Our Fair Malfoys

Act V: A Dinner to Die For

The Malfoys are dining, seated at their usual places. They are dressed formally, each in varying shades of dark red or burgundy. Draco is singing – unnoticed by his parents. The song is a slow one, heavy with violin and bordering on operatic.

DM (Track Ten: One Last Formal Dinner)

"This is the last

formal dinner

we shall have to know.

Soon mum and I

Without frock or tie

Will eat what we sow.

The king will die

And then shall I

Rule this ruined roost.

You know the story.

I'll win the lady,

And instate our former glory."

He gestures across the table to his mother who is pouring wine for Lucius.


"Look how she plies him with wine.

Quickly arrives his time,

For he drinks like a fish

And we've sweetened each sip

With a dose of death's inescapable grip.

Tonight, she'll be mine

And we shan't have to hide,

For we will have bested

And come out the winners

At this our last formal dinner."

Lucius' head begins to nod. He shakes himself and tries to reconcile his wits. Narcissa looks across the table to Draco, resumes the song.


"Look how the man shakes his head.

The brew is faster than it said!

It shall work like a charm,

Land me in my son's arms,

And free me of this bastard's bed!

Oh, Draco, my co-conspirator,

My son, my lover, my fellow sinner.

We've done it now –

Look how he bows!

At this our last formal dinner."

Lucius pushes away from the table. The music turns cacophonic. Lucius stumbles to his wife, he gasps out of cadence.


"Narcissa! My wife!

Something ails me!

Torment! Strife!

Senses fail me!"

Draco rises, comes to stand behind his father.


"You should sit down, father.

You've drunk too much wine, father.

You're being a bother

To mother. Making such a scene

At our last formal dinner.

Lucius falls to the floor, turns to blink up at Draco. Dramatically, he reaches an arm to his son.


"Last formal dinner?

Draco, help daddy!

I – I can't stand, see?

My god, I can't breathe!

Someone help me!"

Lucius tries to crawl away. Draco stops him with a foot on his back. Narcissa rushes to the scene. Lucius groans, reaches out to her.



Narcissa…my son…

I think…I am dying…

I think…I am done…"

He stills and falls to the floor. Still standing with a foot propped on his father's back, Draco reaches for Narcissa. She twirls into his embrace and he lifts her over Lucius' corpse. A traditional, sweeping waltz begins a la "The King and I." Draco and Narcissa dance with great pomp.

DM and NM (Track Eleven: Isn't It Grand?)

"Is it true?

Is it real?

Can it be as I feel?

It's just freedom!

We can sing!

We can dance!

(DM only)I can eat without pants!

This is freedom!"


"Isn't it marvelous?

Isn't it grand?

This feat we accomplished

With our joined hands?"


"It's marvelous!

Simply grand!

It's sweet and neat,

A rare honorable treat!"

They dance up onto the dinner table, kicking dishes out of the way, treading on food.


"I worried there'd be remorse –

I'd feel sad. But how wrong I was!

It's incredible!

It's grand!"


"I can kiss you at breakfast!"


"And that's grand!"


"I can ogle your pert breasts!"


"How bloody grand!"


"And I can slide your hand…"


"Oh? Some place grand?"


"Hahaha! Yes, madame!"

The music slows. They slow to a sway, clothes stained with food and wet with wine. Narcissa strokes Draco's face thoughtfully.


"Draco you shall take his place, now,

in every little way now.

Will you take me up those stairs, now?"

Draco begins lowering her to the mess on the table, singing sensually.


"He's nowhere near, now.

No one left to fear, now.

I will take you right here, now."

They kiss as the stage darkens. Narcissa sighs a final lyric.


"Isn't this just grand, now?"

They chuckle lowly. Fade to black.

Act VI: Epitaphs and Epilogs

A funeral is in progress in a small cemetery. Lucius' coffin is solid black and highly polished. A huge spray of white roses obscures the top of it. Draco and Narcissa wear all black, but highly sequined dress clothes. Her skirt is scandalously short for a funeral, and the rose in Draco's lapel is bright red. Malfoy Manor looms in the background. There are only three people present. A formally robed wizarding minister wearing sparkling spectacles stands at an ornate podium ready to sing Lucius' eulogy. It's none other than: Sir Elton John. Narcissa and Draco bow to him as he begins to sing.

SEJ (Track Twelve: Douche Without a Clue)

"Good-bye, Lucius Malfoy.

Though I never

Knew you at all.

Your family paid me

To come here today

And sing about your fall."

Narcissa weeps softly into a linen kerchief. Draco pulls her to him consolingly.


"I hear you were a Slytherin,

And that you gained some fame

Being a bitch for Voldemort,

And thus destroyed your name."

Draco sobs loudly – or is it a laugh – into his mother's shoulder.


"So it seems to me

You lived your life

Like a douche without a clue.

Left the grunt work

For your boy and

Lovely wife to do.

So I didn't care to know you,

And what's in your past

Tells me that your being gone…

Is no skin off of my ass."

Draco and Narcissa begin to slow dance.


"I heard about the inquest,

and that they found no foul play.

That was surprising, I must say.

Cuz if you weren't exanimate,

Well I just might

Kill you today.

Because it seems to me

You lived your life

Like a douche without a clue.

And now your son

And wife must repair

Your mess

With magic glue.

It's true I didn't know you,

But I still sang this song.

I don't feel bad by saying

I made it up as I went along."

Elton repeats the chorus soulfully one more time. Draco and Narcissa join in. Elton leaves the podium to come and dance with them in a three-person embrace. The music fades and Elton leaves them with a sympathizing gaze. They wave him away sadly, then turn to Lucius' coffin. It begins to lower slowly into the ground. Elves converge in black tea towels and veiled hats. White peacocks gather around, and as The Rolling Stones' "Sympathy for the Devil" plays, the birds sway and sing along. The elves perform a gyrating tribal dance to the drumbeats. In the foreground, Draco and Narcissa dance close together, his hands on her arse. They share a lingering kiss and smile triumphantly at one another as the scene fades to black.

AN: Wow. If you're reading this, you are a trooper. I thank you for bearing with me through this ordeal. I promise it is out of my system. I will never write another musical. Thanks out to The King and I and the amazing Sir Elton John for his cameo appearance and his lovely Candle in the Wind which I wholly bastardized here. Also let me thank The Rolling Stones for Sympathy for the Devil, which may be too good for Lucius, but the elves couldn't tribal dance to anything else.