Warning: Gay people(oh no!), mentions of SEX(lol), ESTABLISHED KATT, ONE-SIDED KLAINE and... I'm not sure if I did cuss but knowing me, I probably did... Un-beta'd, unrequited "love," blah blah blah and T just in case. It would be a good idea to read the prequel(-ish, more like older sister) fic, "You Were Always Somebody." THIS IS ALSO SORTA SATIRIC.

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee. If I did, I'd sell it and buy all of the rights to Chris Colfer... This goes for all things I could be sued for, btw. I don't feel like finding all of 'em...

Blaine stared intensely at Kurt as he sung "Blackbird," not even bothering to harmonize or so much as breathe. Was this love that had suddenly struck him like a massive, rapacious raptor? His heart flitted within his chest as Kurt's reddened eyes met his own.

It could only be!

With determination burning through his body, Blaine made the decision to confront these feelings as soon as possible. Or, as seen in his delirious, teenage mind, "ASAP."

After all, what was the worst that could happen? Didn't Kurt practically confess his own crush when he admitted to wanting Blaine to serenade him? Blaine already knew everything there was to know! This relationship would be absolutely perfect!

Blaine stalked the academy's halls, searching high and low for Kurt. Finally, he came upon the dormitory's lobby to find the teen dressing a tiny coffin. Even as he sorted through buttons in his box of dazzle, the somber aura loitered.

Kurt looked up with slight surprise, "Hello, Blaine-

And then the sound of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is My Drug' interrupted him. He blushed and quickly retrieved his phone, "Mercedes must have changed it again!" Once he found it, a grin broke out on his face as if the Pavarotti tragedy never ocurred, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I have to take this."

"No, no, go ahead," Kurt had already greeted whoever ringed, "Don't mind me..."

Blaine patiently waited but the need for urgency tried to overpower him. He considered brusquely taking the phone(and Kurt in his arms) and throwing it to the ground all the while professing his new profound feelings. But Kurt had quite the mean kick and if a single scratch was to find its way on the phone's glossy exterior, Kurt was going to be after his ass. And not in the way Blane would prefer.

The charming teen let out a giggle before whispering, "I don't know if that would be appropriate... Especially considering the distance between us!"

'Must be someone from New Direction.' Blaine decided, thinking himself quite smart for picking up those simple hints.

"Mmmm... Uhmm, yeah?" Kurt's expressive face slanted into confusion, "You mean right now?" His eyes widened, "Like now-now?"

The shorter singer continued to observe, suddenly getting the feeling his confession would have to wait. Kurt glanced up and Blaine gave a slight wave which Kurt easily returned with a smile. Blaine willed his heart to beat slower.

"Can I bring Blaine? Only if you want to, of course!" The mentioned boy tilted his head. What was he even invited to? "Oh Gaga, are you serious?" a squeal, "Thank you! It's about time we told someone." There goes that feeling again... "He won't, I promise. Bye, I'll see you there." he finally said before hanging up.

A new, uncharacteristic light seemed to shine behind Kurt's eyes(considering the fact Pavarotti just died this morning), making him sparkle like a Glitz ball in the aisle of a convenience store.

Nevermind he didn't light the candles behind the angel's irises; this was the perfect moment.

Blaine inhaled with shaky confidence, "Kurt, um. I need to tell you something."

Unfortunately, Kurt was not catching his drift. "I know, I know! It's all very sudden but I'll explain it in the car." Mood killer. "I promise I'll tell you everything if you come with me! This is so important to me and I need you."

"You.. need me?"

"Yes, very much." Suddenly, Kurt gasped dramatically, "Oh Gaga! My hair! My nose! Blaine, could you please do a favor for me? I'll return it anytime for almost anything as long as today goes as smoothly as possible."

"For you, anything." Blaine answered earnestly and barely had time to return the hug or cherish the quick kiss on his cheek.

"Be a doll and put all the beads back in order in my craft box? Everything should be labeled and drop it and Pavarotti's box in my car." He tossed him the keys and dashed away to the little boy's bathroom. But of course, paused to press a kiss on the coffin. "Be careful!"

Blaine grinned and nodded to no one in particular(since Kurt wasted no time in dashing away) as he started to clean with a song on his tongue. He twirled and almost dropped the box of the plastic jewels. Then he pranced from chair to chair, even considered kissing the spot Kurt's lips had graced on the coffin before realizing how blatantly disrespectful that would be to the dead.

Rest in peace Pavarotti but life must go on!

Kurt arrived looking no different but apparently must have done something seeing as he was busy for over half an hour. Blaine sat comfortably in Kurt's Escalade listening to a new Top 40's hit when the teen literally spun before entering the vehicle.

