Authors: * waves hand* You don't want to sue us for writing this.

George Lucas: * glazed expression* I don't want to sue you for writing this.

Authors: You want to get someone in to write reasonable dialogue for Episode 3

George Lucas: I want to get someone in to write reasonable dialogue for Episode 3

Authors: You want to make Anakin and Obi-Wan strip to 'Hot Stuff'

George Lucas: I want to … what?

Authors: Shouldn't have pushed our luck, strong in the dark side he is.

Yoda looked at the speeder with growing despair.

"Why fluffy dice must you have? Make you fly better they do, hmm?"

Anakin looked at his feet. "I like them. They came free with every 40 gallons of speeder fuel."

"And the stripe and the spoiler and the tinted windows? Make you go faster do they?"

"The spoiler reduces fuel consumption in atmospheric travel. And we need the tinted windows for travelling incognito on diplomatic missions and Obi- Wan put the stripe on it."

"Lie not to Jedi Masters young Padawan. They know."

Yoda decided not to comment on the signs above the front seats reading 'Padawan' over the driver's seat and 'Master' over the one next to it. Yoda decided that Obi-Wan was probably behind the bumper stickers saying 'If you can read this you're too close and not at one with the force' and 'Slow down, Jedi Master on board', but that 'My other speeder is a starfigher' probably belonged to Anakin.

Obi-Wan appeared carrying a booster seat and a suspiciously thick instruction booklet. He opened the speeder door and folded the front seat forward making a mental note that next time they replaced the speeder they were getting a four-door. There were various tortured noises and a disturbance in the force as Obi-Wan fought for mastery with his feelings of anger for child seat manufacturers throughout the galaxy.

"Have you taken your travel sickness pill, Master Yoda?"

"At one with the Force am I. Travel sickness pills I need not."

The parts of Obi-Wan visible from outside of the speeder paused.

"Umm, my young Padawan…"


"A little… assistance if you please."

Yoda reached out with his feelings.

"Ah, strapped his arm to the speeder seat has he and remove it he can not." Yoda did not voice his subsequent thought which was // why entrust the chosen one to this idiot did we? Ah, remember do I, Anakin annoying little brat at 8 was. //

After some muffled twangs and Anakin going 'sod it' under his breath, lightsabering the seatbelt to get Obi-Wan's hand out and tying the charred ends back together again, the booster seat was ready. Yoda, with considerable bad grace, allowed himself to be strapped in.

"Child I am not. Plug in own seat belt I can."

Anakin and Obi-Wan got into the front seat and immediately Anakin demanded to see the maps.

"Oh dear. I'm afraid I've brought the wrong one. It's the Alderaan tourist map with a section on 101 things to do on the galaxy's most peaceful planet. I suppose we'll just have to take the scheduled transport."

"Ah, lost his road map Master Obi-Wan has, how embarrassing."

"I had a strange feeling this would happen, Master, so I found the correct ones for you."

Anakin dropped the maps into Obi-Wan's lap and a wave of smugness spread out through the force.

"Fine. We'll fly there ourselves then."

Anakin revved the engine and automatically reached out for the stereo. Obi- Wan stopped him.

"I do not think it is wise to do that when Master Yoda is sitting on top of the extra bass boost speakers you put in last week."

"I could turn off the bass system."

"No you can't. You hard wired it in. I advise you to think this through."

The mental image that this created for Akakin was not a pleasant one. He was pretty sure that causing distress and excessive bouncing to members of the Jedi High Council could probably get written into the rule books as a serious offence quite quickly if Yoda gave the order.

They finally got moving. Obi-Wan adopted his usual approach to Anakin's driving, putting himself into a meditative trance and completely ignoring the cargo freighters passing inches overhead.

"Master Obi-Wan, is not now the perfect opportunity for discussion on role of Force in urban living?"

Obi-Wan was pulled out of his trance. "What?" Obi-Wan was shocked out of his trance to see another speeder fly past in the opposite direction so close to the roof that he found himself worrying about scratches in the paint. He gripped the sides of his seat and gasped theatrically.

"Mindthatfreightermindthatfreightermindthatfreighter." Obi-Wan let go of the seat with one hand in order to cover his eyes with it.

"Calm down, Master. I've done this hundreds of times before, I know what I'm doing."

