Life has been hectic! Getting ready for University and packing and saying goodbye is terrible. Anyways, here is the update, i'm not sure when the next will be out, classes start on monday (the 20th) and between now and then i'm going to Disney, watching teen wolf (ahhhhh)/ the Glee Project (go Blake!) and basically saying my last farewells. If you have any questions/comments/concerns, feel free to drop by my tumblr (lost-in-maine) and send me an ask! I'll always answer.
Kurt clutches the disc tightly, his eyes glancing up to Cooper's. "I- Coop, what is this?" He watches his brother-in-law's Adam's apple bob, his hands clenching into fists at his side. His blue eyes dart around in an attempt not to look at Kurt.
"It's probably best if you just watch what's on it before you go asking me any more questions. I know the disc is a bit outdated, but I kept the older version of a DVD player around for this reason. Come," His hand reaches out and rests on the small of Kurt's back, the slight pressure causing him to stumble forward and head towards the farthest room in the house. "I'm- I'm going to leave you in here, I'll keep Zeke and everyone away while you do what needs to be done. Just- don't wait to call for me, alright? I'll be in hearing distance. I- I'll check on you once the video is done, and then give you space if you need it." Cooper squeezes Kurt's shoulder in reassurance before pushing him into the room and closing the door behind himself as he leaves.
Kurt walks towards the brown leather chair that is pushed up against the back corner of the room, tucked in between a table and a lamp. The room smells musky, as if Kurt should open the window to let some fresh air in, and by the layer of dust coating most things in the room, he can tell no one has been in here for quite some time. The television is already on, as is the DVD player, which helps him figure out that Cooper had been planning on showing this to him no matter how the conversation earlier had played out.
He pops the disc out of its case, his finger gently running over the sharpied words right before he places it into the player. Kurt takes a deep breath and walks backwards until he's falling into the chair, bouncing slightly from the springs under the cushion. His heart is beating fast and his palms are sweating, he knows what will be on that video. He knows even before he hears the voice.
"Coop, can you please just check to make sure this thing is on? I want to do this right the first time, okay?" Blaine's voice causes Kurt's heart to stutter, he hears Cooper's laugh in the background, somewhere behind where the camera is situated, but it doesn't register because all he can hear is his voice again. "Seriously, Cooper, just check." The video has a bit of static at first; the only thing really visible is a black and white horizontally stripped shirt covering a broad torso that had filled out sometime during the training Blaine had gone through.
"Squirt, I don't know why you're doing this. Nothing is going to happen. Let's get this over with, you have a fiancé downstairs baking us food." When Blaine steps back, Kurt quickly realizes he's in the same room that Blaine was when he made the video. He sits down in the same chair, his eyes darting to the small screen beside the lens to check his un-gelled hair. He smiles a bit, his tongue running over his teeth to make sure there's nothing stuck there and Kurt's heart speeds up when Blaine finally looks into the lens.
"Hey baby," Blaine's honey eyes shift down to the watch on his wrist- his grandfather's that had been returned to Mr. Anderson after Blaine's death, "It's uh- it's May 24th, 2015 and as you've just heard, you're downstairs making me my favorite cookies before I leave in a few days even though I promised I'd always bake you some. We both know how terrible I am at that, baking that is. Wouldn't want to almost burn down another kitchen, huh? Anyways, I wanted to make this before I had you shave my head so that, well, so that you could remember me like this. This is the Blaine I want you to remember, the one that you've grown to love and continue to love for forever." Blaine's hand runs through his hair, his eyes darting down and then back up again.
"That's not quite the point of this video, though. It's actually for me to tell you some things that I know you're doing. If you're watching this video, which I hope you never, ever do, it means that I'm no longer there with you. It's been driving me insane just because I don't know how you'd be if I ever did, well, pass on. So, I had to make this, just in case. Just as a precaution. You're my world and this is my way of saying that no matter what happens, I'll always love you. Now, not only have I been going insane these past two weeks that I've been home, you've been doing the same as well. You've been packing and repacking my bag, every time you claim that I need this or I need that and to be honest, I don't really need half the stuff you put in there. Don't give me that look, I know you're doing it too, the one where your nose scrunches up because you'll have denied ever doing anything like that," Kurt laughs softly, his face relaxing because he was doing just that.
