Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, if I did, River wouldn't be stuck in a computer... she'd be out with the Doctor shooting his hats and helping him save the world.
A/N: This is a piece I decided to write as a prequel to my other oneshot Beauty From Pain, you'll either want to read that one first, or read it after reading this one… or you could not read it… but I suggest you do, because I like it and it ends happier than this one. So enjoy!
Held By Your Gravity
April 18th, 2011
Slivers of blurred light slowly peered into River Song's mind. Her body felt numb. Her arms were restrained behind her. She was in a dimly-lit room… but where?
The name struck her, causing everything to flood back. She had been in her study, looking over her recently collected accounts about the Doctor. That woman had walked in, the soldiers had brought in the space suit… no.
She struggled against the handcuffs, but they only bit into her skin. She wouldn't kill the Doctor, they couldn't make her! She was going to fight this. She was trained to kill, she would find a way out of this somehow… she'd warn the Doctor…
The door unlocked with a grating sound. It slid painfully open and Kovarian walked in. She was so elegant, so arrogant, so cold. Those creatures followed her. Those creatures that she knew she'd seen but couldn't remember what they looked like… she braced herself. No matter what, she was River Melody Song Pond, she could handle whatever they threw at her.
Kovarian slipped on some gloves, her smile sickly sweet with uncontained pleasure. "Hello, Melody. Remember me?"
River was silent.
Kovarian laughed, "Of course you don't." Her head swiveled toward River, she was actually interested. "So, what makes the psychopath trained to kill the Doctor save his life?"
"Can't expect you to understand." River snapped back.
Kovarian tutted her, "Now is that any way to talk to the woman who raised you?"
Kovarian had raised her? River was shaken, but she didn't let it show. "You said you made me what I am. Why? Why would you want to kill the Doctor?"
Kovarian sighed as if she'd answered this question a million times, "Melody, I've told you before – of course you wouldn't remember – The Doctor is the cause of all pain in the universe." River snorted. Kovarian sent her a warning glare. "Just you wait. You'll learn that he only leaves destruction in his wake." She leaned forward, her eyes piercing into River's own. "He destroyed his own world, what do you make of that?" Kovarian hissed.
River glowered back at her, her own temper rising, "That's rich coming from a woman who stole a child from her mother and raised her to be a psychopath!" She didn't expect the slap. The metallic taste of blood began to fill her mouth. River simply stared defiantly back at Kovarian. The older woman glared at her.
River hated Kovarian. She refused to let her get to her. Kovarian would not win. River would make sure of that. Her whole life, River had been torn between the two – Kovarian and the Doctor. She remembered that now. She had been both indoctrinated by Kovarian to believe the Doctor was evil, and fascinated by the stories that her friend, Amy, had told of him. Kovarian had been River's only kind of mother… a horrible, unloving, cold mother… yes, but as a child she had thought of Kovarian that way. Oh, Kovarian had made sure that River knew who her real parents were… but the woman had toyed with River's attachments to her, using them to manipulate her. She became the one River trusted.
Then, when River finally got her chance to destroy the Doctor, he turned her world upside down. He dropped out of the sky, knowing every last thing about her, and had shown that he cared so much about his friends he would fight River's poison to try and save them. She had been altogether captivated by his strength, his kindness, and his blazing love. He had cared for her, even though she'd tried to kill him. It was an unconditional love, not one based on her performance. That was something entirely new to River, something entirely foreign. She had found herself suddenly really in love with him, not merely pretending to flirt so she could get close. Then… then, he'd told her that he loved her.
It had been that moment, that moment when she'd given up her lives, her regenerations for him that she'd ceased being Melody Pond and began to be River Song… even though she'd not yet known who River Song was. When her mum had shown her who this woman was, her cracked, peeling world-view shattered completely. Kovarian was now evil, the Doctor was now good. She loved the Doctor… and he loved her back.
That didn't mean she had trusted him, she still didn't fully trust him. She didn't trust anybody. The one person that she had thought was trustworthy was now standing before her trying to turn her back into a psychopath bent on the Doctor's death. Who could she trust?
Kovarian pulled a knife from a box one of those Silence had brought in. She fingered it expertly, a wicked smile playing on the corners of her mouth. "Now, Melody… what are you going to do when you leave here?"