"Someone's excited." Blaine said casually, wondering if he should make the move now.

His newly discovered love nodded in an almost ditsy fashion- though on Kurt, it would be plain cute-. "You should know you're about to meet my... friend. He is very important to me."

"Oh, and who is this?" His arms quickly snapped up to grab the oh-shit bar as Kurt made a particularly dangerous turn(or should he say swerve?). "Important enough to risk two lives?"

Kurt giggled with obvious anxiety but slowed down regardless, "Hmm, it depends on who you ask."

"And I'm asking you." he said playfully.

Kurt turned into the mall and quickly spotted a car about to leave, "I'm not going to answer but if I did, you'd be quite disappointed." After reverse parking like a boss, he unbuckled himself but paused. He reached a dainty, manicured hand and rested it on Blaine's upper arms, who totally did not in turn flex.


"Yes?" the shorter teen replied calmly though his skin was on fire under the touch.

"You love me, right?" Blaine nodded almost frantically. Was this really happening? "When you meet my friend, you have to promise to be kind and understanding." Oh.

'Don't be disappointed... don't you dare look disappointed...' his mind hissed as he struggled with a smile, "Of course!"

"Don't judge him or me in anyway?"

"Never." Blaine answered with wide eyes akin to an innocent child.


"I'll double that and offer a pinky." he winked. They both laughed before playfully hooking little fingers. He had to be his soulmate! Oh, the connections they share!

They exited the Escalade, and entered Lima Bean. It was Thursday but the usual Dalton crowd studying for the usual hardcore Friday testing. The Warblers had already finished theirs' throughout the week since they would be at the competition tomorrow.

"Anything specific I should be looking for? You said not to judge.. but is his head shaped like Michigan or something? Wings and a beak?"

"Oh, no! Actually, he's sitting right over there." Kurt led him past a few tables before he saw an African-American teen leaning on his hands with two cups of coffee sitting in front of him.

"Matt! Good to see you're back from New York!" Kurt exclaimed before giving him a quick, friendly hug.

"Hey, Kurt." he politely(or maybe stiffly as if restraining himself?) returned the hug before turning to Blaine, "And I'm assuming you're the ever-inspiring Blaine?"

"The one and only." Blaine smiled and enjoyed the firm handshake. Pleasant yet strong. "I hear there's some sort of big scandal of some sort I will soon learn about you."

"Being blunt, Blaine? Doesn't suit you at all." Kurt grinned and drank from one of the coffee cups. The Warbler couldn't help but let out a small chuckle after hearing his friend's companion laugh. "Oh, you got my order perfect! I see someone actually listens on Skype!"

"Or reads your Facebook. You put a whole lotta stuff up there. If I were a stalker, you'd be tied up in my car right now." Blaine tried to figure out if that was supposed to sound sexual or scary.

"That was so unbelievably creepy, Matt, you have no idea. I should pepper-spray you for that."

Kurt took another sip of coffee before noticing Blaine's empty hands. He quickly stood, his chair scraping the floor and startling a few drowsy college students about an inch away from falling unconscious on their laptops. "Oh, gosh, I'll get you a cup!"

"Oh, it's fine-" but Kurt was already walking away.

Blaine glanced towards Matt, thinking up ways to start a conversation with the guy whose secret was about to be revealed to him. What a privilege! Fortunately, his life experiences made him diverse and flexible in all matters of trouble.

"So, Kurt ever talk about me?" Matt offered in a friendly manner.

"Actually, just once back before he transferred to Dalton. He said you basically never talked."

The ex-Mckinley student laughed lightly, "Oh, just not under pressure. You know, he's talked a whole lot about you."

"My fingers crossed for nothing bad."

"Oh, of course not. I wish I could have helped like you had but the distance and all." he explained with genuine regret, Blaine could feel the sadness radiating off of him.

"I understand, and really, no trouble at all." Blaine smiled and, as the natural life pamphlet he was, "And I hear you're having troubles of your own?"

"Oh..." Matt murmured, "That's right, that's why you're here..."

"It's alright, really. I'm actually quite honored. "It's easier to tell a stranger," is the saying, right?" Blaine hoped it wouldn't be too serious though. Despite his worldly knowledge, he couldn't handle anything like incestual pregancies, serial murderers, or anything of that kind.

"Oh God, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be."

"Hey, don't worry. How about this? I'll tell you one and you tell me yours?" Blaine really didn't mean to say that. But if it would help the situation, why not? Absolutely nothing would change if he told this one soul. Maybe Matt would help him hook-up with the countertenor.