"But, I understand what you're doing. You're panicking because I won't be home for a long time, and even the time after high school won't compare to this. That won't be a problem for us; I know it won't because we've done it before. I do know that you're going to worry yourself sick when you don't hear from me within a week or you'll panic every time the news comes on. I will always love you Kurt, every moment I'm in battle, every moment that I'm alive, I will love you.
"And I know you'll do the same for me. Which is what really worries me, Kurt." Blaine saying his name yanks at his heartstrings, they're singing and crying, laughing and weeping, and Kurt has to bite his knuckles to get himself to stop from bursting out in tears. "I really, really made this just because I know that if I have passed, you haven't let me go yet. You haven't let yourself fall in love with someone else, you haven't let him take care of you and you're probably miserable. In fact, I know you're miserable. The only way you're even seeing this is if Cooper had decided that it's time for you—that you haven't moved on.
"I ne-" Kurt watches with wide, sad eyes as Blaine wipes his eyes with the back of his hands. "I need you to promise me something. Right now, I need you to promise me that you'll learn to love again. You'll let your heart open for whoever might be there because I know you're hurting and without someone there to catch you, you'll run yourself into the ground.
"I've always thought of love as- as something like buoyancy. I know, I know, here I go again on another scientific rant about something we both learned about in physics with Mr. Rattan at Dalton. If you remember, buoyancy is- well there are three different definitions. Of course there's the two scientific definitions: the power to float or rise in a fluid, the power to support a body so that it floats, and the one I choose to favor: lightness or resilience of spirit, or in this case, love.
"When I first fell in love with you-, which mind you, I've done time and time again, I remember the feeling as if I were floating on clouds. There was a lightness in my heart because of you, the way your eyes looked in the Lima Bean that day, the way you were so happy about going to New York, how your breath caught just after I said 'I love you' for the very first time. It was like I was finally letting myself be free, letting a bit of happiness into my life because I knew was in love.
"Buoyancy, in a sense, is love. To quote Margo Anand," Blaine pulls out a small strip of paper from under his thigh. "'When you are ecstatic and in love, you feel buoyant, you feel life, you feel like you're dancing in the sky.' Kurt, I've been dancing in the sky with you since I was sixteen. But now that I've gone, it's time for you to get back up in the clouds and dance your heart away with someone who will care for you for the rest of your long, healthy life. Love, so long as your heart is open to it, does all it can to help heal and bring happiness into your life." Blaine is staring intently at the camera now, his hands resting gently in his lap, fingers clenching tightly to the strip of paper.
"So by god, Kurt, let yourself love again. I know you'll never stop loving me, and anyone who deserves you will accept the fact that a piece of your heart will always belong to me. Whether it'd be a hobo or Bill Gates or even- even Sebastian," Kurt's heart skips a beat, "just don't let yourself be alone. This is me giving you permission to move on, okay?" Blaine runs his hands over his face a few times, before turning and looking out of the window just to his left.
"Kurt," his voice cracks just then and Kurt slips down to the floor, pulling his knees to his chest as he watches his late-husband, "I love you. You are my everything, my heart, my soul, my teenage dream. This is me- this is me saying goodbye, no, not goodbye, because we promised we'd never say that. This is me saying I'll see you later, and that I will always love you." He looks down at the tiny piece of paper in his lap before grabbing a pen off the side table. He jots down a few words and silently slips the note into the side of the chair, just between the arm and the cushion.
Blaine then reaches forwards and turns the video off, the screen goes dark and Kurt lets out a strangled cry in protest. He quickly picks up the remote and watches the last minute again. And again. And again. He's crying softly now, the 'I love you' on repeat in his head. He hadn't heard that voice in so long and now it was there again, telling him to let go. He doesn't rewind fast enough to hear the words again, and instead watches as recorded Blaine sticks a piece of paper in the chair.
Kurt turns around quickly, his hands fumbling with the large cushion in attempt to push it up. Once he does so, a wrinkled piece of paper rests on the far left side, barely noticeable. Kurt picks it up tenderly, his fingers shaking gently as he opens it. The quote is on one side, so Kurt quickly flips it over in hopes of finding what Blaine had written.
No regrets, Just love.
"No regrets, just love." Kurt says to the empty room, his heart stutters as his eyes drift up to see a picture of Kurt, Blaine and Sebastian resting on a bookshelf in the corner.
Cooper's knuckles tap softly against the door twice before it opens slightly, "Kurt?" When seeing him on the floor, he rushes towards Kurt and envelopes him in his arms. "It's alright, Kurt. It's going to be alright."
