"Tuesday's gone with the wind. My baby's gone, with the wind." ~Tuesday's Gone (cover), Alice in Chains
Every Tuesday, he always orders a cinnamon latte.
The waitress comments on his nicely filed nails, and in his head he can hear Hummel say it's great for when he's having sex with all of those whores. Sebastian would just lie there digging his nails into the poor man's back as he takes the first sip of his latte. The first sip's always the warmest, and his green eyes lock with Blaine Anderson's frame. Cinnamon latte forgotten, he moves towards Blaine and he swears his Dalton blazer hurts because he's taking in so much air his chest expands.
He takes another sip, and drowns out the feeling and then he smoothly sits down and he's impressed by the fluidity of his own movements, because Blaine's still human even if every time he looks into his eyes, he swears he can taste how sweet his lips would be, chaste kisses underneath drizzling rain and the scent of faint sunshine after a mildly cloudy day.
Every Tuesday, he wants to tell him, but he can't physically tell him. There's something stupid about it – because it shouldn't be bothering him, because after all, as Kurt institutes he's a slut that sleeps around with anyone with a penis – and Paris' full of brilliant night lights, so he stirs the liquid in the cup and Blaine looks agitated just by Sebastian's mere presence, so he stands up and suddenly, some sort of anxiety rushes inside of Sebastian with words that sound like if you don't tell him now you'll lose it all up again until next Tuesday and he might not be here next Tuesday—not alone. He's vaguely aware that Blaine rarely ever comes to the Lima Bean alone, as he's sewed to the hip to his rather feminine girlfriend.
"Blaine, wait," Sebastian calls out and he notices the vulnerability in his voice.
Blaine doesn't. He just stares at him with cold eyes. "What do you want, Sebastian? Unless you want to throw scolding hot coffee in my eye…" Blaine's voice is low, and his warning is strong and efficient and Sebastian grips tightly onto the cup in his hand and feels his heart kind of hurt but it's gonna be okay. "Make it quick. I'll give you five minutes."
"…I can trust you, right?" Sebastian's voice is soft now.
Blaine just glares at him. "Four minutes."
Sebastian's voice is low and soft. "…I was…you know…" Sebastian doesn't want to say the word, so he makes hand-gestures. "…raped. When I transferred to Dalton, by Mr Rice."
Blaine feels anger rise in his chest as he pushes Sebastian backwards. Sebastian loses balance, ends up splashing a good amount of latte on his arm and stares up at Blaine with a horrified expression on his face. "Don't you dare make fun of something serious….you know, Sebastian Smythe, I've never seen someone lie like that to get a bit of attention. I've never seen anyone joke about being raped before in my life. The only way I can ever hear the word 'Sebastian' and 'rape' in a sentence is if it's next to each other, as in 'Sebastian raped'. You make me so fucking sick it's a good thing I digested lunch or I would've thrown it up on your face."
Sebastian just stares at Blaine and he's horrified. Because Blaine accuses him of being able to do something like that, and Sebastian just feels his stomach ripple with so much pain right then, that Blaine would think he'd ever hurt anyone like that, that he'd lie about being raped, that it was all for a bit of attention. Sebastian just stares at Blaine as he leaves and he doesn't even notice the tears clouding his eyes.
On Tuesdays, Sebastian Smythe doesn't order cinnamon lattes anymore.
On Tuesday, Blaine Anderson's still so enthralled he can't think of any word to say and during Glee, Kurt asks him because he's noticed that Blaine's starting to look like he wants to throttle everything in his way. Blaine just shrugs and says it's nothing. Santana eyes him and tells him to spill or else. To this, Blaine sighs dramatically, in a nearly-Kurt-inspired way and stands up, pacing towards the centre of the room, before he says the words, "It's Sebastian."
"Oh God, what did he do this time?" Kurt's arms are crossed over his chest.
"Running for attention."
"That's new," Santana sarcastically responds as she rolls his eyes. "Spill it, Anderson because he said something that made you start exhausting steam from your ears. Hell, I didn't even know that you can get angry. Great job, Ladylegs."
"Now, Blaine, sit down. I'm sure you can discuss this later—"Mr Schue's being cut by Blaine.
"He's pretending to be raped just so he can get someone to feel sorry for him!" Blaine exclaims and he swears that Kurt's face visibly pales and then burns with so much anger that his lips twitch oddly and he looks like he wants to kill Sebastian Smythe. The New Directions are so speechless that nobody says a word for a while until Blaine hears the response.
"That little bitch thinks he can do what?"