Matt seemed unsure and replied almost more for Blaine than himself, "Um, sure, I guess."

"I'm gonna ask Kurt out today." he said a little too quickly. Blame the nerves.

Matt's eyes widened dramatically, "Wait, what?"

"I realized just today! Oh gosh," Blaine blushed and rubbed the back of his neck in a bashful manner, "I think I love him."

There was a pregnant pause before he heard Matt whisper, "I'm so sorry."

Definitely not the reaction he was hoping for. Before he could question the abruptly timid friend-of-friend, Kurt finally return.

The artificial light haloed the eighth-wonder's figure. What a wonderful sight to behold! So wonderful, the gelled boy nearly forgot what Matt had just said.

"Hey guys, got you your usual, Blaine. Talking about me?"

"Hopefully nothing bad." Blaine joked and literally sighed dreamily when Kurt swooped down gracefully to take a seat. A seat which Matt pulled out very courteously. Almost suspicious. But no worries, Matt's no competition! In a split second, the dapper boy had him figured out. Obviously his issues extend farther than Blaine previously thought, thus explaining his strange apology and his close relationship with Kurt.

Issue: Resolved.

Matt lifted up a hand and whispered with the full intention of disclosure, "Kurt, could I talk to you? For a second?"

But Kurt would have none of that.

"Pish posh, you're here 'til Wednesday. You've got plenty of time to tell me your oh-so tragic dilemmas."


"You wouldn't believe this guy! He calls me up at three in the morning- two in New York- because his cable wasn't working-" Kurt begins to ramble cutely.


"-and who even watches TV at two in the morning? He just smattered on and on about how only the Sci-Fi and History channel worked. I mean, those are perfectly fine channels to be watching! Especially when the entire state of Ohio is sleeping!"


"And instead of reasonably going to the manual, he calls me- of all people, me! I don't even have cable!"

"Kurt?" Blaine finally said after feeling pretty bad for the tallest of the three.

"Yes, Blaine?" Kurt asked as if there was nothing wrong.

Blaine pointed towards the third party, "Matt's trying to say something."

Kurt chuckled warmly, "Oh, I know. I'm trying to train him not to be such a pushover."

"Hey!" Matt protested weakly. What a pushover.

"Hun, we both know it's working. And for the better, too. Now, what is it you wanted to say, Matt?" the dainty teen said in faux-generosity but his small smile was a telltale to his joshing.

"I think we should talk before.. you know.." he said timidly, glancing nervously at Blaine who nodded reassuringly, even adding a thumbs up and a wink. Acts of encouragement came natural after one has been attending Dalton Academy for over a year. Not fake at all.

But a normal, public school kid would find it difficult to believe it. Even Kurt had difficulties believing it at first(now he just understands they're sheltered and socially awkward).

"But we're already here! You told me on the phone that you were ready for this. Carpe diem!" he exclaimed and Blaine swooned. References just did things to him!

"I don't even know..."

"It's Latin for "Seize the day," dear." Kurt explained kindly.

"I really just think it's a bad idea." He once again looked back at Blaine which was effectively making him nervous.

Kurt sighed dramatically before dryly saying, "Matt, do you know those moments where I irrationally say things without considering the other's feelings on the matter?"

"Um. Yeah?" he replied with a rational scared look on his face.

"Well here comes one of those moments!"

Matt's arms moved as if he wanted to cover Kurt's mouth but a firm grip on his wrist stopped him mid-motion. "Kurt!"

"Matt and I..." Kurt leaned in extremely close to Blaine in order to whisper contrivedly. He adored the aroma of baked crepes coming off of Kurt(or the table towards their left). "are an item!"

"Oh that's nice-" and promptly felt his heart roll onto the floor. Hope no one accidentally steps on it. "wait, what?"

"Yeah.. Blaine, I'm sorry to just drop this on you." As Blaine was to the ground. Honestly, if he were any less... well, perfect(but not perfect enough for Kurt, apparently), he would be crawling on the tiled floors, collecting his dying heart before finding a lonely corner.

"Matt, stop being sorry for everything! Gosh, there is no need to apologize for something so minimal. Blaine, you are the first person we have ever told." He paused before remembering, "The Glee club and my dad figured it out though. But what's a little over a dozen anyways? There are seven billion humans, we should rejoice any time we're not the millionth."

"B-but..." His angst-devoured mind was too preoccupied pathetically singing Adele for sentences.

"Words, Blaine. We need words." Oh words! How they escaped his mind! The man he loved mastered these birds who left at a single fright.

