A/N: I decided to rewrite this because Tara is a sodding moron. Luckily, this story isn't mine and I lay no claims to this piece of shit.
Anyone who 'flaemd' the original is perfectly welcome here and will be rewarded with a virtual cookie. :)
"Who are you?" Edward Elric asked, looking up at the taller boy in front of him. The boy looked to be around his age with topaz eyes, copper-red hair, and skin that looked like the milk he so hated.
"I'm Edward Cullen," the boy responded, looking down on the short, golden-eyed blonde with a look of slight contempt. "Who are you, pipsqueak?"
"WHAT? How dare you call me a tiny little bean incapable of being seen without a microscope? I'll show you to mess with Edward fucking Elric!" And as he got on the ground to draw a transmutation circle in the dirt, the taller boy started to laugh.
"That isn't what I said at all," he chuckled, and Edward Elric could see that his teeth were white and pointy, almost like a vampire's. "What's that you're doing?"
"Alchemy," the blonde explained haughtily. "Not something I'd expect you to understand."
"That's actually pretty cool."
"Heh," Edward Elric. "Not bad for an amoeba, huh?"
Just then, a girl with long brown hair and pale skin walked in. She smiled at the young blonde and said, "Hey, sexy."
"Bella," Edward Cullen started, "I'm your boyfriend! Not him!"
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry! You two look exactly the same," Bella explained, even though this was obviously not true due to not only differences in height, but hair color, dress, and skin tone. So obviously, Bella was either half-blind or an idiot who could not even remember what her beloved boyfriend looked like when he was standing side-by-side with a man of the same first name.
"It's alright, darling," Edward Elric assured her with a pat on her shoulder. "We can't all have brain cells like Edward and I have."
Edward Cullen's eyes began to darken as his anger began to manifest itself. "Don't you dare touch her, you damn alchemist," he growled.
"I'm sorry. I thought I might have had a chance since she was obviously so dumb that she can't tell us apart. Though why I'd ever want to is another matter entirely," the blonde apologized.
"Just don't let it happen again," the redhead growled, his eyes beginning to lighten again.
"Hey~" Bella chirped. "I just got an idea! We should all go out together! That way I can figure out who's who!"
Both Edwards looked up in surprise. It wasn't every day that Bella came up with a slightly sensible idea. And seeing as that they would both need to be dead drunk to be able to deal with her bird-like squeaking all night, they quickly agreed and decided to go to a bar.
Upon arriving at Joe's Bar, the three companions sat down on stools and motioned to the barkeeper.
"What can I get you three tonight?" He asked with the rehearsed politeness needed by anyone and everyone in the food service industry.
Edward Cullen spoke first. "A beer for me," he ordered, and as the other two didn't make any move to speak, the bartender turned away.
"Alright. Coming right up, sir," he called as he retreated toward the tap.
When they were on their way back to Bella's apartment, Edward Elric and Bella began to make out in the back seat. Edward grinded his teeth, but since Bella was stupid enough to mistake them, surely she wouldn't realize what she was doing and wouldn't consider it cheating. So for the time being, Edward was stuck listening to them as he drove.
After arriving back, they all fell asleep in a heap on the floor, being too exhausted to walk further into the small apartment. Awakening the next morning, they all lifted their heads groggily and stared at one another. Breaking the silence, Bella asked the two if they would both want to go out with her so that she could say that she was with two Edwards at once. She also mentioned the fact that if all three of them went out, she could never mistake one Edward for her boyfriend again.
A look passed between the boys as they sat up fully, followed by a shrug of agreement from each one.
And so from that day forward, Bella, Ed, and Edward became as closely knit as the Three Musketeers and lived happily ever after until Bella became so confused as to which Edward was which that she shot herself. But other than that, they were happy.