"He- Coop, he told me to let go. He told me- he told me to let myself fall in love with Sebastian. He said-" Kurt turns his nose into Cooper's neck and lets out a choked off sob.
"He said, he'll always love you and he wants you to love again. I know, Kurt, I was just in the other room when that was filmed." Kurt sits up quickly, wipes his eyes and looks at Cooper.
"I need your keys." His brother in law lifts an eyebrow at him in question. His fingers dig into Kurt's shoulders, and Kurt assumes it's in attempt to help Kurt get a grasp on reality.
"I need your keys, I need to go back to New York, I have some unsettled business there and I can't let it go any longer. Can you handle bringing Zeke home for me? I'll pay you for a rental to get you all home or plane tickets. I just really need to leave now." Kurt stands quickly; he pops open the player and grabs the disc, his fingers still clinging tight to that little piece of paper, he hears it crinkle in his palm and smiles softly when he looks down at it.
"Kurt, it's nearly eleven. You can't-" He holds up a finger to silence his brother-in-law.
"Like hell I can't, Coop. The man I'm in- the man I have feelings for- is sitting at home in New York City thinking I hate him because I couldn't let my dead husband go. When really, Blaine would've hated what I'm doing right now. I- I have to go, Coop." Cooper sighs and stands, he runs his fingers through his hair a few times before reaching for his pocket. He tosses him his keys, and pushes him towards the garage.
"Go, we'll be back in a few days. I wouldn't mind staying here for a little longer." Kurt squeezes Cooper around the middle with a large smile.
"Make sure you get all of Zeke's things and the quilt, please, do not forget that quilt." Cooper salutes him, a small smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. "Thank you, Coop. Just- thank you."
"It was all him, Kurt. He wouldn't want you to live like this. Now go!" He pushes Kurt out the door with a deep laugh. "Go get your man." Kurt hugs him one last time before racing out the door.
It's eight in the morning when Kurt finally gets back to Manhattan. Kurt knows he should head straight to Sebastian's house, but he can't bring himself to do it. Not before he's had a shower and put on some new clothes. He convinces himself that he just must go home, or else he'll make a fool of himself by looking dirty and disheveled.
Which is where Kurt finds himself two hours later, bed covered in an array of different clothing choices, his wet hair hanging down on his forehead, clad in only boxers. He eventually settles on a pair of slim fit skinny jeans, crisp white shirt with dark blue buttons and a dark grey pea coat to help block the cold of the wind. His stomach is churning with butterflies as he buttons the last few. Kurt's eyes catch the words on the slip of paper that now lies on his dresser, and everything calms in him again.
No more feeling guilty. Blaine would've wanted this.
He smiles wide and heads towards the front door.
Kurt first stops at Sebastian's apartment. He's assuming, since it's so close to New Year's, literally hours away from the new year, Sebastian would be home doing something. After knocking five times and still not getting a response, Kurt settles with assuming he's simply not home and not actually refusing to answer the door because it's Kurt knocking.
Sebastian had mentioned numerous times that he wasn't much of a partier anymore, ultimately eliminating clubs and bars from any of his further choices. Kurt knows he isn't down by Times Square; he hates large groups of people packed in tiny spaces (which always made Kurt laugh because hello, you're a clubber, Seb, you have to like that.). He knows Sebastian isn't at the market and definitely isn't in Central Park (he hates the cold, at least alone, plus it's especially dangerous on New Year's Eve). Which leaves just two options: Nico's and his work.
He decides against heading to Simon and Schuster, with the idea that Sebastian just simply could note at work. So he heads to Nico's with his head held high, his stomach clenching uncontrollably each time he takes a step closer to the small coffee shop. He's darting in between tourists, all heading in the same general direction, getting pushed and pulled and shoved and jostled in attempt to actually get to the coffee house.
Kurt reaches the place in record time, his breathing sharp and short as he yanks open the door to the place that has become his and Sebastian's. It's as warm as ever inside, and as usual, there aren't very many patrons around which unfortunately means there's no Sebastian. Kurt lets out a soft sigh and walks towards the counter to order himself a drink. His heart rate has already started to decrease and he's somewhat happy that he hadn't run into Sebastian yet.
"Kurt!" Sam's voice makes him jump, but he covers it with a toothless smile. "I've missed you! Happy almost New Year! Your usual?" Kurt nods and pays her before stepping to the serving bar. She hands him his drink but soon joins him at his booth.