"Now, Sam, calm down—"
"How can he stay 'calm' exactly? You think it's okay for him to claim that he was raped?" Rachael's voice is strong and adamant. "It is rather serious if you haven't noticed, as people end up in therapy for years, and might never move on. So many of them are scarred for life after being raped just once. It's not just 'a normal occurrence' that Sebastian can joke around about. It's serious. Nobody makes a joke about stuff like that. Okay?"
"…I didn't even know boys can get raped," Brittany confesses.
"I never thought in my life I can hate someone so bad…just UGH! Seriously, who jokes about that! How can you? How can you live when you know you made fun of a very serious event just so you can get a few sympathetic pats on your back? Fuck him. Fuck him to Hell. I hate him so much," Kurt's voice's so strong and angry and Mr Schue tells him to mind his language but Kurt doesn't seem to care.
The New Directions are going to pay a visit to Sebastian Smythe next Tuesday.
On Tuesday, Kurt marches down the Dalton hallway expertly, as does Blaine and the rest follow in small clusters. The minute they walk into the common room, they find out that Warblers are sitting down discussing something and just stop when the New Directions walk inside, guided by Kurt and Blaine, and their faces pale and eyes widen which shock at how in rage the two very put-together ex-Warblers are, as Kurt calls out in a very loud voice, "SEBASTIAN SMYTHE."
Sebastian appears in the doorway, unfazed, and just stares at the group in front of him, and he laughs. Kurt doesn't know how much his blood can boil but it's very hard not to swing a punch over at Sebastian's face right now, so he just sands there, watching Sebastian looming over Nick and Jeff from where he stands as they're sitting down in red-cushioned chairs. He moves towards Kurt and Kurt looks like he's going to start clawing Sebastian's eyes out – or worse.
"How can you joke about being raped?"
The Warblers all gasp and stare at Sebastian with wide eyes, and after the initial shock, their eyes are glowering with some sort of hatred and horror at Sebastian Smythe. He feels targeted by everyone around him and doesn't know what to say so he just stares at Kurt and feels the world spin in circles and he swears that he's getting dizzier and more nauseated by the second.
Quinn slushies Sebastian, once and he doesn't even look fazed by it. His mind is just reeling towards 'how can you joke about being raped?' repeating in his head. Puck watches because he notices how pale Sebastian's face is, and he notices how he looks like he's going to throw up any second but all of them are so anger-driven that they don't see it.
Kurt pushes Sebastian towards a seat and just stares at him coldly. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Kurt snaps coldly.
"Well, my Mother says I was dropped a lot as a child," Sebastian icily responds, but it's weaker than it should have been.
Kurt slaps him.
Sebastian just stares, and doesn't even understand how Hummel can hurt him. The sting's there and he doesn't say a word and Blaine looks self-satisfied with that smirk on his face, and Sebastian just wants to hurl on Kurt's outdated Chanel shirt, but he doesn't. He just stares at them with horror, them, and the Warblers, and everyone in the world thinks he honestly is just looking for a bit of attention.
"Soak up all the attention you're getting, princess. Is that what you wanted?" Santana retorts.
Sebastian's head's pounding right now, as he stares at the ceiling and he's sure that the tiles are even more now but he doesn't really know.
"So, Sebastian, how did it feel like being raped?" Finn snaps uncontrollably and Sebastian feels another punctures in his heart because he knows what to say but all the words are jammed in his throat – well, Finnessa, easy, I felt a respectable man hold me down and then shove himself inside of me, and tear me into two pieces despite me screaming at him not to and I felt the blood and I felt the hard wood table underneath us, but it's not like I've been fucking raped or anything. He's honestly holding back tears at this point.
"I don't believe you!" David, a Warbler, supposed one of his own blood, his kin, hollers.
"You've done nothing but shame us all," Thad states and Blaine gives him an approving look. Nick and Jeff kind of look like they want to hold onto each other, because they don't have a mean bone in their bodies, so they just stare at Sebastian being confronted.
"You have to know that you can't do this!" Mercedes exclaims. "You can't pretend to be raped just so you can get a few people to go all 'poor Sebastian, he's been raped'. You don't do that!"
Sebastian feels his throat hurt and he just wants to cry right now and it's becoming so hard to hold back all the tears that are rising and all the words that they're sinking – they're sinking into his skin like sin, and he doesn't know what to do so he just laughs.
"Are you insane? Do you have a mental problem?" Blaine's eyes are locked in disbelief towards Sebastian's face. "Unbelievable."