Obi-Wan hadn't really wanted to be reminded of that.

"Anakin! Get into the outside lane!"

"I am in the outside lane, Master."

"No you're not, this is the inside lane."

"No, Master, I think you'll find that this is the outside lane."

"I've been flying speeders on this route since before you were born, I think I know which one is the outside lane."

"Yes, but I passed my speeder theory test more recently, I know which one is the outside lane."

"Just get into the other lane before you kill us all."

"Actually, I think we're in the right lane, Master."

The argument finally subsided as they left the planet's atmosphere and got out into open space where there are no lanes. Obi-Wan was suddenly left feeling even more insecure than usual.

"Stop at nearest service station we must. Use facilities I must."

"But we're only five minutes out of Coruscant." Anakin quickly shut his mouth when he realised exactly who it was he was talking to and changed his course for the nearest moon. He'd heard that arguing with Yoda was often an ill-advised course of action, especially if you didn't want to spend the rest of your career assisting really unpleasant life-forms sort out their sewerage systems on planets which didn't look as if they should ever have evolved sentient life in the first place.

They parked, and headed for the bewildering array of toilet facilities that grow up around any Intergalactic Service station. Yoda disappeared through a very small door bearing striking resemblance to a cat flap. Anankin and Obi-Wan strode towards the gents.

"I thought you made comments about us only being five minutes from Coruscant my young Padawan?"

"A Jedi is always prepared my master. There may not be any other service stations on our route."

"Ah, yes, the mysteries of an all powerful Force that cannot expand your bladder capacity."

"Which reminds me, Master, next time we go and see the holoshows you can have the aisle seat."

The three travellers reconvened in the vastly overpriced shop.

"Food for journey must we have, hmmmm?"

"Master Yoda, it's not that long a journey."

"Sweeties must I have."

Obi-Wan sighed. "Alright. Choose some."

Obi-Wan found Anakin perusing the top shelf magazines. "Jedi do not have relationships my Padawan."

"It's not a relationship, Master. I don't even know her name."

"Nor do Jedi have possessions. And that includes dirty magazines."

"What about the speeder?"

"A necessity for our job. Though the necessity of the spoiler and the sound system is not one I have understood."

"They um…"

"Yes, never mind. Do you want anything to eat for the journey, and remember no matter how hard you try you can't make a decent meal out of a magazine."

Anakin suspected Obi-Wan was trying to be funny and that it was probably best to chose something and get out of here before he tried again.

******** *******

"Anakin…? Don't you think you should be in better control of the vehicle?"

"No, Master, I'm managing perfectly well steering with my knees."

Anakin was sitting in the driver's seat of the speeder, a huge bag of tortilla chips in his lap and a tub of bright orange, evil looking nacho cheese dip balanced on the steering console.

"Would you like some master?"

"Hmm, nacho cheese dip is that? Like some I would."

Anakin lifted the tortillas and dip and turned round to offer some to Yoda, taking both his eyes off the road and his knees off the steering console.

"Anakin! Watch where we're going!"

"I don't need to watch, Master, I'm feeling with the Force."

"I'd feel a lot safer if you actually used your eyes as well."

"Faith in the Force you should have, Obi-Wan."

"I do have faith in the Force, just not in Anakin's driving."

"Faith in your Padawan also you should have. Bad example you will set." Said Yoda indistinctly around a mouthful of tortilla chips.

"Master Yoda, are you going to eat all of that, or can I have it back?"

"No, mine. How stay you so slim eating food of this kind? Most addictive it is. Large jelly snake and some sherbet lemons want you instead, hmm?"

"Oh, yes please." Anakin took the sweets and turned back round to face the direction they were travelling in, put his knees back on the console and attacked the jelly snake with both hands. In the best traditions of all large jelly sweets given to small children it was completely invulnerable to teeth and so he started sucking on it instead.

"Would you mind if I put on the stereo, master Yoda?" Obi-Wan glared at Anakin.

"No, mind I do not."

Obi-Wan decided to intervene "But you're sitting on the speaker, Master Yoda. Are you sure you want that much disturbance in your journey?"

"Music! Music we must have, make the journey go faster it will."