"So, care to tell me what's up with you and Seb?" His eyebrows dart up as he takes a sip.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Kurt places the cup back down on the table and glances outside; the streets seem to be emptying a lot quicker now. Most have already headed to Time Square or are just about home by now, the rest are tourists all bundled in their winter jackets.
"Like hell you don't, he comes in here every day, for at least the past three weeks, mumbling something about how you'll find him here. He's ordered your drink four times in the past week, Kurt. Four! He doesn't smile anymore, he barely talks, he just sits and nods like he's actually listening. Hell, I don't even think there's a person inside him anymore." She leans forwards; close enough that Kurt can feel her breath on his cheeks. "If you don't fucking fix him, and fix whatever the fuck you did to him, I will make sure you regret it, I will."
Kurt takes a sharp inhale of breath before stuttering out, "I-I'm trying! I've been looking for him all day. That's why I came here!" Sam pats his shoulder gently although it still makes him flinch. Her smile is tight and her eyes narrow a bit to see if he's actually telling the truth, when she figures she is, Sam sits back in the chair before crossing her arms over her chest.
"He told me he's not coming in today. Had to go to work or something. Your best bet is just waiting around at his apartment; he won't be going out tonight. Said he's not in the mood for any parties or anything. Fix it, Kurt. Now." She watches as he empties the rest of his coffee. She stands slowly and grabs the empty mug. Kurt stands as well before pulling on his jacket and heading towards the door.
"I will. I swear. He's- he's everything, Sam." He rushes out without as much as a goodbye.
Kurt has slowed down his walking speed by the time he hits the street with Simon and Schuster. It's nearly six and as it appears from his spot down the sidewalk a ways, all the lights are off. Kurt sighs softly just as a large gust of wind rushes through the middle of the buildings. He pulls his coat tighter around his body and looks up just in time to see a flurry of paper and a tall, lean body race around for them.
He gathers the papers quickly with a small scowl on his face. He hates the winter, he hates the wind, and he hates the people. He just wants to go home and watch terrible lifetime movies. Sebastian shoves the offending pieces into his side bag and throws it back over his shoulder before heading off in the direction of his home. He had decided to walk to work today, and regrets it fully at that point.
Kurt races forwards, pushing people aside in attempt to get closer to him. The tourists are pushing him back and away from the direction he wants to go which is when Kurt starts yelling Sebastian's name. The people that were pushing him back have suddenly stopped to give him looks.
"Sebastian!" Kurt pushes by a small Asian woman and her husband, he's pretty sure he accidentally hand groped her chest.
"Sebastian, wait!" He's shoving aside a fat, white man who, in turn, drops his hot dog. Kurt vaguely hears the guy cuss at him.
"No, Sebastian! Wait!" He's getting desperate now, his pleas are becoming softer and tears are starting to roll down his face. The people around him are beginning to part when they see the desperation that has arisen on Kurt's face.
"Sebastian!" His voice cracks at the end, and that's what gets the older man to stop and turn around. He looks wrecked. Sebastian's eyes are bloodshot, his nose a rosy red and lips turned down in a scowl in wonder of just who could be calling him.
Sebastian turns slightly and watches as the crowd begins to part. He's irritated and tired and just wants to go home and sleep until Kurt gets back. Sebastian knows he's being idiotic, but he's hoping Kurt will call to at least let him know he's alive. Sebastian's jaw clenches as the last person steps aside to reveal none other than Kurt Hummel himself.
"Kurt- What?" He's racing towards Sebastian now and flinging his arms around the taller man's shoulders. Whispers of 'I'm sorry' and 'I'm an idiot' are in his ear, but he hears none of them. Kurt's warm body is in his arms again and he can only smell Kurt, which is distraction enough.
The smaller man pulls back slightly, fingers still interlocked around his neck, his thumbs gently brushing the hairs on the back of Sebastian's neck. Their faces are so close that Kurt can seethe specks of gold in Sebastian's eyes. He doesn't take a chance to think before his lips are on Sebastian's.
And just like that the world feels as if it's on fire. He's pulled closer, the hands on his hips squeezing so tight Kurt knows there will be bruises later, and closer even so that Sebastian is practically inhaling him as he deepens the kiss. The murmurs of voices that surround them are drowned out when Sebastian runs his hand up Kurt's spine to the back of his neck. The long fingers Kurt has come to love begin to gently massage his muscles and Kurt turns to jelly. Kurt's knees give out, but Sebastian is there to catch him, just like he always has before.
