A/N: After this episode, I'll do some more classic ones, like "Dark Frontier," "Future's End," "Equinox," etc. And I now have all seven seasons on Netflicks, which means that I can also, finally, re-watch and then spoof the notorious "Threshold..."
SPOOF TREK: FROGGER
"The Chicken Hawk"
(Spoofing "The Raven," Season 4)
Summary: It's Telephone Line's turn to go crazy, when a Bored beacon draws her to her parents' crashed ship.
HOLODECK: DaVinci's Study
Captain Myway: Sculpting with clay is a great way to explore your subconscious, Telephone. I find it very relaxing. [The table is filled with sculptures of coffee mugs, coffee pots, and a leprechaun dancing a jig holding a coffee mug.] Telephone?
Telephone Line: [checkered catsuit] I fail to see the practicality of sculpting fake coffee mugs, made from fake clay, made from holographic photons. It… [Gets distracted, staring at DaVinci's flying machine, hanging in the corner.]
Myway: Oh, that's DaVinci's failed flying machine. He's always complaining about how it won't lift him off the ground. Of course I'm too polite to point out that the problem might more be him, and that he should cut down on the tea and biscuits—something wrong Telephone?
[Telephone Line is having a flashback]
Bored Drones: We are the Bored. Fun and excitement are irrelevant. You will be assimilated.
Large Bird: Caw, caw! [Flies at Telephone, getting tangled in her hair]
Telephone Line: Shut up! Get out of my hair you interior animal!
Myway: A simple "Please leave me alone" would be—
Telephone Line: Not you, Captain. I was experiencing a flashback.
Myway: A flashback! Telephone, do you realize what this means? This could be the start to your very own back-story episode! An important step in your journey to becoming human!
Telephone Line: Perhaps. Nevertheless, I will report to Sickbay.
The Doctor: Nothing's physically wrong with you. It's probably just trauma from a horrific past. Nothing I don't deal with three times a week on this ship. I recommend that you report to the mess hall and learn how to eat. I realize you have a figure to maintain, but you won't look as hot when you're on the floor passed out from malnourishment.
Telephone Line: [Tidied catsuit] Very well. But nutritional foods only. I must maintain this figure so as to keep my selection of colorful catsuits; if I gain weight and become "average" looking, I fear I'll be forced into one of those dull Star Freak uniforms like everyone else.
Cakemix: Mesa put together a dish of vegetables, and some tasty junk food just to spice it up! The food's a bit old, so that's why it's moving around a little funny-like.
[In fact, the foods in his bowl isn't just moving, they're having a conversation.]
Tomato: Shake, stop being so mean to Meatwad! The Bible says that you're supposed to love your neighbor!
Frylock: See Bob, I told you my roommates were worse than your cucumber friend.
Telephone Line: [Raises and eyebrow] Peculiar. But I will try. [She picks up a squirming asparagus] I am…unaccustomed to this.
Cakemix: Well, first put it in yousa mouth.
Jr. Asparagus: No…no…NOOOOOO…
Cakemix: Aaaand chew, with your teeth! …And wash it down with some milkshake
Master Shake: That's right baby, keep sucking my straw, just like that.
Cakemix: Well? What do you think? [Wagging his tail]
Telephone Line: It is delicious. [A new Bored implant suddenly erupts on her hand!] Too delicious. You will be assimilated! [Knocks Cakemix to the ground, and marches out.]
[Captain Myway is meeting with two representatives of the Bomar, a race of turtle-faced people dressed like kinky plumbers, with weird cage-things over their heads.]
Snooty British Bomar: Nyeees, I am familiar with you Humans. My great-great-grandfather was of your race; he served as an Imperial Commander under Darth Vader. We have agreed to allow you to travel through our space, provided you follow this course.
[The other Bomar smugly brings up the course on the little wall screen. It looks like something out of "Family Circus."]
Captain Myway: You know, if you really didn't want us traveling through your space, you could simply say "no," rather than waste both our ships' time with this passive-aggressive—
Chevrolet [V.O.]: Chevrolet to Myway. Someone forgot to leash the drone. She's going berserk. But don't worry, [laughs ironically] Tuvacca's on the case!