River glared at her, "I'm going to find the Doctor and help him defeat the Silence."
Kovarian glared. "Wrong." She motioned for the Silence to force River to stand. Then, she stood behind the younger woman, cutting away a portion of River's shirt from her back. "You're going to kill the Doctor."
The knife cut sharply into River's back, and she couldn't force back the scream of surprise.
April 21st 2011
River had been with Kovarian only a few days and she was already beginning to crack. She knew that tomorrow the Doctor would die… and today, Kovarian would put her in the spacesuit, willing or not, and drop River in the lake. She hadn't slept in days. Kovarian had made sure of that. She hadn't eaten either… and her entire back was screaming at her from the various 'reminders' of her mission to kill the Doctor.
River still refused to repeat Kovarian's mantra. She couldn't bring herself to say "I will kill the Doctor". She would die first – and sometimes, River thought she just might.
She still rested on the belief that the Doctor loved her. It was wavering however. She wondered how much he would still love her if he knew how weak she was. She was breaking under Kovarian. The older woman was slowly stripping away every shred of dignity, comfort, and security River had. It was taking its toll.
She hated herself for the way her body began to tremble as Kovarian walked into the room. The older woman fed on her weakness, her hawk-like gaze glaring over River's every flaw… and River couldn't bring herself to be strong. She was tired of being strong, she was always instinctively hiding every flaw, every weakness, and as Kovarian ripped her apart piece by piece, River's imperfections were becoming obvious. Surely if the Doctor knew how she shivered at Kovarian's gaze he would think her pathetic.
Kovarian's voice was as hauntingly sing-song as ever, her eyes roamed over River's tortured body, seeking a new place to cut open. "Melody, Darling. If you wouldn't keep forgetting, I wouldn't have to remind you." She reprimanded. "You're going to kill the Doctor tomorrow, whether you like it or not."
River's eyes clenched shut as a group of soldiers brought in the space suit. Kovarian smiled, taking River's chin and forcing her to look at it. "You can't escape it. I own you!" She circled around the shaking woman, her hands slowly coming to rest on River's shoulders, the knife in full view. She relished the fear and anticipation radiating from her prisoner. "You're weak, Melody. You're broken."
I'm not, he loves me. Somewhere inside of her, River feebly tried to remind herself of that, but it wasn't doing her much good… she hardly believed it anymore. How could he love the person whose sole purpose was killing him?
Kovarian leaned forward, whispering in the younger woman's ear, "You think he loves you?" quivering, River sharply cried out as the knife bit into the skin of her back. Kovarian's voice dripped venom, "How could anyone love you?"
She barely struggled as they slipped her into the space suit. It was irrational to think the Doctor loved her. He loved River Song… and she wasn't sure if she'd ever been that person. All she'd ever done for him was poison him. It had only been in a moment of weakness that she'd saved his life, a moment of confusion. How could she think that she'd ever be anyone different?
They lowered her into the lake, and she waited.
April 22nd, 2011
Her arm raised of its own accord as she stood on the shore of Lake Silencio. He looked at her with such love, it hurt. All she could say was, "I'm sorry, my love." She was a failure. Broken, unlovable, ruined. He'd never forgive her for this… and neither would she.
"River, I want you to know… you're forgiven. You'll always be forgiven."
With those words, in his wonderful, mad way… he shattered her world once again. She looked into his eyes, yes, he did still love her… maybe she still didn't trust him completely, and he would probably stop loving her if he knew she'd believed the lies Kovarian had fed her. But right here, right now, her Doctor loved her… and that was all she needed to be able to fight.
A/N: So yeah… hope you liked it, it was a little random, and when I first wrote it, I thought it was OOC for River… but then I checked River's timeline and realized that TIA/TWORS was actually pretty early for her, (dang, that backwards timeline is so confusing!) considering she'd just gotten her degree at the academy when the Silence kidnapped her. So it makes sense (at least to me) that she'd have these doubts and mistrust in her mind about the Doctor. *shrug* I wanted to write it. Like it? Hate it? Tell me! A well thought-out review takes only a minute, and it makes my day. ^_^