Anakin turned the stereo on, damaging Obi-Wan's nerves even more with something that he couldn't quite identify because all of Anakin's music sounded the same to him, but which was loud enough to make Yoda bounce up and down on the seat. Anakin adopted his usual driving pose when listening to music and gripped the top of the console with one hand and started nodding his head. The effect was rather ruined by the tail of the jelly snake which was still hanging out of his mouth. In the seat next to him Obi-Wan cowered and swirled his travel sweets round his mouth like worry balls.

Anakin moved his other arm up towards the speeder's window to lean against it but was stopped by a warning from Obi-Wan. "Remember what I said about doing that outside of a breathable atmosphere. You haven't forgotten what happened the last time, have you?"

******** ********

"Stop again we must. Sick I am going to be."

"Oh, I hope this isn't because of Anakin's driving?" asked Obi-Wan sarcastically and glared at Anakin.

"Time for sarcasm we have not, stop soon we must."

"But there aren't any service stations out here."

"Moon with breathable atmosphere I see, stop there we will."

Anakin changed course for the moon and tried to land as gently as possible. Yoda jumped out and made a run for the nearest asteroid crater.

"New rule for Jedi code must I write, mix not sherbet lemons and nacho cheese. Strong in the dark side is the combination."

"I ate that too Master Yoda and I'm alright."

Obi-Wan shuddered. Anakin had some very strange food combinations that he liked. It was just embarrassing to ask for cheese, tomato, nacho cheese, prawn and banana whenever Anakin mind-tricked him into phoning for pizza again.

Anakin and Obi-Wan got out to stretch their legs, or at least Obi-Wan got out to stretch his legs and Anakin got out to pose with the speeder for the benefit of any bacteria which might have recently evolved.

"Are you alright Master, you seem a little agitated? Why are you hopping from one foot to the other?"

"I'm fine. You don't see any trees around here do you?"

"Trees, Master?"

"Trees, or any big rocks."

"The Force really doesn't do anything for bladder capacity, does it? Just use a crater like Master Yoda has."

"No, I think I'm too tall. Why don't I just go round the other side of the speeder and you look the other way? And sing."

"I object to the singing, but I'll turn round. And if you get anything on the speeder I'll tell Master Yoda about…"

"Yes, yes, alright. Just turn round."

"None of the other Jedi are that prudish." He paused for a moment then grinned evilly. "Have you got something to hide?"

"No, is there something wrong with wanting a little privacy?"

Anakin didn't have time to think up a witty comeback as at that moment Yoda returned from his crater.

"Better I feel now. Ah, Obi-Wan, still not housetrained, hmm? Remember him as a young one I do. Constant embarrassment to Qui-Gon he was."

Obi-Wan wondered if there were any rules in the Jedi code against telling Yoda to shut up and momentarily wished that it was not only the Sith who rose up and slew their masters.

***** *****

"Spy I with my little eye something 'S' beginning with."


"No, wrong you are Obi-Wan."


"Yes, you right this time are, young Padawan. Next turn you must take."

Anakin gave Obi-Wan a look. Why Yoda couldn't sense through the Force that they were losing the will to live was completely beyond him. "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with 'O'."

Yoda gave this a moment's thought. "Orb?"


"Orbit of planet?"



"No, there aren't any in the speeder anyway."

Obi-Wan gave in. If he was going to let Yoda carry on they would spend the rest of the journey listening to Yoda list an increasingly unlikely set of words beginning with 'O'. Why couldn't the old muppet just read their minds with the Force? He was probably far too honourable to cheat. "Obi- Wan."

"Well done, Master." The sarcasm dripped. "Your turn."

****** ******

"Almost there yet are we?"

"Yes, Master Yoda, this time we are."

"Ah, see planet from here I can."

Obi-Wan and Anakin were visibly slumped in their seats. Anakin was driving with only one hand on the steering console, although without any of his usual enthusiasm and Obi-Wan didn't even care.

"Here we shall stop. Parking place over there I see."

Anakin parked the speeder and watched as Yoda stretched his stumpy legs and strode off towards the conference while the other two Jedi draped themselves across the bonnet of the speeder in deeply depressed boredom.

"Anakin, I think it's time for a very important part of your Jedi training."

"What's that, Master?"

"Getting horribly drunk."

******* ******

As he walked through the doors of the conference centre Yoda muttered to himself. "Next time lift with Chancellor Palpatine will I take. Video games in his speeder he has."