crazy stuff before, but this really takes the cake."
"Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time."
"Not to me! I distinctly remember saying 'Sherlock, this is a bad idea.' But did you listen? Of course not! Because you're Sherlock Holmes and you always know best!"
"I've got a date tonight."
"Why am I not surprised?"
"Which one are you on right now?"
"Tell me anyway."
"You're sitting on the couch, reading, despite that you haven't had a case for a week. Shouldn't you be shooting the wall by now?"
"It's a book of unsolved mysteries from the past. It'll tide me over for a day or so."
"John! I'm going crazy here!"
"Okay, fine. One cigarette. But no more."
"Sherlock, if you keep this up, I'm leaving you for Mycroft!"
"Your girlfriend is just outside the door, John. The windows were open and I'm sure the entire street heard you yelling."
"Is there anything in the kitchen I should know about?"
"Don't open the microwave."
"I'm not even going to ask."
"Would it have killed you to mention the lungs in the fridge?"
"There's some beer behind them."
"Sherlock, what would you do if I told you I was getting married and moving out?"
"Don't get married. Don't move out. It would be inconvenient."
"Okay, I won't."
"So, anyway, my point is that no one could possibly be on both sides of town at the same time, which means that she had a twin sister that no one knew about!"
"Oh, he must have left again. Too bad. Somehow, it's less gratifying without him around, trying to come up with a creative synonym for 'amazing'."
"Bad news for you, John. The lioness was pregnant."
"It would be too risky to move her or the cub for at least a week."
"Fine. You can sleep in my room until they're gone."