The New Directions leave, and the Warblers eye Sebastian as he stands up and leaves. He rewinds the clock, lies down in bed and cries himself to sleep that Tuesday night.
On Tuesday, Sebastian Smythe walks down the hallway and sees the Warblers and New Directions there again and they're talking and he hears them saying something about how much of a bastard he is. He's just tired and wants to kill himself, but he just looks at them and decides to wait for them to humour him.
He's strong. He has to be.
Sebastian Smythe cocks his head to one side, and watches everyone stare at him.
"Sorry to forget your presence, your majesty," Kurt says dryly, eyes curt, and full of so much loathing that Sebastian knows that Kurt won't even puke on him because he's not worth it to him. Sebastian doesn't turns to leave. Two minutes later, Puck says he needs to pee and asks Nick where. He spends eleven minutes looking for Sebastian's dorm and when he finds it, he doesn't knock and just bursts in.
He doesn't expect to see the pressed and so-in-control boy on his bed, and he doesn't expect to see his hair disheveled and his head buried in his knees, and he swears he sees his body shaking and he's afraid to see him cry because of he cries, Puck's gonna rip them all to shreds.
"It really happened." Puck just states.
Sebastian doesn't move.
"Even when you're not in that stupid fucking uniform, you wear really long-sleeved shirts, like you're hiding. You look tired all of the time. You hate everyone. You stopped making sexual comments to Blaine some time ago. That gay-looking blonde says that you don't leave the dorm rooms. Well, Rache thinks it's because you're a depressed lunatic. You practically looked like you'd kill yourself the second that they started talking about the—"
"Don't fucking say that word because if I heard it again, I'm going to throw up," Sebastian's shaking now again so Puck curls next to him and lets Sebastian curl to him, rubbing his back softly. Puck doesn't leave the room and they lock it. He notices that Sebastian's repressing any thought or idea to the rape. The poor kid's traumatised and he mentions it only once and now the word's being thrown around so he's facing it every singular day of his life so yeah, he does feel sorry for him.
On Tuesday, he comes by again and Puck gives him coffee.
Sebastian takes the cinnamon latte and doesn't say a word. When Puck tries to give him a chicken pita bread, he doesn't eat it and just stares at it. It takes a while for Puck to realise that Sebastian's dropped a few pounds and he doesn't have much on him to begin with. The minute that Sebastian eats the pita, tastes the meat, he spits it out before Puck remembers he uses the phrase ("come on and suck my meat") so much when he has sex that he doesn't even ask why Sebastian's done it. Sebastian doesn't ask for anything else, and Puck now knows why with a singular dread.
He thinks he's asking for attention.
He notices that when Sebastian falls asleep, he wakes up in the middle and starts sweating. He puts a hand over his mouth so he won't scream and Puck feels the need to shake him and try to help him. He cries silently but he doesn't say a word. He hates how vulnerable he is, and Puck knows that when a person has a night terror, they do cry even when they don't want to. Sebastian falls in and out of sleep and that's just it. He doesn't want to leave him, because he's scared Sebastian's gonna puke.
Sebastian does puke. He pukes bile and the half-sandwich that Puck's practically shoved down his throat. He notices that Sebastian has frequent panic attacks and starts talking wildly to Puck.
On Tuesday, Puck visits Sebastian Smythe with a cinnamon latte, and he swears he can see Sebastian hurting again.
On Tuesday, Sebastian decides to get out of the Dalton dorm room because he really wants to see his parents. By the time that he's outside and ready to back up his Jeep, he notices that the New Directions are standing there. They slush him, and he feels the coldness hit him, and he notices that Puck's not there with them and that's just a relief but he really has nothing to hold onto, so he turns around, walks to the nearest bathroom and has his own spare change of clothes.
His long-sleeved black sweater makes him feel safe. His jeans are baggy. His scarf covers his neck eloquently.
"Even when you're not in that stupid fucking uniform, you wear really long-sleeved shirts, like you're hiding."
Sebastian turns away and curses the fucking mirror before he steps outside, notice the array of colourful slushies on the parking lot, and then drives.
On Tuesday, Sebastian comes back at eight pm and can hear the Warblers practicing Tuesday's Gone and doesn't even bother saying anything because it's his suggestion in the end. He falls asleep to the sound of "Tuesday's gone with the wind" and wakes up holding a hand over his mouth automatically so he doesn't scream. He's sweating and crying again and he stays like that for fourteen minutes, and then texts Puck like Puck tells him to do: I'm gone with the wind. He wants those words on his soon-to-be gravestone.