Myway: Oh goody, the Vulcan who lets unauthorized shuttle launches slip through his fingers like tadpoles. We're saved.
Snooty Bomar: You have a Bored drone aboard your ship?
Myway: Oh I'm sorry, I forgot to mention. Here on this ship, someone goes crazy or gets possessed every few weeks or so. It's really nothing serious, we deal with it all the time.
Other Bomar: Talk to the hoof! We'll deal with Bored in our territory our own way!
[Telephone Line bumps into a forcefield, but then walks right through it. Two security crewman try to shoot her several times with phaser rifles, but that has no effect. She walks right past them. They stare down at their guns, curiously. Then they shoot each other, just to see if their guns work. Both crewman drop dead.]
Myway: So Tuvacca, any luck containing the insubordinate this time?
[Myway and Tuvacca glance out a window, to see Telephone in a shuttle, flying away from a smoking hole in the wall.]
Tuvacca: …Your punishment, Captain?
Myway: Half an hour time out. Report to the Box.
TELEPHONE LINE'S CARGO BAY:
B'Zooka Tourguide: Well Fairly, it was probably for the best. None of your crushes ever result in any good anyway.
Fairly Dim: Actually, I think I've found some clues in Telephone's diary!
Myway: Let's hear it, Ensign!
Telephone's Diary: Dear Diary: you will be assimilated….Ship Babe's long, Stardate 4567: Lt. Parsnip has introduced me to a program titled "Spongebob Squarepants," to which I am attempting to apply logic. Perhaps the reason that the crab's offspring is a whale is because his wife was a whale, and the mother's genes were more dominant….Stardate 6892: I have concluded that Lt. Parsnip and Commander Chevrolet are most definitely gay….
Fairly Dim: Pretty normal so far. But her more recent entries suggest a mental breakdown.
Telephone's Diary: Telephone Line's Journal, October the 24th. Dead crewman in the Geoffrey's Tube today. Tire tread on burst phaser. This starship is afraid of me. I've seen its true face. The Geoffrey's tubes are extended gutters, and the gutters are full of plot holes, and when the drains finally scab over, all these silly characters aboard will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and coffee will foam up about their waists, and all the Mosquito crooks and Star Freak dweebs will look up and shout "Save us!" and I'll look down and whisper…"No!"
I also had that dream again last night. The one where I am being chased by the Bored, and for some reason they frighten me. And that bird was there. Big, fluffy, brown and white bird, with a tiny beak, scratching at me. It looks at me as if I should know it.
Fairly Dim: Sounds like an eagle or something.
Myway: Or….a chicken hawk!
[Dramatic music plays, as the camera zooms in on Myway's face, closer, and closer…until…]
Myway: [V.O.] Ow! It's in my nose!
Fairly Dim: B'Zooka help us out here! The camera's stuck in the Captain's schnoz.
Myway: Get it OUT! …
[Tim Parsnip is at the helm, with Tuvacca by his side.]
Tim Parsnip: Now Commander, I can understand why I'm here, since I'm the best pilot. But of all people to try talking sense into Telephone Line, why are you coming? You'd think the Captain would go herself, if not because she's the closest to Telephone Line, then because she personally took Telephone under her wing herself? And if not her, than you'd think it'd be some other a close friend, like The Doctor or Fairly Dim.
Tuvacca: I am the chief of security. Her safety is therefore my responsibility.
Tim: Ah, okay, makes sense. Wait, if this is a security issue rather than an emotional one, then why didn't we bring a team of security officers to back us up?
Tim Parsnip: Or at least a really, really big gun?
[Tuvacca grabs Tim by the shirt, and whispers in a hoarse voice]
Tuvacca: Listen, kid. There IS a Vulcan Death Grip. I've KILLED a pilot with the Vulcan Death Grip! Now you are gonna shut up, and drive. And furthermore, you'll say nothing of this emotional outburst when we return to Frogger. Got it?