"I thought you liked me!" Blaine said- for he dares not to whine in front of his beloved.

And Kurt just had to make so much more worse by tilting his head to the side like a puppy and responding, "Huh?"

"Remember during Valentines Day?" Blaine remembers. Blaine also regrets. Oh, how he regrets.

"I thought we agreed never to speak of that... albeit funny tragedy." Even Matt smiled despite his visible nervousness. Blaine felt so betrayed! Kurt broke their pact of silence with some boy-toy!

"Yes, yes! But you said you thought I was going to serenade you." he said expecting Kurt to realize what was wrong with this entire scene. And mentioning scene, a few passerby's were starting to stare.

"Yes? I meant it was going to be so awkward. Just as I'm starting to feel now so could you please keep your voice down?"

"The whole bisexual blowout?" Matt looked like he wanted to comment on something he found humorous - no right, he has no right- but held his tongue.

"I know, I know. It's wrong to discriminate against bisexuality! I thought your whole production of, "Liking Bros and Hoes," was rather elaborate, descriptive, and informative. I'm still disturbed." Kurt exclaimed, scrunching his nose from the memory. It was a dark and strange night- and the rest was history.

Blaine remembered Rachel's silly party, "Spin the bottle! You were protesting and- and-"

"It was awkward to see my best gay friend macking with my step-brother's completely wacko ex-girlfriend. Plus, I didn't want you to do anything you would regret in the morning. Trust me; been there. Done that."

"Regret? What do you mean regret?" This time Matt intersected into the conversation. Kurt turned his attention to Matt and the atmosphere around Blaine was suddenly sucked into awkwardness. Dear God, he was the third wheel.

"Oh Matt, dear. I meant for Blaine. Not only would he forever be known as the gay who popped the Berry cherry but I was positive he was gay at that moment. Plus I live with her ex. Finn would probably hide in my trunk until I arrive at Dalton before beating the stuffing out of Blaine." True story.

"But do you regret it?" Matt asked fearfully but Kurt simply took his hands under the table.

"Deary, as long as you were my first." They stared into each others eyes like a cheesy romantic movie, matching fond smiles. It hurt.

Blaine spluttered indignantly, "Wait, you're not a virgin? What? When!"

"I've been meaning to tell you, actually but I wanted to avoid the topic of... "it" for as long as possible. I absolutely despise talking to other people about something so intimate... and rather dirty if we look beyond the act." What a twist! His entire view of Kurt twisted and strangled! But.. he still looked and acted so innocent! Blaine tried not to feel even more betrayed.

"But Animal, you were so..." Blaine made random hand gestures Kurt managed to interpret(because they were meant for eachother!).

"I was scared, intimidated, and give me a break; I'm not very motivated to provoke sexual desires from generic prep-girls. I should be the one angry here! You made my dad give me "the talk!""

"And the duet?" Blaine moaned out.

"How specific." Kurt rolled his eyes, still oblivious.

"Christmas? All.. nothing?" His fragile musical heart broke inside of him(he had just retrieved it from the floor, too!). The pieces were shattered and clinking against the ground in a soulful chorale.

"I'm sorry, Blaine, you've lost me. What does any of this have to do with Matt and my relationship?"

"Oh.. oh..." A whirlwind of emotions washed over him, rocking his boat to the max.

"Blaine?" Kurt asked worriedly, deciding to ignore the previous stampede of questions. His best friend was obviously not in the right of mind right now.

Finally, after nearly fainting and stopping Kurt from dialing 911, he exhaled tiredly. "Congrats, Matt. Kurt's an amazing guy... and hurt him and I'll... I don't know, sing you to death." he said defeated but smiled.

"Are you going to be alright?" Matt spoke after playing mute the past twenty or so minutes. Blaine paused to think over the question.

"I still don't follow." Kurt said absently.

Blaine simply waved him off before answering Matt's question, "Yeah.. yeah, I'll be just fine." And to be honest, Blaine thought in time he would be. This heartbreak of the century would leave him distraught for God knows how long but he would survive.

Blaine's not going to give up nor is he going to stop; he is going to work harder. For as long as he has love to give, he will survive. For that is what he is: a survivor.

A/N:Enjoy your happy ending! And no, I did not plan to give this fic one. xD Admire the combination of my sense of humor and consideration for people who actually like that character. It took a lot from me not to just have some rabid animal attack Blaine and turn this into a crack fic... Oh, and Blaine is listed as the second character because he is the main character in this thing. So yeah. Sorry to lost Klainers. And legit, I fucking love hyperboles.

And haters: you'll get over it because you know what you are? A survivor.