On Tuesday, he's in his car. There's a cinnamon latte beside him as he drives and then his acceleration dances to an extremity he doesn't understand as the world flashes in colours and blobs and he remembers all of his nightmares and his anxiety builds up and he swerves off the road and hits something and the glass in the front of his car smashes and digs into his skin and despite that all, it's nothing compared to the pain of the rape, to the pain of their words, sinking deep into his skin and the latte hits his skin, hot, scorching and he burns with the wind.
On Tuesday, the New Directions and Warblers are standing beside Sebastian's hospital bed, where Puck's standing there, looking horrified at what's he's seen. Sebastian's face is cut up, and his arms are covered in wounds which some being artificial and others will end up being scars on his body. Puck doesn't understand why, as he looks at him. The Doctors examine him and keep him closely and all Kurt hears are words like 'suicide attempt' because according to the Doctor, a woman says she'd seen him deliberately swerve off the road to crash.
He doesn't want what to say.
"Bas," Dr Bennett's voice is sympathetic. "Why do you do this to yourself?"
Kurt feels his throat being clogged up and he can't say a word. "I should have expected this. Many rape victims are suicidal," and that's when Kurt's eyes snap wider than ever before. They're all paling and staring at the Doctor and Blaine's mouth is half-open as Dr Bennett explains. "He did come a few months back, of course. There'd be signs of serious tearing and abrasion. Our rape kit was positive. Sebastian is very much the type to suppress it though, so I'm not shocked he didn't tell you—"
"He did tell us," Puck's voice is strong, and then his eyes are on Blaine's. "I spent a good few weeks with him. You know—it pisses me off. Seriously. He can't sleep because he wakes up from night terrors shaking and crying and he puts his hand over his mouth so he doesn't scream. Sometimes he bites his hand just because you know, he wants to be fucking heard. I'm not a big fan of him, but hey, let's face it—when a kid's hurt, a kid's hurt and he was really raped. You should've seen how little he was eating and sleeping. He didn't do anything. He just sits there and all he wants is to fall asleep. He can't though, because he'll wake up in two hours and start screaming again! You know…you'd notice. If it was Blaine, if it was Kurt, if it was Mercedes, if it was Nick, or Jeff, or anyone else, you would've noticed that when you started calling him out, his face pales and he starts to look like he'd cry. You know he's just got too much fucking pride that he won't cry in front of you? He's ashamed to even consider being raped as a fucking problem because of the way you bitches treated him."
"I...I didn't think he was serious," Blaine responds and then remembers Sebastian's confess, to him. "He trusted me."
"Great job, Curls. You really did a great job," Puck sarcastically snaps. "Always yapping on about courage and then when he decides to tell you he was raped—which according to Bennett over there, takes a load of fucking courage—you blow him off like he just asked you if you wanted to have leather sex in the parking lot."
Blaine moves to Sebastian and takes his hand. "You are so brave." He tells him, voice strong. "I'm so sorry."
Sebastian doesn't respond though and Blaine's eyes are burning with tears right now, as he sobs. They're all looking down at their feet and won't say anything. Sebastian grunts and turns to Puck. He doesn't even notice he's in a hospital as he goes back to sleep. In two hours, there it comes – the ritualistic screaming, him holding his hand over his mouth, and the tears that rush down his cheeks that make Kurt race towards him and hold Sebastian to rock him soothingly. Sebastian doesn't ask why Kurt's doing that and then falls asleep. In two hours, it's repeated again. By the time that he's awake, Kurt holds one of his hands, and Blaine the other. Mercedes and Quinn bring him a lot of home-cooked lunches and dinners and Rachael bakes her cookies and writes We're Sorry on all twenty-five pieces, but Sebastian doesn't touch any of them and is more accustomed to picking off the corn and chicken and eating every few bites on his hospital lunches.
The only time any light would be in Sebastian's face is when Puck whispers a few things in his ear and causes him to laugh a few times. Otherwise, Sebastian bitches and hates everyone and Kurt won't have it any less. He doesn't like anyone anymore. David tries to soothe it over by saying that the Warblers are sorry and Sebastian says something about the Warblers needing to shove their sorry up their asses, because they weren't sorry when they made him feel isolated and like a disgusting freak that deserves to be dead. Blaine tries to serenade him and ends up breaking his guitar. Sebastian won't sleep, won't eat, and won't look at anyone without feeling the need to hurt them and he's torn between killing them, or just bursting into tears and saying how suicidal he really is.
He, on the other hand, decides to wait for Tuesday. He drinks his latte silently and is gone with the cinnamon-scented promising wind.