Kurt can't remember the last time he's kissed someone like this. Not even Blaine's kisses felt like this- or maybe they had and Kurt just can't remember any more. It doesn't matter because Kurt is kissing Sebastian and not regretting it.
Not for even a second.
Sebastian pulls back a moment later with a satisfying pop, a small smile pulling at the corner of his lips as he really looks at Kurt.
"So…" Kurt giggles and slides his hands down Seb's shoulders to grasp his biceps.
"So indeed." Sebastian leans in for another kiss, just as intense and heart stopping as the first. Kurt knows his lips are cherry red, abused and bruised but he just simply doesn't care. Because now he's found Sebastian, he's really, really found him. Kurt's the first to break the kiss this time, but doesn't pull away and opts to rest his forehead against Sebastian's. A strong hand finds Kurt's, "Let's go back to my place."
Kurt nods and lets himself be pulled, not a care in the world as he clenches the hand just a bit tighter.
When they arrive back at Sebastian's apartment, Kurt can tell that he really hadn't been expecting to have anyone over soon. There are dirty clothes thrown around the room, a pile of dishes in the sink that Kurt can see from the front hall, and if his observations prove to be correct, he knows that there'll be no food in the refrigerator.
Sebastian stumbles around a few apologies for the mess, Kurt quickly realizes that he's nervous and just making a way to fill the once comfortable silence.
"Bastian, stop. Let's just order some food and put on Dick Clarke's New Year's special. Besides, I've got a kitten to say hello to, so while I do that, you go ahead and do whatever you need to do, okay? We'll talk later, relax." He watches as Sebastian's shoulders slump before he reaches for the table phone.
They settle on Chinese for dinner, although not the healthiest, it's one of the few that will deliver this late so Kurt can't find it in himself to argue.
They sit and watch TV, only talking to complain about the latest pop performer's failure of a performance. Sebastian's head is in Kurt's lap; his eyes lids keep fluttering closed during the commercial breaks. It makes him wonder how much Sebastian has actually slept in the past three weeks. If he's anything like Kurt, he knows that it isn't very much.
At eleven fifty five, Kurt pushes Sebastian into a sitting position. The man grumbles in protest but stops when Kurt turns to look at him.
"I'm sorry, Bas."
"No-" Sebastian is cut short by Kurt's finger.
"No, I'm sorry. I was rude and cruel and just not ready to let go. I shouldn't have run like that, and I definitely shouldn't have made you wait this long to let you know my feelings. I've just been so confused by all of this." Sebastian leans forward and takes Kurt's head in his hands. His thumbs are brushing the spots just behind Kurt's ears, it makes him shiver and lean in towards Sebastian.
"You weren't ready to let go Kurt, but from what happened earlier, I'm assuming you are. Right?" Kurt can vaguely hear the television in the background, the screams of 'four, three,' are nothing compared to the pounding in his ears.
"Completely, totally and indefinitely." Kurt's fingers clench around the soft fabric of Sebastian's shirt, his toes clenching as he leans forwards.
"Good." And with that, Sebastian kisses him soundly just as the clock hits midnight.
Kurt finds himself cuddled up against Sebastian's side half an hour later. They're naked and sated, happy and content to just be there for only a moment. Before they have to sit and discuss what they are, before they figure out what to tell Zeke, before their lives restart again. His fingers sweep up and down Seb's chest, the sweat that is already beginning to evaporate is merely a reminder of what happened a half hour before. Sebastian is asleep, if the soft snores in his ear are anything to go by. Velvet is curled up next to Kurt's toes. The city lights twinkle from behind the curtains.
All is calm, all is peaceful, and for once, Kurt finally feels at home in himself, at home in this city, but more importantly, at home with Sebastian.
He had fallen for Sebastian slowly, the feelings just barely there, hidden behind metaphorical boxes labeled Blaine and guilt. Waiting and wanting to be uncovered, much like the quilt had been, when the time was right.
When Kurt was ready.
He cuddles into Sebastian, his lips just barely brushing the shell of the man's ear when he says those three little words that he's avoided for the past six years (aside from his father and Zeke, of course).
"I love you." And he does.
And he doesn't regret one moment of it.