Itachi Uchiha's Guide to Sharingan Uses in Everyday Life, or Tsukiyomi Solves Everything, or Why Itachi is Half Blind by the Time Sasuke Gets to Him

A/N: Kishimoto is the devil and I will probably never write any serious Naruto fanfic because it makes me wince how ridiculous the whole thing is. If I do write more Naruto fanfic it will either be drabbles or my personal piss-take of the whole thing. Now that this has all been settled, let's get started, shall we?

[Enter ITACHI UCHIHA in full AKATSUKI outfit.]

ITACHI: What some people fail to recognise is the fact that Sharingan is an extremely versatile tool in many situations, not just combative ones… [he bows his head] I myself have explored the full depths of the use of Sharingan in everyday life.

[Flashback to a day shortly after arrival in Amegakure, and a group of fangirls are chasing after ITACHI UCHIHA.]

FANGIRL #1: Oh Itachi-kun! Don't you just love what I've done with my hair today?

FANGIRL #2: [angrily] He doesn't care about you, Rin-chan! Push off! [sweetly] Oh Itachi-kun, do you think this kimono or this one looks better on my physique?

[A third FANGIRL pushes the other two aside roughly.]

FANGIRL #3: Oh Itachi-kuuuuun…

ITACHI: Tsukiyomi.

[The numerous fangirls crumple to the ground, allowing him to make his escape easily.]

[Switch to scene of KISAME HOSHIGAKI with photographs in hand, leering at ITACHI UCHIHA whilst sitting in front of a tent.]

KISAME: Hey, why'd you keep these pictures? Come to think of it… if your fangirls ever got their hands on these… [smirking] You owe me a favour or two, or I'll release them –

ITACHI: Ameterasu!

[The POTENTIALLY PROBLEMATIC PHOTOGRAPHS are reduced to ash as KISAME is forced to drop them.]

[Switch to scene of ITACHI UCHIHA with eyeball pressed against hole in fence of hot springs. Naked hot babes await beyond the fence.]

ITACHI: Sharingan!

JIRAYIA: [appearing] Hey, kid, that's my spot… wait, aren't you –

ITACHI: Tsukiyomi.

[JIRAIYA crumples to the ground as ITACHI shunshins away.]

[Scene return to ITACHI UCHIHA, with SASUKE UCHIHA in view.]

ITACHI: You see, otouto, you have not yet managed to master the full and precise art of the Sharingan… which is why you have still a long way to go before you can defeat me.

SASUKE: …you're speaking to a tree.