[Tim nods, bug-eyed, and Tuvacca releases him.]
Tuvacca: At ease, lieutenant.
Tim Parsnip: …We've caught up to Telephone Line's shuttle. Hey, um, it looks like I can't beam her back here. Maybe one of us should go over to her shuttle instead.
Tuvacca: Beam me up, Parsnip.
TELEPHONE LINE'S SHUTTLE:
Tuvacca: What are you doing, Telephone Line?
Telephone Line: I am following a Bored signature, coming from this planet. It's a beacon, to call wayward drones back to the collective. When I arrive, you will be assimilated along with me. [Her face changes.] No, I will not assimilate you Tuvacca. You are boring enough as it is. You will return to Captain Myway, and tell her I am grateful for all she has done for me.
Tuvacca: Perhaps you should face the window while you are driving.
[They've crashed on a mountainous planet. They both climb out of the shuttle. Not far away is a small starship, perched on a mountain, half covered in ivy and alien Billy goats. The ship is shaped like a chicken hawk.]
Telephone Line: I know this vessel!
INSIDE THE CHICKEN HAWK:
Telephone Line: We lived here, me and my parents. My parents were scientists, doing important work. This was the TV wall, where I watched my ancestor's Muppet shows….my favorite was Elmo, because he was red. …There were six candles on the cake, and one to grow on…And then the men came.
Bored Drones: We are the bored. Fun and excitement are irrelevant.
[One drone sticks his assimilation straws into the TV; the channel switches from "Sesame Street" to a golf tournament.]
Drone: [Assimilating the cake] Sugar, egg, cheap batter, processed frosting; an inferior form of culinary work.
Telephone Line: I hid in this cupboard. [Opens a cupboard, and a six-legged, three-horned alien Billy goat trots out.]
Tuvacca: And here is the refrigerator, covered in magnets. [Muppet and Sesame-Street themed magnets cover the 'fridge.] Could these magnets be what are disrupting your metal implants?
Telephone Line: Yes, possibly… [Sitting in the cupboard in a fetal position]
Telephone Line: What is that? Why is the ship shaking?
Tuvacca: A Paradox of Universal Proportions! The author of this parody in which we exist is having difficulty translating such a gut-wrenching scene into something funny. This is a rare instance, which occurs when the author attempts to spoof an episode that is either already a comedy, or is so serious that there's just nothing funny to be said about it. Yours is a particularly tragic back-story, Telephone Line. I should have anticipated this could happen.
Telephone Line: I don't understand.
Tuvacca: [Bug-eyed] THIS SHIP'S GONNA BLOW! RUN, BITCH!
[Tuvacca and Telephone Line run out of the Chicken Hawk, followed by a stampede of alien mountain goats, as the ship caves in on itself and explodes.]
Fairly Dim: Tuvacca and Telephone have been beamed back to Frogger!
Myway: Good! Wait, what about Tim? [Looks, and jumps, seeing Tim Parsnip back in place at the helm.] How…? Whatever. Tim, I think we've overstayed our welcome on Bomar space.
Tim Parsnip: So you want me to just take us around it? Even though it'll add months to our journey?
Myway: Unless you know of an alternative.
[Myway looks at Tim. Tim looks at the captain. She raises an eyebrow. He squints, trying to find what she's implying. She cocks her head, raising both eyebrows. Tim gives a long, understanding look…
Cut to a shot of outer space, with an armada of Bomar ships floating peacefully in space. The U.S.S Frogger suddenly comes tearing through, sending them all flying in different directions. Frogger zips thorough Bomar space, finally screeching to a flaming halt on the other side.]
Tim Parsnip: BOWLING FOR BOMAAAAAR!
Myway: [Laughing] Gets 'em every time!
HOLODECK, DaVinci's Study
Captain Myway: It's good to have you back, Telephone. And I'm glad you're exploring your emotions, by playing with clay like I suggested.
Telephone Line: I am grateful as well. [Finishes a sculpture of Gonzo, and places it next to her other finished works of Miss Piggy, Kermit, Elmo and Cookie Monster.]