The Yellow Caution Sign

She never slows down
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone,
Feels like it's all coming down

She doesn't know. She has no idea what to do, what to say, or where to go. Every time she sees his eyes, she feels confused, she feels guilty, though she's not sure why. She knows he blames her for what happened, whether or not he believes it's entirely her doing has escaped her small, child-like mind.

She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear,
The tears will not stop raining down

For countless hours she would spend awake, her mind racing with every thought and actions she ever regretted doing. Her eyes are closed tightly and the bed sheets are clutched in her small hands, keeping the imaginary barrier between her and the darkness alive. She's shaking, her eyes up to the brim with the tears that she refuses to cry, the tears that she refuses to let fall. It scares her. It scares her that the thought of letting that one tear fall, that one drop of wetness to slip down her cheeks that she won't be able to stop. It scares her that all the anger, all the frustration, all the emotion she has kept inside will all come out.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain

But she knows. She knows that it's time be brave. She's tired of being scared, of hiding any longer. She understands that no one can protect her. She understands that now, it's her time. It's her time to shine; it's her moment to be her own knight in shining armor. She knows she will hurt. She knows that she will fall, and bleed, and cry. But that's life. That's humanity. No one will be able to save her from life, because it's her own actions that led to where she is now. And she understands that she should always apologize for what she did wrong, but she will never apologize for someone else. She knows that that is their burden to bear.

You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She remembers the stories her friends told her about the rain before the rainbow. The calm before the storm. She knows. She understands. The songs she's listened to have been her guide. The screams and cries have been her warnings. She's learned that you have to fight for what you need, even if it's not what you want. She has learned that you have to get dirty, to defend yourself, if you want to stay strong. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be afraid. But she knows that she should never let her fears control her, no matter how terrified she is. She knows that once the battle begins, there's no going back. She wants to have the calm, and no storm to follow. She needs rainbow, without the rain. And she's willing to fight for it.

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from
wants to give up and lie down

She may know, and she may understand, but she has yet to do. Her fears and her pains hold her back, no matter how strong she fights that. She wants to scream and to cry and to break down, but not a single sound passes her lips. She has sealed them shut and thrown away the key, only now, she wishes she still had that key. Instead of unlocking her lips like she should have from the very beginning, she has to pry them open. She has to fight the pain and ignore the blood as the pulls the lock away from her mouth so she can finally speak. She wants him to hear her. She wants him to hear her pleas and moans for help. She'll scream for him to listen, even if the attention is the last thing she ever wanted. She'll fight the anxiety of the spotlight, and she'll talk. She won't back down anymore. She knows what she's sorry for, and what she did. But she wants to know he does to. She wants him to speak to her, not like she's an infant. She knows now. She does.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She knows her place, she knows where she stands. But she doesn't know where he stands, and doesn't know where she is. He doesn't know she's trying, that she's crying out for help and begging for mercy. He lets his bombs drop all around her, and she would try to run and scream. But know she refuses. She won't back down, not anymore. She will make him listen to her, not simply stare at her while she talks. No. She will make him listen. She will make him understand that she is sorry, but she will make sure that he knows, that he actually understands that he must apologize to. She wants him to know he is to blame too. She will do her part, she will make him happy, make him proud of her again, but she needs help. She won't do it alone. A battle has two sides, and if he is the man that sits opposite her on that tainted battle ground, then so be it. She will not let him knock her down. He can yell at her, he can scream and cry and curse, but she's not afraid. She's seen it all before. She's lived the nightmares night after night and she's not scared.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found

She wants to let him know that he can fight back all he wants. She's not a child. Her hands may be small, but they can fight away any insult he'll say. Her body may be weak, but her brain is stronger than anyone knows it is. Her heart is big, and no longer will she wear it on her sleeve, just for him to tear it down. No. She will hold her heart to her chest and protect it from the casualties of this war. She wants him to know that there are more to blame that just her. She's not the devil, and he is not the angel. She will make him see, and make him understand. She apologizes day after day for what she has done, and her guilt is eating her alive, but she knows that the rain will continue to fall. She knows that no matter what, she will get wet.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down

So let his bombs fall. Let him threaten, and blame, and hate. She knows now. He will not hurt her anymore. He will not cause her pain. Her nights of tears and salty water falling to her cheeks because of him are over. She wants him. She wants him to be there for her, just as she wants to be there for him. She wants him to see she's sorry, that she is swallowing her pride and admitting she was wrong, but she wants him to see that he must do the same. She wants him to understand that she can't do it alone, and neither can he. And he doesn't have too. Not anymore. She wants to stand by his side and hold his hand and he watches her grow and learn and laugh. But in order for that to happen, she has to be strong. It could be years before they can look each other in the eyes, and it could be days. She doesn't know. But she does know that she loves him. She knows this has to stop. She wants to laugh with him, to cry with him, to be able to sit and watch those cheesy Disney movies that could make them cry within the first eight minutes, but this has to end. So here she stands. Her armor on and her head held high. She knows her next move. She stands with a sword in one hand and the other extended towards him, a sign of peace. She doesn't know his next move. Will he take her hand, and apologize for his wrong doings just as she has done? Or will he stand and fight against her?

You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

It's up to you dad. What will you do?

I miss you.